Ves Ranting

[Vesnic]

I am surrounded by fucktards.

Ok, so today I took a long walk into town down my lovely country road in the pouring rain. The man at the video store lent me his umbrella because this is a small town where everyone knows everyone and he knows I'm the wholesome type to return something which doesn't belong to me. At the drugstore I got a few weird looks from people for having the moxy to be wet and in a public place, but all I have to say to those SUV-driving Earth-destroying lazyass motherfucking cuntrags is "I'm much healthier than you and will still be walking vigorously up the road while you're sitting at your dialysis machine looking anxiously at that massive pus-leaking blister on your foot that will have to be amputated because you have Type II diabetes, you lazy fat fuck." Plus, I scored my drugs (more opiates this time! It seems my doctors would rather I be calm and tractable than the way I am unmedicated). So that was a win overall.

Things didn't really get annoying until I was walking back home. You see, I hate sidewalks. Especially the kind that are made by indolent backwater bozos who don't understand the concepts of straight lines and level surfaces. The sidewalks also tend to be covered with pine needles that are particularly slippery on days like today, and I don't really feel like testing my still-healing spine with a hard fall. It is also an indisputable fact that if you step on the crack, you'll fall and break your back.

The speed limit on my street is 30 mph. I was walking on the left side of the road and not on the sidewalk, but it is my legal fucking right to walk on the left side of the road should I choose. I am still a pedestrian and that means cars yield to MOI. Some asshole was coming towards me at about 15 mph, slowly because there was another person coming the other way. The guy coming toward me was already almost at a stop, yet he felt it ABSOLUTELY FUCKING NECESSARY to continue driving by while the other car passed him. The fucker came so fucking close to me that I actually had to step backwards and sideways to avoid getting sideswiped. I turned around and threw my hands up in the air, which is my habitual, borderline polite gesture of what-the-fuckness, but he didn't give a shit. So I finally let my mouth loose and screamed FUCKING ASSSSSHOLLEEEE!!! at the top of my fucking lungs. I hope all of the neighbors and their cows heard.

I hate the way people drive. He couldn't stop for TWO WHOLE SECONDS to safely pass me?! People drive like they'll never die, like life can't be snapped in half at the blink of an eye. I FUCKING HATE these myopic fucking fuckfaces who can only think ME ME ME and I NEED TO GET SOMEWHERE and MY TIME IS MORE IMPORTANT THAN YOUR LIFE. I mean, get a fucking imagination. Take a walk outdoors. Get off your fat fucking asses and get in touch with the things in life that are actually important.

I am surrounded by fucktards.

[apotheosis]

Are you sure that it is really this event that has you upset? It seems like other things are bugging you and it was just this that made you come to a boil. You were already only a couple degrees away from the boil before it happened... am I right?

[Vesnic]

Well, having just risen from my steaming hot bath with epsom salts and lavender oil, I can say with a more level temper that yes, my rage was probably fueled by more than just nearly being run over today.

But such is the beauty of a rant, angry tirade, effusion of negative energy, what have you...

For any other ranters in the house, here is your spotlight!

As for me, I will soon be off to purple dreamland.

Bonne nuit, mes amis!

[Leblanc4prez]

Serenity: Français d'Ahh. Une langue beaucoup plus agréable que cet allemand abominable que Psy le retardé baisent, s'occupe du boucher sur une base quotidienne.

[Vesnic]

Quatsch! Es kann jeder Esel sehen, dass deutsch viel besser ist!

[apotheosis]

It's time for an English only rule on this forum, considering it IS the best language. (Klingon and the Pokemon Language are close seconds)

[Usoki]

f-Iay ou-yay ay-say o-say, poth-Aay.

[ChubbyTeletubby]

Say what you want about me, but my driving record is absolutely spotless. I’ve never driven under the influence, nor will I ever. Never had a wreck. Never had a speeding ticket.

I am appalled by what I see on the roads on a daily basis, or even the way my own ‘friends’ (or should I say, ‘enemies’?) and family drive. I usually WALK to the liquor store or bar. Or library. Even work, on occasion. I LIKE walking. I THINK when I walk. I breath. I take in nature. I take in life. I remember things. I anticipate the future. I even jog a little. I relish the burning sensation in my lungs and legs. I’ll tell you what, I climbed Pikes Peak in Colorado - 14, 210 feet. Everyone thinks I’m crazy for doing this, but I inform them that in most of the world people actually DO WALK. You fat fucking idiots. Americans are so fucking fat and stupid. I swear to God they are so fucking fat and so fucking stupid. And fat.

And stupid.

Fucking people.

YOU’RE ALL FUCKING FAT AND STUPID!

I really feel for you folks that have kids in this pitiful society because from where I’m sitting I’m just waiting with much anticipation for this whole world to fall to shit. Everybody is stupid and fat and I hate every god damn one of you fat fucking stupid fat fucks.

I’m done.:cool:

[Vesnic]

(Nice one, Chubby)

A new rant:

The good feeling's gone now. God I need some more fucking pills. Or maybe just a big bottle. A big bottle broken over my head. Yeah, that'd be nice.

Think huge vats of boiling shit. Think children crying and clutching their teddy bears as the mushroom cloud fills up the sky behind them. Think Richard Simmons on a bad hair day. That is what this night has been.

Boy comes over to girl's house. Girl is dressed in sexy PJ's, including silk blouse with plunging neckline. Boy compliments girl on cleavage, and hangs out on her bed listening to tunes and talking dirty subjects, yet boy still picks up the phone when abusive ex-girlfriend calls demanding his attention. Girl is now dancing suggestively in front of boy. He is watching only between texts to said drunken slutcake. Girl has her fancy psychedelic disco speakers cranking. Boy is moping. Girl curls up on bed like a pussycat. Boy is still moping. Girl finally gets mad. Boy feels bad. Awkward silence ensues for the next three hours. Girl loses the mood entirely and doesn't even bother trying, and neither does he. Girl knows she is way out of his league, yet something in her allows her to demean herself by being his puppydog bitch. Girl loses all self-respect and turns to more drugs to calm herself.

Girl cries herself to sleep.

[ChubbyTeletubby]

Girl needs to slow down.

Life is so short.

Who cares?

Just look up at the sky and never stop asking, "why?"

[Leblanc4prez]

Shippo: Psy says I'm as smart as a wrestling fan.

[march5th00]

Ves, that last one was less a rant and more a one-woman-pity-party. Drop the bastard. If he can't be there with you (and would rather use that time on his EX) then you're not looking at much of a future.

I'm pissed so this rant thread really appealed to me. I'm pissed at the auto shop down the street:

Do your job right the FIRST TIME asshole. Don't blame me for the mistakes you made and DON'T expect me to pay for them. I'm already 400 bucks on top of the estimate you gave me because of this mistake, and now because the bastard forgot to do his job when he was neck deep in my engine, he's trying to get me to pay him to get all the way back there to clean up his mess for the second time. And what the fuck am I supposed to do? cry and scream? tell him he's an asshole? take the car somewhere else? In the end, I'm still stuck with this problem and at least this guy knows what's wrong - he SHOULD. the fucktard DID IT. so now I'm stuck with a massive car bill for a job that should have been straight and easy - that I should have done myself - and I lose my car for another day. Tomorrow I'll have to take the god-damn bus in a city that's known to have one of the worst public transportation systems in the states. Don't worry asshole, it only take me 2 hours to get to my job by bus. Not a big deal to have to do that AGAIN for this same mistake - even though I've already done it twice in the past.

But we'll see who has the last laugh. I'll stand outside of your business with a fucking sign that says "Warning: bringing your car here is likely to cause your ass to bleed." I'll call all of my friends and have them spam the better business bureau with complaints ranging from "they screwed up my car then made me pay for it" to "we saw them smoking crack behind the building." Then I'll drive my car raw with a blinking oil light until a god-damn piston goes flying out of the hood, bring their asses to court, and finally have the matter settled by a judge. It's nice to have a lawyer in the family.

Car mechanics make the mistake of assuming that everybody who brings their car to them doesn't know shit about cars. Just because you don't admit to the mistake doesn't mean it's not as clear as day fuck-face - and would be to anybody that can change their own oil.

[Vesnic]

That's the spirit, March! Rip the fucker limb from limb! Hang his viscera-oozing limbs from a flagpole. Tie his intestines around his shit shyster auto-shop and then burn the whole thing to the ground, making sure there's plenty of motor oil around before you light the match! Fucking users! Rid the world of that scum!

Heehee. Sorry, I had to giggle.

[march5th00]

Heehee. Sorry, I had to giggle.

Yeah yeah, i got a little carried away. It's not as bad as I'm making it out to be - but that's the beauty of the rant! Still - it's better than your "I'm sad! He's not paying attention to me" rant! lol

[apotheosis]

May I suggest first person shooters? They always make me feel better when the opposite sex gets me down. Here are some suggestions:

Halo: Combat Evolved
Doom III
F.E.A.R.
Painkiller
Duke Nukem 3-D
Unreal Tournament
Quake
Heretic
Hexen
Ken's Labyrinth (it's retarded but fun)


(any sequels or prequels are appropriate as well)

[Vesnic]

I would also like to suggest Grand Theft Auto (any of its versions) when feeling completely disgusted with the entire human race.

[donteatpoop]

In regards to the initial rant; when a vehicle comes to close to me as I am walking, I punch it as hard as I can. Sometimes this leaves a bit of dent, othertimes it just hurts my hand; but in either case the driver hears this and understands that they were wrong. Sometimes they get out of their cars to say "what the fuck was that for" or something similar, and at this point you have the opportunity to verbally rip them apart.

Good times, good times.

In regards to your second rant. Drop the bastard. There are plenty of people willing to satisfy your sexual urges, I am sure. Get with someone who actually wants to be with you. You're a charming and intelligent girl, Ves; guys should be crawling over one another to get to you. Go with a man who will treat you like the amazing chick that you are.

[Vesnic]

You're damn straight!

You are my new best friend, Poopykins!

[apotheosis]

Oh yes, I forgot, the GTA's. They are amazing, especially when you are drunk.

Handle of Rum + GTA= Hours being entertained hitting pedestrians with a bat.

[Vesnic]

It may only be a Tuesday night, but Klub Ves is crankin'!
It may only be a few feet by a few more feet, but Klub Ves is HOT!

And why? you might ask
Because Ves has just gotta dance.
Dance dance dance the night away
On the table and under the bed
Gotta dance!

This is our youth, kids, the only youth we're ever going to get. Do you ever feel like throwing yourself through your window? Do you ever feel like jumping on the bed while head-banging your stuffed Barney? Do you ever feel like finding a stranger in the night and seducing them in a dark dripping alleyway? Do you ever wish you could wake up in someone else's shirt?

This is your youth, everyone! And you only get it once. Be crazy. No. Be crazier. You're not crazy enough, dammit! Crazy, crazy crazy! Dance, dance DANCE!

Get yo' bodies movin' NOW cuz Klub Ves is open till dawn!

[ChubbyTeletubby]

But I'm too white to dance.

[End Master]

I thought you were part American Indian and Italian?

[Vesnic]

Hmmm...really? That sounds like the perfect formula for a big dick.

Now we just need a Jew to add the thickness factor.

That reminds me of a joke I once heard:

A man is sitting next to a woman on a plane and he asks her what she's reading. "This is a really interesting article," she says. "Statistics have shown that American Indians have the longest penises and Jews have the thickest ones. I'm Cheryl, by the way. What's your name?"

"Tonto Greenberg," the man replies, extending his hand to her.

Yuck yuck.

But really, where are the Jews? Why do we have no Jews here? Or do we, and they're just afraid to come out of the attic because End Master keeps making Nazi exploitation flick jokes?

It's ok, Jewbies! Come bring your spinny tops and show us a good time!

[End Master]

I think Apoth and Xnull's friend bigblotbob is supposed to be Jewish.

If he is, he's the only one I can think of that's made an open appearance on here.

[ChubbyTeletubby]

Well yes, I'm part Native American, part English, part French.

But Hell no I aint no greaseball Ital. Jesus, End. Although people think I LOOK Italian. And I do have friends in Waste Management.

And my dick WOULD be incredibly long if it weren't for the fact that it's more tangled than Don King's hair in the morning.

I was watching this old episode of Pee Wee's playhouse recently. That black cowboy dude waltzes in, and that one chic that had a crush on him gasps, "My, what BIG feet you have!"

Without missing a beat he replies, "You know what they say, 'Big Feet...'" an unhealthy silences ensues "...Big Shoes!"

Pee Wee stares at the camera and shrugs.

Girth is more important than length, though. I don't have a vagina but I'm pretty sure that's the case. Also there's...No.

I'm done.

[Vesnic]

Wow, Chub, you must really have a lot of inner turmoil with that sort of an ethnic mixture. I mean, the French and English parts of you have always hated each other, pummeling one another for centuries with arrows and cannonballs and the worst sorts of taunts. Then the English went a'sailing and started hating on the Native Americans, thereby further increasing your inner strife. Not to be outdone, the French teamed up with the Indians to take their best shot at the Brits, who then retaliated in kind by sitting down to a nice turkey dinner with the Native Americans and making Frenchy fartypants jokes the entire time. Damn. You must walk around punching yourself in the face all day. How did you ever get all these furious people to chill and and just do each other?

Oh, nevermind. I forgot that angry sex is the best kind.

[ChubbyTeletubby]

Ya I have angry sex ALL the time. Like, five times a day.

Just not with other people.

[Leblanc4prez]

Psy: Why is it that you cannot purchase high quality assasin droid equpiment/parts anymore. My latest invention, a self sustaining, unlimited energy, human inteligence assasin droid is almost complete. However, the stupid fat, man at the droid emporium says that because a stupid smuggler, droped his load on the Kessle run, he's out of parts till nex financial quarter.

[Vesnic]

Anyone ever been to Al-Anon? How was it? If you don't feel like posting publicly, please PM me.

[ChubbyTeletubby]

Al-Anon, Ves?

Never been.

[Leblanc4prez]

Mad Dok Burnaboy: I hates da way dat da Warrghboss is always yel;lin at me, just bekauz I likes to experiment on my boyz. what is wrong wif extra armz and teef? all my boyz iz better and stronger than the other Orkz, bekauze we is da toughest and we haz da bestest shootas!

[Vesnic]

I've lost pills of how many popped I've counted....

[Leblanc4prez]

Bulb: I for one am imensly pissed off with the retarded antics of Shippo, The evil meglomaniacal stylings of Psy or the aloof boredom\contempt That Leblanc holds for human kind in general.

I also dislike the Pompossness of Spector, the arrogance of Kurt and the pretend stupidity that Serenity adopts in order to attract men.

[Vesnic]

I just cut myself with a knife, the odd result being that I extended my lifeline.

[ChubbyTeletubby]

:confused:

[End Master]

Was it on purpose?

[Vesnic]

I haven't done that on purpose since my drunken arm whittling when I decided to drop out of grad school. Now I'm just old and clumsy.

[End Master]

"Arm whittling"

That's a good one. I like that phrase. Makes attempted suicide sound artistic.

[Vesnic]

Yes, it was indeed artistic. I created an interesting design with the various slashes. Nothing definite, though. No writing. Just sort of abstract and whimsical. There's even a funnier story attached to this already happy-go-lucky tale. The week after my artistic endeavors, I went to a Halloween party with some friends. I went as Death in a black cocktail dress, ghastly makeup, and a 5-dollar scythe from CVS. At first I didn't know how to cover up my cuts. Then I thought to myself, "Hey, it's Halloween. I'm supposed to be freaky". So I bought some red body paint and painted over my cuts, then dribbled a little down my cheek for good measure. My friends had no idea the wounds were real until I fell over drunk and, laughing hysterically, pointed to my arm while screaming at the top of my lungs, "THEY'RE REAL!! THEY'RE REAL!!"

[ChubbyTeletubby]

I never cut myself until last year when I had a psychotic blackout, on the night of a full moon, coincidentally.

[End Master]

I fell over drunk and, laughing hysterically, pointed to my arm while screaming at the top of my lungs, "THEY'RE REAL!! THEY'RE REAL!!"

Ha ha, that's delightfully chaotic.

[Vesnic]

Oh, Lord in heaven! Sweet merciful Jesus! My vibrator is missing! I think my father has stolen it.

[ChubbyTeletubby]

Please can I borrow it next? Don't wash it. Knowing where it's been is half the fun.

[Vesnic]

That's fine, ChubChub, but I have to apologize in advance for not having any social diseases to pass onto you. I'm clean as Mr. Clean. Hahaha. Would you mind if I stole your famous quote just for this one post? It's really the way I feel right now:

"Somebody had better touch my body right now!"

I would even be willing to share my Vics so I had someone to float through the clouds with.

[ChubbyTeletubby]

*I'm touching your body with my mind*

NOW SEND ME THE VICS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

EDIT: I'm touching MY body. Does that count? Please give me the Vics. Or at least mind-fuck me.

[Vesnic]

I'm still all tuckered out from mindfucking my doctor last week.

Doc: (smiling sleazily) So, Ves, why don't you stay here and not go away?

Me: Hmm yeah, maybe. Hey, why didn't you ever tell me about that mindfulness program you have going?

Doc: Because you were leaving, and, uh...

Me: You just didn't want the others to get jealous of me since I'm such a yoga goddess.

Doc: (blushing visibly) Wow, how can I respond to that one? Um...can you wrestle too?

Me: Yeah, I can wrestle.

Doc: I bet you can't beat me at arm wrestling.

Me: You want a bet, little man? I'll take you right here, right now.

Doc: How much are you gonna bet?

Me: Ten bucks.

Doc: I'll give you a hundred if you win.

Me: You're on! (proceeds to lie on the floor on her stomach. Doctor joins her, facing her in the same position. They put their arms up.)

Doc: Ready?

Me: Ready. Grrrrrrr....grrrrrrrrrrrrr...

Doc: You gotta try harder than that.

Me: (checking to make sure cleavage isn't falling out of shirt) I give up.

Doc: (pushes her hand down to the floor, pinning it there for an extended period of time) Awww, you lost.

Me: (getting back up) It looks like I owe...

Doc: I don't want your ten bucks. How about we go get coffee instead?

Me: Okay, but I got a ride from my old man today.

Doc: Oh...um...you know, you really should leave your house with all the alcoholism going on.

Me: (smiling devilishly) Yeah, I know. Don't forget the prescription!

Doc: How many do you want?

Me: 120.

Doc: Okay. So you're going through your old stuff?

Me: Yeah, there's so much of it. I'm uncovering a lot of memories.

Doc: (smiling sleazily) Embarrassing ones? Look at you blushing!

Me: I'm spent from all your brute strength.

Doc: Letters from old lovers?

Me: Maybe, but I'm not embarrassed of them.

Doc: (gives intense tight hug) Well, if you don't find anyone in Boston, I'll still be here.

Me: You mean you'll take me back?

Doc: Yeah, I'll take you back.

Ahhh, the great game of mindfuck. I could play it aallllll day long. I have other versions of this same game, including the Ex-Neurosurgeon, Dead Ex-Boyfriend, Spanish Professor and Priest editions!

[ChubbyTeletubby]

What the Hell was that? A Disney special?

Give us something JUICY.

Jesus Christ. At least jerk the man off.

[Vesnic]

But this is called mindfucking! Hence, the physical act of jerking-off does not factor into it. I feel bad for the male gender. From all accounts I've gotten, you fellas are incapable of the great art of mentalbation. I used to get through those long hours in the library by taking a "study break" every now and then. I honed my abilities till it got to the point where I could think myself into an orgasm after only 15 minutes of concerted fantasizing. I didn't have to lay so much as the tip of a fingernail anywhere south of my border. 15 was a great age.

[ChubbyTeletubby]

We mentalbate all day long. I mind fuck every woman I see always. As long as she got tits she's fair game. The actual act of spilling my sperm isn't that great. It's like 'UHH! Uh. uhh...' Now get away from me, bitch.

Oh, and here's a towel. Shut up bitch I aint using no God damn condom just be glad I didn't cum all up in your skanky ass you filthy slut. Rub it in or something. This aint nothing like the pornos I watch. RELISH it bitch. RELISH my sperm.

Then comes the crying and 911 dialing.

[Leblanc4prez]

Mentok: Mindfucking. Oh nononono. I will not allow the use of my powers for such a thing. Because I "MENTOK THE MIND TAKER" demand it.

[Vesnic]

I just doubledosed on doubledose Vic. I hope it doesn't fuck up my respiration too bad.

[Leblanc4prez]

Shippo: I like marshmellos..... and whiskey.

[Vesnic]

Home Sweet American Healthcare

-Hmm, now that I've moved, I should probably get a new primary physician.

Ring ring...

-Hello, Porkus and Piggly Medical Associates. This is Kim. How may I help you?

-Hi, Kim. I would like to set up Dr. Nolan as my PCP if I may.

-Unfortunately, Dr. Nolan is not accepting new patients at this time.

-She's not? But my insurance's website said that she is accepting new patients.

-No, not at this time. Sorry.

-But maybe...

Dialtone

-Shit!

And then, after much internet perusing...

-Ok, I'll try this one instead. It's really far away, but I could always take the train I guess.

For English, press one. Para español, oprima el número dos.

-The Spanish ones always sound happier, but I'll go with 1.

Your call is important to us. Please stay on the line and someone will be with you shortly.

...5 minutes later...

Your call is important to us. Please stay on the line and someone will be with you shortly.

...5 minutes later...

Your call is important to us. Please stay on the line and someone will be with you shortly.

...5 minutes later...

Your call is important to us. Please stay on the line and someone will be with you shortly.

-You already said that, dammit!

We're sorry, but no one is available to assist you at this time. Please try back later.

-FAHCK YOOOOOOO!!!! I need my vaccine, dammit! I'll call back my old doctor and see what he suggests.

Thank you for calling Cesspool Medical Group. We are closed today because of inclement weather. Please call back tomorrow. If this is an emergency, hang up and dial 911 at your convenience.

-Aw, fuck it.

pops a pill

[Leblanc4prez]

I Invented voilenc you vile venomous little bitches!
Vain, Vicodin, *imatates chainsaw* Vrnnn, vrnnn, vrnnnnnn!

[apotheosis]

They should really make high level pain killers over the counter.

[Leblanc4prez]

The Cake is a lie!

[apotheosis]

Do you think a human being would be capable of killing themselves with nothing but a fork and some time? (10 hours at most)

[ChubbyTeletubby]

I would have to say yes.

Intriguing question, apoth. I like the way your mind works.

[Vesnic]

All it takes is a couple well done jabs to the eye. You hardly need ten hours for that.

[End Master]

I was thinking a few jabs to the jugular. Probably quicker than the eye.

Are we talking a proper fork or one of those plastic ones? Might take a lot longer with a plastic one.

[Leblanc4prez]

I kinda prefer a short sharp, stab in the temple, then you give the fork a twist if it didn't work first time... Psy tried somthing similar to me and now I can taste colours.

[Vesnic]

I want to blow up the gym.

To the perfect, meticulously manicured blonde reading a trashy mag on the treadmill in front of me:

Careful now, sweetheart, don't break a nail. And by all means, don't try too hard. You've never really had to try hard, have you? You've never known fear or sickness, have you, you vapid little twit? Look at you there, dilettantishly flipping the pages of your trash 'zine while being careful not to squeeze a drop of sweat from that smooth unscathed nape. Workouts don't require effort. In fact, nothing really requires effort. You are more than content to get by on all those things that you were born with and for which you never had to lift one of those pretty manicured fingers. You disgust me.

To the frumpy, wedgie-picking assault to femininity who stepped onto the same treadmill when the little blonde thing forgot what she was doing:

Your hair looks like you got caught in a tropical cyclone that blew you all the way here. It is not appropriate to touch your ass in public. True, you don't have much in the looks department, but you could certainly improve things by not wearing the couture equivalent of trash bags. Did you have to choose the treadmill right in front of me? Isn't it bad enough my neck and my shoulders and just everything hurts? Now my eyes have to hurt too. Go home and bury yourself in the basement. You make me sick.

To all the intense, self-obsessed, mindless, wheel-running hamsters who populate the gym: you all make me want to wretch bile all over the floor and then stagger away with the on-switch gripped tightly in my fist.

BADA BOOM!!

Good-bye, little hamsters! See you in hell.

[Leblanc4prez]

MRH, would you like to add an eppisode to Apoth, Chubby, Leblanc and Ves adventures? Or do you want a charecter interviewed... It's about all I'm good for.

[apotheosis]

I want to blow up the gym.

To the perfect, meticulously manicured blonde reading a trashy mag on the treadmill in front of me:

Careful now, sweetheart, don't break a nail. And by all means, don't try too hard. You've never really had to try hard, have you? You've never known fear or sickness, have you, you vapid little twit? Look at you there, dilettantishly flipping the pages of your trash 'zine while being careful not to squeeze a drop of sweat from that smooth unscathed nape. Workouts don't require effort. In fact, nothing really requires effort. You are more than content to get by on all those things that you were born with and for which you never had to lift one of those pretty manicured fingers. You disgust me.

To the frumpy, wedgie-picking assault to femininity who stepped onto the same treadmill when the little blonde thing forgot what she was doing:

Your hair looks like you got caught in a tropical cyclone that blew you all the way here. It is not appropriate to touch your ass in public. True, you don't have much in the looks department, but you could certainly improve things by not wearing the couture equivalent of trash bags. Did you have to choose the treadmill right in front of me? Isn't it bad enough my neck and my shoulders and just everything hurts? Now my eyes have to hurt too. Go home and bury yourself in the basement. You make me sick.

To all the intense, self-obsessed, mindless, wheel-running hamsters who populate the gym: you all make me want to wretch bile all over the floor and then stagger away with the on-switch gripped tightly in my fist.

BADA BOOM!!

Good-bye, little hamsters! See you in hell.

People like that make me sad for the state of humanity as well. I suppose all we can do is rejoice in our differences and respect each other and hope for a brighter tomorrow.

[Vesnic]

Hey Apoth, thanks for making me feel shittier than I already do. Why don't you grow up a little?

[Vesnic]

Ves: Although I've never seen your picture (and likely never will - although you could request my "friendship" on MySpace and see mine anytime), let me just say that if some years down the road you find yourself still on that treadmill staring at vapid twits or garbagebag-wearing heifers, I will gladly tackle them off the equipment and replace them with my friend that is a Chippendale's dancer (He'll be wearing the sparkly thong!). After that, I'll take you to a fine romantic dinner that will undo all your hard work for the day, at the end of which I shall propose...

...that you are the finest woman that ever lived. THE END

Hahaha! Michael, you have an impeccable sense of timing. I was just about to deliver the mother of angry rants, but this little surprise has charmed and amused me so I'll spare everyone my wrath. For tonight, anyway. Knowing my mental state these days, it won't take long...no, it won't take long...

[apotheosis]

Hey Apoth, thanks for making me feel shittier than I already do. Why don't you grow up a little?

It was just a joke, but once again, everyone on this forum (and by everyone, I mean you and Locke) seem really on edge. So, I will fix my post, once again.

[Vesnic]

Heh, I took my edge off today. It's amazing what insufficient sleep can do for you. I'm also enrolling in Humor class at night school.

[Leblanc4prez]

Shippo: I shoved some magic eggplants inside my derrier, and did my merry fox-dance at the 4H fair! I like cocolate cookies, they're my crystal meth, wash them down with bullets for a bloody death!

[Vesnic]

I am losing my mind.

I can't sleep anymore. It's 3:40? How did that happen? I suppose it doesn't help that I live in a subterranean dungeon with no natural light. Fluorescent lights are bad for your psyche.

I don't know where any of my things are. Anything could be anywhere. Every time I wake up, I expect to find myself somewhere else. I have semi-waking nightmares with my eyes open. As much as I try to struggle against the devil, he has me pinned to the spot.

I'm becoming tolerant to every drug I have at my disposal. That has to be bad for your psyche, too.

Alternately hungry and nauseous. Alternately energetic and sluggish. Not even my thoughts follow a logical order anymore. I suppose it's all been falling apart gradually, but it all seems so accelerated now. In the space of five minutes, I come to ten absolute convictions of what I'll do and how I'll be. In the next five minutes, all of these have been forgotten.

People are strange here. No one greets anyone else. Everyone is suspicious. I'm suspicious too. I like to lurk in shadows and I always find it amusing when someone is surprised to find me walking behind them. Yet even the people I supposedly know are suddenly unknowable to me. I have forgotten about my friends. Or have they forgotten about me?

Life is strange, so very strange. I wish I could sleep. I hate this music that's playing right now. I can't stand any sound. No televisions, no music, no voices. I want silence, utter and complete silence and darkness. But everything is a bastardization, a mix; nothing is pure. The external impurity knocks down the doors of the mind until I too am just a-swirl on a see of various and sundry trash.

[Leblanc4prez]

Shippo: LeBlanc makes me live in the bsement!

Psy: Just ignore Shippo. He might go away.

[apotheosis]

Ves, try benadrill. That should knock you right out, especially if you take it with alcohol.... though that could potentially be lethal, but only for wimps. Children's benadrill is the best, the liquid bubble gum flavored kind. Suck down a few shots of that and you will be gone. Just be sure to drink a lot of water before hand because it has a tendency to dry you up.

[Leblanc4prez]

Shippo: Hot cocoa always makes me sleepy, specialy when Mr Psy makes it.

Psy: *whispers to Apoth* I usualy spike it with rohypnol.

[Vesnic]

Benadryl, Robitussin, and Vicodin, OH MY!

That's way too many syllables. And way too many drugs. It's too bad the things make me feel so good or I'd hardly bother at all.

[Vesnic]

Hmmm, I might not wake up at all, but that's not such a bad way to go. I don't think I'd be too upset if I died young. At least I'll never grow old and incontinent and (even more) useless. I'll try it tonight. Thanks, guys, for the semi-suicidal tips! I'm really glad I've found such caring friends.

[Vesnic]

Haha. No, really, I actually appreciate potentially lethal suggestions if they do involve me getting high and aroused and snoozy first. No apologies necessary this time, little man. Now make your deep obeisance and be on your merry way.

[Vesnic]

WOOHOOOO!!

Sufficient sleep?

Check.

Sufficient drugs?

Check.

I'm off to the gymmy gym gymbo!

Three-hour workout tonight:

1 hour of pilates
1 hour of yoga
1 hour of Latin dancing!

Don't get jealous now, bitches, maybe someday you'll be able to move like me.

You say I MOVE
Like I got something
to PROVE?
Well maybe I DO!

So?

Sufficient borscht?

Check.

Ochi chernye! Ochi zguchie!
Ochi strastnye i prikrasniye!
Kak lyubyu ya vas!
Kak boyus ya vas!

[Vesnic]

It's the End of an Era...

I just learned today that the scholarship I applied for for the second time in a row has not gone through. I will no longer be in consideration for an internship abroad, despite the fact that, frankly speaking, I really REALLY deserve it.

In the course of the past year, I have lost my health, my home, my dog, several friends, my dignity and, finally, my dreams.

It's an achingly beautiful thing, to finally give up on a dream. It's a massive weight off your shoulders and a sudden infusion of cool, empty air into your overworked lungs. It's a freefall, a willful yet blind plunge into whatever comes next. It is the state of absolute uncertainty. It is reassuringly obliterating.

Good-bye, sweet dream. You were my hope and my torment all these years. I'm sorry I could never make you happen. Perhaps we will meet again someday, but I won't follow you any further. I can't, and I won't.

Langston Hughes asked, "What happens to a dream deferred?" I ask, "What happens to a dream that's died?" I suppose this is the less mysterious question. It's the same process as for a person who's died. You bury it, you mourn it, you move on, because you must.

Good-bye, sweet dream. You were never mine to have.

[apotheosis]

Your hitting bottom, in the words of our good friend Tyler Durden. Now the real spiritual healing can begin.

[Vesnic]

You know, I think I might just put that movie in and cut myself with a dull knife as I watch it. Thanks for the tip!

[apotheosis]

Why cut yourself when there are so many other people you can cut? So many people more deserving of being disembowled with a spoon.

[Locke]

And I thought you were taking it so well...

[Vesnic]

Taking it well? I couldn't begin to understand the definition of that anymore. It's lost all meaning in my life.

[apotheosis]

Well, when things are looking really down, the historical approach is to blame the jews. Bigblotbob is jewish, and you hate him. See? You are halfway there.

[Vesnic]

TV?

Check.

Movie?

Check.

Fondue fork?

Check.

Lighter?

Check.

I am now going to watch Fight Club while slowly stabbing myself in the heart region.

[Vesnic]

Thank you, Michael. That is really sound, compassionate advice. Advice that I will certainly follow. Tomorrow. Tonight, though, I must give in to the demon.

[Leblanc4prez]

Psy: hey mien strudle, why the long face? You still have me.

[Vesnic]

Danke sehr mein Schatz. Ich hab' dich noch sehr lieb.

[Leblanc4prez]

Ja. Ich liebe Sie, Vorzufälle mehr so, als jede einzelne lebende Person eine Frau lieben konnte. Ich belive, den mein Schicksal Sie machen soll, werden meine Frau und wir über die Welt zusammen herrschen. Dann werden alle schwächlichen Sterblichen an unserem Kollektiv zittern könnte. Mwahahahaha!

[Vesnic]

Dreams gone, insomnia on.

[Leblanc4prez]

Shippo: Mr. Psy's funny talk language scares me sometimes.

[ChubbyTeletubby]

I never had a dream to begin with, so it's not so hard for me to fade into obscurity.

Sorry, though, Ves.

Michael, calm down. Xeresgate is as futile as my sobriety.

[Leblanc4prez]

Psy: Xeresgate is a work of art... but it might be like Schubert's unfinished sympony.... unfinished.

[Vesnic]

Thanks, Chubby. My best friend and I were talking today and she told me how she's been ready to sell out to The Man since kindergarten. I'm having an oddly optimistic night, partially fueled by those heavenly pills. I know for sure I'm addicted now because I felt like my body was going to fall into crumbly bits until I popped one and it worked like instant superglue to hold me together. But anyway, as for The Man, I haven't made my plan of attack yet.

[Leblanc4prez]

Kurt: If you want someone attacked.... I work cheep!

Spectre: He means Cheap

[Usoki]

Must you brag about your titles? This caused me to look at my own. I have recently become a Paperback Writer. And, now that I'm aware of this, that excellent Beatles song of the same name is now stuck in my head.

[ChubbyTeletubby]

You guys are SILLY BILLIES!

HA! Silly guys.

You're so silly! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

YOU SILLY WILLY BILLIES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Vesnic]

Everyone wastes their own life.

[Leblanc4prez]

Kurt: The best of times is now, what's left of Summer, but a faded rose?
The best of times is now, as for tomorrow, well who knows?

[Leblanc4prez]

Kurt: Oh, what a circus, Oh what a show!

[Leblanc4prez]

Kurt: If i were a rich Meowth....
I was rich once :(

[ChubbyTeletubby]

The scale just titled to 3.2 with THAT post.

[donteatpoop]

The scale just titled to 3.2 with THAT post.

3.5 if you consider that he wasn't just pronouncing his gayness but quoting a musical.

[Leblanc4prez]

Kurt: Here's a little ditty they're singing in the city,
Especialy when they've been on the gin or the beer!

Spectre: If you've got the patience, then your inagination's will tell you just excactly
what you want to hear.

Serenity: Oom, Pah, Pah, Oom, Pah, Pah! That's how it goes,
Oom, Pah, Pah, Oom, Pah, Pah! Everyone knows.
You can suppose what you wanna suppose, When you say Oom, Pah, Pah!

[Leblanc4prez]

Kurt: I have just revived the Yami City Light opera society... Wanna Join? Or atleat be a sponser?

[Vesnic]

Ok, guys, please stop hijacking my thread.

[Leblanc4prez]

Bulb: I have just aprehended the freaks... Now we may go on...

[Vesnic]

Boy, it sure would make me happy if my dad would stop using my toothbrush. :eek:

[End Master]

As I suggested before, you should use such creepy moments of indirect closeness as bonding experiences.

[Vesnic]

Got any ideas on how this could be done, End?

As of now, I'm going with Apoth's suggestion: "Hide your toothbrush and have a decoy...that you use to clean your butt hole."

Apoth is bloody brilliant.

However, I might have to draw the line at my armpit scrubber instead.

[End Master]

"Hide your toothbrush and have a decoy...that you use to clean your butt hole."

Yeah, but if you do that, instead of you and your dad indirectly Frenching each other, you’d basically be letting your dad give you a rim job by proxy.

Not sure what the "Armpit" category is called, but there's still the chance that he may like any of these brand new "tastes" which would make this whole twisted affair even creepier.

[apotheosis]

It has to be the butthole. Make it right after you poop but before you wipe as well. And make sure this is after you worked out so your ass is nice and sweaty.

[Leblanc4prez]

Shippo: Psy uses my toothbrush as an ear cleanser... but I don't mind... earwax tastes yummirific!

[Leblanc4prez]

I acctuarly have a rant. I hate the way TV has become the forrum for the "Mentaly retarded." I don't know much about American TV, but here in Australia, Reality TV and remakes of crappy 70's and 80's shows are all that are avalible to watch.

Now reality TV? I hate it! I watch TV to escape from reality! I'm thinking of starting my own show... Australian Idle! It's just me sitting on my couch for half an hour. God damn TV.

And the remakes? Shows like "Bionic woman" Sucked in the 80's. It was a crappy spin-off of "Steve Austin, the Six Million Dollar Man" Now it sucks even more... Why won't TV execs let sleeping shippo's lie?

And this writers strike in America? I wan't some more seasons of "My Name is Earl"! but I have to wait... Damn it!

[Usoki]

Happy people, the Writer's Strike is over.

And Lo, there were more Episodes of Lost, and the People did Rejoice. Yay.

[Leblanc4prez]

Lost is named well... I can't follow any of it! nah just kidding. Lost is pretty cool.

[Vesnic]

Well, friends, next week I will be off to our fine nation's capital for some concerted tabledancing! Ves is hitting the clubs with a BADDA BOOM!

[Hi! My name is: Katie]

Happy people, the Writer's Strike is over.

And Lo, there were more Episodes of Lost, and the People did Rejoice. Yay.

I rejoiced so hard when I found out, I almost danced right out of my happy shoes.

[Usoki]

I can't say that I'm glad it's over- I don't watch TV; I'm totally indifferent. But I'm so glad the Writer's Guild held their ground until they received better contracts. The last estimate of lost revenue due to the strike was 3.2 billion dollars. If that doesn't send a message to the higher ups about keeping happy minions, nothing will. ^_^

[ChubbyTeletubby]

Have fun, Ves! Why DC though? Boston seems like it would have plenty of good clubs/pubs and whatnot.

I've been to DC once and I found it to be a dreary place. Not many happy people there.

And I could care less about the whole writers coming back. I was hoping they'd be gone another three months at least. But I guess I am happy for the little guy. SO yay!

Strike's over!

[Vesnic]

Boston is actually notorious for its shitty night clubs. It's got lots in the way of events, sports, bars, but the dancing is just...eh...it's all on this lonely little stretch next to Fenway where no one really bothers to get dressed up.

I'm going to DC because I've got peeps there and I need some normal socialization.

I still love you guys, though.

They're letting her out! They're letting her out of the dungeon!

[ChubbyTeletubby]

Well have a safe drive and have some FUN, girlfriend!

[Vesnic]

I just found a book given to me by a priest when I was in the hospital: Trustful Surrender to Divine Providence. I want to rip it to ribbons. Why would you guys want to celebrate a Shut the Fuck Up Day? Don't you realize that every day is shut-the-fuck-up day for us, the disenchanted assholes of the world? We're somehow supposed to be comforted by the fact that things are shitty. In fact, the worse they are, the bigger the chunk of heaven we're buying for ourselves. Fuck that. I'm sick of being under what my late uncle used to call "the fecal funnel". I'm starting a fire with this shit.

[ChubbyTeletubby]

I'm there with you.

This is it.

[Leblanc4prez]

I like Mrh's sig... Steve Odekerk Is the best director ever...

[Vesnic]

YEEHAW!!

I just did a 1,069-calorie workout! Because I needed to prove to God that I really didn't mean to indulge in that pizza earlier. I'm sorry, Lord! I will flagellate myself by burning up the elliptical machine until I catch fire and run around screaming "I'm on fire!" before jumping in the pool.

I'm so tired, though. I wonder why. My body is kind of slumping in my chair and my chest is heaving and I wouldn't have the ability to fight off anyone or their bad intentions right at the moment.

Anyone or their bad intentions...

[ChubbyTeletubby]

EDIT: Oh right. Bad intentions. *quaffs another beer and scratches his fat ass* I'll get right on it.

[apotheosis]

YEEHAW!!

I just did a 1,069-calorie workout! Because I needed to prove to God that I really didn't mean to indulge in that pizza earlier. I'm sorry, Lord! I will flagellate myself by burning up the elliptical machine until I catch fire and run around screaming "I'm on fire!" before jumping in the pool.

I'm so tired, though. I wonder why. My body is kind of slumping in my chair and my chest is heaving and I wouldn't have the ability to fight off anyone or their bad intentions right at the moment.

Anyone or their bad intentions...

I just walked around. I burned too many calories. I need to eat 3 massive meals to make up for it.

[Leblanc4prez]

I stretch the truth and jump to conclusions. But that's the only ecersise I get.

[Vesnic]

It's inflated ego time, boys and girls!

Why? you ask.

Because I just got a free latte.

Why? you ask.

Because the boy behind the counter realized that I am just too cute to pay.

[Leblanc4prez]

Wait... didn't you tell MRH you were ugly?

Psy: What! She is my flower of love... how dare you insinuate her being less than perfect!

[apotheosis]

Yes, it was indeed artistic. I created an interesting design with the various slashes. Nothing definite, though. No writing. Just sort of abstract and whimsical. There's even a funnier story attached to this already happy-go-lucky tale. The week after my artistic endeavors, I went to a Halloween party with some friends. I went as Death in a black cocktail dress, ghastly makeup, and a 5-dollar scythe from CVS. At first I didn't know how to cover up my cuts. Then I thought to myself, "Hey, it's Halloween. I'm supposed to be freaky". So I bought some red body paint and painted over my cuts, then dribbled a little down my cheek for good measure. My friends had no idea the wounds were real until I fell over drunk and, laughing hysterically, pointed to my arm while screaming at the top of my lungs, "THEY'RE REAL!! THEY'RE REAL!!"

How did your friends react when they found out the cuts were real?

[Vesnic]

They took photos for "evidence", then the next day when I'd sobered up, they had a little chat with me. They said they were very worried about my state of mind. Then I went home and they stopped calling me.

[apotheosis]

Blah self cutting is bad. There are a billion better ways to vent any sort of frustration, sadness, anger, self loathing or anything else.

If anyone is ever considering it, drop me an IM or a message and I can suggest a ton of better methods of coping.

Anyway Ves, I'm sorry to hear about that. Messed up situation.

[Leblanc4prez]

LeBlanc: I used to cut myself... now I just hit Shippo with a sledge hammer.

[Vesnic]

Blah self cutting is bad. There are a billion better ways to vent any sort of frustration, sadness, anger, self loathing or anything else.

If anyone is ever considering it, drop me an IM or a message and I can suggest a ton of better methods of coping.

Anyway Ves, I'm sorry to hear about that. Messed up situation.

Thanks, man. I don't really do this anymore, since I have found the greater obliterating pleasures of drugs and uncontrolled self-pleasuring. However, if I am ever at a loss, I will certainly ask you for some fresh ideas.

[Leblanc4prez]

When ever I feel depressd and sick of the world I cook or walk one of my dogs. Like Apoth said, there are many, many, ways to keep going when the world crumbles.

I myself might just go and make a cake now... I need a bit of cheering up.

[Vesnic]

I like cheesypoofs!

[Leblanc4prez]

My depression is gone again. I'm so happy.

[ChubbyTeletubby]

It'll be back. That's why its good to keep a bottle of vodka handy at all times.

The more you know.

[apotheosis]

My problem is I tend to just like to wallow in depression because I feel like I have to be a man and too tough to self medicate in any way shape or form.

Also, my depression always seems to be circumstantial, though the circumstances can be super minor on a relative scale, I think it is just my minds way of justifying emotions because it doesn't like the concept of emotions without causation. It's scary.

It also currently dawned on me that I actually don't have any friends in college. I have people I hang out with due to proximity, but that is about it. All of the people I thought I was friends with apparently picked into housing last year without me. I managed to get into a group, but only because they had an extra spot and I asked and they begrudgingly offered it up because they were to guilty not to.

Also, being called weird or a creep for the... gosh, to be completely honest, I would say somewhere in the 1300's time, it may be better to simply keep my opinions, or thoughts in general, to myself.

I also got a depressing look at who comprises the supposed education elites of America.

Furthermore, I have no idea what I want to do with my life, and have determined I never learned how to learn in high school because I was able to just glide by on natural gift.

While I'm being completely honest, since I have no one to vent to I decided to do it to a web forum, my thoughts have become increasingly morbid as well.

I can't tell my mother any of this, because she thinks I'm having a wonderful time in college, and she worked so hard to help me get in I wouldn't want to shatter that bubble for her. She's a hopeless idealist.

My old friends from high school are getting more and more distant as time goes on as well and I feel myself drifting to a point of utter indifference.

Okay, I'll stop the emo rant. That's all. Sorry for hijacking your thread Ves. Actually I'm not.

[ChubbyTeletubby]

My problem is I tend to just like to wallow in depression because I feel like I have to be a man and too tough to self medicate in any way shape or form.

Also, my depression always seems to be circumstantial, though the circumstances can be super minor on a relative scale, I think it is just my minds way of justifying emotions because it doesn't like the concept of emotions without causation. It's scary.

It also currently dawned on me that I actually don't have any friends in college. I have people I hang out with due to proximity, but that is about it. All of the people I thought I was friends with apparently picked into housing last year without me. I managed to get into a group, but only because they had an extra spot and I asked and they begrudgingly offered it up because they were to guilty not to.

Also, being called weird or a creep for the... gosh, to be completely honest, I would say somewhere in the 1300's time, it may be better to simply keep my opinions, or thoughts in general, to myself.

I also got a depressing look at who comprises the supposed education elites of America.

Furthermore, I have no idea what I want to do with my life, and have determined I never learned how to learn in high school because I was able to just glide by on natural gift.

While I'm being completely honest, since I have no one to vent to I decided to do it to a web forum, my thoughts have become increasingly morbid as well.

I can't tell my mother any of this, because she thinks I'm having a wonderful time in college, and she worked so hard to help me get in I wouldn't want to shatter that bubble for her. She's a hopeless idealist.

My old friends from high school are getting more and more distant as time goes on as well and I feel myself drifting to a point of utter indifference.

Okay, I'll stop the emo rant. That's all. Sorry for hijacking your thread Ves. Actually I'm not.

Well that's nothing new, Apoth.

Good friends are hard to come by. And they are worth their weight in gold. I recently reconnected with an old friend I hadn't seen in 6 years. She means the world to me and I'm so glad we've reconnected because it has brought a lot of joy and closure into my life.

I didn't realize how much I had hurt her when I abruptly cut off our friendship, and have only recently realized just how similar we truly are. It also made me realize what a weird mindset I was in, where I thought the whole world hated me and no one valued me for who I am when I cut off our friendship.

That being said...

I don't really get along with most people when I speak my true mind either. That's why you need to put on that mask and con your way up the food chain. Sad but true. It's part of life. Just keep your opinions to yourself and be that person you know people will like. Say whatever needs to be said.

We're dealing with cattle, apoth. But they're strong in numbers.

I do this everyday just to survive.

There's someone out there who shares your views. And when you find them you better appreciate it.

[apotheosis]

It's not even sharing my specific political and religious opinions. Boiling down to the way I sit. And the people here claim to be crusading for civil rights. They are a bunch of pathetic hypocrites with rich parents.

[Leblanc4prez]

My parenst aren't rich. and what's civil rights got to do with anything? Civil rights are for civilians, not evil overlords.

[ChubbyTeletubby]

It's not even sharing my specific political and religious opinions. Boiling down to the way I sit. And the people here claim to be crusading for civil rights. They are a bunch of pathetic hypocrites with rich parents.

You're starting to sound like that Virginia tech dude.

Not really. The way you sit, though!? How so? If they got a problem with the way you sit tell them to kindly shut the fuck up.

That simple.

Don't take anyones shit. I mean, be friendly, but don't let the bastards grind you down. Ah Hell. I dunno.

You obviously know what you're doing.

[Leblanc4prez]

Feed them a new theory or somthing. Confuse the bastards. The ass holes won't bother you if you insult their intelligence.

[apotheosis]

I'm just venting. But I don't know, its like people have no imagination anymore. Even their rebellions are conformist. Blah, I'll manage. Just the occasional vent helps.

[ChubbyTeletubby]

You're damn right you will.

This is all fodder for later battles. Nothing wrong with feeling pain, betrayal, the hypocrisy and selfishness of others. Just roll with it.

So they're brain dead? What's new in America? Most people are. But it's those few who AREN'T that make our country great.

Okay, I'm done.

[Leblanc4prez]

Not just the ol' US. People here in the antipodes are becoming more Americanised each day. But unfortunatly as our main contact with you guys is TV, we are getting the wrong Idea about you. So imagine an America made up of it's worst features.

But I digress, Glad you feelin better bro.

[ChubbyTeletubby]

Not just the ol' US. People here in the antipodes are becoming more Americanised each day. But unfortunatly as our main contact with you guys is TV, we are getting the wrong Idea about you. So imagine an America made up of it's worst features.

But I digress, Glad you feelin better bro.

Yes, this is the unfortunate reality across the globe. To an extent it IS a narrow representation of SOME quarters of American society. But it is a glamorized take on things. There's a lot of really hard working people in this country who are struggling paycheck to paycheck.

We don't have a very good public transportation system, so most people must commute many miles a day in their car and with rising fuel prices it's just getting that much harder. We don't have a lot of social programs that WORK, so even basic medical care doesn't exist for those who don't have good insurance with their employers.

The cost of oil is affecting everything. I mean I can't hardly afford to buy eggs anymore because the price is just spiraling up one week to the next. I think we're all gonna need to tighten our belts because it's only going to get worst before it better.

We're not a bunch of fuck-happy whores, either. There's a lot of promiscuity in American television but most people I know aren't like that. Although there are SOME.

And actually I know a lot of very generous people who have devoted their lives to helping those in other countries around the globe. As it stands, America is the one taking the lead on such things as AIDs in Africa and the battle against international terrorism. Although we're not doing such a good job with environmental stuff.

And our President lead us into a misguided war and now everyone hates us for it. I don't think we deserve this much ire, but oh well.

You have China that committed genocide against it's own people to the tune of 30,000,000, Russia to the tune of 20,000,000, ect. ect.

And yet WE'RE the bad guys? Thanks.

[Leblanc4prez]

I think That the governmet is the cause of most of the worlds problems... Let's start an Anarchy!

No, but really, Steryotypes are bad. Mmmkay? I mean, us Aussies aren't all beer swilling dead-beats, nor are we surfers, or farmers living in a dust-bowl. True theese people exist, but they are only a minor part of the population. And to answer your next questuion chub, we don't all have sex with roos either..... At least I dont... Damn things are too fast... shit! is this thing still on? *Transmission stops suddenly*

[Vesnic]

It's been one year.

On March 16, 2007, I stared out my window after a night of struggling to breathe, contemplating death and wondering why I couldn't feel my left foot. I called my surgeon, who told me to come in immediately. But I didn't make it all the way to the hospital. On the way, I suddenly lost normal sensation in all of my limbs. It felt like there was a motor running through my entire body. I couldn't move, couldn't breathe. Soon there was a firetruck and an ambulance and two squad cars. I remember getting bumped around the inside of the ambulance. They're so hard and unpadded. Someone rolled me into a room. They shot me full of steroids to get the swelling in my spinal cord down. Then they doped me beyond human recognition and sent me to the other hospital, where they inexplicably made me wait four hours to be admitted. There was a snow storm that day. It was like the end of the world, but it all just sort of slid away from me. I would have been happy to hear that it actually was the apocalypse. Somehow, an MRI happened. Then there was a quiet room with an Irish nurse who called me "her darlin'". She was happy because the next day was Saint Patty's. Four days in the hospital followed. They thought I was going to die in my sleep because my respiration was so depressed, the machines started blinking and beeping late at night. They woke me up just to tell me to breathe. They put pure oxygen under my nose, which sent me off to cold blue sleep with frozen sweat gleaming on my hair. They stuck a huge needle in my spine. They tested my heart. So much pain, the brain does the body a favor and shuts it off. I'd have been so happy to let go of just one skin cell, because it would be one less piece of body wracked with pain. And I hadn't even had surgery yet! Fun times, so many fun times then and since.

[ChubbyTeletubby]

Sorry. Sorry.
Sorry.
Sorry.
Sorry.

[Vesnic]

Boo hoo.

Pain. Wow.

Neat. New.

Chubby, I use this thread to talk about things that matter to me. I know you've never had the pleasure of actually having your body shut down on you, but it's terrifying in ways that defy description. Your callousness is really disappointing. I know you're probably drunk, and that's your habitual excuse, but really I thought I could expect better from you. Did you know that during your absence from the site, I would often sign on hoping to see that you had somehow reappeared? I admired your work a lot. I even nursed a vague hope of being able to collaborate with you in the future. However, I have really lost all interest in having any sort of interaction with you, whether here on the forum or in writing projects. I'm tired of your groundless condescension, your sporadic abuse, and your general destructiveness to many conversations. For this reason, I want you and everyone to know that I am placing you on ignore. I regret that we couldn't have had a more fruitful relationship, but I don't currently have the emotional resources to handle someone like you, either virtually or in real life.

[ChubbyTeletubby]

Your loss, dude.

[apotheosis]

I wouldn't be terribly surprised if we found out Chubby has never consumed a drop in his life but instead uses it as a justification for the filter he hasn't replaced in 20 years between his mind and his mouth.

Still, I find the image of an overweight teletubby nursing a bottle of Jack belligerently attacking everyone and everything much more amusing.

EDIT: By the way, 800 posts. w00t

[Dragavan]

By the way, 800 posts. w00t

Hooray for pointless internet achievements.

[ChubbyTeletubby]

The filter's never been there to begin with, apoth.

I'm pure, unrefined, undiluted, 100 proof stupid!

Ves just cant handle it. Why is she flipping out anyway? It's like meeting your hero and finding out they aren't who you thought they were.

So sorry, Ves. That I couldn't live up to your expectations. I'm on ignore now. Wow. That bad? Anyway I thought EVERYONE had me on ignore!

[apotheosis]

Chubby, you are going to need to burn down some government buildings and start the revolution to appease her.

[Leblanc4prez]

I don't have anyone on Ignore. Also Ves is my second best female friend online. My best one online still scares the crap outa me... why are chicks so scary?

[Vesnic]

It's been a very long time since I posted a rant here, but I've noticed that it's still quite a popular thread, that someone is often reading it and perhaps a mysterious kult has even grown up around the enlightened rantings (read: timeless teachings) of the great and mighty Vesnic! Perhaps my love of allegory is due to my love of parable and my love of parable is brought about by the fact that I am, prepare yourselves, the MESSIAH.

Speaking of the Messiah, I was watching a YouTube video of Janis Joplin bleeding out her soul for the redemption of mankind when I noticed an infuriating little comment which had regrettably been bumped up to top status because lots of like-minded idiots seemed to agree with its demented sentiment, namely:

"I'd totally hit that!"

I beg your pardon?

"I'd totally hit that!"

Oh, I thought that's what you said. (Ves proceeds to "hit that". With a hammer. Until dead.)

I fucking hate it when people, and by people I mean socially maladjusted men-children, say "I'd totally hit that!" There are three main reasons why I want to scream and rip things into ribbons whenever I hear these particular words spoken or see them splattered all over the ignominious internets:

1.) The word hit. There are so many good terms out there for having your wicked way with a lady. I won't list them here because you know them all already and it would be a little self-indulgent going out of my way to tell everyone I'm a walking thesaurus when this is already an obvious fact of life, and the additional consideration that I am currently sucking on some kind of genetically engineered blue curium candy and am therefore due to slip into a diabetic coma at any moment. My point, however, is that hit is just not a nice word. It's violent and mindless, hateful and abusive. It lacks all color, nuance or historical value. It's already an overused word in its more standard utilization, and I am nigh well sick of seeing it in its expansive new guise. Do not advertise to the world that you're a redneck wilfebeater-clad asshole who sees his despised mother's face superimposed over the form of every passing female.

2.) The word that. "That" is an impersonal demonstrative used to indicate the relative placement or position of a thing. Long ago, someone of deep wisdom decided that personal pronouns should be used by way of differentiation because we have deeper feelings about people than we do about things and people merit, by way of their sentience, a more personalized grammar. What's wrong with saying "her"? Even saying "that one" would be infinitely better than just "that". THAT is the thing you point at with disgust and confusion. You don't call a woman THAT, and once you're done calling, you certainly don't then proceed to HIT THAT. For fuck's sake, a little fucking respect please, motherfuckers. Just a little motherfucking respect. Assholes.

3.) Now putting the whole phrase back together after having broken down its individual parts, saying "I'd hit that" is just laughably arrogant. It's a special kind of pathetic person who utters such a phrase because if he thinks hitting is what's involved with that, then he really doesn't know the birds and the bees. This is the kind of statement I see invariably under pictures or videos of rock stars, actresses, models and other celebrities. While I appreciate the conditional "I would hit that" rather than the more declarative and potentially creepy "I will hit that", there is nonetheless no apparent consideration for whether or not that wants to be hit. Have you tried asking her?

I'm tired of being privy to everyone's hopelessly selfish sexual fantasies. If you want to be worthy of Janis, or any girl for that matter, why don't you try digging into that awesome vocabulary of yours and getting a little twisted and creative? "I'd totally hit that" could transform into the far more interesting and evocative, "I would like (remember, it's always nice to say please!) to tie her up with her guitar strings and frot her with the frets until she busts an A-major scream, thereby ushering in the apocalypse!"

So you see I'm not a puritan, I just hate the idea of cretins fucking, even just mentally, someone who deserves better.

(Disclaimer: this story is NOT about me. It's about Janis Joplin.)


Oh, and one more thing:

FUCK Thanksgiving. It's such a stupid holiday, it doesn't even deserve any more rant than that.

[apotheosis]

A couple of thoughts on your rant:

I fucking hate it when people, and by people I mean socially maladjusted men-children

I've heard women use the term "I'd hit that" on more than one occasion. Whether they are being humorous or are sex-crazed pigs like their male counterparts, I'm not certain.

Also, I've always been more partial to "I'd tap that" rather than "I'd hit that." I think this is probably due to the fact that I use "hit" to hit up an ATM, liquor store, or some sort of store or vendor to get a good or a product. Then again, if you make maple syrup, "tap" would have a whole different meaning to you... so I guess its a matter of taste. Though I will say tap doesn't have nearly the level of violence connoted with it.

"That" is an impersonal demonstrative used to indicate the relative placement or position of a thing.

I believe that is the point. When someone uses the expression, they are not saying anything about the individuals personality, their soul, or their spirit. They are saying if they had free reign with that persons body living, breathing body they would have sex with it and enjoy it very much. They are not saying they would want to make love, experience passion, share a connection, or have any sort of interplay. Basically they are saying the other individual's body is very attractive to them and they would enjoy to stick their junk in it until they climaxed. It is most definitely a dehumanizing statement, but I think that's the point.


there is nonetheless no apparent consideration for whether or not that wants to be hit. Have you tried asking her?

I once again point to the fact that they aren't talking about the personality or mind of the individual, just their body. It's almost like they are saying if they could magically clone or replicate that persons body they would have sex with it a lot. There has been no thought given to how it would work out if they actually approached that person in real life. A lot of times, this is due to a lack of information, they have only seen a picture or video and know nothing of the personality of the "that" that they'd hit, or if they are even the type of person they'd like to talk to. But talking isn't the point, rather, it is, does the physical attributes this body contains get certain biological processes going and chemicals releasing that facilitate orgasm. Basically, they are reducing the individual to a masturbatory aid.

Also, I agree it isn't creative, but it gets the point across.

So disrespectful, dehumanizing, unoriginal? That about sums it up.

And thanksgiving is awesome if you are an ectomorph.

That's all.

[End Master]

Eh, I doubt if any of them actually wanted to sex up the corpse of ol' Janis. I'd imagine it was just one person that thought it would be funny to post mainly because she isn't exactly what you'd call beauty queen material, then a mob mentality ensued. Throw in people getting pissed by the original comments and inevitably you get people saying it all the more. It is Youtube after all.

Really though I haven't heard anyone in person say "I'd hit that" since like the early 90s. Since that time I've only heard the phrase used on TV shows, movies or the internet and I think 90% of time it's used on the internet, people are using it as a throw away line and there isn't any deeper psychological meaning to it. If anything I've seen it used more to refer to someone who ISN'T "classically beautiful", or a little kid or something similar in a lazy form of shock value.

[Vesnic]

May I posit that relentlessly seeing the human body as something to be consumed in the most mindless manner possible counts as yet one more way in which our hyper-capitalist society has had us violently over the table with a hulking black strap-on. It threw out the ben-wa balls long ago.

OOONKA OOONKA OOONKA!!! Ok I'm done now. Bye, bitch.

That's pretty much monkey level right there. We have finally regressed so far that we are no longer even in our same species. Everyone knows that the defining characteristics of humans are the ability to talk, make spiffy tools, commit genocide, and invent awesome toys and Zorro disguises that bring a taste of honey to what would otherwise be just one. more. biological. function. This whole "hitting that" or even "tapping that" or boomptity boomptity say-what-you-want has impoverished our lives! *clears throat, brings it up an octave* IMPOVERISHED OUR LIVES!

And what has capitalism got to do with it? Capitalism is a monster that eats everything in sight and then finally devours itself from the inside out in one great ultimate act of destruction and sexual deviancy. When completely unfettered, it goes after anything and everything that once mattered to us. It can't abide the presence of art, imagination, existence for existence's sake, or even many of the practical sciences and applications if they're not made to slave entirely to the almighty BOTTOM LINE. May I theorize that chestnuts like, "I'd hit that!" are symptoms of the Capitalism Disease, which is at its heart a sickness of chromatology. It turns everything that was once colorful into bleary, dreary scales of gray!

"Stop, hey what's that sou-ound, everybody look what's goin' dow-own!" Damn I'm off key today.

As for Janis, I would totally hit that. I want her every way from Tuesday, and I know she'd like me too. And not just because I'm a fellow lady looney tune.

[donteatpoop]

Joplin? That chick was ugly. She had a lot of soul, an amazing voice, but she was not a pretty lady. Why would anyone want to hit that? Youtube commentors are retarded. Except for when it's me commenting.

[End Master]

Why would anyone want to hit that?

Why not?

A guy gets tired of all those flawless blond porn star types with surgically perfect tits and a heart shaped ass all the time. I mean how's a guy supposed to get off on that shit?

Bring on the amputees, the burn victims, and one eyed ladies with the bullet holes in their asses and...

http://i24.photobucket.com/albums/c50/Phototyrant/hit_it_fist_angry_god.jpg

No gingers though, that's just revolting.

(Wasn't Janis a big lesbian anyway?)

[Vesnic]

(Wasn't Janis a big lesbian anyway?)

I guess nowadays she'd be considered thoroughly bisexual. She had many many tempestuous love affairs throughout her life, though it's true that her more stable and long-term ones tended to be with women. Unfortunately, one of her main gals was a lipstick lesbian named Peggy Caserta who got ole' Janis into the skaggy major bigtime.

Oh, and gingers should totally be left out in the woods when they're born.

Sigh...now to make myself socially acceptable for the Big Event. I hate Turkey Day. Not because I'm a mesomorph but because it's just so...empty.

Take it, take another little piece of my heart (shaped ass). LOL.

[ChubbyTeletubby]

Hey, Ves...

I was actually thinking about you the other day while I was walking to the Arab-shop to buy my...

...stuff. And not because I've been on the site and knew you'd come back around. Just because. That's the kind of person I am. Always thinking.

Anyway. "I'd totally hit that" or whatever was meant (most likely) in a kindly sense.

It's male on male banter. It's not meant to be offensive. It's just that we're FUCKING MEN. AND it's the internet. And women, in a certain sense, will always be objects. Not in a disrespectful sense. It's a Darwinian thing, out of our control. It's a bit childish, as are men.

I like Thanksgiving. I get to drink a lot. And eat. And do things that make baby Jesus cry. (like stick my wick into the dead farm animals - teehee. "What'd you put in this gravy. Has a nice kick to it!"*)

And it's socially acceptable. Pretty much now through New Year's is a funtioning Alcy's time of year.

Yay!

(As you can see absolutely nothing has changed)


*Hint: The gravy came from inside my body!!!!!! Because I was humping the turkey and I came inside of it. GET IT???????????????? HAHAHAHAHAHAHHA!!!!!! See, cause I came inside it and then everybody started eating it. And they were like, "What'd you put in this gravy?" Get it?

Do you get it?

Cause I came inside the turkey and now they're eating the turkey and they think my love explosion is GRAVY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ahhh forget it. It's one of those thing where you just have to be here.


I really wish all of you could be here.

Ohhh, Ohhh......Oh. Oh. OH! OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH!!!! Ohhh. Ohhhh. Mmmmhmmm. Mmmmmm. And there's another batch of gravy!!!!!!!! Still warm!!!!

Getting colder. But still warm.















Still warm.

[Vesnic]

The collapse of civilization continues. I had the kind of encounter in my local library today that one might more likely expect to see in a backwater truckstop. My library is famous for two things: being one of the oldest libraries in the country...some kind of national historic thingy mabobber that didn't at all help its cause when ye olde spending cuts came slashing through last year. It is also the only library I have ever encountered that smells, through the entirety of its four floors, overwhelmingly like a baby changing station.

I am Ves. Here me roar.

Dear Library Director,

I am writing to you to express my dissatisfaction with the level of customer service currently in place at the library. I realize that the recent funding cuts have made it very difficult to keep up-to-date with even the most basic library functions, and that the new placement of the general check-out in the children's section has made life considerably more hectic for everyone.

This being said, I must complain about the demeanor of one of your current employees, and the way in which she has treated me. I do not know her name, but she is a somewhat older lady, slightly heavy-set, with light blonde-brown hair. She is invariably taciturn and humorless, never helpful, and today was downright rude. I came in this evening, on December 20th, flustered to find the library overrun with children making quite a racket and crowding the hallway. I went into the main circulation area, looking for two items that had come in through interlibrary loan. Though they were marked as having arrived, they were not yet shelved and there was no employee in sight. Children were running this way and that. I made a quick decision to step briefly, one pace, behind the desk to see if the reserve cart was sitting there in easy reach. I thought maybe the carts that would normally have been out in the open had been brought in so as not to be disturbed by the large group of children.

Having not found what I was looking for in my quick visual scan of the carts, I was on my way out when this one particular employee appeared from the other room, saying loudly to me in the following words: "Get out from there. You're not supposed to be back there." I am not a child, and have not been for some time. It came as quite a shock to be treated in so rude a manner by someone who must surely by now recognize my face and know that I am no mischief-doer. I tried to explain that I saw how busy they were and that I thought the reserve cart might be behind the desk. However, she cut me off without seeming to have listened, saying again, "Get out of there". This is the same individual who has steadfastly refused to help me on at least two occasions to find interlibrary loan items that for one reason or another have gone missing. The last time, she kept me waiting for a long time after I asked her for help, inquired if I'd checked the shelf when she had already seen me looking there for several minutes, took my card and then disappeared upstairs. When she came back downstairs, she started a personal conversation with another employee and apparently seemed to forget about me entirely. I had to make sure to pick up the card that she'd left by her station and also to ask another employee to help me with my search, as she was clearly not interested in the task. It's worth mentioning that this was in the early afternoon when there were very few other people in the library.

I am very sad to see that you no longer have on your staff several people who were both knowledgeable and helpful, and who seemed to understand the level of graciousness and customer service appropriate to a place like a library. Of the new staff, only one individual has stood out as in any way helpful or appropriate for the position, and that is the lady with short black hair who often works the same shifts behind the desk.

Regardless of whether or not I was breaking a rule, I expect to be treated like a person of dignity, with respect and consideration. I am always careful to be civil and polite in my dealings with the library staff, even on the many occasions when things are lost or items are not properly shelved. I do not appreciate being yelled at and shooed away like some sort of annoying dog. I have been a regular presence at the library since I moved here in January 2008. I would like to continue visiting this community building, but I will avoid doing so in the future if it seems that I am likely to be treated with further incivility and rudeness.

Yours sincerely,

VES

[End Master]

It is also the only library I have ever encountered that smells, through the entirety of its four floors, overwhelmingly like a baby changing station.

Yikes. Even the few remaining libraries in Detroit didn't have that problem. Then again they probably made up for it by people getting raped in the bathrooms and mugged in the parking lots.

[Hi! My name is: Katie]

Libraries have been hit hard by the economic crisis, but most systems have used it as an opportunity to kick out the employees that suck. The Grumpy Librarian would never have survived where I work currently. Libraries are very much aware that they have to meet the needs of the people in order to be relevant in a modern internet-savvy world.

The American Library Association encourages libraries to train staff, and I think in this case, because this is not an isolated incident, it would be a good idea for a manager to step in and either manage the incompetent and rude employee, or provide said employee with adequate training. Obviously, this could be cost prohibitive, but there are resources for librarians such as webinars that may be free, or low cost.

As for the smell of feces, that really should be addressed, and hopefully they can do something about it.

Don't give up on your library yet though, libraries are very good at working to meet the needs of library users.

Good luck, and happy reading!!
~Katie

[Vesnic]

Thanks for the optimistic answer, Katie. I really do hope the people here get their heads out of their asses, and I'm certainly not about to abandon them. Maybe I can pass along your suggestion when they contact me (and I just know they will) to conduct further training for their staff.

For the fat, grumpy, and old: lessons on how NOT to behave like a dog.

For the ignorant: lessons on, well...how about we just have them audit the local middle school.

Here's another funny story about my illustrious library. I went one day in search of Dylan Thomas so naturally I checked first in the poetry section. They had Homer and Beowulf and Chaucer and the Bard and then a smattering of the romantics. Nothing even close to the 20th Century. So I went trundling downstairs to the second floor, where the smell of infant feces is only medium-strong, and accosted the first employee I found.

Me: Where do you keep the Dylan Thomas?

Her: * blank stare *

Me: The poet...Dylan Thomas...?

Her: Umm...like...um...I guess you could check paperbacks. Under D.

That's not even a joke. My only consolation is that she was one of their after-school volunteers and never made a dime from her helpful services. With that grasp of the alphabet, though, I'm a little dismayed that she was even allowed to shelve books.

I just realized something. I don't think Katie and End have told us where they're living now. So, where the hell are you?


EDIT:

Anti-rant: I just made the best borscht ever! The family has gathered together for the Christmas week; mom swilled the vodka while I shredded the beets. It was epic! My Slavic wench capital just increased tenfold.

[Hi! My name is: Katie]

Your library sounds like a real life tragicomedy.

Do they do eBooks? My library does eBooks through Overdrive and Ebsco. We are just awesome like that. If you can get eBooks through them maybe you won't have to visit the godforsaken place.

You can also do your research from home instead of using the germ-infested somehow persistently sticky catalog computers. I use Worldcat.org, and my library has an online catalog.

If your library sucks as much as you say, you should start submitting entries to Awful Library Books (http://awfullibrarybooks.net/), I bet you could find some gems.

Also, I'm in planning a teen program on poetry for April, I'm going to do my teens a solid and add Dylan Thomas to the list.

[Vesnic]

Awhile back, while pissed off to no end about having to take one of those fascist corporate personality tests, I vented my ranting energies into the creation of a most viable alternative to these insults to human intelligence. Here's the harrowing result!


The Hodgpodgson Social Engineering Racket


Please note that all answers are strictly non-confidential and may be shared with whomever the fuck we choose.


Name: ____________________________________ (if suspiciously ethnic, please provide proper documentation proving that you are not a member of the American Communist Party or al-Qaeda.)


Age: ______ (if number exceeds 35, please be advised that your chance of receiving an offer of employment has now plummeted to the lower tenth percentile.)


Gender: ____ (if you are in any way conflicted about this question, you may now put your pen down and promptly vacate the premises.)


Address: ____....oh never mind; we have that already. We are also in possession of your Social Security Number, your bank routing number, your weight, full medical history including any psychiatric inpatient hospitalizations, and also the names of your children and family pet, if applicable.



Please answer the following questions with the utmost honesty. This is in your best interest, as we are always able to detect when someone is lying and we are quite capable of hunting you down in your sleep and beating you mercilessly with a truncheon.


1. On average, how many times a day do you masturbate? 2___.

2. Do you consume any narcotic medications? Y / N
Would you like to? Y / N
Are you aware of Pfizer's new stress-reducing Smacky-poo program?
Y Just enter codeword "hodgepodge" for 15% discount on next order!

N Happiness is just a phone call away at 1-800-LEGAL-HI.


Life got you down? It's time for a Smacky-poo! ©
This segment of the test has been brought to you by your friends at Pfizer!



The following are a list of hypothetical (hy-po-THE-ti-cal: something which could happen, but hasn't) situations. Please consider each scenario carefully and then circle the answer that you think best describes the correct course of action. Please note: Answer "A" is always incorrect and will result in your immediate disqualification from this and all future hiring processes which utilize the Hodgpodgson Social Engineering Racket© or those utilizing segments of test material brought to you by your friends at Pfizer©.




1. A colleague at work has irresponsibly contracted Stage III pancreatic cancer. As a result, he has been mostly absent from work in the past two weeks and you have been shouldered with all of his workload. How do you respond to this situation?

a.) (Remember, this is NOT the right answer!) You talk to your boss to see if the extra responsibilities can be divided more evenly amongst you and your coworkers. You start an office collection for a large gift basket to be sent to your friend.

b.) You carefully examine your sick colleague's records to find any details which may be slightly out of order and embellish upon these in a flurry of "anonymous" memos left on your boss' desk.

c.) You feel it is unfair that you should have to do the work of two people, so you simply neglect all of your coworker's responsibilities. When angry clients begin calling, you tell them that your colleague is "playing hooky".



2. The boss asks you and a group of coworkers to form a cooperative team whose goal is to complete a large presentation in time for the yearly corporate conference. How do you work yourself into the dynamics of this new team?

a.) You first take an honest look at your own abilities. If you feel you are a natural leader, you suggest heading up the project, but are ready to compromise in case others desire this same role.

b.) You have the most strident voice and are therefore the most knowledgeable. You bully your way into leading the project and start fantasizing about your future in Middle Management!

c.) You notice that some of your colleagues don't like one another, so you find a variety of subtle ways to set them one against the other, thus making you shine in comparison.



3.) A colleague has confessed to you (the fool) that he suffers from a crippling alcohol addiction. You:


a.) Listen attentively and offer support and advice. Find your local chapter of A.A. and give your colleague the contact information.

b.) Listen attentively and offer support and advice. When your colleague has left for the day, fill his desk drawers with Wild Turkey and then leave an "anonymous" memo on your boss' desk.

c.) Listen attentively and offer support and advice. Take him out for happy hour.



The following is a list of simple yes-or-no questions. Do not think excessively about each answer. Instead, approach this section with an attitude of openness, willingness and utmost malleability.


1. Are you or have you ever been a fan of the Ballet Trockadero, Cirque du Soleil or Liberace? Y / N


2. Do you believe that health is a human right and therefore Constitutionally guaranteed? Y / N


3. Have you ever been told that you are "inquisitive", "discerning", or "independent"? Y / N


4. Have you ever thoroughly enjoyed yourself while travelling abroad?
Y / N
If answer is "yes", please justify: _____________________________________________


5. Do you find these questions to be in any way invasive? Y / N


6. Can you speak another language? Y / N
If answer is "yes", please justify: _____________________________________________


7. Is red your favorite color? Y / N


8. Is pink your favorite color? Y / N


9. Have you ever questioned the unquestionable maxim that "might is right"? Y / N


10. Have you answered these questions honestly? Y / N


(Please be advised that if you have answered "yes" to any of the above questions, you may now put your pen down and promptly vacate the premises.)

This marks the end of the Hodgpodgson Social Engineering Racket. We hope you have enjoyed your experience with us today, as we have certainly enjoyed our experience with you. If you are in any way dissatisfied with any aspect of the test, you may call toll-free, at 1-800-PISS-OFF, where a computerized operator with an Upper Martian accent will assist you in pressing various buttons on your phone.

I do hereby waive my rights to dignity, self-respect, privacy, free will, life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness:

Signed: ___________________________________________

Date: _______________________

[Vesnic]

GARLIC makes me fucking psychotic!!!!!!!!

No joke!

[ChubbyTeletubby]

Garlic makes my breath smell like garlic.

[Vesnic]

Somebody was intensely cruel to me today and made me cry. Do I have any brave defenders here who will beat the living shit out of this heinous individual?

[ChubbyTeletubby]

I'm not a very good fighter, but that doesnt keep me from fighting! And I love throwing sucker punches!!!!

ME ME ME. I'll do it. All I need is a bottle of whiskey, a get away driver, and a pair of brass knuckles.

EDIT: And don't feel bad! Your patriots are going to the Super Bowl. AGAIN!

[BatCountry]

Well my first question is...did you deserve it? There are two sides to every story and maybe you insulted this persons elderly grandmother or something.

Secondly....If you did not deserve it, I have a bucket full of guns, a large trunk space and alot of free time. Call me.

[End Master]

maybe you insulted this persons elderly grandmother

Given Ves' comments in her "Is it wrong?" thread, chance are it was her elderly grandmother that made her cry.

[Vesnic]

Haha! No, End I'm afraid it wasn't my elderly grandmother who made me cry. She often has made me cry, but I've never sought revenge on her for it. It's that Catholic forgiveness thing, ya' know?

And no, I definitely did NOT deserve it yesterday. It was one of those random acts of cruelty that comes completely out of the blue and is all the worse for being totally unexpected. I was having a rare optimistic day and then...BAM! Ves locks her door and cries her big brown eyes out.

But I am thrilled to see that I have two brave knights ready to fight for my honor, one a skilled brawler trained in the dive bars of Kentucky and Colorado, the other a mysterious gunfighter willing to risk it all and compromise trunk space, all for the cause of Righteousness and Truth!

[BatCountry]

....a mysterious gunfighter willing to risk it all and compromise trunk space, all for the cause of Righteousness and Truth....


Wow...You talk a guy up like that and I'll even do your taxes, laundry and paint your fence! I'm a sucker for a damsel in distress. I shall slay this evildoer who has compromised fair and lovley Vesnic's honor! They will feel the sting of retribution, fearing the fists of holy justice I shall rain down upon their fragile putty like skulls! Excelsior!

[Vesnic]

What's wrong with the following sentence, excerpted today from MSN's Wonderwall?

But when the latter made the tricky transition from
tween queen to young adult star, she embraced a newfound rebellion -- and rebellion is an adjective nearly synonymous with the Osbourne family name.

It just never ceases to amaze me how printed, professional media just gets increasingly sloppy, how the Associated Press can no longer seem to follow the AP style, yet so many perfectly grammatically capable people out there can't seem to get work.

Is the job of copy editor now deemed redundant?

[Vesnic]

If a day ever comes when I disappear forever without so much as a whisper of explanation, then it will probably be because I killed myself.

I am getting nearer and nearer to that point where life just won't be worth it anymore. The funny thing is, I don't know exactly where that point is. But I have a feeling I'll know it when I see it, and there will be nothing to do but follow through.

This is not a "cry for help".

It is also not a joke.

It's an FYI. For your information only.

I suppose there are any number of reasons, including blunt trauma-induced amnesia, abduction by aliens, nuclear war with North Korea or the sudden onset of a terminal superiority complex...oh yes, and homicide (I mean the homicide of me, not my homicide of someone else. I could never kill a human being) that could also precipitate a sudden and mysterious disappearance.

However, none of these seem nearly as likely as the possibility of me eventually taking my own life.

Let's just hope for the sake of you authors that this event as-yet-to-be-determined-or-known does not take place before Monday. Then you would miss the chance to be savaged by the most notoriously harsh yet contributory critic in IS history.

That would suck for you. And maybe for me as well.

Just FYI.

[donteatpoop]

If you are ever feeling super down, feel free to contact me. I will do my best to listen and cheer you up, bitch. I extra heart you to the third power.

[ChubbyTeletubby]

Drugs, Ves.




That is why life can seem so.....livable.


Drugs, coupled with a severecase of 'the-world-owes-me' syndrome to justify the horrible crimes against society and less importantly - nature- that must be committed in order to obtain those drugs.

But ya. Other than that....chronic pain.....

.....lack of funds...............





.....lack of reason to live thanks to God and the horrible Univerese He gave us........







.....death.....




......sweet sleep..............










Hate to see you go, Ves. But couldn't blame you. Do me one, though.


Please let your last words be, "FUCK YOU, GOD!"






















Cause seriously. As a..........person.....who thinks........




....



fuck you god.

[End Master]

She can't commit suicide anyway, as a Catholic she'd be committing a sin and going to hell, unless the Pope recently changed the rules on that or something.

Of course an inventive sort could get around that by having someone else do it for her, like pulling a gun on a cop suddenly. She could unload it first just in case she's worried about accidently turning her suicide by cop event into a straight up cop killa situation.