I’m saving Apoth the trouble of posting stuff, but I figure I’ll respond to the comments.
Locke signed his so this one is obvious.
Comments: I always enjoy your stories. You have a knack for describing events on a grand scale while keeping the reader involved. Your insistence on sticking to what you see as Necromancer's "true path" is of course your prerogative, though I like to see all paths as "true" which would result in some slim survival prospects for your protagonist. Still, I suppose the fact that I care about his fate means you've done your job.
It's good writing. I'd like to see more "calm periods" in these stories where the character actually gets to have something of a life, possibly with the choices tying back to later events in surprising ways: it's easy in a sense to write about fighting and despair, harder to keep the reader's interest through the good times. Anyway, I like it; I look forward to the next Endmaster saga. -Locke
The one reason why it was done this is way is because of the “From Hell” scenario. I felt like the impending doom should exist. I also picked the “True Necro ending” since it’s easier to write as far as events go. I was constantly going back and forth checking to make sure I wasn’t screwing up the continuity. So I sort of had to pick one set of events and run with it, and it made more sense to me to use the true ending for it.
I DID toy with the idea with having one ending where the protagonist somehow meets the Necro’s mother and travels back in time with her (Possibly with the forest pixies) and lives, but ultimately I figured the “no escape” bit for the story worked better for the theme. Perhaps I might’ve had the one “survival ending” had I not been making the story for the contest.
Usoki just said this one is his
E:10
The exact sort of quality I expected, and a very good parallel to Necromancer. The cameo appearances were amusing, and it was nice to note that one didn't actually have to read Necromancer before this, because the plot was briefly summarized at each plot point.
P:9
It's not so much a CYOA, as a CMyOA, with punishments for anyone who tries to stray from the path you've set up, most of which only last one room. Admittedly, this makes it easier to read. And it's still awesome.
G:9
I have to say, some of the phrasing gets very awkward. There was one instance of "do, do" and Catalina's speech has a tendency to repeat words in a way that breaks the flow of an otherwise hardcore-awesome part of the whole work.
I did try to make it so you didn’t need to read one to understand the other, and it is true that it’s pretty linear (Even more than Necro) though I tried to do a fairly medium length second path which dealt more directly with the Necro’s dad (Mercenary path). I remember Xnull saying he though a “prequel” with him would be cool, but while I wasn’t doing that, I figured going a little more into his thoughts would at least make for a good addition.
Yeah, I sort of screwed up with some of the phrasing and had some typos, not sure why. I went back reread it during the voting period, and was like what the fuck, how did I miss that? I suppose I should get around to fixing some of the rooms, when I’m more motivated. Maybe next year. (This is my universal response to all typo complaints)
This one is Ves, I knew it because she said she cried, and only gurlz cry.
General Impressions: You made me cry by the end of this one, you sick, sick bastard. The unrelentingly bleak sequence of events catered very nicely to the “from Hell” theme. I also enjoyed the thoughts on the inevitability of one’s nature—this added a nice shade of fatalism to the entire story, which I think is necessary in any situation that truly spells doom. I found the lute to be a very important plot device, and certainly one that grew in importance as the story progressed. It is perhaps not the most original of counterpoints to violence and mayhem, but it rings true nonetheless.
Enjoyment: As with many of your longer stories, it took me awhile to get into the flow of Death Song. I’d suggest maybe starting this sort of story with something a bit more exciting rather than starting at neutral and easing gradually into the plotline. Not that there’s anything wrong with this; it’d just give a bit of variation to what I feel has become something of a formula for you. The story did become increasingly engrossing, and by the end I was completely hooked, almost making myself late for work once, you sick, sick bastard.
Plot/Originality: This genre has certainly been covered before, and there weren’t any new creatures to be seen. I’m also not entirely sold on the fact that you borrowed heavily from your own past work. In general, though, I felt the plot was well thought out and executed. I found some of the “letters from home” to be a bit extraneous, as they often didn’t mention anything more than was mentioned in the body of the story. I felt that the Warnov/vampire track was somewhat arbitrary and even detracted a bit from the plotline. However, there were no huge holes or loose ends left in the story, which is always satisfying, especially for a CYOA.
Writing Quality: This story was much more riddled with typographical and grammatical errors than it should have been, especially given its ambitious size and scope and your ability as a writer. I would strongly suggest that you review your rooms more carefully before submitting them. Also, despite the large size of this story, I felt it was actually a bit lacking in description. I know I have mentioned this before on one of your military-campaign-type stories. There is so much more sensory detail that you could add to really bring these things to life. I’m not saying you have to dedicate entire paragraphs to dull descriptive overload. However, it would be nice to see more “spice” sprinkled in here and there between the purely narrative aspects. How does this war smell? With so many rotting corpses and desolation everywhere, I found myself having to invent many of the sensory impressions, since these were often not alluded to by you.
I knew I was getting plot/originally points marked off since this was based on an existing story. (Originally I was going to do 5 short “From Hell” stories base on past stuff, but I got too involved with just this one)
As for the similarity of past work, well I’ve always said it’s probably always going to be that way with me. I write what “I know”. I’ve often joked that I’ve written the same story 13 times and just changed the characters and themes. Though I will say that despite reusing a “world” the protagonist was a lot different than most of the ones I do. He’s not really powerful or some anti-social loner or interested in anything grand. He basically just wants to live his life and got caught up in a bad course of events that he didn’t have any real control over.
“Letters to home” were sort of the parallel for the journal entries in Necro. I was also trying to capture the theme of the young soldier (from the “farmland”) marching off to war bit. (Not for the Merc path, since he actually gets to visit them regularly during that one and there isn’t a Zalan Empire letter carrier is go sending them) Also to give more of the feeling that's he's a normal guy as opposed to... well an anti-social loner that doesn't give a shit about much in life.
As for the sensory description, well I get bored writing overly long description sometimes. (Must come from having to read boring ass Dickins in school and I’ve been “rebelling” ever since) Usually unless something is directly relating to the protagonist in some way, I don’t bother. Like for example if the protagonist is knee deep in corpses, I’ll definitely mention how the smell is overpowering and he’s nearly ready to vomit while the brains of another zombie splatter on his blood soaked leather armor after he’s lopped the top of it’s head off. But if it’s just some soldiers fighting skeletons in the distance, well they aren’t as important to me and don’t get as much attention.
This probably goes hand in hand with the focus on dialogue and introspective thoughts and feelings of the characters rather than environment descriptions.
As for the Warnov/vampire thing, there was a purpose for that. One of the reasons was to get in another very short alternate storyline. (Becoming a vampire) and the other was to explore the vampire role a little more in the Necro world. It mainly alludes to the fact that most of the world’s “heroes” were either set up by the vampires, secretly vampires or would eventually become vampires. It also sort of explains why there weren’t any “heroes” later to save the day at last minute because the Necro kills most of them when they tried to trap him and then tracks the rest down relentlessly over the years.
To be continued, due to the crappy word limit per post...
Locke signed his so this one is obvious.
Comments: I always enjoy your stories. You have a knack for describing events on a grand scale while keeping the reader involved. Your insistence on sticking to what you see as Necromancer's "true path" is of course your prerogative, though I like to see all paths as "true" which would result in some slim survival prospects for your protagonist. Still, I suppose the fact that I care about his fate means you've done your job.
It's good writing. I'd like to see more "calm periods" in these stories where the character actually gets to have something of a life, possibly with the choices tying back to later events in surprising ways: it's easy in a sense to write about fighting and despair, harder to keep the reader's interest through the good times. Anyway, I like it; I look forward to the next Endmaster saga. -Locke
The one reason why it was done this is way is because of the “From Hell” scenario. I felt like the impending doom should exist. I also picked the “True Necro ending” since it’s easier to write as far as events go. I was constantly going back and forth checking to make sure I wasn’t screwing up the continuity. So I sort of had to pick one set of events and run with it, and it made more sense to me to use the true ending for it.
I DID toy with the idea with having one ending where the protagonist somehow meets the Necro’s mother and travels back in time with her (Possibly with the forest pixies) and lives, but ultimately I figured the “no escape” bit for the story worked better for the theme. Perhaps I might’ve had the one “survival ending” had I not been making the story for the contest.
Usoki just said this one is his
E:10
The exact sort of quality I expected, and a very good parallel to Necromancer. The cameo appearances were amusing, and it was nice to note that one didn't actually have to read Necromancer before this, because the plot was briefly summarized at each plot point.
P:9
It's not so much a CYOA, as a CMyOA, with punishments for anyone who tries to stray from the path you've set up, most of which only last one room. Admittedly, this makes it easier to read. And it's still awesome.
G:9
I have to say, some of the phrasing gets very awkward. There was one instance of "do, do" and Catalina's speech has a tendency to repeat words in a way that breaks the flow of an otherwise hardcore-awesome part of the whole work.
I did try to make it so you didn’t need to read one to understand the other, and it is true that it’s pretty linear (Even more than Necro) though I tried to do a fairly medium length second path which dealt more directly with the Necro’s dad (Mercenary path). I remember Xnull saying he though a “prequel” with him would be cool, but while I wasn’t doing that, I figured going a little more into his thoughts would at least make for a good addition.
Yeah, I sort of screwed up with some of the phrasing and had some typos, not sure why. I went back reread it during the voting period, and was like what the fuck, how did I miss that? I suppose I should get around to fixing some of the rooms, when I’m more motivated. Maybe next year. (This is my universal response to all typo complaints)
This one is Ves, I knew it because she said she cried, and only gurlz cry.
General Impressions: You made me cry by the end of this one, you sick, sick bastard. The unrelentingly bleak sequence of events catered very nicely to the “from Hell” theme. I also enjoyed the thoughts on the inevitability of one’s nature—this added a nice shade of fatalism to the entire story, which I think is necessary in any situation that truly spells doom. I found the lute to be a very important plot device, and certainly one that grew in importance as the story progressed. It is perhaps not the most original of counterpoints to violence and mayhem, but it rings true nonetheless.
Enjoyment: As with many of your longer stories, it took me awhile to get into the flow of Death Song. I’d suggest maybe starting this sort of story with something a bit more exciting rather than starting at neutral and easing gradually into the plotline. Not that there’s anything wrong with this; it’d just give a bit of variation to what I feel has become something of a formula for you. The story did become increasingly engrossing, and by the end I was completely hooked, almost making myself late for work once, you sick, sick bastard.
Plot/Originality: This genre has certainly been covered before, and there weren’t any new creatures to be seen. I’m also not entirely sold on the fact that you borrowed heavily from your own past work. In general, though, I felt the plot was well thought out and executed. I found some of the “letters from home” to be a bit extraneous, as they often didn’t mention anything more than was mentioned in the body of the story. I felt that the Warnov/vampire track was somewhat arbitrary and even detracted a bit from the plotline. However, there were no huge holes or loose ends left in the story, which is always satisfying, especially for a CYOA.
Writing Quality: This story was much more riddled with typographical and grammatical errors than it should have been, especially given its ambitious size and scope and your ability as a writer. I would strongly suggest that you review your rooms more carefully before submitting them. Also, despite the large size of this story, I felt it was actually a bit lacking in description. I know I have mentioned this before on one of your military-campaign-type stories. There is so much more sensory detail that you could add to really bring these things to life. I’m not saying you have to dedicate entire paragraphs to dull descriptive overload. However, it would be nice to see more “spice” sprinkled in here and there between the purely narrative aspects. How does this war smell? With so many rotting corpses and desolation everywhere, I found myself having to invent many of the sensory impressions, since these were often not alluded to by you.
I knew I was getting plot/originally points marked off since this was based on an existing story. (Originally I was going to do 5 short “From Hell” stories base on past stuff, but I got too involved with just this one)
As for the similarity of past work, well I’ve always said it’s probably always going to be that way with me. I write what “I know”. I’ve often joked that I’ve written the same story 13 times and just changed the characters and themes. Though I will say that despite reusing a “world” the protagonist was a lot different than most of the ones I do. He’s not really powerful or some anti-social loner or interested in anything grand. He basically just wants to live his life and got caught up in a bad course of events that he didn’t have any real control over.
“Letters to home” were sort of the parallel for the journal entries in Necro. I was also trying to capture the theme of the young soldier (from the “farmland”) marching off to war bit. (Not for the Merc path, since he actually gets to visit them regularly during that one and there isn’t a Zalan Empire letter carrier is go sending them) Also to give more of the feeling that's he's a normal guy as opposed to... well an anti-social loner that doesn't give a shit about much in life.
As for the sensory description, well I get bored writing overly long description sometimes. (Must come from having to read boring ass Dickins in school and I’ve been “rebelling” ever since) Usually unless something is directly relating to the protagonist in some way, I don’t bother. Like for example if the protagonist is knee deep in corpses, I’ll definitely mention how the smell is overpowering and he’s nearly ready to vomit while the brains of another zombie splatter on his blood soaked leather armor after he’s lopped the top of it’s head off. But if it’s just some soldiers fighting skeletons in the distance, well they aren’t as important to me and don’t get as much attention.
This probably goes hand in hand with the focus on dialogue and introspective thoughts and feelings of the characters rather than environment descriptions.
As for the Warnov/vampire thing, there was a purpose for that. One of the reasons was to get in another very short alternate storyline. (Becoming a vampire) and the other was to explore the vampire role a little more in the Necro world. It mainly alludes to the fact that most of the world’s “heroes” were either set up by the vampires, secretly vampires or would eventually become vampires. It also sort of explains why there weren’t any “heroes” later to save the day at last minute because the Necro kills most of them when they tried to trap him and then tracks the rest down relentlessly over the years.
To be continued, due to the crappy word limit per post...
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