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  • Death Song Comments

    I’m saving Apoth the trouble of posting stuff, but I figure I’ll respond to the comments.

    Locke signed his so this one is obvious.

    Comments: I always enjoy your stories. You have a knack for describing events on a grand scale while keeping the reader involved. Your insistence on sticking to what you see as Necromancer's "true path" is of course your prerogative, though I like to see all paths as "true" which would result in some slim survival prospects for your protagonist. Still, I suppose the fact that I care about his fate means you've done your job.

    It's good writing. I'd like to see more "calm periods" in these stories where the character actually gets to have something of a life, possibly with the choices tying back to later events in surprising ways: it's easy in a sense to write about fighting and despair, harder to keep the reader's interest through the good times. Anyway, I like it; I look forward to the next Endmaster saga. -Locke


    The one reason why it was done this is way is because of the “From Hell” scenario. I felt like the impending doom should exist. I also picked the “True Necro ending” since it’s easier to write as far as events go. I was constantly going back and forth checking to make sure I wasn’t screwing up the continuity. So I sort of had to pick one set of events and run with it, and it made more sense to me to use the true ending for it.

    I DID toy with the idea with having one ending where the protagonist somehow meets the Necro’s mother and travels back in time with her (Possibly with the forest pixies) and lives, but ultimately I figured the “no escape” bit for the story worked better for the theme. Perhaps I might’ve had the one “survival ending” had I not been making the story for the contest.

    Usoki just said this one is his

    E:10
    The exact sort of quality I expected, and a very good parallel to Necromancer. The cameo appearances were amusing, and it was nice to note that one didn't actually have to read Necromancer before this, because the plot was briefly summarized at each plot point.
    P:9
    It's not so much a CYOA, as a CMyOA, with punishments for anyone who tries to stray from the path you've set up, most of which only last one room. Admittedly, this makes it easier to read. And it's still awesome.
    G:9
    I have to say, some of the phrasing gets very awkward. There was one instance of "do, do" and Catalina's speech has a tendency to repeat words in a way that breaks the flow of an otherwise hardcore-awesome part of the whole work.


    I did try to make it so you didn’t need to read one to understand the other, and it is true that it’s pretty linear (Even more than Necro) though I tried to do a fairly medium length second path which dealt more directly with the Necro’s dad (Mercenary path). I remember Xnull saying he though a “prequel” with him would be cool, but while I wasn’t doing that, I figured going a little more into his thoughts would at least make for a good addition.

    Yeah, I sort of screwed up with some of the phrasing and had some typos, not sure why. I went back reread it during the voting period, and was like what the fuck, how did I miss that? I suppose I should get around to fixing some of the rooms, when I’m more motivated. Maybe next year. (This is my universal response to all typo complaints)

    This one is Ves, I knew it because she said she cried, and only gurlz cry.

    General Impressions: You made me cry by the end of this one, you sick, sick bastard. The unrelentingly bleak sequence of events catered very nicely to the “from Hell” theme. I also enjoyed the thoughts on the inevitability of one’s nature—this added a nice shade of fatalism to the entire story, which I think is necessary in any situation that truly spells doom. I found the lute to be a very important plot device, and certainly one that grew in importance as the story progressed. It is perhaps not the most original of counterpoints to violence and mayhem, but it rings true nonetheless.

    Enjoyment: As with many of your longer stories, it took me awhile to get into the flow of Death Song. I’d suggest maybe starting this sort of story with something a bit more exciting rather than starting at neutral and easing gradually into the plotline. Not that there’s anything wrong with this; it’d just give a bit of variation to what I feel has become something of a formula for you. The story did become increasingly engrossing, and by the end I was completely hooked, almost making myself late for work once, you sick, sick bastard.

    Plot/Originality: This genre has certainly been covered before, and there weren’t any new creatures to be seen. I’m also not entirely sold on the fact that you borrowed heavily from your own past work. In general, though, I felt the plot was well thought out and executed. I found some of the “letters from home” to be a bit extraneous, as they often didn’t mention anything more than was mentioned in the body of the story. I felt that the Warnov/vampire track was somewhat arbitrary and even detracted a bit from the plotline. However, there were no huge holes or loose ends left in the story, which is always satisfying, especially for a CYOA.

    Writing Quality: This story was much more riddled with typographical and grammatical errors than it should have been, especially given its ambitious size and scope and your ability as a writer. I would strongly suggest that you review your rooms more carefully before submitting them. Also, despite the large size of this story, I felt it was actually a bit lacking in description. I know I have mentioned this before on one of your military-campaign-type stories. There is so much more sensory detail that you could add to really bring these things to life. I’m not saying you have to dedicate entire paragraphs to dull descriptive overload. However, it would be nice to see more “spice” sprinkled in here and there between the purely narrative aspects. How does this war smell? With so many rotting corpses and desolation everywhere, I found myself having to invent many of the sensory impressions, since these were often not alluded to by you.


    I knew I was getting plot/originally points marked off since this was based on an existing story. (Originally I was going to do 5 short “From Hell” stories base on past stuff, but I got too involved with just this one)

    As for the similarity of past work, well I’ve always said it’s probably always going to be that way with me. I write what “I know”. I’ve often joked that I’ve written the same story 13 times and just changed the characters and themes. Though I will say that despite reusing a “world” the protagonist was a lot different than most of the ones I do. He’s not really powerful or some anti-social loner or interested in anything grand. He basically just wants to live his life and got caught up in a bad course of events that he didn’t have any real control over.

    “Letters to home” were sort of the parallel for the journal entries in Necro. I was also trying to capture the theme of the young soldier (from the “farmland”) marching off to war bit. (Not for the Merc path, since he actually gets to visit them regularly during that one and there isn’t a Zalan Empire letter carrier is go sending them) Also to give more of the feeling that's he's a normal guy as opposed to... well an anti-social loner that doesn't give a shit about much in life.

    As for the sensory description, well I get bored writing overly long description sometimes. (Must come from having to read boring ass Dickins in school and I’ve been “rebelling” ever since) Usually unless something is directly relating to the protagonist in some way, I don’t bother. Like for example if the protagonist is knee deep in corpses, I’ll definitely mention how the smell is overpowering and he’s nearly ready to vomit while the brains of another zombie splatter on his blood soaked leather armor after he’s lopped the top of it’s head off. But if it’s just some soldiers fighting skeletons in the distance, well they aren’t as important to me and don’t get as much attention.

    This probably goes hand in hand with the focus on dialogue and introspective thoughts and feelings of the characters rather than environment descriptions.

    As for the Warnov/vampire thing, there was a purpose for that. One of the reasons was to get in another very short alternate storyline. (Becoming a vampire) and the other was to explore the vampire role a little more in the Necro world. It mainly alludes to the fact that most of the world’s “heroes” were either set up by the vampires, secretly vampires or would eventually become vampires. It also sort of explains why there weren’t any “heroes” later to save the day at last minute because the Necro kills most of them when they tried to trap him and then tracks the rest down relentlessly over the years.

    To be continued, due to the crappy word limit per post...
    Last edited by End Master; 12-04-2007, 10:50 AM.
    Writing: It's more fun than a barrel of Ebola ridden monkeys!

  • #2
    Continued…

    This one is gotta be DEP

    This is another great story from EndMaster, who we've all come to expect great stories from. This is a nice sequel to Necromancer, and I actually prefer this. The interactions with characters, as always, were excellent. I think I read every room in this story with the exception of a few letters.

    The letters were a great aspect of the story, they added a bit to the narration of the story even though they didn't play a major role.

    There were a ton of typos throughout this story, some of which drew me out of the reading mindset.

    The only other negative thing I can say about the story is tha lack of description. EndMaster does a great job establishing rich character details but, at least in this story, lost touch with physical descriptions. I think there is a pretty much universal acceptance of what dwarves look like (thanks to Tolkien, no doubt), but demons are a different story. Dark shadows are often used to represent them, other times they look almost human, and still other times they appear almost monstrous. As a mercenary, the demons are described as "insect-like", which gives some clues, but really doesn't paint a picture. On the army branch, after escaping the siege, the reader encounters two demons who have destroyed a farm. There is no description of them other than that they are demons, and that they bleed. I was left wondering what these demons looked like.

    ... oh, and it made me laugh when abandoning the army, to have married a Hafling woman. I guess she's at the right hieght, though... All she needs is a flat head to set your mug of ale on while she sucks your dick.


    Lack of description again, but this is a slightly different complaint. Again, I get bored writing exactly what something looks like, and if it isn’t really directly important to the story I don’t bother. The demons are basically there to either be killed or kill the protagonist. It doesn’t really matter what they look like. I suppose if something or someone is “important” enough I’ll make a few mentions of their looks, but mostly I want to get on with the storyline. (And as you said, the demons are pretty varied in looks anyway so I didn’t feel like bogging the storyline down with writing several different descriptions of them, though I guess I could've made it clear that most of them were looking like the typical "red skinned and horned" variety) Also I figure if you’ve got a good enough imagination you’ll make up something better in your head than what I’m describing anyway.

    Xnull just confirmed that this one was his

    I remember thinking I wanted to hear a side-story right after I read Necromancer. I guess I was wrong. While I love the world that End Master created, this just felt like it was filled with gaping holes. The "you do this for 4 years" worked in Necromancer, but this story, it took everything away. I really wanted to know more about this insignificant underling.

    The writing is wonderful. The sentences are well-formed and convey exactly what they are meant to.


    No point in writing 4 years of his everyday mundane army life in great detail of fighting demons or zombies. That would be redundant and boring. Well it would be redundant and boring for me to write it anyway so I didn’t.

    Plus it pretty much had to have the same “flow” as Necro to work. I only describe certain key turning events in Necro after so many years pass, so the protagonist for Death Song had to be “reacting” to what was going on.

    Besides you got to know all the important bits of the protagonist. He’s not much more complex than what I addressed in the story. He’s a normal guy joined the army to help support his family who he obviously cared a lot about. He stays alive for a long time mainly due to luck and his sense of survival and has to see everyone and everything steadily die around him. He’s pretty troubled about all of the shit that’s going on to and around him because all he really ever wanted to do was play music because he’s got a gift for it. He somehow still manages to find some sort of inner peace when he’s able to, through that same music. Then he eventually dies tragically. The End!
    Last edited by End Master; 12-04-2007, 11:18 AM.
    Writing: It's more fun than a barrel of Ebola ridden monkeys!

    Comment


    • #3
      You are right about which comments are mine, but I think you misinterpreted who some of the others were. Being a true blue gurl, I don't mind admitting that I cry.

      Just a little clarification on description: I'm sorry you had to suffer through endless Dickens. It seems to have truly traumatized you. However, I'm a full believer that description does not have to be overbearing and literal to be very effective. You don't have to say, "The demon's eyes were charcoal black and wide set under two sharp red horns that crowned his towering figure". For example, in my story, I described Iad as smelling like "deep-fried turpentine" rather than saying, "Iad smells really bad and putrid". This was a more colorful, and, I hope, ultimately more effective choice for descriptive language. In either case, though, I felt that some sort of olfactory description was necessary to really bring the place to life.

      Still, I'm glad that there are lots of different writing styles on this site. It would be a little boring if we all wrote the same way.
      My sanity, my soul, or my life.

      Comment


      • #4
        You might be right, DEP's and Apoth's might be switched around. (Still hazy on the Xnull/Usoki one)

        DEP's the only other one I can think of that would've made the Halfling comment and he did say he preferred this one over Necro. Oh well, I'm sure they'll clarify later.

        EDIT: Wasn't just Dickens really, I just sort of use him as the whipping boy.

        The stuff they made me read in school in general was just incredibly boring to me for the most part, and I really hated to slog through it, so it might be why I tend to write stuff the way I would find interesting.

        There's also a tendency with me to just take for granted that everyone's going to think the same way I do with the way things look. Like the demons for example, I know what they look like because I got the image in my mind of what's going on as I'm writing, so I figure everyone else is going to "see" the same thing so that's another factor which leads to me not bothering.

        But I'll try to make the next story have more description though.
        Last edited by End Master; 12-04-2007, 07:46 AM.
        Writing: It's more fun than a barrel of Ebola ridden monkeys!

        Comment


        • #5
          Actually, the one you think is DEP's is mine. How does that throw everything around?
          Originally posted by Ryan_DuBois
          Usoki, you're the crankiest asshole we know. Not that it's a bad thing, it just means that you smell funny and are best left hidden in darkness.
          And it's embarrassing when you make any noise at all.

          Comment


          • #6
            The one after Locke's?
            Writing: It's more fun than a barrel of Ebola ridden monkeys!

            Comment


            • #7
              You are correct about mine. Reading again, it seems harsh, but I know those were my feelings after I read the story so I will not retract them. I had more things I was going to say, but a few home-life elements combined and I never got around to it (and then forgot). Good job on the completion (something I was unable/unwilling to do).

              I very much liked reading the comments from the other readers. Anyone else willing to open up their story's responses and reply to them as End Master did?
              http://forums.infinite-story.com/pro...st=ignore&u=36

              "The Secret" was right. You were thinking about adding Megaman to your ignore list. And it almost came true! The universe sends you this hyperlink to make your job a lot easier. Click it now.

              Comment


              • #8
                Nah, I don't think they were harsh at all. Not compared to comments I've gotten in the past by other people for other things.

                Yeah, don't retract anything, that's how you felt, so that's how you felt. I was just responding to everyone and stating the reasons for what I did and why I did it that way.
                Writing: It's more fun than a barrel of Ebola ridden monkeys!

                Comment


                • #9
                  End, that last one was also Xnull's. The one that you attributed to me.

                  I didn't write any comments because I'm just to BA for them.


                  But, if you must know, your story was my favorite because I loved necromancer so much. While I feel that necromancer was a bit more polished, I thought death song was an excellent story. The one I enjoyed the most while reading.
                  Click it now.

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Ah, I see. Fixed.

                    Should have everyone in their correct places now.
                    Writing: It's more fun than a barrel of Ebola ridden monkeys!

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Yeah, that halfling with the flat head idea is still turning me on. That was me. I still think some small detail on the demons would have been useful, especially since you used a few different types of them.

                      Still though, awesome story.
                      The organ is grinding but the monkey won't dance.

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Personally, I liked the mini-vampire branch. It gave an apparently much-needed insight into their culture. Personally, I had invisioned them to be more like a ninja-clan than a court society filled with lavish decadence. And, I suppose it sorta explains why there's no character with equal God-mod abilities to counter his God-modded Necromancy powers.

                        The only worthwhile thing to be pulled out of the letters was his encounters with that merchant. I found those to be awesome- the others were indeed pointless.

                        And, I have to say, Big Red's cameo seemed to be awkwardly placed, pointless, and the end after accepting the deal was outright ridiculous.
                        Originally posted by Ryan_DuBois
                        Usoki, you're the crankiest asshole we know. Not that it's a bad thing, it just means that you smell funny and are best left hidden in darkness.
                        And it's embarrassing when you make any noise at all.

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Some of the vamps were ninja like, but most of them were decadent. The field agents and “heroes” were more of the ninjas types. Had they all been more like that, they might’ve put up a better resistance.
                          Writing: It's more fun than a barrel of Ebola ridden monkeys!

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