Hellstone Comments

[Usoki]

Xnull has a good point- these things are fun.

Your approach to the story was innovative, revealing the plot and adding twists via the different characters' perspectives (as your Rentyre series does, to an extent); it really utilizes the Infinite Story format well. The quality of your writing continues to improve. I suppose my only complaints are that the story was a little TOO incomplete and confusing if you only read through one branch (especially Will's point of view). You can add your twists and still keep the individual paths transitioning well and feeling "complete" on their own. The story was also quite short, though I recall something about your starting in on it with little time to spare. Pretty good, overall.

If I were to pick one thing I DO like about this piece, it's the fact that each plot point is held until the character knows it for a fact. Heck, most of the characters are never able to connect the magic shop character as Serisun, simply because she never drops her name. Annoying from a writing standpoint, since it means she has to be referred to with pronouns or long descriptive noun chains instead of her name- but it does add an awesome element to the story.

Will's point of view is easily the most shaky, and is the most likely to change drastically as I get around to writing it. But I'll be finishing Gabe's first, and then Trevor's, and so by the time I reach Will, I'll know exactly what I want to contain in that branch.

This story would have been much more competitive with the others if it had been more developed and less linear. First of all, the actual quality of your writing is very good. There were only one or two grammatical errors to be found, and you have a command of language that is superior to many others on this site. You also have a unique style, utilizing narrative shifts and unconventional description, both of which add to the overall quality of your writing. However, I felt that the beginning of this story was almost a little too convoluted and confusing. It may scare readers away before they allow themselves to really see that the story is worth reading. I also have some gripes about the plot itself. Maybe I’m just an unimaginative muggle, but I found the premise excessively difficult to follow. I also found it hard to believe that a couple of frat boys would have any inkling whatsoever about the magical properties of the Hellstone. It was also left rather unclear what each character’s motivation was. I realize that what is being judged here is really just the beginnings of your story, and I encourage you to embellish it, make it a bit more comprehensible, and ultimately finish it. I see a lot of potential in Hellstone, but it’s got a ways to go yet.

The thing about the beginning is- I wanted it to be confusing as hell. I wanted the reader to be so confused about the magic that they shrug off the events of the prologue once they're deemed unimportant to the story. And then, later, when the reader becomes informed about the stone's magic, they can go back through and understand it perfectly. It's also a nice room boost- I knew coming into this that I was taking a short story and stretching it for more than it was worth.

And, someday, I'll be able to tone down the frat-ness of those chars. Because, damn- they're so one sided I get paper cuts when I read about them.

Pretty linear, and obviously one branch was favored over the rest, but it was still well written.

Well, I wanted to get Gabe's branch first, since it's the main one. It's a lot easier to tweak the two lesser branches to match the first than it is to try and weave the main branch through the gaps the lesser branches need filled. The problem is, Gabe is such a depressing failure that he's really, really hard to write for. I needed a character whose life was so horridly awful that he wouldn't mind getting his life thrown upside-down. He's one of my first melancholy protagonists, and I simply have no inspiration to write for him. It's a forced labor, and I think that shows.

[Usoki]

Hellstone was very well written (the parts that were written, anyway). I found the story very engaging, but this thing was so linear that I can't even call it linear. It was a novel or short story. A very good novel or short story, mind you; and one that I would buy, but not an interactive piece of fiction. The only choice in the story was almost like an index where I could skip to a different chapter.

I did enjoy how the seperate characters' stories were intertwined; that was a nice touch. If this weren't the 20 millionth body-switching story that Usoki wrote, I'd have called this an fairly original idea.

Yes, I intertwined the accounts of each character in exchange for interactivity. It's the only way to insure an intertwinement. And it was by no means an even exchange. But I knew that trying to add interaction would just send me smashing through several brick walls. So, I added the intertwinement so that it at least the story had some gimmick to it.

And, God damn- I do write a ton of those up here. The problem is that most of my story ideas are just very linear, or personal enough that I am keeping them off the web so that I can publish them later. So by the time I find something to use, it's one of my throwaway ideas or my daydreams. Hence, Rentyre. And all of the fall-out ideas from Rentyre that can't be used end up in other places. Hence, Hellstone. Hopefully I'll get motivation to work on DEP's Fantasy next- that IS interactive.

This was boring and offered no real choice. The world didn't seem real and the writing was weak. Sorry Usoki, I didn't enjoy this one.

No arguements here. I hate this story. Mostly, I hated writing Gabe's branch, and so by now I'm sick of it...but man, I hate this story. I knew coming into it that it would be linear. And from the characters you can see, they're all very...shallow. I wouldn't say the writing is weak...but it's a shallow and unintertaining world. If you don't buy into how shiny the gimmick is, you'll hate it. Even then, it's a bit shaky.

In all honestly, the only reason I contributed this to the contest is I liked how, upon voting, it would force people to give me feedback. I feel bad for making you all have to read this piece of crap...but after Apoth submitted his joke, I didn't feel quite as guilty.