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Since clearly this is how the comments per story thing is being handled now...
I absolutely agree with you. And I intend on adding a ton of details to the story as I work on it. Keep in mind that she is a serial killer, not an assassin; no one is paying her - she is a fucking nut job. The park is going to be a bit of a dumping grounds for the main character and I had played with the idea of a dream sequence in which the park was riddled with reanimated corpses; the victims she stashed back from the dead and hungry for vengence.
The fonts idea for the "others" is nothing short of brilliant. I will be incorporating that when I get back to work on this story. As for Youngstown being a ghost town, the park is mentioned in only one branch (so far), the abandoned factories and projects are also mentioned if you took another path with that particular murder. Part of the issue with Youngstown itself not being fully developed in the story, and the interaction with the "others" not being completely developed, is that this story is still very much in its infancy. I started late and have a lot of work to do; tons of editing in details and background information ahead of me. These are by no means excuses, I'm just saying that it wasn't anywhere near finished when I entered it. (stupid deadline).
[quote]VesIn my opinion, yours was the best-written of all the stories that I rated. Occasional spelling and grammar errors aside, the quality of your writing has greatly improved from some of your earlier stories. Your descriptive language is evocative without being overbearing, and you really set the mood of gloom very well. It was also refreshing to see a psychologically complex protagonist. The Youngstown Demon may be profoundly disturbed, yet I found myself quietly cheering for her. The story brought up interesting questions of how much we become the product of our environment and how morality seems to become relative and dependant on circumstance. I am very curious to see how the story will develop. I want to know more about “the others”, about Val’s personal history, and see how the plot will inevitably thicken, as it has already begun to in the option where the children see her murder a man. The only reason I have lowered your score for plot and originality is because of the story’s lack of development, not for any flaw. I strongly encourage you to prioritize work on this story before any others. I wish that you had been able to work more extensively before the deadline, but the considerable potential of this story will ultimately be the better judge of its value. [quote]
Thanks. I got a ton of work ahead of me though, this thing is going to be massive.
Yeah, that's what happens when I start working on something like this at the last minute. This will be more fully developed in the weeks and months to come.
Any idea which sentences were unclear? I know I made some sentences that were purposely vague and/or strange (since the anti-protagonist is clearly insane), but if it's not one of those I need to fix it. Ah well, don't waste your time looking for it if nothing comes to mind off-hand; I plan on editing and reworking this story in the forseeable future anyway.
Thanks everyone. This story will be quite large by the time it's finished... You know, assuming I ever get around to finishing it.
Locke
Comments: Your choice to cloak the story in the ambience of Youngstown from the very beginning is a good one. It'd be nice to see that expanded some, to see the character interacting more with the city before any action or thoughts of action begin, and to see the city's falling apart as a theme that colors the story more strongly throughout. The assassin storyline seems a bit overdone these days, even with God in the character's mind (though it'd help if you really expanded on the "holy messenger" theme). It's well-enough written, though I prefer the emotional ties of some of your others, like "Brothers." –Locke
Comments: Your choice to cloak the story in the ambience of Youngstown from the very beginning is a good one. It'd be nice to see that expanded some, to see the character interacting more with the city before any action or thoughts of action begin, and to see the city's falling apart as a theme that colors the story more strongly throughout. The assassin storyline seems a bit overdone these days, even with God in the character's mind (though it'd help if you really expanded on the "holy messenger" theme). It's well-enough written, though I prefer the emotional ties of some of your others, like "Brothers." –Locke
Usucky?
E:7
Not quite as unsettling as I had thought, once I figured out the protagonist's hobby. The psych aspect of it is interesting, and perhaps underplayed? Maybe not...too much of it would ruin this work. I kinda like the summary of the ass-father, though. "blahblahblah", "blahblahblahfuckyou"
P:6
For all the tone that is set in the first room, not much of it is mentioned in the rest of the story. Heck, the park only appears in one small branch. And you'd never know Youngstown is a ghost town based on what the protagonist encounters.
G:9
No complaints, other than a "you're/your" error which jolted out of the page and made me weep for humanity for a few minutes. On an unrelated note- what the hell was up with the font? For a moment, I thought the demons and the humans would have a different type face, but...apparently not.
E:7
Not quite as unsettling as I had thought, once I figured out the protagonist's hobby. The psych aspect of it is interesting, and perhaps underplayed? Maybe not...too much of it would ruin this work. I kinda like the summary of the ass-father, though. "blahblahblah", "blahblahblahfuckyou"
P:6
For all the tone that is set in the first room, not much of it is mentioned in the rest of the story. Heck, the park only appears in one small branch. And you'd never know Youngstown is a ghost town based on what the protagonist encounters.
G:9
No complaints, other than a "you're/your" error which jolted out of the page and made me weep for humanity for a few minutes. On an unrelated note- what the hell was up with the font? For a moment, I thought the demons and the humans would have a different type face, but...apparently not.
[quote]VesIn my opinion, yours was the best-written of all the stories that I rated. Occasional spelling and grammar errors aside, the quality of your writing has greatly improved from some of your earlier stories. Your descriptive language is evocative without being overbearing, and you really set the mood of gloom very well. It was also refreshing to see a psychologically complex protagonist. The Youngstown Demon may be profoundly disturbed, yet I found myself quietly cheering for her. The story brought up interesting questions of how much we become the product of our environment and how morality seems to become relative and dependant on circumstance. I am very curious to see how the story will develop. I want to know more about “the others”, about Val’s personal history, and see how the plot will inevitably thicken, as it has already begun to in the option where the children see her murder a man. The only reason I have lowered your score for plot and originality is because of the story’s lack of development, not for any flaw. I strongly encourage you to prioritize work on this story before any others. I wish that you had been able to work more extensively before the deadline, but the considerable potential of this story will ultimately be the better judge of its value. [quote]
Thanks. I got a ton of work ahead of me though, this thing is going to be massive.
End?Cool story about a female serial killer. Always seemed to “end” just as it was starting to get going though.
xnull?I wished there were more. I got chills during the dream sequence (I wasn't even reading it that deeply). This was fresh and I reloaded the updating image of the town over and over. I want to know what happens to the Youngtowns Demon.
The only complaint I have aside from the story being incomplete (which is understandable) is the writing style. There were many moments where I felt sentences should have been edited for clarity or for flow.
One last comment: the amount of detail was impeccable. Not too much, not too little.
The only complaint I have aside from the story being incomplete (which is understandable) is the writing style. There were many moments where I felt sentences should have been edited for clarity or for flow.
One last comment: the amount of detail was impeccable. Not too much, not too little.
Thanks everyone. This story will be quite large by the time it's finished... You know, assuming I ever get around to finishing it.
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