Ok, I'm giving in to peer pressure. It seems like everyone else is in favor of this shameless exhibitionism, so here I go skinny dipping into the ole' swimmin' hole.
You always surprise me. I wasn't expecting excellence due to your forum persona and certain other writings, but you're quite capable. I gave you perfect 10s in Plot and Writing Quality, and a 7 in Enjoyment: you and I are something like opposites in ideals, values and tastes, I think, though I do respect your writing ability. I actually stopped reading your story on the first page and then reviewed all the others before coming back to it; your "creation myth" turned me off.
That aspect of your writing always gets to me; the baser aspects of humanity are ever-present, and they often seem to take the form of bathroom humor, or just the discussion of bodily functions for seemingly no reason. Lad, as I'm sure you intended, is a rather bleak and depressing place, and you can't escape it. I suppose I'm an idealist in some ways, and my enjoyment in these sorts of stories comes from improving things, or at least bettering the protagonist's lot in life. I realize why you have all paths leading to similarly bleak outcomes; it's just not my taste.
That said, it's probably the best-written of the stories in this year's contest. The repetition of things like custia and the descriptions you provided of various aspects of lad really brought the place alive (as much as a country like that with people like those can be alive, anyway). I don't know if it's something you even want to do, but if you really sat down and tried, writing like this could make a good novel. None of this is condescension; these are my honest thoughts and honest praise.
First of all, I'd really like to thank Locke for articulating such a thorough response to my story. With regards to my rather liberal use of vulgarity and "toilet humor", I am a proponent of the idea that these things can be used to enhance a story, even a very serious one. They also form the much-needed comic relief when dealing with a setting as bleak and hopeless as Iad. We certainly have differing opinions as to where this sort of thing is really useful. My way of thinking for this particular story was that I wanted to in part adopt the mindset and narrative style of the actual Iadian, not just of a disconnected observer who somehow wields power over an even more amorphous "you". One of the main characteristics of the typical Iadian is that he or she devalues Iad to an extreme. What better then to represent the ultimate in devaluation than a steaming pile of shit? As for expanding the story, I do plan on finishing it. I doubt it will ever reach novel length because I doubt I have the stamina for it. This was and is an intensely personal story to write and each page really drains the life out of me. However, this is wonderful motivation to at least finish it to its logical conclusion in the CYOA format.
E:10
This story is very, very depressing. Certain parts, particularly the male's University issues, strike home to me and make me weep for my future. But I can't deduct- that's what you were trying for. You win.
P:7
The day in the life approach, while affective, makes me wonder how the protagonist could have possibly lived past toddlerhood. Or how they haven't yet learned their lesson with public transportation.
G:10
Nothing glaring- no complaints. On a side note, the site's inability to distinguish capital "i"s and lowercase "l"s made me think you had commited a horrid error in your Country's name, before I figured it out after five repetitions.
You'd be amazed what people can live through. Almost every single event in this story is based either on first-hand experience or on a direct secondary account. I find that in Iad, people often choose not to learn a lesson like how to deal with the ticket control because this is one of the only truly effective forms of resistance. Remember, the "system" is broken so people are mostly left to their own devices to fight against it. There is also something of a self-destructive impulse that guides many Iadians' actions. And yes, the word is "Iad" with an uppercase "i". It sounds like "yod". It rhymes with "pod" and "God".
A lot of effort was put into this, and there aren’t any “filler” or “short” rooms which is a plus.
Thanks, buddy. Don't knock yourself out.
You always surprise me. I wasn't expecting excellence due to your forum persona and certain other writings, but you're quite capable. I gave you perfect 10s in Plot and Writing Quality, and a 7 in Enjoyment: you and I are something like opposites in ideals, values and tastes, I think, though I do respect your writing ability. I actually stopped reading your story on the first page and then reviewed all the others before coming back to it; your "creation myth" turned me off.
That aspect of your writing always gets to me; the baser aspects of humanity are ever-present, and they often seem to take the form of bathroom humor, or just the discussion of bodily functions for seemingly no reason. Lad, as I'm sure you intended, is a rather bleak and depressing place, and you can't escape it. I suppose I'm an idealist in some ways, and my enjoyment in these sorts of stories comes from improving things, or at least bettering the protagonist's lot in life. I realize why you have all paths leading to similarly bleak outcomes; it's just not my taste.
That said, it's probably the best-written of the stories in this year's contest. The repetition of things like custia and the descriptions you provided of various aspects of lad really brought the place alive (as much as a country like that with people like those can be alive, anyway). I don't know if it's something you even want to do, but if you really sat down and tried, writing like this could make a good novel. None of this is condescension; these are my honest thoughts and honest praise.
First of all, I'd really like to thank Locke for articulating such a thorough response to my story. With regards to my rather liberal use of vulgarity and "toilet humor", I am a proponent of the idea that these things can be used to enhance a story, even a very serious one. They also form the much-needed comic relief when dealing with a setting as bleak and hopeless as Iad. We certainly have differing opinions as to where this sort of thing is really useful. My way of thinking for this particular story was that I wanted to in part adopt the mindset and narrative style of the actual Iadian, not just of a disconnected observer who somehow wields power over an even more amorphous "you". One of the main characteristics of the typical Iadian is that he or she devalues Iad to an extreme. What better then to represent the ultimate in devaluation than a steaming pile of shit? As for expanding the story, I do plan on finishing it. I doubt it will ever reach novel length because I doubt I have the stamina for it. This was and is an intensely personal story to write and each page really drains the life out of me. However, this is wonderful motivation to at least finish it to its logical conclusion in the CYOA format.
E:10
This story is very, very depressing. Certain parts, particularly the male's University issues, strike home to me and make me weep for my future. But I can't deduct- that's what you were trying for. You win.
P:7
The day in the life approach, while affective, makes me wonder how the protagonist could have possibly lived past toddlerhood. Or how they haven't yet learned their lesson with public transportation.
G:10
Nothing glaring- no complaints. On a side note, the site's inability to distinguish capital "i"s and lowercase "l"s made me think you had commited a horrid error in your Country's name, before I figured it out after five repetitions.
You'd be amazed what people can live through. Almost every single event in this story is based either on first-hand experience or on a direct secondary account. I find that in Iad, people often choose not to learn a lesson like how to deal with the ticket control because this is one of the only truly effective forms of resistance. Remember, the "system" is broken so people are mostly left to their own devices to fight against it. There is also something of a self-destructive impulse that guides many Iadians' actions. And yes, the word is "Iad" with an uppercase "i". It sounds like "yod". It rhymes with "pod" and "God".
A lot of effort was put into this, and there aren’t any “filler” or “short” rooms which is a plus.
Thanks, buddy. Don't knock yourself out.
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