Sneeze

[Usoki]

The plot was not particularly inspiring, but it sure was different! This was a pretty fun idea and I love the "Porn!"/"Allegory!" choice for each room. Usoki gets points for creative use of choose-your-own-ending format and for the bizarre plotline. ...but I felt disappointed to find repetitive endings and rooms. I didn't feel like the choices really lead to different conclusions (mostly in the case of an initial "Porn!" choice).

It was fun, but very short and I had to backtrack a lot to get all branches. Unpleasantly surprised that several branches just looped back to prewritten rooms or told a story extremely similar, I would rather Usoki had just given me no choice and written what he had wanted to write.

The plot was horrid. I am honestly surprised that no one gave me grief for the endings. Pepper zombies? Really? I had no idea how to wrap it up, but pulling everything out of my ass had worked up to that point, and it was clear that not much in the story was taking itself seriously so... I'm not suprised it degraded that far, but it is depressing. There is a reason for all of that looping- every room had two choices until it ended. That gave me a total of 32 rooms- way too many, given that I had no idea what in the flying fuck I was doing.

...the other aspect to this story that makes the writing exceptional is the balance. The rooms are of a good size. Perhaps this all comes back to the fact that you created a solid foundation with the format and organized well around it. Anyway, this story is very well done.

I actually did flowchart this one, because I wanted to keep the story balanced based on its first split. That much, at least, does show. And, frankly, I enjoy how it tells a similar story- it makes your choices that much more important. I envisioned a narrator making up the story on the spot, with a little kid shouting demands he wanted worked into the story. After the first split, it really is the same story with slight variants, and that was pretty intentional. I enjoy the thought that the other characters will do the same things in each branch if your choice doesn't stop them. And, frankly, I had to give you choices, because I really had no idea what I was writing.

One of the things we found amusing was that it seemed to end badly if the focus shifted mid story from allegory to porn as if the characters just got distracted.

Hah, yes...well, it really does, doesn't it? The original plan was that there would only be two 'best' paths- one for each extreme. Any mixing of the two would create disaster. But I had no idea what to do after the first porn split, and the linking muddled things, and... well, I dunno. I really did like the splitting, though.

This one is probably the “least offensive” of the stories and some organization went into this one due to the room looping. While the only choices were always “Porn!” or “Allegory!” there were a parts where they weren’t strictly either, so it probably would’ve been better with just writing in normal choices so as not to give the wrong impression.

Of course it's the least offensive- I wrote it. I had to split the story that way- again, I had no idea what in the fuck I was doing. I loved my beginning, but I had no idea where to go from there. Especially choosing porn as the first option. If Anna came along, she'd obviously get possessed. But, after that...augh. That's definite the part where the options are neither, I'm guessing...but I didn't know what I was doing. I had the allegory half, so it needed to stay consistant. I just kept trucking along, and hoped it came out okay.

Usoki's writing was pretty keen. The dialog was nice. The section with the police officers was my favorite.

That's really the only saving part of that half of the story. I needed the rooms for the count, but man they were bad. Funny, but... uggh.

Not bad. Pretty original plotline, especially choosing between allegory or porn, giving the power to the reader and such, and good writing quality, but I dunno, the whole comedy genre just isn’t as enjoyable to me is hardcore porn or deep meaningful allegory. Call me a pretentious hedonist.

Well, it wasn't supposed to be comedy...but once I discovered that what I was writing kept turning into comedy, I went with it. The original plan was pretty epic, I think. The porn was supposed to be just as wonderfully described as the first two rooms, instead of being that weird car-hump thing that ended up happening. And the idea behind the allegory was a sort of return-to-nature-and-simplicity transcendental sort of thing. That's why Rod and Anna were attacked in the tech-heavy car, and that's how I justified pepper coming through the Power Plant. But I didn't really find enough ways to implement that, and I think that shows- it's not an allegory. It's not a porn, either. It's just a weird raunchy comedy.

I enjoyed the story well enough, though I do think it was somewhat lacking in description. I had the impression sometimes that this was a stylistic choice; however, it was unevenly implemented. This is true especially at the beginning of the story, when Jacob is first transformed. It seemed odd that his friends immediately assumed that demonic possession was to blame and that they had to run away immediately. The impression the story made was much like that of a Twilight Zone episode. There were a couple of good laughs tucked inside. I particularly enjoyed the bit about the pure blue eyes full of burning hellfire. In the future, though, I would leave out the explicit references to the horror genre. If there’s one thing I hate, it’s self-reflexivity. Breaking the fourth wall can add to the camp factor, or it can just add to the annoyance level.

First, I have no idea what you mean by self-reflexivity, or the part of the story where I broke the fourth wall. There is a very set reason his friends immediately assume possession- his text changes font, signifying a severe voice change. Presumably, the hellfire red eyes and other physical changes come into play here as well- I figured the font was evil enough to imagine such changes. Yes, it's random and silly...but when you think about what ended up being my conclusion...it's downright reasonable. I repeat myself- I hated the ending. But I was writing myself downhill, and I needed to stop somewhere.

As always, your writing is quirky and sardonic and practically screams “PONTENTIALLLL!!!”. But here, as in a couple other instances on this site, it never quite gets off the ground. It is, first and foremost, too short. The meager twenty pages were further truncated by the division of all the choices into porn and allegory, creating two competing threads that interwove yet never quite seemed to jive with one another. It was sort of funny in the context of this contest that what you chose to do with the split theme was literally to split up each choice the same way every time. However, the repetition sometimes got confusing and, more importantly, it wouldn’t make any sense at all beyond the confines of the IWT5. I really believe that any good story should be adaptable enough to make sense and be enjoyable outside of the narrow boundaries of its creation.

The length is half due to time, and half due to my utter inability to know what I was doing. I had to work to get as much length as I did. I agree that this story only makes sense in context of the contest. I disagree that this is a bad thing. IWT is in the title for a reason- if the reader doesn't read the settings to know what was up in the contest, the story won't be nearly as good. It's not a matter of "Oh, the story is better when you know what the writer went through as he wrote it". It's flat out "This story was written with IWT propping it up as a crutch, and pulling out IWT will destroy it." I can't write porn, and I didn't write an allegory. I will agree that makes the work weaker...but it is a weak work. It just is. It's something I would not have written without a prompt, and the audience should know that. I'm glad I did write it, and I'm oddly fond of it, but it's a bastard child. The reader should know what they're getting into.

The quality of your writing is really the saving grace of this story. As always, your grammar is mostly impeccable and I would consign my soul to anyone who doesn’t make the famous Apostrophe Error. However, it is your obvious ability that probably also led to my somewhat harsh response to the plot. I know you threw this one together really quickly, but think of what you could do if you really conceived first of a rich plot and then implemented it fully. I would love to see a large project from you sometime in the hopefully not too distant future.

Funny you mention that. I call it Rentyre. If you feel I am incorrect in making that claim, Oh, for the love of GOD give me meaningful feedback on this work! You are hands down the most honest and thought provoking of the ratings, and I'd be eager to hear your thoughts.

[Usoki]

I exceeded the 10,000 limit. I find that hilarious. My verbosity knows no bounds. Damn but I'm a feedback whore.

Overall the story was amusing, but I liked the brain in the jar segment the best.

Once I realized I needed a random TV program for Rod to be distracted by, I knew I needed to throw in this forum joke. I don't remember how it was started, but the conversation about how it would work was absolutely hilarious. I'm really tempted to add to that section, and either throw it in as a hidden severed section, or put it in HOID. Maybe both, though I'm not sure I ever actually will. I love the bizarre, cheesy, B-rated style there. And the fact that she'd pretty much have to hold Hans like a teddy bear would have to be demasculating, even if you can form a super long tendril penis. It was the most fun to write, as it was free to be as absurd as I wanted.

[End Master]

I liked it also since it was unexpected and made for a nice change up of the regular storyline.