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The Machinist Child

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  • The Machinist Child

    Holy blood soaked spectres Batman! This story did worse then Darkblade! What!? I wasn't expecting that; but I wasn't expecting alot of things I now realize. These raters blind sided me like a baby fawn on the freeway. SPLAT!

    This is all good though. I finally have taken off the rose tinted shades and accept that everything I crap out is not a golden nugget. I can now see the glaring problems in my stories thanks to the raters of this contest. So to them, I thank you. Thank you for crushing my child like innocence, throwing me into a world of darkness and self-loathing. Really, thanks. You pricks.

    Ratings ho!

    Write- 6
    Plot- 7
    Enjoy- *5
    Theme- 8

    This was a lot more linear than I would have guessed, thanks to your choice of which loose ends were continued. I think this story had better grammar than Darkblade... yet this one had some really, painfully obvious 'your/you're' errors which made me cringe. It totally ruined the moment.

    I really found it hard to enjoy this one. Partially because I wasn't a big fan of the darker vibe, but mostly because of the sheer amount of ridiculous elements. A tiny kid manages to become the demigod leader of a religion, possibly the creator of an entire civilization? After all of these years, there is still a human resistance, which is only just now trying to do something? Let alone details like your complete lack of scale. The Dyson Sphere scenes alone made my soul burn inside.

    It's certainly not bad- there's definitely potential here. I wonder how much of this you have planned out. This is the type of story that suffers without any sort of specific ending.
    Well hello Usoki. I know it's you this time even though you said the first comment would always be you about a half dozen times on the forum. That must really get under your skin. The fact that you say something and nobody listens to you. Your wife, your children, your parents; not heeding your words of wisdom. You scream to them that the weather is too warm to go skating on the lake, but do they listen? Not to Usoki. They go play hockey. Then drown into the icy abyss where you can no longer hear their muffled cries of pain. You stand there Usoki, pleading to the gods "why oh why does nobody listen to me?!" Does it at least give you satisfaction that you were right? Or does it leave a bittersweet taste in your mouth? ANSWER ME USOKI!!

    Wow. There's a paragraph I can never take back...I should of listened to you Usoki. Herp derp, I'm sorry.

    Anyway, you got me on the grammar again. Proof read maybe once and it shows. I think I did better here than Darkblade though. I see you had issues with a little kid becoming a demigod creator of a robot civilization. Well, I mean it's sci fi, what can I tell ya? Would it have been any more realistic if it was an old man cyborg doing these things? The kid had a natural talent for building things, so his natural talent combined with robotic superness assisted him. He only made the prototypes; having access to robot assembly factories helped out. I think the main point is you just don't think children can accomplish much. You cynical bastard. The children are our future and all that garbage. You are dumping on the future Usoki. I've seen kids build skyscrapers out of legos, you can't count the imagination of a child out.

    Well look at the resident Dyson sphere expert here. It's Usoki! Your "soul burned inside" because of my lack of scale? Yeesh, remind me not to do that again. It sounds unpleasant. I lightly researched dyson spheres. Excuse me if my scale is wrong, I've never been in a dyson sphere before. Oh and neither have you, ya cheeky slimewad. I should of just said it was big inside. Really big. Bigger than the Death Star. I mean besides giving out mathmatical equations for its size I guess thats all I can do. Sorry for burning your soul brah.

    I agree this story was hurt by no ending. I did have it planned out. Four endings actually. I'm not sure how much I'll continue on now that the story wasn't really enjoyed by most. My procrastination hurt me on this story. I didn't start this until late december, so it didn't get finished or have decent branching paths. Food for thought next time. In all seriousness though, thanks for the input Usoki!

    Writing - 9/10
    *Plot/Creativity - 20/20
    Enjoyment - 9/10
    Theme - 10/10

    I really loved this story, like, for real. I read every page. I did bump down the writing score for a few weird grammar mistakes that kept throwing me off. I also bumped down the enjoyment level, because the story is actually really linear with very few story options. Every branch that you can take off the main story is either a dead end or not written yet. That's really the only thing that stopped me from giving this story all 10s. It was right up my alley.
    This must be Kaze. You rated the story a 9 on the main site so it must be you since everyone else is throwing tomatoes at me. I'm really happy you liked the story. Maybe I'll finish the story just for you. From all the tips I'm receiving the next rooms can only get better!

  • #2
    Writing Style: 6*
    Plot/Creativity: 6
    Enjoyment: 5
    Theme: 7

    Again, there are grammar problems, like lay/lie, alot/a lot, improper hyphen use and a strange recurring tendency to use excessively colloquial words (e.g., face-plant) and even abbreviations in the body of your text. Why write "The Dr."? That's just odd and it makes me feel like you're tapping out a text message rather than writing a story.

    There was some good description and more careful plot and character development here that should have been dedicated to your first story (or to this one in place of your first story). It really hurt you to make two separate entries. I had to take off extra points for the fact that not only was this story unfinished, but it cut off at what seemed like the beginning stages of its development, with no extant satisfyingly developed paths.

    There is also a problem of a lack of differentiation between narration, description, dialogue and character self-talk. It all reads just the same, with the same unvarying explanatory monotone. There needs to be topographical variation in your writing, more of a sense of switching from one experience to the next, from one sensation to another, from one person's point of view to that of someone who has a completely different personality. The current impression is one of flatness.

    The character of the boy-bot is problematic. In the beginning he is a victim and the stage is set for the reader to sympathize with him. Then the point of view is abruptly changed and when we see this kid again, he has morphed into a psychotic killer. The lack of insight into this process ruined the character for me. Also, in that same vein of having no real distinction between character points of view and the omniscience of the narrator, the little boy seemed to know entirely too much for a ten-year-old. How was he able to determine that he was in fact in a robot assembly factory? I understand the style of this story is meant to be sparse and minimalistic, at least at the beginning, but this means that you must then sacrifice some of your say-it-all tendency and leave a good deal unsaid.

    Some inconsistencies:

    Why would the boy have been constructed in such a way as to be instantly capable of mayhem?

    If, as Garen says, mankind has been exploring space for 3000 years, then why does he use light bulbs as an analogy? If your story is going to be that exotically futuristic, then much more of its world needs to feel foreign to a 21st-Century reader. These characters speak and behave just as we do now, with the same underlying assumptions and cultural biases.
    Just by glancing briefly at a star system, Garen can tell that "The surface area of the sphere must be more than a hundred million Earths. A population of over a trillion could probably live very comfortably and spaciously on the surface of the sphere." Again, this is needlessly encyclopedic and obstructive to the flow of your story.

    If I were you, I'd scrap this one and focus your attentions on Pierce Darkblade so you can turn it into the masterpiece it was meant to be.
    This must be the incomparable Ves. You are quite the grammar hound I must say. Not that I mind you sniffing at my crotch, since its for a good cause. I agree the story needed to be cleaned up. Maybe lapped up by a good little hound dog? Do you ever feel the need to try kibble? I do sometimes. It might be good, how do we know!?

    You talk about my monotone narration and dialogue. To this I say you are 100% right. I thought the exact same thing as I was writing it. It's bland. I need to work on that. Maybe I should go outside and see how real people interact. The light though...the horrible, burning sunlight....dios mio.

    About inconsistencies, the boy knew he was in a robot assembly factory because he knew what they look like. Ten year old kids aren't as stupid as many of you seem to think they are. Also how he was built was by a rag tag group of scrambling scientists who lacked the means to do the job correctly or efficently. They were part of a losing empire so safety precautions were thrown to the wind and thats why he was made so destructive so quickly. The "lightbulb" thing...hmmm....umm...Well Garen is a history buff, he works on an archaeological space ship. The 21st century happens to be his favorite period of time so thats why he....ugh....FINE. YOU GOT ME.

    Scrap this story? Ouch! Your nails are digging into my skin! Some guys like that, but not me! I'm glad you seemed to enjoy Darkblade though. Thanks for the comments Ves, really helped me out!

    Writing: 10, Well written, haven't found any mistakes.

    Plot: 8, Far as I know, original, but the story isn't interesting.

    Enjoyment*: 6, Didn't care much for this story.

    Themes: 7, I see the themes, but only blend once.

    This rating is short and to the point, so I will be as well. I wish you elaborated more on why you didn't like it. These ratings don't really help me improve my writing. Again with the blending? If I threatened to put your hand in a blender, would you like the story more then?

    Writing Style - 7
    Plot/Creativity - 6
    * Enjoyment - 6
    Theme - 7

    Massive war bots lay destroyed and deactivated in the streets, they are absolutely littered with the machines.

    Not quite getting the “bomb the shit out of a child” and “hunt the kid to the ends of the earth” thing. How does hunting down and destroying this boy in any way beneficial to the antagonists’ goals?

    When a character is having ‘thinking’, put them in either italics or quotations and include indicators like “he thought” or something. That way we know.

    And then, holy shit it’s a whole nother character that I’m reading about? What the fuck is… Oh wait, it’s in 2nd person now. What the hell is going on here??? Was the first part a prelude? Or a separate chapter? Just what the fudge happened? You should include something like “Elsewhere” or “Some time later” or “Some random shit that explains that we’ve completely switched characters.”

    You wrote: “The University of Titan (one of the moons of Saturn)” – wait, is the University of Titan one of Saturn’s moons now? Or were you explaining where Titan was located for no reason whatsoever? Were you over-explaining because you thought I was too dumb to realize that Titan is a moon of Saturn? Is that what it is? Do you think I’m stupid? Huh? Answer the question, BatCountry. DO YOU THINK I’M STUPID? You dirty bastard, you. *shakes fist*

    Then there were like four back-to-back rooms with no options at all, just “continue” type options. Four in a row. This is supposed to be interactive fiction, where were my options? I don’t mind one or two in a row, and three can be annoying… BUT FOUR? Argh. I’m conflicted. Usually I’m frustrated when people try to force the reader in one direction by giving “THE END” rooms if they make the wrong choice, but I actually think I’d prefer that to this.

    Sorry BattyC. This had potential, but I’m having a hard time understanding motives for your characters. .

    The war makes no sense to me, who are the sides; what started it. The robots targeting children makes no sense; how does anyone benefit from killing little children? The child being turned into a cyborg makes no sense; why keep the kid alive. I get that you were going for, if the kid had gotten juiced by that syringe he would have been one of those robot soldier things. But that doesn’t really make sense either. Why use the child at all? Are robots not capable of being programmed to do whatever they’re trying to program the kid to do? If you want a robot army, just make robots… No need for cyborg children.

    Your story has some great moments, action scenes are well done. I think this story suffers from too much unexplained shit too soon in the story.

    I think that if you came up with some tangible reason for the boy child to become super powered or roboticized…. Perhaps by some crazy scientist or something; then the kid flips out and seeks revenge being this crazy badass super robot thing that he is. That would make sense to me. Something like that or whatever else, would push it home better I think; make it seem more logical. The intro with the kid who becomes a monster is a good idea, really; it’s just the delivery.
    DEP I'm guessing. And yes, I think you're stupid. Isn't it obvious thats what I thought of all of you by writing such encyclopedic descriptions? I thought you were stupid DEP and that was my own fault for questioning the readers intelligence. I'm sorry, you are not stupid. It has become clear that I am the stupid one.

    How does anyone benefit from killing children? Are you serious?! Because its FUN! Don't you like to think about the terrified screams of children as you pump them full of hot lead? No? I'm alone on this? Damn. Actually they were not just capturing children they were capturing any human being they could find to turn them into cyborgs as the Honzor empires resources for building robots was low due to fighting a losing war for so long. So they decided to make cyborgs. It was cheaper.

    I do like your idea for the crazed scientist but I feel then it would be just too "Frankenstein" for its own good. I'm not sure I can go back and change the whole story anyway. Mainly because I don't want to now. Glad you liked the action scenes, I thought I did those decently.
    Last edited by BatCountry; 02-10-2012, 11:55 AM.


    • #3
      Writing Style: 7
      Plot/Creativity: 8
      ***Enjoyment: 6
      Theme: 8

      The story has a very well-written starting room, with a plot that starts off as fairly engaging and interesting. I connected immediately with the little boy who'd lost everything, but still managed to smile at the robot he made just to dance. The scene where the soldiers are shooting at him makes me empathise with him and it's very well described. It instantly makes me want to read more.

      The first few rooms read like a sort of prologue and could possibly stand to be condensed down into maybe two rooms. I have to be honest, after the first couple of rooms, I grew bored after I ran into yet another room with only one option. I think there could have been more choices - even if it's two per room, it still gives the reader more control over the story, which is, after all, the point of an infinite story. There are too many one-option rooms.

      The story would be very good as a novel, I have to say - but I'm not a big fan of the one-room linear infinite stories. Sorry.
      Yeah the story was linear. I have four different endings planned out, but I didn't finish in time. Glad you did like some of it. I also didn't want to have too many options because the story gets too crazy, but I should of finished the story so then people could see all the choices involved.

      Well thats a wrap for me. My ego took a big time beatdown, yet it was really what I needed. I hope Usoki picks a good theme for next contest because I'm ready now....Ready to give it my all!


      • #4
        Originally posted by BatCountry View Post
        Well thats a wrap for me. My ego took a big time beatdown, yet it was really what I needed.
        Wow, if they gang raped you with a plunger to the ass, would you thank them for that too? Pathetic!

        Don't take anything any of these fucktards say seriously, for all their fancy critiquing they all got their heads collectively up their own asses. I swear it's like MHR divided his fat ass into multiple versions of himself with all the pseudo intellectual elitism being thrown around in the comments this contest. None of these fuckers know anything about REAL writing. YOU were a threat and they just didn't like you because you were a threat to their precious status quo.

        You have to shrug off these desperate attacks and NOT collapse under their faggot ass waggling fingers and "big words." Just keep writing the way you want because if you don't then THEY will win.


        (Hey someone had to say something encouraging!)
        Writing: It's more fun than a barrel of Ebola ridden monkeys!


        • #5
          Yeah, don't take us overly seriously. You finished in 4th place overall, not bad at all; especially with your grammer making mine look decent.

          The 'fix' to make your writing better is a pretty easy one: run it through a spelling/grammar check on Word to fix most of the mistakes.

          The rest of it is a matter of opinion. Personally, I'm glad that this contest brought forth two new solid writers. (You and KazeYami).

          And Zach tried too. Not bad for a little kid who probably got grounded for reading swear words.
          The organ is grinding but the monkey won't dance.


          • #6
            fucking ass-crippling dipswitch cuntmuggin' cummerbund!

            Originally posted by End Master View Post
            with all the pseudo intellectual elitism being thrown around in the comments this contest. None of these fuckers know anything about REAL writing.
            Yeah, well FUCK YOU TOO Endoplasm! You fucking cretinous douchebag assburgling shit-for-brains fuckmonkey! You just don't like the fact that people in this contest actually put some good thought into their comments rather than your standard, "Yeah it was ok I guess. Nothing awful, so yeah." You just don't like it when people show you up for the cherry-pop-sucking faggot you really are!

            Fuck fuck fuck that shit!
            My sanity, my soul, or my life.


            • #7
              Originally posted by Vesnic View Post
              rather than your standard, "Yeah it was ok I guess. Nothing awful, so yeah."
              Whoa whoa whoa, those comments are WAY too long. No need for all those extra words when a single description like Good or Ungood will do.

              Hell, even double plus good is pushing it!
              Writing: It's more fun than a barrel of Ebola ridden monkeys!


              • #8
                Haha! I have no idea why, but at this moment, right now, I want to hug you. I can't fathom why, but I do.


                Tee hee!
                My sanity, my soul, or my life.


                • #9
                  Wow. I like you EndMaster. You are easily the most entertaining guy on these forums. Most of the critiques on my writing were correct, yet I will heed your sage advice. I will continue to write stories that interest me first and hopefully an audience second. If you don't even like what you yourself write then what the hell is the point?

                  To DEP, I know you knew what a pachyderm was. I was just being a smart ass. Your story SHOULD of been where the adjusted score was. You got screwed over by Zac, but I guess his opinion is his opinion.

                  I want to consume a goat head.


                  • #10
                    Originally posted by BatCountry View Post
                    You are easily the most entertaining guy on these forums.
                    Yeah, but I'm the most entertaining girl, right?
                    My sanity, my soul, or my life.


                    • #11
                      Yeah, but I'm the most entertaining girl, right?

                      That is so obvious it doesn't even have to be said. I haven't been here long, but even I realize you are the female life blood of these forums.


                      • #12
                        Don't get me wrong. I'm not trying to demand that all of your SciFi elements make complete literary sense. It's just... suspension of disbelief can only go so far. Any one of them would have been fine. It's when they all start stacking up that it gets to be pretty obnoxious.

                        Let's take the Dyson Sphere example. We have a section of dead space which is dangerous and empty. Okay, that's kinda weird... but, it's SciFi. Fine. We'll roll with it. This region of space is completely empty and vast. To me, that suggests you can look out into the horizon and see nothing. If you can't see a Dyson Sphere on the horizon, you must be really far away. This must either be a small sphere, or a huge reason of dead space. The hero receives coordinates, and travels there. The sphere appears out of nowhere. "How did you know to look here," everyone asks. Now, if you equate this to finding an oasis in a desert, that makes some sense. But a Dyson Sphere is supposed to be huge. This is like driving to Colorado and then being surprised when you suddenly arrive at the base of the Rocky Mountain. How can you drive for that long without seeing it off in the distance? Which, okay, maybe they're travelling super fast. That could be, except that this would either make the dead region of space super huge, or completely negate their engine problems. And these metaphors still aren't quite accurate, because in space, there really isn't much of anything like hills or dunes which could block your view, unless this region of space is also littered with debree. And there's still an approach speed issue, because, as I recall, they see the Dyson Sphere on their screen (as opposed to seeing a small section of wall of the sphere) and then suddenly they've approached and are docking. If you can see the whole Death Star on your viewscreen, you're not about to be docking with it anytime soon. And the Death Star is so comically small compared to a Dyson Sphere it's almost not funny.

                        And then there was the part where this Sphere was creating the disruption that was creating the dead region of space. As in, it was the direct center of this disruption. Shouldn't someone be able to look on a map, and say, "Hey, look, this mysterious and dangerous area of space seems to form a circle. Let's go check out the center and see what happens." But, no, they arrive, and a full "this never happens" welcome wagon appears.

                        And, yeah, I guess I am challening the idea that a 10 year old kid could be capable of such things. If nothing else... wouldn't one of the other robots say "Hey, you. You're just a kid. I'm the leader, not you." Even a figurehead child leader with a robotic chancellor/puppet master would make more sense than an actual, child leader.

                        But... I digress. I think the point I was trying to make is... you can get away with a few absurd elements, and the reader will just write it off as "this is fiction, that sort of thing happens". But when you put too many of them in there, the house of cards falls apart, and suddenly the reader is nitpicking at every little ridiculous thing.

                        And, I do want to stress this- the only reason I feel comfortable in ragging on you this much is because I think you can take it. Your understanding of the fundamentals is solid, you know what you're doing, you fit in here... I'm a dick because I don't see the need to coddle you and tell you what you did well. If you want a pat on the head and a cookie as a prize for mediocracy, you're at the wrong place. Get your own damn cookie, and sit your ass down, because we're gonna help you make turn okay into totally fucking awesome.
                        Originally posted by Ryan_DuBois
                        Usoki, you're the crankiest asshole we know. Not that it's a bad thing, it just means that you smell funny and are best left hidden in darkness.
                        And it's embarrassing when you make any noise at all.


                        • #13
                          Originally posted by Usoki View Post
                          And, I do want to stress this- the only reason I feel comfortable in ragging on you this much is because I think you can take it. Your understanding of the fundamentals is solid, you know what you're doing, you fit in here... I'm a dick because I don't see the need to coddle you and tell you what you did well. If you want a pat on the head and a cookie as a prize for mediocracy, you're at the wrong place. Get your own damn cookie, and sit your ass down, because we're gonna help you make turn okay into totally fucking awesome.

                          You are correct Usoki, I can take it like a man. This is honestly exactly what I wanted, being out of writing fiction for so long, honest opinions from OTHER WRITERS. I know if I had friends or family try and critique my writing I would just be heaped on with praise which doesn't help me in the slightest to improve as a writer. I want to improve, so feel free to dog me all you wish. I can dish it out pretty well myself as well if I must.

                          The children are our future Usoki. Those little snot wads will rule our depends wearing, geriatric spasm, wheelchair bound future selves. Just make sure the denchers are in when you decide to bite one of the rapscallions who keep stealing your vitamins!


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