420 Words

[donteatpoop]

Story writing game: 420 words, no more no less. Must continue the post above. No tags, just post if you feel inclined. Only two rules.

1) 420 word minimum and maximum. If that means your post ends in mid sentence, that's fine; the next persons' post will simply begin in mid sentence.
2) No back to back posts.

Now someone start this, would you?

[ChubbyTeletubby]

"Beer ally" is where I wandered to on that fateful April 20, two thousand and whateverthefuckyearitwas. It was a forlon place, really. At least at first glance. Overgrown with weeds and tainted with the defilements of the "too cool for school" aka "future losers/felons/whores" of America gang that frequented it.

But first glances can be deceiving. You see, beer ally was more than just a bunch of broken condoms and used beer bottles.

It was a haven. A secret garden.

And as the name implies, there was a lot of beer drinking. As the condoms imply, there was a lot of fucking, sucking, and what have you. But that wasn't all...

There was weed smoking too. And as I pranced fancifully along, whistling the merryiest little Britney Spear's ditty I knew, I had but one thing on my mind. Well....two things. Smoking weed. And Britney Spears chained in my basement. If only....

If only...

At last I arrived on those hallowed grounds on the hallowedest of all days on the stoner calender.....420!

There was already a large group assembled there...mostly regulars. Of course I was broke and hoping to sneak my way into a circle and fuck up the cipher.

"Well, what it is, nigga!" came the all too familiar greeting from the whitest of all my friends, Baxter! Baxter the bastard was his official monicker.

"What it will be, mutha fucka!" Came my kneeflex reply. I was such a dweeb.

An awkward pause ensued.

"Well?" proded Bax.

I shrugged indifferently and simply sighed before finally replying, "Well what?"

"You hear the big news?"

"Big news?"

He winked that devilish wink of his, saucy little minx that he was."SUPER BIG"

"Well spit it out!"

"Dude..."

"WHAT!?"

"It's big...."

I enjoyed our keen banter, don't get me wrong. But sometimes Baxter made me want to smack him in the head with a beer bottle and chain him up in my basement.

Come to think of it, I thought. I want to chain up a lot of people in my...well, my parents basement. Damn, we need a bigger basement.

"DUDE!" Bellowed that ravishing bastard, jolting me out of my little "mind lapse". "What the fuck? Are you high already??? You shoulda shared!!!"

"I'm not high!" I insisted as I do. "I'm just thinking. Something I'm sure you've never done..."

"That hurts man..."

The look on his face spoke volumes. "I'm sorry," I intoned softly. "Now about that news..."

"It's big...."

"Dammit Baxter I know!!!!"

I looked around frantically for any blunt object I could bash my dearest Baxter in the head with.

[Vesnic]

Wanting more than anything to break the uncomfortable silence and lubricate the big social dick that was my sucky little social life, I grabbed the first joint that floated into sight. This joint happened to be perched between the nimble five-finger discounts of my good friend Jenny Jehosaphat, a.k.a. Jenny J. (from the block).

“Yo what the fuck mothafucka?” exclaimed Jenny J., lumbering her massive Irish girth around like a merry-go-round on dope to behold the face of the joint thief. “Oh. It’s you.”

For a moment we both tried (and failed) to forget that night of drunken rubbin’ that left us both so very ashamed. Or whatever approximation to shame we junkies actually feel... It can bash like a brick until the next hit.

“How ‘bout I pay you back later Jenny J.?”

“Yeah okay.”

Sucka. Maybe she liked me more than I liked her, she was so willing to part with a freshly rolled J, just like that. Jenny J the jointless. So I left one awkward conversation, returning to the first one.

“So,” I said, after a good five hits, utterly disregarding the 3-2-1 rule of stoner etiquette before Bax finally grabbed the blunted little thing from my hands and took some mad fast huff-n’-puffs on the sucka. That fucker was gonzo before I could count to 1-2-3.

“So?” he said.

“You needed to tell me something? Something so fucking important, you had to bring it up five times just to tease me?”

“Huh? What are you talking about? Hey you see that kid over there? Who the fuck invited him?”

I looked to where Bax’s ashy finger was pointing to see some skinny hipster dweeb with light sticks. Does he think this is a fucking rave? No one is supposed to be…exhilarated…on Beer Alley. That’s what fucking gay clubs and Disneyworld are for.

“Fuck him. No, but seriously, what was…?”

Baxter had disappeared. Fucker.

That part of the night which I dreaded so much had suddenly descended upon me. All my friends (all two of them) had forgotten who I was and so my little doobie and I were left to our own devices to find…new friends? A member of the female species?

It’s funny, no matter what you do to get away from it, life always comes back at you with the same fucking problems. The same fucking mundane problems. Like how to get laid. How not to make girls call the cops. Fucking A.

For a moment I glanced hopefully towards Jenny, but suddenly…

[ChubbyTeletubby]

The skinny hipster dweeb sauntered up to me with a smile on his face that was utterly too confident for a newcomer. "Have you heard the news?" he uttered.

"Fuck you," I sputtered, then tossed away the perfectly good roach in a fit of misplaced aggression.

"Seriously..."

Oh, how I longed then! How I longed ever so longingly to strap him to whatever ill conceived though insidious device I could conceive of in any sort of convincing way at such an age and with such a lack of know how. Is that an actual sentence!? Oh, confound it all!

All I knew was that someone must give life, however fleetingly, to that dark, empy basement.

That dark, empty basement...

"So what's the word, nerd?" I pressed him with my own delicate smile. My eyes spewed evil, but most of these dullards never could make eye contact.

"Well," he drawled, "there's been..."

"DUDE!!!!" came the siren's call, startling me from behind. I reeled around to behold my beloved Bax. What a fine specimen he was! Oh, how I wanted to cut out his kidneys.

"You again," I yawned, somehow soothed by his return. I never saw the hipster dweeb again.

"You hear the news?"

"God help me, Bax. I will make you drown on your own blood..."

"Whoah! Where did THAT come from???"

"Just gimme the news," I said, teeth grinding, fists clenched.

"You okay, man?"

"Look at me, Bax. Take a good, hard look. I need a girl in a short miniskirt and a long jacket....."

"Jesus fucking Christ," the insatiable simpleton cut me off then. "I know. You've been going on since freshman year about this. Post an ad or sumfin man. Fuck."

"Fuck you, Bax."

"Fuck me? No, fuck you, bro."

"I will do things to you, Bax. Don't toy with me!"

But oh, how he toyed with me! He toyed and he toyed.

And he toyed.

Jenny J (from the block) waddled up then, fat Irish whore that she was. And still is. Or.....wait....no she isn't! Silly old me. An entirely different tale.

"Hey, you broke bitch!" exclaimed she.

I sighed that sigh of mine."What?"

"You hear the news?"

It was at that precise moment I reached the zenith. The zenith of my patience. Never again would I suffer these insufferable insufferables.

"Yes," I droned.

Where was Bax? God dammit! That rebellious rascal had slipped away again!

"Oh, counfound it all," I slipped.

Jenny J gave me a look. "Huh?"

"I mean...motha fuck a duck!"

[Bear Bipolar-Bear]

I had decided that enough was just about enough. I turned my back on my friends to begin the long trudge home. This world of drugs and vice left me feeling so very empty sometimes. These people said they were my friends, yet they could not even finish a sentence. In what sort of infantile mind is it truly amusing to repeat the same leading words over and over again, only to let them drift off in the wind, incomplete? I realized then I had to find better friends than these.

I left the alley, turned down Bungalow Boulevard, and found myself suddenly accosted by a small brown bear in a trench coat. He smiled disarmingly.

"Greetings," said the bear.

"I didn't think I took anything like that tonight," I mumbled aloud, wondering if I'd gotten some sort of strange contact contamination from the guy with the light sticks.

"I assure you, my good sir, that I am indeed of flesh and blood, of fur and little bits of dried honey stuck to my maul. I am an errant bear who wanders the world in search of worthy souls seeking The Way."

"Huh?"

"My name is Julius Droolius Unctious III, but you may call me Jules. I am glad to have finally found you. You are not an easily encountered fellow. You have been successfully evading me, albeit unwittingly, for quite some time now."

Despite the fact that I was messed up and utterly convinced I was seeing things, I liked the fact that this bear could string a decent sentence together. Also, I had nothing better to do.

"Well okay, uh, Jules...what happens now?"

"Now we go back to my apartment. Come, friend."

The bear didn't seem to find it at all amusing when he grabbed my hand with his paw, clutching it close to him like some sort of protective auntie who feared I would suddenly decide to bolt across the street at just the same moment a large truck came barreling through. He opened a cracked glass door beside a sandwich shop, indicating that I should precede him up the stairs. His little apartment was located on the second floor directly above this worthy establishment. "Home sweet home," he said, turning the key in the lock and pushing the flimsy little door forward, again indicating that I should go in first. I hesitated for just a second, but he patted me soothingly on the back, saying, "Many unimaginable wonders lie before you, friend. Come, follow me please."

[Threadkiller]

then becky showed up./ ‘shit dude shes comeing this way!!’

the hipster said, & lit a ciggerette.

“what am I gonna do?” I looked for some where to hide but the crappy appartment was worthless. just like the bear, he just muterng to himself. “quick gimme a hit of that” i said to the hipster. “its just a ciggie bro” he said. but then she was there

“FUCK YOU!!” she was scraming. You worthless little peice of shit! u couldn’t get it up or get a job & were OVER!”

“look bitch” i tried to say

‘dont u even try to back talk me!” becky screamed “ur not even hot! if u say 1 more word i will blow ur head off!! & also I took a test this morning & it says im PREGNANT! U pwe me MONEY!![/i]

“bitch I aint payin u shit”

& she started to come back at me b ut the bear stood up. “GET THE FUCK OUT MY HOUSE!” he roared.

“fuck, a bear!” and he ran at her & spit was fly out of his mouth but becky had a gun

and 5 shots miss but the last shot hit the bear in thw arm. He wasn’t down yet tho, so becky ran but she wasnt fast enough & he took a nice chunk out of her leg. She screamed like a bitch and there wass blood everywhere.

“watch it dude!” i shouted as she tried to get behiund a chair next to the hipster. “thanks bro!” he yelled & jumped out of the way. he passed me the cigarrette, then the bear demolished the chair hed been using

but that gave becky time to grab a knife from the getto kitchen. “YOUR DONE BITCH!” the bear roared but she stabbed him in the eye. The bear went fuckin insane, I got out of theway but he was destorying furniture and walls & runnin around smarfshing up the place. He saw becky with 1 crazy eye and slashed. Her clothse got ripped, her arm broke and their was blood all overt the place.

She reloaded the gun tho and shot the bear 3 times. “help me out u assholes’ he growled at us & charged. Becky was down but there was so much blood the bear slipped& hit the wall. becky screamed but manged to stand up and empty the gun intot he bear. “dammit Get this bitch out of my house!” were his last words and he fell, takng out the window & the neighbors deck on his way down.

i lookd at the hipster and we rushed becky & just beat the hell out of her We kept going til she stopped moving & I grabed the gun & pistolwhipped her head off.
“fuck yeah man, look at that, ur strong as shit,” the hipstir said, so I let him have sex with her. Then we just stood there in the middle of the trashed to shit apartment, covered in blood & ready to get the party started

[Vesnic]

Gushing verbal diarrhea...

Well, he finally did what he set out to do.

Thanks a lot, asshole.

That was really and truly disgusting, and not in a good way either. It just sucked. It just massively, massively sucked.

But you achieved your goal of not making me want to add anything to this thread...ever again.

So...congratulations?

Asshole.

[Dragavan]

He also broke the rules of the thread to do it, having a post that was around 500 words instead of the required number. Others have shaved close (possibly missing by a few words one way or the other) but he was around 80 words off target, which is an egregious breaking of the rules.

[Threadkiller]

He also broke the rules of the thread to do it, having a post that was around 500 words instead of the required number. Others have shaved close (possibly missing by a few words one way or the other) but he was around 80 words off target, which is an egregious breaking of the rules.

fine. ur missing out but heres 420 words faggot:



then becky showed up./ ‘shit dude shes comeing this way!!’

the hipster said, & lit a ciggerette.

“what am I gonna do?” I looked for some where to hide but the crappy appartment was worthless. “quick gimme a hit of that” i said to the hipster. “its just a ciggie bro” he said. but then she was there

“FUCK YOU!!” she was scraming. You worthless little peice of shit! u couldn’t get it up or get a job & were OVER!”

“look bitch” i tried to say

‘dont u even try to back talk me!” becky screamed “ur not even hot! if u say 1 more word i will blow ur head off!! & also I took a test this morning & it says im PREGNANT! U pwe me MONEY!![/i]

“bitch I aint payin u shit”

& she started to come back at me b ut the bear stood up. “GET THE FUCK OUT MY HOUSE!” he roared.

“fuck, a bear!” and he ran at her & spit was fly out of his mouth but becky had a gun

and 5 shots miss but the last shot hit the bear in thw arm. He wasn’t down yet tho, so becky ran but she wasnt fast enough & he took a nice chunk out of her leg. She screamed like a bitch and there wass blood everywhere.

but that gave becky time to grab a knife from the getto kitchen. “YOUR DONE BITCH!” the bear roared but she stabbed him in the eye. The bear went fuckin insane, I got out of theway but he was destorying furniture and walls & runnin around smarfshing up the place. He saw becky with 1 crazy eye and slashed. Her clothse got ripped, her arm broke and their was blood all overt the place.

becky screamed but manged to stand up and empty the gun intot he bear. “dammit Get this bitch out of my house!” were his last words and he fell, takng out the window & the neighbors deck on his way down.

i lookd at the hipster and we rushed becky & just beat the hell out of her We kept going til she stopped moving & I grabed the gun & pistolwhipped her head off.
“fuck yeah man, look at that, ur strong as shit,” the hipstir said, so I let him have sex with her. Then we just stood there in the middle of the trashed to shit apartment, covered in blood & ready to get the party started

[Threadkiller]

Thanks a lot, asshole.

That was really and truly disgusting...

But you achieved your goal of not making me want to add anything to this thread...

Congratulations

NP, Vesnic. i love it when ppl get what Im going for.

[donteatpoop]

Not that it worked on me, but it's good to see Threadkiller finally get some points on the board. Congratulations, Threadkiller, we may just make a troll out of you yet.


[edit] although, recinding your original post in order to fall in line with the rules kind of cancels out your win. What the hell, man? Do you want to be a successful troll or don't you? The proper response to this would have been something like:

Who the fuck cares? Writing is gay as fuck anyway! You fucking faggots are all holding your limp dicks in your hand over the word count?! Guess what? No one cares!! None of you will amount to anything and when you die people won't even want to skull fuck your corpses for the fear that the idiocy of your brain might cling to their dicks and dumb down their cocks.

etc, etc. You get the point.

[Usoki]

It kind of bothers me that he's mixing the "I don't always" meme with the "you mad" meme. Does that count for anything?

[End Master]

He should've just stuck to calling Drag a faggot and used a different pic entirely to get his jab in at Ves. Even a simple troll face would've been better.

He's still not as annoying as Megaman though. He's not even drums level yet, but I guess its still mission accomplished considering he derailed the thread. Though DEP could just delete all the posts after Bipolar Bear to save his thread if he wanted to make TK's efforts completely pointless and crush this small victory.

I'm more impressed that Drag was actually patient enough to sift through and count up the word mess that TK splattered in his post in the first place.

[Dragavan]

I'm more impressed that Drag was actually patient enough to sift through and count up the word mess that TK splattered in his post in the first place.

Don't be impressed... I just cut and pasted them into Word, which does a pretty good job of counting words. Although it does mess up with funky staggering punctuation sometimes, his was soooo far off the mark I had to say something. I mean, the others were all at least close (although I'm not sure any of them were exactly correct), but when the auto-counter comes up 80 words off of the mark, it's really bad.

[donteatpoop]

Is it still considered trolling if it inspires conversation?