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After much putzing around, I'm walking in the footsteps of Ves and Usoki to give my response to the reviews I received for my story "The Prophet". As a preface I'll say I rushed through this story to meet the deadline as I'm sure most of us did. Maybe, just maybe in some beautiful and perfect world we will actually give ourselves sufficient time to develop fleshed out tales for these contests. In general though, I've found that even all these hurried stories from the contests tend to be better than 90% of the stuff on the site anyway. Kudos to all our writing prowess I guess.
I did however ponder the idea for the story the moment the contest theme was announced. I began with the idea of an all powerful cosmic being, similar to Usoki's story. Eventually I flirted with the idea of an ancient and elusive vampire who preyed upon a village from his remote castle. Obviously similar to the story Ves came up with. I find it funny I almost went with ideas similar to Usoki's and Ves. Really glad I avoided that for varieties sake.
Going back to my powerful God idea I actually dwelled on the holy book, remembering that most of the time all powerful God would use someone else, a mortal to do his bidding. Usually teaching this person a lesson in the process. Obvious inspiration was Moses and Jonah. I thought it interesting how Moses had all these crazy powers, but they weren't really his. They were given to him by God, so that's why I went with the idea of the mighty staff that were imbued with the powers of Alru. Itus required faith in his lord as well as possession of the staff to retain his power. I thought that gave him a fair weakness.
I'd like to come back to this story and finish it up. I had a lot more fun writing this one then I have most of my other stories. Some reviewing my story are often confused with the tone I'm going for. That the story is serious one moment and completely bonkers the next. I actually kind of like that. To me it makes it funnier when you take a completely serious moment then for no real reason at all, just go ape shit. So I definitely enjoyed this one more because I just wrote how I wanted and what I would find funny. On to the responses!
BatCountry
Plot/Creativity 10
Enjoyment 9
Style 8
Theme* 9
This piece was silly and quirky. I loved it. There were a few scattered errors, but nothing too serious. Granted, it's a bit random. One minute we're trying to figure out whether or not to flash our nuts at a God. The next, we're making an important decision in the middle of a raging storm. Shortly after that, we're sending plauges of puppies to heathens. The story can't really decide how serious it is supposed to be, so it can be a bit disorienting at times. All the same, it was very fun, with an open-ended plotline which lends itself well to the CYOA format.
The staff was a great way to incorporate the theme, I thought. It was capable of doing literally anything he thought of, but the moment it was not in his hand, he was powerless. And the moment he became too evil, he was forced to change alliegances. It was almost a bit too open- with no real opponent, and no obvious limitations, I'm not sure how well the story could support itself at a longer length.
I agree the story was silly and quirky. Glad you liked it! It was definitely meant to be disorienting, that's how I intended it. I also agree with your concern of the story not being able to sustain itself at a longer length, as how it appears in its current form. Trust me I had plot points in mind to limit the seemingly unstoppable staffs. This is sort of hinted at in the "evil" story line, when Sordint tells Itus that the followers of Alru could stop him. Itus kills them way too quickly, but if I continue the story there will definitely be moments when Alru's followers become aware of Itus and gain powers of their own to combat him. Reverse if you continue down the "good" path. Itus was never meant to be the only one in the world with a holy item.
BatCountry
The Prophet
Writing Style: 10
Plot/Creativity: 8
*Enjoyment: 10
Theme: 8
"You throw back your robe and expose your testicles to Alru the almighty. You flap them around like a soppy sack of old potatoes. The galaxy spanning eyes of Alru gaze upon your gnarled forest of pubes and he is not amused."
"You remove your pants and leap onto the inviting rump of Bessie, your prize heifer. Inserting yourself into Bessie she bellows a low guttural moan. She digs it. You hump her with tender adulation, gripping her furry haunches and yelping your pleasure to anyone in earshot."
"Upon death you release your bowels then descend to hell."
Now THAT'S writing!
While not every page is filled with such hilarious colorful images, but enough of it was that I enjoyed it a lot. I'd like to see more fleshed out branches for this story in the future.
You literally picked all my favorite lines from the story. There is something very wrong with me...and YOU for that matter for enjoying such deplorable imagery! I can only guess you are EndMaster, the deviant overlord and a man after my own heart. And don't worry, I plan to add more debauchery later on for this tale. Don't you worry your pretty little diseased mind.
BatCountry: The Prophet
Writing Style: 7
Solid. An improvement on your last entry - I'm not trying to be condescending, but it is. Grammar/syntax is almost perfect, and pacing is spot on. Excepting that the story "ends" unexpectedly on each path, this is a worthwhile read. Your sense of humor is evident in a few branches; while they don't all gel entirely with the story, you had fun writing them, and that shows. Those are the most entertaining parts of your entry.
Plot/creativity: 6
Being a "prophet of God" has been done to death since the inception of literature. I've rarely seen it in this format, though, and your version feels "fresh" enough.
* Enjoyment: 6.5
Several of the plotlines were promising. I never felt bored or disconnected.
Theme: 6.5
The main character is satisfyingly overpowered.
I'm glad you can tell I had fun writing this. I truly did and hope all my future writing can be as enjoyable. Finding my groove better I think. Is this Locke perhaps?
I did however ponder the idea for the story the moment the contest theme was announced. I began with the idea of an all powerful cosmic being, similar to Usoki's story. Eventually I flirted with the idea of an ancient and elusive vampire who preyed upon a village from his remote castle. Obviously similar to the story Ves came up with. I find it funny I almost went with ideas similar to Usoki's and Ves. Really glad I avoided that for varieties sake.
Going back to my powerful God idea I actually dwelled on the holy book, remembering that most of the time all powerful God would use someone else, a mortal to do his bidding. Usually teaching this person a lesson in the process. Obvious inspiration was Moses and Jonah. I thought it interesting how Moses had all these crazy powers, but they weren't really his. They were given to him by God, so that's why I went with the idea of the mighty staff that were imbued with the powers of Alru. Itus required faith in his lord as well as possession of the staff to retain his power. I thought that gave him a fair weakness.
I'd like to come back to this story and finish it up. I had a lot more fun writing this one then I have most of my other stories. Some reviewing my story are often confused with the tone I'm going for. That the story is serious one moment and completely bonkers the next. I actually kind of like that. To me it makes it funnier when you take a completely serious moment then for no real reason at all, just go ape shit. So I definitely enjoyed this one more because I just wrote how I wanted and what I would find funny. On to the responses!
BatCountry
Plot/Creativity 10
Enjoyment 9
Style 8
Theme* 9
This piece was silly and quirky. I loved it. There were a few scattered errors, but nothing too serious. Granted, it's a bit random. One minute we're trying to figure out whether or not to flash our nuts at a God. The next, we're making an important decision in the middle of a raging storm. Shortly after that, we're sending plauges of puppies to heathens. The story can't really decide how serious it is supposed to be, so it can be a bit disorienting at times. All the same, it was very fun, with an open-ended plotline which lends itself well to the CYOA format.
The staff was a great way to incorporate the theme, I thought. It was capable of doing literally anything he thought of, but the moment it was not in his hand, he was powerless. And the moment he became too evil, he was forced to change alliegances. It was almost a bit too open- with no real opponent, and no obvious limitations, I'm not sure how well the story could support itself at a longer length.
I agree the story was silly and quirky. Glad you liked it! It was definitely meant to be disorienting, that's how I intended it. I also agree with your concern of the story not being able to sustain itself at a longer length, as how it appears in its current form. Trust me I had plot points in mind to limit the seemingly unstoppable staffs. This is sort of hinted at in the "evil" story line, when Sordint tells Itus that the followers of Alru could stop him. Itus kills them way too quickly, but if I continue the story there will definitely be moments when Alru's followers become aware of Itus and gain powers of their own to combat him. Reverse if you continue down the "good" path. Itus was never meant to be the only one in the world with a holy item.
BatCountry
The Prophet
Writing Style: 10
Plot/Creativity: 8
*Enjoyment: 10
Theme: 8
"You throw back your robe and expose your testicles to Alru the almighty. You flap them around like a soppy sack of old potatoes. The galaxy spanning eyes of Alru gaze upon your gnarled forest of pubes and he is not amused."
"You remove your pants and leap onto the inviting rump of Bessie, your prize heifer. Inserting yourself into Bessie she bellows a low guttural moan. She digs it. You hump her with tender adulation, gripping her furry haunches and yelping your pleasure to anyone in earshot."
"Upon death you release your bowels then descend to hell."
Now THAT'S writing!
While not every page is filled with such hilarious colorful images, but enough of it was that I enjoyed it a lot. I'd like to see more fleshed out branches for this story in the future.
You literally picked all my favorite lines from the story. There is something very wrong with me...and YOU for that matter for enjoying such deplorable imagery! I can only guess you are EndMaster, the deviant overlord and a man after my own heart. And don't worry, I plan to add more debauchery later on for this tale. Don't you worry your pretty little diseased mind.
BatCountry: The Prophet
Writing Style: 7
Solid. An improvement on your last entry - I'm not trying to be condescending, but it is. Grammar/syntax is almost perfect, and pacing is spot on. Excepting that the story "ends" unexpectedly on each path, this is a worthwhile read. Your sense of humor is evident in a few branches; while they don't all gel entirely with the story, you had fun writing them, and that shows. Those are the most entertaining parts of your entry.
Plot/creativity: 6
Being a "prophet of God" has been done to death since the inception of literature. I've rarely seen it in this format, though, and your version feels "fresh" enough.
* Enjoyment: 6.5
Several of the plotlines were promising. I never felt bored or disconnected.
Theme: 6.5
The main character is satisfyingly overpowered.
I'm glad you can tell I had fun writing this. I truly did and hope all my future writing can be as enjoyable. Finding my groove better I think. Is this Locke perhaps?
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