Snippet Feedback & Critique Wanted!

[Dewfreak83]

In the gamebook I'm working on (Heroes Guard), I'm trying to randomize a few aspects of the game - not everything is choice-driven. I'm hoping this is one aspect that helps to improve replayability of the game. In one such case, I'm randomizing the prologue of the book which is meant to inform the player they are writing in a journal, trying to recall their past. A few examples:

Mistakes
Was I wrong? Did I make the right choices that brought me here? I’m no longer certain. In this journal I’m attempting to recount all the decisions I made. The mistakes that haunt me. Perhaps I’ll find forgiveness with myself for those I failed. But I did some good didn’t I?

Last Will and Testament
Here-in is contained my final will and testament. But first, you will learn how I obtained my possessions. For that in itself is perhaps my greatest asset. I give you my journal, filled with adventure and wonder.

Parent to Son
This journal of tales is dedicated to my Son. When I no longer walk on this world, you can still hear my stories of adventure and adversity. To my greatest treasure of all with Love.

[Vesnic]

Is there a question implicit in this or are you just inappropriately advertising your work on another site on our forum without even bothering to introduce yourself first?

On this site, we don't do replayable games. We do fictional stories written in the second person.

So do you want some writing advice? In your intros, whether they're randomized or not, don't resort immediately to too-fruity language. "When I no longer walk on this world, you can still hear my stories..." is a bit stilted, even for the story-gaming genre.

Just some unsolicited advice for your unsolicited solicitation.

[Dewfreak83]

Is there a question implicit in this or are you just inappropriately advertising your work on another site on our forum without even bothering to introduce yourself first?

Oh dear. I'm sorry. Sorry if I came off scummy / spammy.

On this site, we don't do replayable games. We do fictional stories written in the second person.

So I grew up reading CYOA books, and later found out that "gamebooks" existed when I was searching for new games on the app store. I loved them, but thought it would be neat if they incorporated a few new / different ideas - but still be classified as interactive fiction.

Is writing solely in second person a necessity for interactive fiction? I suppose mine is past 1st person?

So do you want some writing advice?

I'm very sorry if I didn't make that more clear. This is precisely what I'm looking for. Mostly I just want to make sure my writing level isn't that of a 9 year-old and draws some level of interest from the reader.

In your intros, whether they're randomized or not, don't resort immediately to too-fruity language. "When I no longer walk on this world, you can still hear my stories..." is a bit stilted, even for the story-gaming genre.

I suppose I was going for: loving father that tries to write something heart-felt for his son. It was meant to be a bit "fruity", and I think its one of the few (out of 10 or so) that gets that cheesey. I will think on it though - thanks!

Just some unsolicited advice for your unsolicited solicitation.

I'm looking for any feedback and critiquing (as per the topic) - so it is indeed solicited advice

If posting here is really bad or frowned upon, I can definitely go more on lerk mode, but the Creative Writing section hasn't had much traction in the last several months for me to get super involved in - thought I'd take a stab at getting something started.

[Vesnic]

Dew, you have responded gracefully to my questions and challenges, so let me take the opportunity, since you clearly have been lurking here for awhile, to welcome you aboard the crazy and perhaps half-scuttled ship that is Infinite Story!

You are certainly not unwanted here. However, it is our hope that you will contribute to our own site, especially when soliciting feedback for your writing. CYOA is a shared interest here and it's clear you're one of the crew in that regard. No, it doesn't have to be (and often isn't) written in the second person. I suppose what truly distinguishes it from other prose writing is the interactive component, the element of choice in how the story progresses. This element has, as you know, found different forms of implementation, be it a developed story engine, the roll of a die or, in our less tech-centric version here, the mimicking, through linking, of the old "turn to page..." format of the original CYOA bestselling books. There are many clever and subtle ways to play with the possibilities on IS, and I encourage you to explore them all. The simplicity of this site also encourages you to focus on the craft of writing itself, with or without added features and forms.

If you've been lurking for awhile, then I'm sure you know you're making your grand entrance just as we're about to hit a deadline for our yearly contest. Several people, myself included, are scrambling to finish their stories on time and are too busy to give feedback to other writers just at this moment.

However, if you'd like to show your good faith on Infinite and to serve as a nice initiation into our community, you might consider offering commentary on the contest stories which will be submitted in a few days. If you don't feel ready to judge with numerical scores, I'm sure just submitting general feedback to this year's hardworking authors would be much appreciated.

Also, come join us on our unpredictable forums. Please try to add to the fun. Building your presence and people's sense of who you are and what you stand for will also get them more interested in your off-site work.

And no, you don't have the writing level of a nine-year-old, so I for one wouldn't mind taking a look at your stuff...in a little while, that is!