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Vessy-poo IWT 11: "Rover of the Sands" Ratings and Comments

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  • Vessy-poo IWT 11: "Rover of the Sands" Ratings and Comments

    Well, considering this story was around three days' work in total and about a theme that grabs me absolutely not at all, I think I did all right.
    I'm assuming the order of reviewers is Bat, Poop, Bear, Cat (way to go breaking up the animal theme, DEP!)

    My infuriated responses are in RED.

    Rover of the Sands

    Plot/ Originality: 9

    I thought this was quite the interesting idea. A ship sifting along the sands with an abominable terror on board that the protagonist is in love with. Very cool. I kinda saw where it was going at times so it felt a bit predictable, but overall an original plot.

    Writing Style: 10

    As usual your style is nearly impeccable. I believe I noticed a few errors; but out of all of us, I believe yours was written the best. Great flow to this tale and I never once stopped because of an awkward sentence or misspelled word. Kudos. Is it just me, or did Batboy just use a semicolon correctly? Will wonders never cease?

    Theme: 8

    So I guess I'm just a touch confused by some of the thematic elements within your story. The “fetus of doom” seemed to be more of a fetus of goodwill and restoring peace to the world. Albeit a few died during the birth of the baby, this wasn't directly caused by the baby, but by the apparition.
    Horror is made up to a large extent by the assumptions people make. There's no single thing going bump in the night that can't be made ten times worse by a raging mob and a few spare pitchforks. That's the point here.
    As far as “cosmic horror” goes, I assume it was Viola. I'm not sure why but she never struck me as the cosmic horror I had in my head. I guess I felt she could have been more menacing. She was so close, but just fell short in my opinion. I actually really enjoyed her as a character however. Overall, a solid effort. It wasn't just Viola. It was the sum total of all the damage done to the world and everything still unknown by a fearful and essentially helpless bunch of people. I guess that wasn't as obvious as I thought it was.

    **Enjoyment: 9

    This was simply a great story. I also believe I liked it so much because it actually had an ending! That is so rare in any of the stories on this site, so it is always refreshing to know that this story had a true conclusion. I'm not left wondering and I appreciate that. The apparition appearance genuinely made me feel a bit uneasy. My imagination tends to run and I imagined this truly abhorrent visage of an old hag ghost. Yo mama.How you described it was perfect. A few of the characters felt a bit cliché to me and I wish there was more back story or information on what had gone on in this world. The day you see me including a lengthy prologue spoon-feeding the reader everything they need to know about my created world, I sincerely hope someone will put me out of my misery. Probably would have taken the reader out of the flow of the story you were attempting to convey, but I've always been a sucker for lore. a.k.a. literary crutches for lazy authors and even lazier readersThis world would have been perfect for that too, considering how unique it was. Overall, a fantastic job!

    Rover of Sands – Vesnicie

    Writing Style – 9.5: In the limited number of pages I feel like Ves attained more character development in more character than just about anything else I’ve read from her. Really? Er, ok.

    Plot/Creativity – 9: This was a really cool setting to work the theme into. I dug the post-apocalypsy thing this had going on. And it was even an original idea that I hadn't read about or played before!I also thought it was really cool (and I guess this goes under writing style) how she introduced us to the setting without rubbing our faces in it. Thank you, Jesus. I mean Poop. It’s refreshing when authors treat their readers as though they are capable of thinking for themselves. Hallelujah amen. But, hey here’s a reader that was too stupid to figure something out: in the two endings where you either assist in the delivery of your baby or fight some dudes so that the baby can be delivered… Exactly who/what was evil? The assumption I walked away with was that the combination of baby and witch-mom had conflicting hormones which cause they crazy-shit to happen; thus when the baby was born everything is fine again. That the apocalypse was restored due to the mating of the ‘good’ with the ‘evil’. Well, sort of. There was certainly danger in the combination of factors at play. That doesn't mean the mother was herself evil, however. Viola is pretty much all sugar and spice, more an unwilling conduit than anything else. I'm not sure if the further endings I have planned will make this much clearer. I'm a sucker for mystery and endings that can be interpreted in more than one way.

    Enjoyment – 8: I enjoyed this more as the story went on but found a little of the early pages to be a little dry. I didn’t like the O’Toole character much at first, and that may have a lot to do with it.Good, I'm glad it was dry. As dry as the sands. As dry as these people whose minds can't think juicily anymore because they're so worn out and thirsty and tired. Kudos, me.

    Theme – 8.5: The marriage of theme to the setting was wonderful. Oddly, it seemed natural, despite how unnatural the whole thing was.
    People say that about me in general quite frequently.

    Concerning the worthy Infinite tale ROVER OF THE SANDS, the following:

    For “plot and originality”, I grant you ten (10) points. This may count twice, please.

    My dear lady Ves, I am in awe of your literary talents. You have such a tantalizing turn of phrase, a way of painting so vividly with each keystroke that a bear like me finds himself quite dazzled. High praise, Bear kid. Thanks.

    For “theme”, I grant you nine (9) points.

    Oh my heavens, the cosmic horror is upon us! What a lurking, insidious grip this forsaken world of sand and storm slowly asserted upon my poor little bear’s heart. The fetus of doom was even more interesting. Was the child actually a force for good? A messiah? You and Poop seem to be on the right thread here.I believe that Vesnicie was pointing out the problems in any society that could seriously conceive of such a concept as a "fetus of doom". The single sacrificial lamb must cleanse the many of their sins and mistakes. You are one fart smucking bear.

    For “grammar and style”, I grant you ten (10) points.

    Again, this little bear is overawed. As an aspiring poet myself, I see a great deal of the lyrical in your writing. You have moved beyond merely implementing words to tell a story, making the very method of delivery an important part of your art. May I call you a prose poet? No, I don't deserve the title. But thanks anyway.

    For enjoyment, I grant you nine (9) points.

    There is nothing sadder than being utterly enraptured by a story when suddenly it ends. I hope I am not being a pettish little bear when I say this, admitting as I must that truncated terminations are vexatious to me. I am not blaming you, my lady! I only wish there were more of you to go around!
    Head swells and explodes. You really are the sweetest thing ever, Bear. I don't know how you can stand it here.


    Writing Style: 10
    Plot/Creativity: 8
    *Enjoyment:* 18
    Theme: 7

    I did find this story to be quite an entertaining read. I was originally confused about the time period it was set in - but I think I knew by the time I reached the end. Really? You know more than me then.There was a nice grouping of endings, but I felt there weren't as many choices as there could have been - it read a little bit more like a novella than an Infinite Story in parts. Word. Still, I did feel that quite a lot of effort went into this. It was quick and easy to read. Very well-written. I'm not sure the themes were utilised as well as they could have been, but that's probably my own opinion. It didn't detract from my enjoyment of the story and the fact that I felt the world created was really intriguing... even if I would have liked a bit more background about the world and what had happened in it Well, you'll have to check back in later to see the finished paths, which I'm sure will offer a better idea of what's happened. As mentioned above though, don't expect any separate lore pages or conveniently hidden diaries. There may be a scrap or two of writings on the subject to be discovered in the Captain's quarters, but that's about it...

    Thanks to everyone who rated this year, especially to Cat who kind of saved our asses because we were actually quite short on ratings. Hope to see you in the contestants' pool next year. The water is fine.
    Last edited by Vesnic; 03-16-2015, 12:13 PM. Reason: Grammar Nazism bordering on OCD.
    My sanity, my soul, or my life.

  • #2
    The funny thing is you even had some lore related pages in your story, but you took them out for some reason. How the character would stumble upon them in the Captain's quarters would have been perfect. It would have made sense within the story and wouldn't have felt tacked on.

    I liked those pages; I thought they were interesting. I don't think it is indicative of a lazy author or reader. I think it is indicative of an author who cares to expand their world to readers who desire more, because they are so interested and invested in the world. They crave more. Certain fandoms have wikipedias dedicated to lore of certain fictions. I think that is a testament to the creator that the fans want to consume every scrap of information they can.

    Apparently all of that is an egregious sin to you, so I don't expect that to change. To each their own. I don't fault you for it; everyone likes different things. I also think it's cool NOT to explain anything as well. Just in this circumstance I wanted it because I liked the world. SORRY FOR LIKING YOU VES! You make all the boys cry, don't you? I'm just a lazy, plebeian neanderthal to you! Why can't you open your heart to me and accept my love?!

    Also, Lord of the Rings. Exposition city.


    • #3
      Again... correct on my ratings. I'm one of those readers (or viewers, when it comes to films) who like to have explanations so I'm left with a, 'At least I know what on Earth was going on' feeling by the end. I did hope to have something to enter for this contest, but my inspiration fizzled out.

      There's a current IS that I'm working on that I started roughly a month ago, so I'm kind of hoping that I can adapt it to meet DEP's theme. Otherwise, I'm not sure what will happen.


      • #4
        Originally posted by BatCountry View Post
        SORRY FOR LIKING YOU VES! You make all the boys cry, don't you? I'm just a lazy, plebeian neanderthal to you! Why can't you open your heart to me and accept my love?!
        Because I'm a flint-hearted ice queen who would just as soon while away her long days and endless nights in unbearable solitude as open her heart to the love of a good man. A tragic figure, really, and one who is only interesting while still in her sexual prime. After that she just turns into the villain from a fairytale, the very hag who sent tremors through your titties.

        As for Tolkien...nah, don't get me started. All I'll ask is: does it give me nerd points that in my murky past I have played the roles of both Elrond and Thranduil? Even my ex told me I'd make a cute little elf as he was desperately attempting to get me on the WoW bus.
        My sanity, my soul, or my life.


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