Tweet
I hate...
Everything and everyone right now. In a dispassionate, loving sorta way.
Not in a creepy kind of way. In a completely legitimate.... '"it's nothing personal but you're human, and I hate humanity, because we suck" kinda way....
I have been attending AA meetings lately.
For awhile. Actually. I get off on them. I don't agree with everything....but....
I get off on them.
I was recently selected to chair a meeting AND share. So I did, I thought people would go running for the hills after hearing some of my prepared shit I have to share.
But everyone came flocking to me....like....
I dunno. I even had a girl approach with me the unlikely name of Griffin.
She was alright, I guess, a hippy chick...
I'm just....
Too tired...
I had to go on a long hike after this. But I figured I'd share what I wrote with you all. Since you all are humans...I think....
I shared part of this with Ves I while back, but this is the "finished" version.
"No one I think is in my tree." - John Lennon (from Strawberry Fields Forever)
I don't like talking about religion or politics or all that stupid shit, but I feel I have no other course of action at this point in my recovery, and after reading this far into the Big Book. I need to be honest about something with some other humans. And so I will. Usually when I'm honest with people their eyes glaze over and before long they're snoring or nodding out. Sometimes they just get a distant look in their eyes as their anger toward me and the words coming out of my mouth consumes them. You know the look. And then they begin yelling lots of bad words. And they strangle me or throttle me or... well, you get the point...
Truth hurts. So do stranglings and throttlings and pummelings.
So I tell lots of quaint little lies to all of the quaint little people who infest my quaint little life. And I bottle my own anger into a quaint little blackhole in my gut I call "my bottomless well of hate and despair and unresolved childhood issues and sexual frustration and chronic stupidity".
So here's some truth. Are you excited? No? Good. You shouldn't be. Your eyes should be glazing over fairly soon. Give it a minute.
Truth is....I don't like labels. Well, I don't like being labeled. That being said, if I had a dime for every time I've tried to classify the surging, throbbing, smelly mass of humanity that surrounds me with a word or a catchy phrase...I would have lots and lots of dimes. And I would probably spend those dimes on some bottom shelf vodka.
So I'm completely comfortable accepting the fact that I am an alcoholic of the hopeless variety.
Labels like 'agnostic' and 'atheist', however, make me thoroughly uncomfortable. My entire life I have felt completely isolated from the rest of society by my views on existence, which stand in stark contrast to the appalingly simplistic ones I am constantly bombarded with.
My parents were missionaries. I was preaching the gospel in the amazon jungle of Peru when I was twelve. Seriously. I still go to church just about every Sunday with my mom and pretend that I am a Christian, saved from an eternity in Hell because Jesus died on a cross for my sins. I do it because I love her, not because I accept the almost childish rhetoric I am force fed from that pulpit.
I howl with the wolves. At church I howl. At work I howl. At AA meetings I howl. I howl with the wolves because I have to. I live in a society where I either have to howl with them or be torn apart by them. My understanding of God is that the God of my understanding defies understanding.
The God of my understanding is a truth that defies human logic in our current state of existence. We cannot define it or confine it into our quaint little brains. We try to cram truth into a box we call religion or science or what the fuck ever we went to call it - and it's all a bunch of bullshit. We need answers. Nice little answers that we can cram into a nice little box and then tie a nice little ribbon around it. But unfortunately the confines of our human perception limit our understanding. Life is one big fucking unanswered question after another.
That's just the way it is.
Accepting a 'higher power' in the context of the twelve steps is something I struggle with. I reject it because I do not feel that science and spirituality are mutually exclusive, and rational objectivity is not something I need to be ashamed of. There is no higher power. There is only one truth. Call it God, call it whatever. I would elaborate some more on my fascinating views of this fascinating subject...but fascinating peoples' eyes start glazing over whenever I do so.
So fuck it.
I'm sorry, but I'm not the one who brought up the subject. The subject of God and all that jazz is a common thread throughout everything I've read and heard in this program thus far, however, and I felt that it needed to be addressed honestly before I could continue.
If I find God it will probably be a fleeting vision or some kaleidoscope or wheel of colors and meaning that transcends all explanation while tripping on mushrooms or some stupid shit like that. There are no "ah-ha" moments for me.
I'm sorry.
All that being said, I am definitely powerless over alcohol. I guess I will say that my higher power is my love for my family which has been a very big part of why I am trying to grow up and act like a man for the first time in my life. Love is my higher power. So God is love, I suppose. I guess that will suffice.
Every sentence in the Big Book of AA applies to my life, so I'm not sure where to go from here. I am powerless over alcohol because....well....you've heard it all before.
I've tried drinking like a normal person again and again and again and again.
In the back of my mind I do still have a lurking notion that I will be able to drink again and walk along the all-you-can eat buffet line of drugs. Why? Because I fucking like drugs. I am a fucking lunatic. I eat mushrooms and smoke meth and swallow pills and drink alcohol and go running barefoot through the hills because it's fucking fun and I am fucking stupid.
My only hope is love, I guess. Or something. Love is the only answer. Or something. Because true love is unselfish love. Or something. True love requires wisdom and diligence and responsibility put into action.
Or something.
I shared more after that. And it's not really that profound.
I feel like I'm always howling......
No one....
No one.....
Is in my tree.....
Everything and everyone right now. In a dispassionate, loving sorta way.
Not in a creepy kind of way. In a completely legitimate.... '"it's nothing personal but you're human, and I hate humanity, because we suck" kinda way....
I have been attending AA meetings lately.
For awhile. Actually. I get off on them. I don't agree with everything....but....
I get off on them.
I was recently selected to chair a meeting AND share. So I did, I thought people would go running for the hills after hearing some of my prepared shit I have to share.
But everyone came flocking to me....like....
I dunno. I even had a girl approach with me the unlikely name of Griffin.
She was alright, I guess, a hippy chick...
I'm just....
Too tired...
I had to go on a long hike after this. But I figured I'd share what I wrote with you all. Since you all are humans...I think....
I shared part of this with Ves I while back, but this is the "finished" version.
"No one I think is in my tree." - John Lennon (from Strawberry Fields Forever)
I don't like talking about religion or politics or all that stupid shit, but I feel I have no other course of action at this point in my recovery, and after reading this far into the Big Book. I need to be honest about something with some other humans. And so I will. Usually when I'm honest with people their eyes glaze over and before long they're snoring or nodding out. Sometimes they just get a distant look in their eyes as their anger toward me and the words coming out of my mouth consumes them. You know the look. And then they begin yelling lots of bad words. And they strangle me or throttle me or... well, you get the point...
Truth hurts. So do stranglings and throttlings and pummelings.
So I tell lots of quaint little lies to all of the quaint little people who infest my quaint little life. And I bottle my own anger into a quaint little blackhole in my gut I call "my bottomless well of hate and despair and unresolved childhood issues and sexual frustration and chronic stupidity".
So here's some truth. Are you excited? No? Good. You shouldn't be. Your eyes should be glazing over fairly soon. Give it a minute.
Truth is....I don't like labels. Well, I don't like being labeled. That being said, if I had a dime for every time I've tried to classify the surging, throbbing, smelly mass of humanity that surrounds me with a word or a catchy phrase...I would have lots and lots of dimes. And I would probably spend those dimes on some bottom shelf vodka.
So I'm completely comfortable accepting the fact that I am an alcoholic of the hopeless variety.
Labels like 'agnostic' and 'atheist', however, make me thoroughly uncomfortable. My entire life I have felt completely isolated from the rest of society by my views on existence, which stand in stark contrast to the appalingly simplistic ones I am constantly bombarded with.
My parents were missionaries. I was preaching the gospel in the amazon jungle of Peru when I was twelve. Seriously. I still go to church just about every Sunday with my mom and pretend that I am a Christian, saved from an eternity in Hell because Jesus died on a cross for my sins. I do it because I love her, not because I accept the almost childish rhetoric I am force fed from that pulpit.
I howl with the wolves. At church I howl. At work I howl. At AA meetings I howl. I howl with the wolves because I have to. I live in a society where I either have to howl with them or be torn apart by them. My understanding of God is that the God of my understanding defies understanding.
The God of my understanding is a truth that defies human logic in our current state of existence. We cannot define it or confine it into our quaint little brains. We try to cram truth into a box we call religion or science or what the fuck ever we went to call it - and it's all a bunch of bullshit. We need answers. Nice little answers that we can cram into a nice little box and then tie a nice little ribbon around it. But unfortunately the confines of our human perception limit our understanding. Life is one big fucking unanswered question after another.
That's just the way it is.
Accepting a 'higher power' in the context of the twelve steps is something I struggle with. I reject it because I do not feel that science and spirituality are mutually exclusive, and rational objectivity is not something I need to be ashamed of. There is no higher power. There is only one truth. Call it God, call it whatever. I would elaborate some more on my fascinating views of this fascinating subject...but fascinating peoples' eyes start glazing over whenever I do so.
So fuck it.
I'm sorry, but I'm not the one who brought up the subject. The subject of God and all that jazz is a common thread throughout everything I've read and heard in this program thus far, however, and I felt that it needed to be addressed honestly before I could continue.
If I find God it will probably be a fleeting vision or some kaleidoscope or wheel of colors and meaning that transcends all explanation while tripping on mushrooms or some stupid shit like that. There are no "ah-ha" moments for me.
I'm sorry.
All that being said, I am definitely powerless over alcohol. I guess I will say that my higher power is my love for my family which has been a very big part of why I am trying to grow up and act like a man for the first time in my life. Love is my higher power. So God is love, I suppose. I guess that will suffice.
Every sentence in the Big Book of AA applies to my life, so I'm not sure where to go from here. I am powerless over alcohol because....well....you've heard it all before.
I've tried drinking like a normal person again and again and again and again.
In the back of my mind I do still have a lurking notion that I will be able to drink again and walk along the all-you-can eat buffet line of drugs. Why? Because I fucking like drugs. I am a fucking lunatic. I eat mushrooms and smoke meth and swallow pills and drink alcohol and go running barefoot through the hills because it's fucking fun and I am fucking stupid.
My only hope is love, I guess. Or something. Love is the only answer. Or something. Because true love is unselfish love. Or something. True love requires wisdom and diligence and responsibility put into action.
Or something.
I shared more after that. And it's not really that profound.
I feel like I'm always howling......
No one....
No one.....
Is in my tree.....