Feed my ego, you little shits

[MikaelL]

That's right. Time to feed me some good ol' el critisismo.

Tell me what you think. I need a little something to keep me going, since I'm losing interest and I don't want to. I want to finish this.

So no matter how negative, crushing, politically incorrect or even positive your feedback is, tell me. It doesn't even have to be constructive! C'mon! Give me your best shot, you pathetic, sad excuses for human beings. Show the angry finn what you're made of!

http://www.infinite-story.com/story/4162/

Also, I started a new story. Take a look at the first room I made a half an hour ago, please. Having two projects at the same time might be a good idea, since I can switch between them when I feel like the other one's getting on my nerves.

http://www.infinite-story.com/story/4211/

All gay and no hay makes jack a dull boy.

[apotheosis]

The first story:

Positives:

-I like the plot, or at least the plot that has been revealed thus far.
-Straight forward, writing to the point and not muddled
-I like the protagonist
-Good use of the format infinite-story provides. Has a small amount of "game-like" elements but still focuses more on the story
-Does not branch off too quickly and get diluted

Negatives:

-The writing itself gets a bit annoying, especially in the beginning as it follows the formula "You blah blah blah. You blah blah blah. You blah blah blah. You blah blah blah. You blah blah blah." I feel like things could be reworked in the beginning so it is less you simply listing things about the character to introduce him and the plot and using the word "you" as bullets for your list.
-There were a couple of obvious spelling mistakes that a spell checker should be able to pick up.
-Not super original, but that's okay so long as you do it well.

Overall, I like it, keep working on it.



As for the second work, not enough there to comment on.

[ChubbyTeletubby]

I love it, man.

Yes, there were a couple simple spelling mistakes a spell check could have picked up. Hardly mentionable. Slightly annoying, yes.

But really, I love the feel. The blandness. The gritty realism.

Two thumbs up.

Bravo.

[MikaelL]

Yes, the "you" problem. The result of me not being able to come up with alternatives to sentences and still wanting to keep them all. You know, It's irritating when you have a good idea on your head but it just doesn't come out like you want it to. It's like trying to press juice out of a rock.

I hope I've overcome it by at least a little, since I noticed it was a more of a problem early on. Sometimes I feel embarrassed by the older pages I've written when I read through them. I find errors and oddities that are either dumb, childish or just plain horrible.

It's weird to notice how quickly one's writing evolves, even during such a short time.

More please.