This is the story that almost didn't happen. I came up with this concept very early on, but I could never quite figure out how to make it work. The digital world was too perfect- wouldn't boredom set in almost instantly? Is there even a need for currency? And what about the real world? Is anyone still there? Is it just a small group of stragglers? If so, why would they care about the servers? Is it an entirely separate civilization? If so, why would they be entering the servers? It took me a long time to hammer out all of these details. I'm not sure how many of them made it into the story, but... at least I know the answers.
I was pretty excited, until I realized I was staring at a story which was depressingly identical to Rentyre. How many body swap stories can a guy write, anyway? Is there even a conflict here? It took several drafts before I included two real/server people, instead of just Trent. And what about the complete freedom of the server world? There are an unlimited number of choices that Isaac could make in between the story's start, and the moment he gets uploaded. It's a CYOA- I have to include some of those options. But on the other hand, they completely derail the plot and I absolutely didn't want to write them. I developed another story. And then, I came up with the idea of the cranky narrator. Suddenly, the entire story clicked into place. The tone lightened in a few places, and the whole thing just... worked. I think it also helped that I wrote the story into the text field, instead of writing it in Word and pasting it in. My grammar suffered a bit, but the writer's blocks were severly lessened.
...You're an idiot. No, really, you're an idiot. Not that I'm complaining, but... I'm getting that many points for 'needs more rooms'? You can't even say anything else about it? And let's not even start talking about the themes. I don't know how managed to miss the other... actually, nevermind. It makes sense. You're an idiot. Do you recall how the characters exist in virtual reality? They were born there. That means they weren't human. Non-human protagonist was one of the themes. (A protagonist is a main character of a story.) The other two themes used were Utopia and Dystopia. You'll learn more about those in high school, so I won't spoil your fun.
I'm glad the coding language made sense. I pretty much had to include it, but there really wasn't any way to have the characters explain something which was such a basic part of their lives, so it had to be simple enough to understand on its own. I based it off of the vague details I remember from a C++ class I took, so I briefly wondered if it might be too complicated. I'm also a big fan of how it doesn't work in the real world- I'm glad someone else appreciated it.
I will freely admit the whole Trent/Alistair scene is kinda weird. I wanted the reader to be able to solve the puzzle on their own, which meant I had enough to have enough details that a solution was even possible. Add that to the time it took to set everything up... yeah, it was awkward.
I... didn't realize that Isaac and Vince were asshats? Well, they definitely have their quirks and flaws. I'd never be able to write dialogue for them otherwise.
It's funny you say that- the pranks are definitely on opposite parts of the spectrum for a reason. For that choice, Isaac really could have done anything, so it was a bit hard trying to decide which pranks to include. Is it vulgar for vulgar's sake? Well, yes. But so are teenagers. I think it works.
I'll freely admit that the first half of the story is fairly linear. But, really- it's all happening inside of a server. Why should it affect anything? And I'm a big fan of stories where the character's choices are limited. No matter what Isaac does, Trent will always crash the server, and Alistair will always try and take Trent's body. Isaac might be able to change some of the outcomes, but he'll never be able to affect the other characters' free will.
I was pretty excited, until I realized I was staring at a story which was depressingly identical to Rentyre. How many body swap stories can a guy write, anyway? Is there even a conflict here? It took several drafts before I included two real/server people, instead of just Trent. And what about the complete freedom of the server world? There are an unlimited number of choices that Isaac could make in between the story's start, and the moment he gets uploaded. It's a CYOA- I have to include some of those options. But on the other hand, they completely derail the plot and I absolutely didn't want to write them. I developed another story. And then, I came up with the idea of the cranky narrator. Suddenly, the entire story clicked into place. The tone lightened in a few places, and the whole thing just... worked. I think it also helped that I wrote the story into the text field, instead of writing it in Word and pasting it in. My grammar suffered a bit, but the writer's blocks were severly lessened.
Writing: 10, You've written the story well, either there was no mistakes, or I just missed them.
Plot: 10, Far as I know, original, there should be more rooms.
Enjoyment*: 9, Needs more rooms.
Themes: 6, The only Theme I could see was virtual reality.
Plot: 10, Far as I know, original, there should be more rooms.
Enjoyment*: 9, Needs more rooms.
Themes: 6, The only Theme I could see was virtual reality.
Writing Style - 9
Plot/Creativity - 10
* Enjoyment - 8
Theme - 9
“quaint reconstructionist habits of the old ways helped past the time.” (pass the time)
Door==#Isaac's_Bitchin_Sweet_House_Hell_Yeah hahaha. Awesome. I love how you never got around to explaining how the door portal and code thing worked but still managed to make sure that the reader understood how it worked. Very nicely done.
While berating the reader (nice touch by the way, very classy) you manage to screw it up. “Why on earth would Isaac chose to delete him on a whim?” Don’t you mean “choose,” you dickhole. You’re slipping sucki.
Vince dialogue = gay; funniest shit ever. I read that room twice. Great stuff. The tutu on the other one was ‘meh’ on a 1-10 scale.
Your inter character dialogue is nice. Isaac and Vince seem to have a keen familiarity with each other. The commands from Isaac once he’s ‘awake’ was well written, amusing with a slight edge of tension.
Interestingly, when I read the name “AL” I read it as “ai”. Hard to distinguish the two in caps in this font.
Usucki, you have a knack for putting complete asshats into difficult situations. I think it’s easier to bond with jackoff characters anyway, so this is definitely a good thing.
There were parts, like the Trent/Alistiar/Vince argument/conversation that felt like it just went on for too long. It was confusing for a bit, which I’m sure was quite by design. But it just seemed to drag on.
This was an interesting tale, for sure. You managed to make the real world seem foreign and the digital world seem natural. No small task. Another well written story.
Plot/Creativity - 10
* Enjoyment - 8
Theme - 9
“quaint reconstructionist habits of the old ways helped past the time.” (pass the time)
Door==#Isaac's_Bitchin_Sweet_House_Hell_Yeah hahaha. Awesome. I love how you never got around to explaining how the door portal and code thing worked but still managed to make sure that the reader understood how it worked. Very nicely done.
While berating the reader (nice touch by the way, very classy) you manage to screw it up. “Why on earth would Isaac chose to delete him on a whim?” Don’t you mean “choose,” you dickhole. You’re slipping sucki.
Vince dialogue = gay; funniest shit ever. I read that room twice. Great stuff. The tutu on the other one was ‘meh’ on a 1-10 scale.
Your inter character dialogue is nice. Isaac and Vince seem to have a keen familiarity with each other. The commands from Isaac once he’s ‘awake’ was well written, amusing with a slight edge of tension.
Interestingly, when I read the name “AL” I read it as “ai”. Hard to distinguish the two in caps in this font.
Usucki, you have a knack for putting complete asshats into difficult situations. I think it’s easier to bond with jackoff characters anyway, so this is definitely a good thing.
There were parts, like the Trent/Alistiar/Vince argument/conversation that felt like it just went on for too long. It was confusing for a bit, which I’m sure was quite by design. But it just seemed to drag on.
This was an interesting tale, for sure. You managed to make the real world seem foreign and the digital world seem natural. No small task. Another well written story.
I will freely admit the whole Trent/Alistair scene is kinda weird. I wanted the reader to be able to solve the puzzle on their own, which meant I had enough to have enough details that a solution was even possible. Add that to the time it took to set everything up... yeah, it was awkward.
I... didn't realize that Isaac and Vince were asshats? Well, they definitely have their quirks and flaws. I'd never be able to write dialogue for them otherwise.
Writing Style: 9
Plot/Creativity: 8
***Enjoyment: 7
Theme: 9
The rooms were very well-written (not surprisingly, really) and there were some quite humorous moments in the story. The pranks Isaac can play on Vince are fairly amusing, although I have the feeling that one of them was included just to add a bit of vulgarity to the story.
The storyline is a very unique one, although it took me a little while to realise that everyone was stored online. It made everything make a lot more sense, although it also gives the opportunity for abuse of the system (which I suppose is part of the point. No society is perfect, no matter how hard it tries to be).
The themes were used very well and it seems that more than three were used in ways that worked and made sense. I did get quite a lot of enjoyment out of reading this story and I really should (when I have more time) read more of this user's stories.
Plot/Creativity: 8
***Enjoyment: 7
Theme: 9
The rooms were very well-written (not surprisingly, really) and there were some quite humorous moments in the story. The pranks Isaac can play on Vince are fairly amusing, although I have the feeling that one of them was included just to add a bit of vulgarity to the story.
The storyline is a very unique one, although it took me a little while to realise that everyone was stored online. It made everything make a lot more sense, although it also gives the opportunity for abuse of the system (which I suppose is part of the point. No society is perfect, no matter how hard it tries to be).
The themes were used very well and it seems that more than three were used in ways that worked and made sense. I did get quite a lot of enjoyment out of reading this story and I really should (when I have more time) read more of this user's stories.
Writing - 10/10
*Plot/Creativity - 19/20
Enjoyment - 8/10
Theme - 8/10
I also liked this story and read all of it. I liked that it was sort of a light and less threatening version of the Matrix. Deep into the rabbit hole they may go. It definitely utilized the whole high technology aspect of Scifi and I liked that. Unfortunately, there is very little choice in the story. While I did like and horribly abuse the options I wasn't supposed to choose, that left the only real choices to Vince in tuutuu or gay or Fantasy game or war game, which didn't affect the story at all. So, in short, it was a good story but lacked in the 'choose your own' category.
*Plot/Creativity - 19/20
Enjoyment - 8/10
Theme - 8/10
I also liked this story and read all of it. I liked that it was sort of a light and less threatening version of the Matrix. Deep into the rabbit hole they may go. It definitely utilized the whole high technology aspect of Scifi and I liked that. Unfortunately, there is very little choice in the story. While I did like and horribly abuse the options I wasn't supposed to choose, that left the only real choices to Vince in tuutuu or gay or Fantasy game or war game, which didn't affect the story at all. So, in short, it was a good story but lacked in the 'choose your own' category.
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