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The Shape of Silence

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  • The Shape of Silence

    The Shape of Silence

    burning bridges, watching ashes

    winter and wild wings,




    song, the only echo

    caught, escapist clouds

    burning bridges, watching ashes



    EDIT: probably didn't need a whole thread to itself.
    Last edited by Locke; 03-18-2012, 07:58 PM.
    Last edited by Locke; 06-27-2014 at 12:16 AM.

  • #2
    Naw, I'm glad you posted a new thread. Both the "Official Poetry Thread" and the "My Ex-Boyfriend is Dead" thread had gotten pretty stale and stank strongly of rotten eggs.

    Thanks for this delicate bit of verse. Very compact, almost terse, yet I read in it a warmth and a strength of feeling belied and yet magnified by its own delivery. It's like you're watching the same sadness happening yet again, and by now you understand it enough to see it as a form, and a rather lovely one at that. It reminds me actually of some of the old Japanese poetry that put the saddest feelings of longing and regret into images of nature and rhythmic language which enshrined these feelings rather than fighting or justifying them. Nice work.
    My sanity, my soul, or my life.


    • #3
      That's a thoughtful response (and appreciated, since I woke up regretting posting this, and it's a bit awkward. Poetry hangovers are the worst).

      I was looking for some criticism, though:

      I'm a little concerned that it's juvenile or too terse/simplistic

      "wild" bothers me and I may change it. I was thinking of the sound of wings originally, and I think I threw that in as a sort of placeholder.

      I've thought of transposing the title and the first stanza. Flows a little better, but takes something away from the repetition. Maybe there needs to be something else before "falling/into/one"? Or does the transposition solve that?

      Might be too much "falling." But the transposing does seem to space it out a little. I'll edit the initial post and see how it looks. Maybe that will only leave "wild" and the question of overall worth.

      EDIT: rhythm still feels off.

      It's like you're watching the same sadness happening yet again, and by now you understand it enough to see it as a form
      Either you're perceptive or I'm blatant. It's not catharsis, but there's a lot of this year in there.
      Last edited by Locke; 03-18-2012, 12:37 AM.
      Last edited by Locke; 06-27-2014 at 12:16 AM.


      • #4
        I kind of wish you'd kept up the original so that there was some basis for comparison. I reacted against your changes, mostly because you made the title too long for a short poem and because I actually thought the repetition was important to the structure of the original. You repeat the idea of watching things fall, creating an image of snow or rain, hence the nature element that I had mentioned in my first response. These things are by nature repetitive, and they seemed to be reflecting an experience which was likewise lived and relived. Life is like this, maddeningly same-ish and embarrassing when we keep messing up in the same way over and over again. You have now made an already slender poem downright anorexic. It's lost the kernel that made the original resonate.

        The only gripe I had with the original was that some of your word choices seemed a bit standard. There was nothing very daring or original in the language itself. Yet you used it and arranged it effectively so that, at least to me, it was saying something worth listening to.

        You're the kind of guy who likes to edit the hell out of things, and while this is probably a good thing for expository essays, it might hurt your poetry career. Yes, poetry is read with a critical eye just as everything else is, but it's a different eye and one that sees the world in its own way. It is very easy to rip apart poetry with all the forces of cynicism, the demands of structure, and the frustrations of incomprehension. Be careful you don't rip out its heart in the process.
        My sanity, my soul, or my life.


        • #5
          every word is a lie
          every mind is a gun, pointed in the wrong direction;

          people are ammunition, and they cost, and you pay,
          but words are cheap. save your breath.

          another idea in the chamber, pull the trigger
          let it out into the world

          show them the shape of desperation

          watch the silence spilling from their

          sightless eyes and drink

          until the cancer swallows the sun
          Last edited by Locke; 03-26-2012, 02:25 AM.
          Last edited by Locke; 06-27-2014 at 12:16 AM.


          • #6
            You may think thats the worst thing you ever wrote but don't beat yourself up. If someone said that to me with a knife to my throat I think I'd crap myself from fear. That poem just needs the right situation. Read that to a group of elderly people at the home and I'm sure they wouldn't want to be near you in a dark alleyway or in any alleyway for that matter. I like this poem because it has the right mix of crazy and strange, the cocktail of fear.

            Keep up the good work Locke. You scare those children. You scare them good. Let that cancer swallow the sun whole. Everyones a clown, waiting to die under the big top when the ringmaster deems them unworthy.


            • #7
              Would work as song lyrics as well.

              Probably grunge or punk. Not whiny enough to be emo and not violent enough to be death metal.
              Writing: It's more fun than a barrel of Ebola ridden monkeys!


              • #8
                keys flashing

                angels cry poetry

                and every teardrop is another verse,

                with white icons rising from the open
                ocean; it's only science

                at least, that's what they tell you.

                you shout your soul in a spray

                of ocean mist,

                and tears of passion

                color the sky
                Last edited by Locke; 04-13-2012, 03:11 AM.
                Last edited by Locke; 06-27-2014 at 12:16 AM.


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