Movies (recently seen)

[Vesnic]

The Muppets

I was beginning to run the risk of taking the word of Rotten Tomatoes as gospel truth. Time after time, I felt that I was at one with the great RT, that my mind harmonized with the frequency of the Grand High Tomatometer.

Then something happened.

Increasingly, I found myself asking "Huh?" in response to reviews. A new zeitgeist of charitableness seemed to be seeping into that old bastion of snark. Another thing occurred to me as well. A movie with a 98% tomato rating is not 98% good; it is just considered to be more good than bad by 98% of reviewers. I find this highly misleading and plan to sue RT at my earliest possible convenience.

This past Turkey Day weekend, I gathered up my dysfunctional family and, working on the sunny 98%-sure assurances of Rotten Tomatoes, dragged them off to the movies where we took in The Muppets. I thought it was a fail-safe way to keep us all from committing homicide for at least two hours on Sunday afternoon.

Wow, was I wrong.

I'm not saying that I murdered Auntie Mimi and stuck her dismembered body in a dumpster just because I saw a shitty movie. But I sure did want to. After a tortuously protracted string of previews and a superlatively unfunny Toy Story short in the Death by Disney mode, the big event finally began.

The plot in as few words as possible: Jason Segel has a freak homunculus brother who's a muppet and they decide to go on vacation to see the muppet studios in L.A. His girlfriend, poor long-suffering Amy Adams, (who, despite being 37 years old, a mother, and the owner of an impressive resume of big-girl roles is still not allowed to grow up) brings her usual sunshine and passive-aggressive finesse to the screen. Our three heroes arrive in L.A., where they discover the decrepit muppet studios in serious financial trouble, stumble upon sinister plans by the compound's new owner to drill baby drill under the site, introduce themselves to Kermit, come up with a half-cocked plan to save Muppetland, assemble the old gang, have adult relationship problems, sing childish songs, kidnap Jack Black and finally stage a massively dull telethon featuring lots of unnecessary cameos leading to the inevitable and inevitably improbable happy ending, despite the fact that they have only reached 1/10 of their fundraising goal.

Did I mention there are lots of forgettable songs strewn throughout? The movie could never quite figure out if it was trying to be farcical or sincere, and in the midst of all the waffling never succeeded at either one. The numbers weren't big and flamboyant enough to be muppet-worthy, but they were far too self-conscious to be taken seriously. It was during one of the duller ditties that the little monsters behind me started kicking in earnest at the back of my chair. I kept trying to concentrate, but it just wouldn't happen. Now, just a day after seeing this dud, I can't seem to put it back together in my mind at all, and I'm sure this isn't just because I dedicated a good half hour to turning around in my seat and beating down those little feet with my umbrella. You see, I can't even hold this review together. I think at some point this movie was trying to make a statement about the "trashification" of our culture and how only the stupid soulless shit makes it big these days; but the argument was put forth so feebly and unconvincingly that it just didn't fool me, or the other members of my family, or the bruised little bastards crying in the seats behind me, or probably even itself. There were nearly a dozen cameos in the film, in true muppet style, but not a one of them contributed anything of substance. Suddenly Doogie Howser was shown answering a phone and complaining that he should have been hosting. Then he was gone. Actually, come to think of it, that was the only time during those excruciating two hours that I actually remember laughing. Miss Piggy failed to deliver, as did Kermit, Gonzo, Animal, Rolf, Swedish Chef and all the other regulars from whom we've come to expect so much more. The movie was so frenetic and dissolved, never managing to genuinely reintroduce any of those beloved, flawed and furry creatures we love so dearly. And by furry creatures, I am not referring to Jason Segel's wang. In my opinion, anyone who has done a full-frontal dong extravaganza just isn't eligible to do a kiddie flick. Oh, fuck the kids. The truth is it was traumatizing to me. Every time he was on screen, all I could see was a huge talking wiener. A huge talking muppet wiener. The new muppet character wasn't named Walter. He was named Wiener, and he bore a striking resemblance to Jason Segel. In summation, the bad guys weren't bad enough, I didn't give a shit about the good guys, the musical numbers were eminently forgettable, and I swear to god, if you kick me one more fucking time, I will twist your little pigtailed head right off your fucking shoulders!

Don't see this movie. It was more bad than good, and only manages to look slightly passable against the background of the drooling shite cyclone constituting this year's movie selection. The people who made it don't need more money. If you want to see something truly worthwhile and full of characters who act like puppets on a string, go see Martha Marcy May Marlene. If you still have a yen for the Muppets, there's a lot of original stuff up on the Tube.

And in the privacy of your own home, you won't even get a foot up your ass when you watch it!

[Vesnic]

It's time for another movie review from your friend Veshy-poo!

Melancholia

I have long been a von Trier fan, ever since the day when I was home sick from school and tuned in to the IFC to catch the bleak and beautiful Medea. So inspired was I by this film that I named my first laptop after the Greek heroine and long pondered the wisdom of murdering one's own children just to get back at their daddy for finding someone younger and prettier to run off with.

Von Trier has been called gloomy and nihilistic, racist and vicious. Yes, yes, yes. I agree, at least to some extent, and I don't believe that all those words must have undesirable connotations. I don't really mind if he mumbles nonsense about Nazis as long as he keeps making challenging, irritating, elevating and mind-exploding movies. No one seemed to mind when they made a movie about Coco Chanel, despite the fact that it has been proven she not only liked the Nazis but went out of her way to collaborate with them. Why is it ok to be evil in an A-line suit while it's not ok to be magically troubled, yet unadorned? I think the answer is that people just can't stomach it when a celebrity, especially one of von Trier's stature, just doesn't give a shit what you think. The complete lack of sycophancy drives people to distraction; the sight of raw, unpretty, tumultuous talent acts like some sort of chemical irritant, and the backlash is severe.

While Melancholia has generally been well received, the fact that it has scored a full 20 points lower on Rotten Tomatoes than the aforementioned Muppet horror is unforgivable. What von Trier has achieved here is a perfect balance of temperament, a quiet yet insidious examination of a dark side too ineffable to be romanticized. I would not hesitate to call this his masterpiece. He has grown beyond the heavy-handedness of some of his earlier works and the pure visceral gross-out of the hideously unwatchable Antichrist to ascend to a new height of spiritual resonance. Anyone looking for a lesson in show, don't tell need look no further than this film. Those seeking ambiguity and the ability to determine their own sort of meaning from a true work of art will be likewise satisfied. Some have argued that Melancholia is a metaphor for depression, and indeed there are many ways in which it is a cinematic Dark Night of the Soul, beginning at the exterior level and moving ever inward even as the consequences grow to be literally astronomical in scope. Others have posited that the film is a comment on our times and society, and I believe this is so, but in a very non-didactic sort of way. The film hovers in a sort of nondescript time and place, so it is easy to apply its generalities to multiple specific situations. However, this very fluidity of applicability implies that interpretation cannot reasonably be limited, but must remain broad and open and perhaps for some, maddeningly inconclusive.

Besides the brilliant direction by von Trier, a great deal of credit is also due to the cinematography, musical score, and performances. Kirsten Dunst thrives in her role, though I think the true stand-out performance was by Charlotte Gainsbourg, who plays Dunst's long-suffering sister whose compulsively optimist energy serves as a gravitational counterpoint to Dunst's immobile nihilism.

There is so much more to say about this film on every possible level, but I'll just cut to the end now and say See it see it SEE IT!

[ChubbyTeletubby]

I shall!

Thanks for the great reviews!

[End Master]

Okay here's some half-assed reviews of some movies I recently saw.

Downfall

Yeah, this is the Hitler movie that everyone does Youtube parodies of. The funny thing is, I'm so out of the loop I didn't even know about the parodies until I stumbled upon them earlier this year. In fact I didn't even realize the movie was as old as it was (2004). For some reason I thought the thing came out like 2008-2009, of course they do so many movies about Hitler I can't possibly be expected to keep up with all of them. Anyway I read that it was one of the better Hitler movies, so I figured I'd check it out.

I'd have to go with the general audience on this one and agree that it is a really good movie. The overwhelming hopelessness of the situation was sufficiently grim. The delusional mindset (Germany might still win!) of a lot of his followers seemed to be captured pretty well along with those that were rightfully cynical about the whole affair and basically just waiting to die. Definitely liked how they had Hitler going back and forth between both of those mindsets and basically just saying "Fuck it, let all of Germany burn, they failed, not I!"

Certainly a better portrayal of Hitler than the one movie I saw where they had him kicking a puppy into mush just to reinforce the idea he was evil or something. They also did a good job of making actors look very much like the various Nazi elite.

The Devil's Double

In keeping with maniacs in power, this one was about Uday Hussein, or rather the guy that was forced to be his body double.

I'd heard about this one when it first came out, so it was one I had been interested in seeing for a while.

Overall it was okay. I've read enough about Uday before to know they probably weren't straying too over the top on the depraved stuff he was involved in. I think there was a weird complaint that the part where he fucked a tranny as being unecessary slander since as a Muslim he wouldn't have been doing that.

But considering he was torturing people to death, raping and killing little girls and fucking everything that moved in general, I don't really think it's completely out of the realm of possibility. He was hedonistic enough to try it and powerful enough that he could've gotten away with it with nobody stoning him to death or whatever.

Anyway like I said, it's okay. Sort of losing something towards the end though.

Superbad

While this had a bunch of actors I don't particularly care for, it was better than I expected. Still pretty standard stuff in the quest to get laid movies though. I think if they cut down on the scenes with their other friend and the cops and focused on a few more "wacky events" that occurred to the two protagonists I would've liked it more. Though I suppose Seth really wanted to be in his own movie a lot.

[Vesnic]

They also did a good job of making actors look very much like the various Nazi elite.

Tell me about it. The guy who played Goebbels was fifteen flavors of sexy, and I don't even usually go for the psychotic homicidal type. Interestingly, the actor who played him, Ulrich Matthes, was in another highly acclaimed WWII-era movie called The Ninth Day, except this time he was a Catholic priest forced to make a harrowing decision. Classic good vs. evil stuff. Made me proud to be a wafer muncher.

On a similar note, try taking this quiz: Which Nazi Leader Are You?

I got Rudolph Hess: in other words, too batshit insane to be truly evil. That fluffed my ego, it did.

[Hi! My name is: Katie]

I am Albert Speer!

You Scored as Albert Speer

You are Albert Speer. With a mind geared toward structure and engineering, you’re a natural administrator. You habitually use your skills to get in good with the top, and you’re generally given a lot of duties which you’re able to juggle with ease. Because of your ordered thinking, you’re extremely efficient and formidable, and may often be tagged to lead projects because of this. Despite your fresh-faced look, you are as much of a viper as the others with whom you nest and have no qualms about switching sides to stay with a winner; anything to make you look good.

Albert Speer
83%
Josef Goebbels
69%
Reinhard Heydrich
58%
Martin Bormann
58%
Adolf Hitler
56%
Rudolf Hess
47%
Heinrich Himmler
44%
Ernst Röhm
39%
Hermann Göring
25%

[End Master]

I got Heinrich Himmler (78%)

You are Heinrich Himmler. With your incredible grasp of Machiavellian politicking, your keen and calculating mind, and almost superhuman gift for organization, you have the potential to get far in life. The problem is that you may be almost obsessed with the dark side of life and death and don’t have a firm grasp of right and wrong. You’re a control freak, pure and simple. Everything in your life is scheduled, alphabetized and sanitary; God help anyone who messes that up. With your quiet little smile, people scarcely suspect you of great wrath, but you do not suffer fools gladly.

Works for me.

The other ones were ranked like this:

Gobbels 61%
Speer 56%
Bormann 53%
Rohm 47%
Heydrich 47%
Hitler 44%
Hess 39%
Goring 14%

Fun footnote: When Albert Speer was locked up in Spandau Prison he claimed that Rudolph Hess would routinely steal the other prisoners' socks for no apparent reason.

[Locke]

You Scored as Reinhard Heydrich

You are Reinhard Heydrich. ‘Live fast, die young and leave a good-looking corpse’ is your motto. You almost seem to have a death wish as you do nigh-suicidal things like drive your sportscar or fly your airplane too fast in treacherous conditions. Embodying the duality of the sign Pisces, you have two faces: at work, you’re cheerless, grim, brutal and violent; at home you’re sentimental, romantic, warm and affectionate. You are ambitious and wish to climb to the top of your chosen path in the shortest time possible. Despite this, you have a surprising weakness and talent for the Arts.

Reinhard Heydrich 53%
Rudolf Hess 47%
Josef Goebbels 44%
Hermann Göring 42%
Heinrich Himmler 39%
Albert Speer 36%
Ernst Röhm 36%
Martin Bormann 33%
Adolf Hitler 14%

[Dragavan]

I just watched Green Lantern (the live action one, for those who know that several animated ones also came out in the last year).

It was not as bad as many of the reports about it said it was... but it was not really good. It relied too much on the CGI and not on the acting and story. It worked for what it was, but what it was I didn't really want to see. It was nice to see they treated some of the supporting cast (like Sinestro and the other members of the GLC) with respect for the source material, but none of that would have mattered to non-comic geeks.

If I was going to give it a Netflix rating (which I am going to do, since I got it from there) I would have to put it at 3 stars. Totally middle of the road. Not good enough to suggest my friends see it, but not bad enough to ridicule it when talking about it with my friends. Totally not worth talking about either way.

[dreamshell]

Just caught up on some movies, too; Hanna, Eastern Promises and The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo. Interestingly, not a one of them took place in America, which was really quite refreshing.

Hanna
Hanna is a young girl who’s been raised by her father in some remote frozen wasteland. She’s skilled in hand-to-hand combat and archery, speaks several languages fluently and has an amazing retention of memory. But she’s also pining to know more about the world than what her father reads to her out of an encyclopedia. So her father gives her a transmitter that, once activated, will bring all kinds of hell down on them. With a flip of the switch, Hanna’s adventure begins…

I was unsure of this one when the trailers came out, so I never really made the effort to go and see it in theaters. But, man, do I wish I had now. Gorgeous cinematography, classic spy-fi tropes, weird, campy villains and a teenage girl trained to be an assassin. Also, a soundtrack composed by the Chemical Brothers. What’s not to love?

Eastern Promises
When a pregnant, drug-addicted Jane Doe gives birth and dies in her hospital, midwife Anna takes the young woman's diary, written in Russian, home in the hopes of finding someone to translate it. Determined to locate the new baby’s family, she eventually finds a clue leading her to the owner of a Russian restaurant, Semyon, who offers to translate the diary for her. She also crosses paths with Nikolai, chauffeur to Semyon’s son Kirill, who has connections to the vory v zakone. As she looks for answers, she soon discovers she is intruding on the business of the Russian mafia…

Though Anna’s role in the story is ultimately less interesting and kind of unnecessary, Naomi Watts does a solid job of it. But it's Viggo Mortensen who really shines as the enigmatic Nikolai. He proves his chops easily in the “bath house” scene with all its brutality and pud-flopping glory. Special mention also goes to Armin-Mueller Stahl who gives Semyon a depth he might not otherwise have had (not to mention bizarrely beautiful blue eyes - and yes, I am referring to an old German man’s eyes as beautiful).

The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo
Journalist Mikael Blomkvist, fresh from losing a case of libel charged against him by a powerful CEO, is hired by retired powerful CEO Henrik Vanger to investigate the disappearance of his favored 16-year-old niece, Harriet, gone missing 40 years prior. As Mikael begins his research, he is unwittingly sharing all that he learns with Lisbeth Salander, an antisocial hacker hired to dig up dirt on him but inadvertently has come to admire him. When Lisbeth sends him an email pointing him in the right direction, he tracks her down and suggest they put their heads together. Soon, they begin to delve deep into a series of ritual murders in the unlikeliest of places (Sweden) that lead them ever closer to the identity of the one they suspect is behind Harriet’s disappearance…

Ever since Let the Right One In, I’ve wanted to watch more Scandinavian cinema and this didn’t disappoint. There are some amazing and/or brutal scenes in this movie that showcase how great a character Lisbeth is; both resilient and cunning and a pretty capable fighter for her size and build. I hope the American remake does it justice, though since it’s Fincher at the helm, I feel pretty confident it will.

[dreamshell]

Hey, End Master, I saw Rubber. I liked it. d(^_^)

Another movie I saw a little while ago was Super, with Rainn Wilson. Great blackly comedic deconstruction of the "what if there were really superheroes?" idea. It's been done before with the more popular Kick-Ass, Defendor and even Watchmen, but Super might be my favorite take on it thanks to being so unflinchingly fucked up about it. Also, it's by James Gunn, who also directed Slither.

And I just got back a little while ago from seeing the Sherlock Holmes sequel. I found it as enjoyable as I did the first movie, though I'm not sure if I was expecting much. Fun dynamics between characters, some good action and I was happy with how they subverted the use of the slo-mo concept from that fight scene in the first movie. It was cool to see Jared Harris as Moriarty and Stephen Fry as Mycroft. Also Noomi Rapace, who played Lisbeth Salander in (the original Swedish) The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo had a minor role, which was a cool coincidence considering I'd just seen that movie. Nothing too special about her character, but the girl can clean up. My only major beef was how little there was of Rachel McAdams in this movie... and why. Still, I suppose they wanted to keep the Sherlock-Watson bromance alive and she'd just get in the way... I guess. All in all, I'd say I'm happier with the sequel to Sherlock Holmes than I was with the one to Iron Man.

[End Master]

And in honor of Kim Jong Ill's death, re-watched Team America World Police. One can only hope that the Dear Leader's son can prove to be just as much of a source of amusement! (Hasn't been a good year for dictators this year.)

I wonder if this will affect the new Red Dawn movie coming out since they changed the occupying enemy to North Korea. Still say they should've kept China as the invaders for it to be at least a little more plausible.

[End Master]

So I got the complete set of Batman The Animated series as one of my gifts and I've been watching them. Its been since the early 90s when I first saw them, but I think it still holds up as one of the best cartoon series of all time.

Katie also wanted to go see the new Tin Tin movie that came out, so we went and she ended up hating the movie. Surprisingly, I ended up not minding it despite not really having any desire to see it in the first place. I didn't really know anything about TinTin going into the film, but I kind of liked the fact that they didn't even bother explaining any of his background in the movie.

It was like: "This is Tin Tin, he's a teenager that gets into adventures, he's got a dog and fuck you if you can't keep up."

Overall it was okay due to the action sequences being well done, but it probably could've been a little shorter and it wasn't something I'd watch again.

[Vesnic]

I haven't seen any movies lately. There were several that I wanted to see, but never got to for various reasons, most of those having to do with various people bailing on me at the last minute. I am serious about my movies and I don't like it when people flake out because it was "only a movie after all. Just relax and I'll take you to Friday's." I don't need fucking fettuccine. I need Scorsese. Never got to see Hugo. Because someone fucking bailed on me. Now I am relegated to the ignominy of flying solo in front of my computer watching reruns of Sex and the City, which I had successfully ignored since graduating from college.

How is it that that cunt Carrie has a column which pays her enough money to buy fucking designer shoes every other day while I'm lucky to be able to afford a pot of rice for the translations that I slave over with the utmost care and precision. Why? I say. WHY?!

Yeah yeah I know this is the wrong thread, but you know, fuck that. So I had a few chocolate truffles tonight. So sue me. I'm the one who'll pay the ultimate price for it anyway. Fat pants, here I come. And I was doing so well, too. Shit.

Fuck you all. I want to watch a movie. More than that, I want to watch a good movie, in good company, with people who won't fall asleep, tune out, talk inanely or worst of all, force feed me more truffles.

[End Master]

Saw a Norwegian film called The Troll Hunter

Best "found footage" horror movie I've seen. I especially liked the fact that they showed the trolls rather than resorting to only show quick glimpses or not at all. It was cool to see a movie based on some of the folklore on the variety of trolls too and they even have a scientific way of explaining why they either explode or turn to stone when exposed to UV/sunlight.

Funny in parts as well. The Troll Hunter himself is really burned out on his job which is supposed to be a government secret, but when the student film crew won't stop following him, he's like "fuck it" and says they can tag along even when his superiors are continuing to yell at him about it.