Halloween

[ChubbyTeletubby]

What did you expect? This was me three years ago. I gained a few pounds and haven't waxed my body in six months.

[Vesnic]

Jesus Christ, why don't we just rename this thread

"Let's all Lick EndMaster's Hairy Balls!!"

It would be much more fitting. Humph.

[Locke]

Well, interestingly enough, a casual Google of "chubbyteletubby" returns a political bulletin of some sort with an image that looks similar. Then, there's this fellow smoking weed and blowing bubbles in someone's kitchen, and his face at least bears a vague resemblance. Still, just going by what you post on a regular basis, I find it hard to believe you look like that.

What did I expect? Well, before I answer that, first let me apologize in advance for being insulting, because there is simply no way to say this politely. As you read this description of yourself, please try to remember that you did ask for it, and you yourself put these images in my mind with your own posts. With that said:

ChubbyTeletubby: A Profile

Your most recent post in this thread represents one of your few lucid moments on the forum. Of the others, perhaps a third to half of them brag about your being wasted on alcohol and various drugs, and in the rest of them, you're clearly drunk and/or stoned. As everyone knows, weed gives a person the munchies, and those who drink heavily often are not the thinnest. "Chubby" is even in your forum name. Your IS story is "Crack Attack," and that doesn't help.

To get a vague image of what you look like in my mind, picture Barf, the Mog from Space Balls, relocate and downsize the ears, and add a number of pounds. You're not nearly as bad as Fat Bastard, but you're still a bloated man-blob of medium to slightly tall height. You have a round face (no freckles) and patchy blond hair you keep buzzed short. Your skin and complexion in general are bad. You never had too much acne trouble, but your skintone has always been pasty and blotchy. If the liver trouble has already hit you, it may be slightly yellow and jaundiced-looking. If not, give it time. You flirt constantly with acquiring type 2 diabetes.

Your hands and feet have medium to short digits, and are also somewhat chubby, with nails that are at intervals ragged from biting and a bit long. You have a large mole on the side of your neck. You usually wear old t-shirts and khaki shorts, which you sometimes do not bother to change. Your everyday speech is riddled with and often entirely consists of obscenity, and it's punctuated by the beginnings of a hacking smoker's cough. Your eyes (though constantly bloodshot) and your teeth are fine, though (I don't think you've done much meth in your life). A slight smell sometimes surrounds you (this is likely influenced by a guy I knew once who otherwise bears no relation to my image of you).

You drive an old and badly beat-up yellow car. It's small, though not extreme, possibly a Mazda or a Toyota Tercel, and smells of cigarette smoke. It has fan belt issues that make the engine sound a bit wheezy, and may (especially if it is a Tercel) burn oil. The leather seats, though once fairly nice, are starting to show their age, and there's some clutter on the floorboards and back seat though it's not excessive. You live in a rather seedy small house or apartment on the bad side of town with a constantly rotating cast of roommates and bad plumbing. It's not technically a high crime neighborhood, but there's always something going down. If you have a yard, it's mostly weeds; it is unfenced.

Inside your home is some rudimentary furniture, cheap and aged, like the carpet, but workable. There's a cramped kitchen area with yellowed and slightly dirty linoleum flooring. Your fridge actually has some good beer in it, though your roommates just like getting drunk, and when they chip in it's always for Bud Lite (you try to steer them away from Natty). You like dogs, but don't have any pets. The house is fairly cluttered as none of you really care that much. You have an impressive DVD collection; in fact, you buy one each time you go to Wal-Mart. One third of it is vulgar comedy; one third is excessively violent, the rest is an assortment. Your roommates sometimes complain that you stay up all night long drinking and smoking, mumbling obscenities at whatever is on. When you bother washing your clothes, you take them to the coin laundry on the corner and play arcade games while you wait.

You have some college education, though you haven't attained a degree. When you drink, you do it to get buzzed or drunk, and you consume whatever is available, though you prefer good dark beer or vodka. You work at a barbeque, though you're not content with it, and you've been looking to get a job in a bar. Your friends are delinquents and ne'er-do-wells, though they can be fun to hang out with. They spend too much time at your house.

As a child (an only child), you were fairly happy and had normal friends. You read comic books occasionally, but never really got deeply involved. You always liked the antiheroes, like the Punisher. Your parents were social drinkers only and did not abuse you, though they both worked so you had the daylight hours to yourself. You did not play sports or music. As a teen, your friends got into paintball and skateboarding, but you weren't interested, and you saw less of each other, though you'd occasionally smoke together. You spent a brief period of time trying to get into grunge, but it wasn't happening; you like rap. You never dated.

You won't have kids. In middle age, you'll be a manager somewhere, growing increasingly bitter and angry at the world. You'll live alone in a small but respectable house.

Endmaster will live roughly twice as long as you do. In your old age (early 50's) you will stay home on disability and amuse yourself in much the same way you do now. When you die of organ failure, you'll choose to have your remains cremated.

If a homeless man asked you for money, you would say something bitingly sarcastic to him, then spend the next ten minutes joking about the encounter.

If I had to relate you to a tragic figure, it would be Kurt Cobain.

[Usoki]

I dunno about you guys, but I kinda want Locke to do that for everybody.

[Locke]

Why? What do you care how I think about you? I mean, it's not like I'm doing you a favor by spelling it out; I basically just put up a page or two of straight insults to Chubby. They're honest insults, but still, reading back over it, that was actually rather caustic. To add to that, it probably makes for relatively dry reading. I'm some random guy on a forum, why put stock in my opinions and think, "this is how I look to the world"? I understand if you do find it diverting, but if you intend some sort of forum-wide honesty thing, what's the point? I've got to admit, hyprocritically enough, that I'd find such refreshing, knowing where everyone stood on everything, and I wouldn't mind seeing myself "profiled," but it seems like it might create a fair amount of bad feeling (that's not to say I think of everyone more or less negatively. I don't. Despite everything, even Chubby has grown on me).

Anyway, I could only mentally "flesh out" Ves and Apoth; I don't really have mental images of the others besides the ones I already posted. You now resemble the picture you posted in this thread (though that means I'm thinking of you as having a perpetual and rather unrealist shade of sunburn) where before you were a small Asian.

[End Master]

Hah, I'd rather be Oedipus than Kurt.

Oedipus killed a Sphinx and his dad and then fucked his mom. Kurt just fucked that junkie whore Courtney Love and killed himself.

He was a dumb ass for blinding himself though.

[Locke]

Kurt did less evil, caused less pain, and his life was overall less awful, I think. In terms of personal agony, the blindness really pushes Oedipus over the edge even if nothing else does. On the other hand, he did some real good with his life too before his sins caught up with him, while Kurt merely parlayed his negative thoughts into grunge. Personally, I couldn't commit Oedipus's evils or suffer his agony, even for the benefits it brought his people (of course, Creon turned some of that around). I never read the final play, "Oedipus at Colonus." Maybe something happens in that one that would change my thoughts, but I doubt it.

The incest never bothered me, by the way, at least not morally/ethically. I'll admit to being somewhat repulsed, though that reaction embarrasses me a little. As long as the relationship itself is "healthy" and there's no imbalance/abuse of power/status, if two people love one another, I see no reason to bar or denegrate their happiness. (curious word, denegrate. I wonder what the etymology is like?)

It's possible the things Oedipus did are magnified by his power, as all actions are in one way or another, but if you strip it down to the basics, I think self-destruction is usually less wrong than murder (the exception being when that "lifestyle" and suicide also completely ruin the lives of others); choosing death for yourself is morally better than forcing it on someone who didn't choose it. Oedipus didn't even kill Laertes for any good reason; the guy just wouldn't get out of his way so he could cross a narrow bridge first. I would probably try to go on with life if I were blind, but I'm really not sure it would be worth living, especially the way Oedipus lived it. From a purely selfish viewpoint, Kurt at least might've had some good times free from pain before he ended it. If it had to be one or the other, I'd go with him every time.

[ChubbyTeletubby]

*Cracks open a beer*
I must admit, that was thoroughly enjoyable, Locke. Usoki was right, you SHOULD do that for everyone. It’s fun comparing and contrasting the things you are simply dead WRONG on and the those on which you are eerily correct.

Let’s start, shall we? Shhh. Don’t answer. I’m sure this is mind numbingly boring for everyone else, but I’m going to systematically go through locke’s assessment of yours truly, line by line. So here we go:

Pay attention. This will be on the final.

You got the physical description part wrong; THANK GOD. I’m not Hitler’s master plan, don’t get me wrong. But I am a total stud. Well, not really. I’m not blonde, first of all. Though I do wear my hair short. And my skin complexion has always been pretty great. I have some not so distant native american roots, as does everyone on my mom’s side of the family. I don’t need to use sun screen and I’ve never had oily skin. I go through summer with a pristine tan. So there.

I’m not fat, and in fact up until a few years ago I was a twig. I have started gaining some excess pounds recently, testament to my beer consumption. I love hiking and climbing and can usually outpace anyone when going for treks in the Colorado Rockies (my last one was in May).

I'm 6'1", have long, spindly fingers and long feet. I keep my nails immaculately short. No mole on the neck. I don’t like khakis. People usually compliment me on my fashion sense. Nothing flashy, but I like to keep up appearances. I prefer black or gray.

I DO have an obscene mouth, but I know when to keep it under wraps. I don’t have a smoker’s cough. I don’t smoke weed that much anymore…never smoked cigarettes. My lungs are actually pretty healthy, though I did have asthma as a kid.

I wear glasses, my teeth are fine. Never had a cavity, although I DO need to go to the dentist to get my front tooth fixed. True story, a drunk Swedish lady jumped on my head while I was sitting in a Jacuzzi. This happened when I was 12, on a cruise ship in the Bahamas. I had work done, and they said I would need a root canal when I was 18. Haven’t been to the dentists since. I’m bad like that.

Fascinating, huh? But wait, there’s more!

I drive a jeep. It DOES burn oil. It’s white though, and runs pretty good. It’s gotten me to Colorado and back (a thousand mile trip each way) a few times without trouble. Had to replace the alternator, starter, and battery this year, though. Also some belt.

I like dogs, true. Don’t own one. I do have an incredible DVD collection, but I don’t buy anything I watch or listen to. I get it off bit torrent or other peer to peer programs. I don’t pay for computer software either. That’s just how I roll. One third IS humor, the rest is an assortment. I HATE most action flicks. Though this year I enjoyed Ironman and the new Batman (who didn’t?)

Oh, and my fridge actually DOES have some good beer in it, though my roommates just like getting drunk, and when they chip in it's always for Bud Lite. BRAVO! My house IS cluttered, but I’m an obsessive dish washer and laundry doer. I HATE dirty laundry. I HATE laundry mats. I do my laundry at home, always have, always will. Hopefully.

My roommates DO sometimes complain that I stay up all night long drinking and smoking, mumbling obscenities at whatever is on.

No college education, I dropped out in 11th grade. DID get my GED, though. Wish I would have applied myself right out of high school instead of just drifting along and getting into trouble with the law.

I DO drink whatever’s available. I prefer gin or bourbon nowadays to vodka. And I like ALL beer, lager, dark, unfiltered, pale, you name it. LOVE IT! YAY FOR BEER!

Didn’t start drinking heavily until about 3 or 4 years ago. Never had a DUI though. My driving record is completely spotless. Never got a ticket.

My criminal record? Not so spotless.

I’ve been working in construction off and on since I was 19. It’s what I’m doing right now. Although today I got laid off. Nature of the beast. Hello unemployment office!

No desire to work in a bar.

“As a child (an only child), you were fairly happy and had normal friends. You read comic books occasionally, but never really got deeply involved. You always liked the antiheroes, like the Punisher. Your parents were social drinkers only and did not abuse you, though they both worked so you had the daylight hours to yourself. You did not play sports or music. As a teen, your friends got into paintball and skateboarding, but you weren't interested, and you saw less of each other, though you'd occasionally smoke together. You spent a brief period of time trying to get into grunge, but it wasn't happening; you like rap. You never dated.”

Pretty fucking dead on. This was the part that was eerily correct. You pretty much hit the nail RIGHT on the head. EXCEPT I DID enjoy paintballing. I never dated. I got asked to the prom twice and reneged at the last moment both times. I could have donged my friends prom date but I didn’t.

Never really had a stable relationship, though. Couldn’t stand the thought of it. Still can’t, to this day. Girls mostly annoy me after a few weeks. Or more likely, I annoy THEM. I'm horrible with women...unless they're just really cool easy going sluts. I don't get laid very often nowadays, mostly because I set my standards too high. Also because I'm awkward in bars or clubs. I'm a very anti-social person, and have a fear of large crowds. This seems to be a more recent development. Seems to have something to do with this LSD I took when I was in my late teens. Seriously.

Kids, drugs are bad.

I do like rap more than grunge, although my musical tastes incorporate a WIDE range of styles. I like jazz, death metal, gangster rap, some pop, ska, some punk, some grung, alt rock, some country, some r&b…ect. Ect.

My iPod is testament to this. Favorite rapper: Eminem. Favorite band: sublime

I don’t want kids. And I hope I never have any. Never understood the appeal. Don’t know how long I’ll live. I drink too much, but I’m actually not as bad as I used to be and am looking to sober up even more.

I did mushrooms in May. I got them from some gay kid in Manitou Springs, a liberal oasis and hippy hang out in the otherwise ULTRA conservative Colorado Springs area. Probably the most potent mushrooms I’ve ever ate. I took them in the wilderness and just wandered around. Fantastic time. Saw some pretty amazing things and experienced some amazing visuals and sensations. Found a trail that led to this spire overlooking a wide canyon. Amazing.

Smoked some weed in may. Smoke a joint in July. Another one at my Uncle Mike’s farm a couple weeks ago. But my smoking habits are pretty lowkey. Haven’t done any meth in over a year. Haven’t done any pills in over a year.

When homeless people ask me for change, I give it if I have it. Might even talk to them for a while or smoke a doobie with them if I have one.

I AM bitter, depressed, and a bit manic. But I put a happy face on things.

So there you are.

[Usoki]

Why am I a cranky midget asian? Seriously. I don't see it. I'm definitely not one of those anime fan-freaks. The occasional series is okay, but I'm not nearly obsessed enough to, in my opinion, warrant an association with the culture.

And what's wrong with Oedipus? He had a damn good life up until he figured out he was bangin' his mom. And, though he freaked and blinded himself, he had Antigone and Ismene help him through his rough times. A lot of people tried to shun him, but once Theseus let him into his city, Oedipus lived the rest of his life in happiness.

[Vesnic]

Poor Usoki is really getting worked up about the androgynous Japanese midget with a bad attitude thing. This image stuck because your screen name sounded vaguely Japanese when I first encountered it and your icon is, well, really kind of...gay. So I thought at first that you were a girl. Upon finding out you were in fact a man, I shifted my image from female to simply androgyny. Oh, and I wanted to commend you on being so secure with your masculinity that you didn't think twice to use an icon that sent my (admittedly flawed) gaydar into high red alert.

Chubby, from your description of yourself, my desire to hump you has increased by approximately 35.42%. That is a statistically significant increase. However, I am beginning to think that you also play for the Colorado Rainbows.


*Sigh*

I promise I wouldn't get annoying after a few weeks! In fact, I would be annoying from Day 1, which means a.) no nasty surprises and b.) our desire to kill one another would make the affair that much more torrid and memorable.

[Locke]

Usoki: I didn't think you were a cranky midget, just a short Asian. It's probably the name and the avatar more than anything. And I tend to look at things on ethical grounds; that's why I chose Kurt over Oedipus. If I was just going to look at quality of life, then yeah, Oedipus had it good, until he agonizingly blinded himself. That would be most of my quality of life out the window; the living as a filthy beggar is just the icing on the cake. I never read the last play, but I can't think just living in relative comfort would make life bearable again. I'm strong enough to handle depression, and at least when Kurt killed himself, it was quick and probably relatively painless. I'd still choose him.

Oddly enough, though, if it was shoot myself or be blind for life, I'd choose blindness. Still, losing my sight would probably be pretty unbearable; I like to think I'd try to stay alive no matter what, but I can't be sure how I'd react to circumstances like those.

Chubby: I'm slightly surprised. You usually seem so inebriated, I couldn't picture you living a somewhat clean life. Of course, I knew you couldn't be as bad as I made out. You are my forum antithesis of sorts; my image was bound to be slanted. I wasn't trying to be "right" (and in this case it is nice to be wrong), just saying "when I think about you, this is what I see." I took some liberties, but tried to keep it "in character" with that image. You'll be pleased to know you've lost some weight, and had one or two of your more crippling diseases miraculously cured.

[ChubbyTeletubby]

You know how there's Marshall Mathers, Slim Shady, and Eminem?

That's really true for everyone. People are complicated. There's been times in my life that were so insane. When I blacked out entire days and went into true psycosis.

There's been times I was practically living in the gutter and stealing to survive.

My 'ChubbyTeletubby' is like Marshall Mathers 'Slim Shady'. It's a side of me, but it's NOT me.

I come to these forums late at night and just ramble like a blithering idiot, yet the next morning I'm just another average Joe, really. Nowadays at least. I work hard and think about this world and it's problems and worry.

I'm lost. That's all. No direction. And sometimes I vent here. Most of what I say I don't even believe. It's sorta like me just playing out my alter ego. Of course a lot of truth is said in jest, but it's mostly jest.

What's this shit about me playing catcher, Ves? That hurt my feelings.

You're mean and I'm not talking to you until Obama wins. We could never hump because smart women intimidate me. I like easy going sluts who laugh at my dumb jokes.

Usoki, dude, I thought you were a chick too...at first. That avatar either belongs to:

1. A gay
2. An asian
3. A 14 year old girl

Sorry, bro.

And Locke, you actually did a pretty good job with the childhood part. I'm surprised as well. Nicely done. It was fun. You should do that with other folks on here. It's very enjoyable having some complete stranger profile you.

[Vesnic]

All right, Locke, I think you need to do me next since you can mentally "flesh me out". Heh. Flesh me out.

[donteatpoop]

All right, Locke, I think you need to do me next since you can mentally "flesh me out". Heh. Flesh me out.

*heh* do her.

[Vesnic]

Somebody was looking at this thread so I looked at this thread too and chortled heartily at all the funniness that it was.

However, I see that Locke never "fleshed me out". I think now that he hates me a little bit less and knows me a little bit more (but not enough to be assured of getting much right), he should go ahead and do my write-up the way he did for End and Chubby.

Remember, Locke, I never did get that Secret Santa from you. Even the vile Michael Ray Holt did eventually deliver the SS he owed me.

And in return I shall...I shall...well what the heck do you want Locke my boy?