My vagigi soon to hemorrhage?

[Vesnic]

Nature has been sending me some very confusing signals. I am getting the scarlet flush, which usually means I am ovulating. However, my period is due in just a couple of days, so it would seem a little late in the cycle for this. What could possibly be going on? Are my hormones making a comeback? When will the socially unacceptable hemorrhaging begin?

[apotheosis]

It was a tough call between ebola and preggers... but ebola sounds more fun.

[Usoki]

Oh, easily. If we get to choose what is happening, ebola sounds hilarious. Make sure to aim the spray into people's faces.

[End Master]

Wow, if it really is Ebola I'll have to change my sig from "Barrel of Ebola ridden monkeys" to "Ves' Ebola ridden crotch"

[ChubbyTeletubby]

Well it's like I say to any stupid pregnant bitch who didn't anticipate the inevitable...

HI MOM!!!

If you haven't let some asshole stick his sweaty dinger in your filthy twat like a little fucking slut within the last few weeks or possibly months, worry not!

If so?

Just abort the little fucking worthless piece of shit smelly fart-inducing future american.
That simple.

Are you stupid or evil, Ves?

Evil? That's right. Evil. Keep the little demon child then. Just make sure you subject them to actual non-stupid stuff. That would be neat!

For once!

[apotheosis]

Well it's like I say to any stupid pregnant bitch who didn't anticipate the inevitable...

HI MOM!!!

If you haven't let some asshole stick his sweaty dinger in your filthy twat like a little fucking slut within the last few weeks or possibly months, worry not!

If so?

Just abort the little fucking worthless piece of shit smelly fart-inducing future american.
That simple.

Are you stupid or evil, Ves?

Evil? That's right. Evil. Keep the little demon child then. Just make sure you subject them to actual non-stupid stuff. That would be neat!

For once!

Chubby, whatever you are taking, keep taking it. Hilarious stuff.

[Vesnic]

God must agree with Chubby that I am evil. He sees fit to punish me at every turn. It has gotten so bad that I can't even masturbate with impunity.

Today I took out my big purple friend Mr. Tubby for a ride when suddenly I was overcome with an absolutely excruciating agonizingly painful sensation

DOWN THARR!!

But what could it be? What is wrong with me? If it's the ebola, then I'd really rather take myself out to pasture than endure the natural progression of such excessive ouchiness.

To add insult to injury, I want it to be known that I am typing this post while seated on the toilet sipping coffee, hoping the mutant fetus thing stuck in my right fallopian tube will find it fit to soon come kerplunking out.

[ChubbyTeletubby]

You know they have actual doctors for this stuff, Ves.

And if you're gonna be dubbing your dildos 'Mr. Tubby', they better be black.

And they better go flacid within three minutes.

I'm gonna name my blow-up lover Ves in honor of all this. She likes it in the mouth.

Consider that route next time, homegirl.

[apotheosis]

Don't listen to Chubby, actual doctors don't know shit. You'd be better off asking a crackhead for medical advice. Though actually, nurse practitioners and physicians assistants aren't bad, because unlike doctors, they aren't horribly egotistical and incompetent... sometimes at least. That's my own experience anyway.

[Vesnic]

Thanks for your helpful input, guys. As much as I'm sure it would have been amusing to watch me melt away with hemorrhagic fever, I'm afraid the answer to this conundrum has proven to be humdrum:

I have a yeast infection.

That's right, a full serving of clumpy smelly yogurt in the ol' vagigi. The cure for this is known by the name of Monistat and it is sold at your local supermarket or drugstore. The ironic and amusing thing about my experience with said substance is that it consists of an extremely phallic-appearing suppository that is inserted with the assistance of a rather long applicator. An activity similar to this one is what got me in trouble in the first place. Actually, it was the amoxycillin.

Oh, and there is also a cream included. To help with the itchy and the scratchy.

It was all a trick question! The correct answer wasn't even on the test. I'm wily like that.

[ChubbyTeletubby]

The pleasure is all mine, m'lady.

I enjoyed talking about your vagina and it's misadventures. I would start a thread about my penis but there's not much to say, I'm afraid. Pretty boring stuff as it relates to the 'Land Down Under' or 'Land of the Lost' or the 'Forsaken Jungle'. It just sorta dangles there and well...

There is the chaffing, but that's more related to my scrotum and inner thighs. Um. But um.

Ya. There is that. And uh...sometimes. Well...that's more of a sphincter issue. Never mind.

[apotheosis]

Ewwwww. I don't know anything about yeast infections except that they are gross. How do you get yeast up there anyway? Drinking imported beer through your va-jay-jay?

Vagina's are complex and bizarre natural contraptions. I mean, if you think about it logically, they are terrifying, yet, there is still a natural inclination for a male to want to stick his penis into one... probably because they are warm and moist.

[ChubbyTeletubby]

Brilliant, apoth.

You ARE prone to brilliance.

vaginas are disgusting and terrifying and awe-inspiring.

And amazing.

But mostly just terrifying.

[Vesnic]

How do you get yeast up there anyway?

I normally would answer a question like this in a tongue-in-cooch kind of way, but since my vag and I just spent the last three hours editing French medical translations, my current absence of imagination means that I will answer your question directly and truthfully.

The vagina is full of bacteria, many of which help to prevent natural fungal growth from getting out of control. Taking an antibiotic, as I did to clear up a nasty sinus infection, disrupts the bacterial balance, thus allowing the yeast infection to occur. They are harmless and easy to fix. They would probably taste badly, however.

[ChubbyTeletubby]

All this talk of Ves's vagginer still has me totally sporting a half-chubby though.