To DEP and Ves

[End Master]

I suppose I could've just sent this to you both in a PM, but what the hell I know both of you have been lurking recently and its more fun this way.

Chubby told me to let you both know that his dingo has grown by at least a centimeter since he started vacuuming on a daily basis and that he can send you both a pic if you'd like.

Also he said he still thinks the pair of you are both really hot and wants you some time.

That's about it, back to your regularly scheduled lurking...

[Vesnic]

Somebody please entertain me. I am badly in need of cheering-up.

[End Master]

Wow, this is an old thread.

Cheer you up eh? Well I guess I can try, I'm not exactly sure why you're upset, so I'm doing a shotgun approach to this and hoping for the best.

If this is due to someone at your work place wronging you, try to find a firm and diplomatic way to handle the situation, but obviously stay assertive. If that can't be achieved then go completely on the attack. The one (or ones) attacking you are obviously jealous of your superior professionalism and are trying to make you look bad, but if you keep a level head you can easily turn the tables on them.

Remember, you're smarter than all of them.

If this over a guy who has somehow wronged you in a relationship, the guy's obviously a fucktard and just doesn't appreciate all your wonderful qualities and is obviously intimidated by you. He probably doesn't know how to fuck and is a closet faggot as well. You can easily do better, there are tons of other guys out there.

Remember, you're prettier than all of them.

If this due to family giving you a hard time, take solace in the fact that you don't actually have to live with the miserable lot anymore and they'll probably be dead soon. Take pride in the fact that you managed to survive and even thrive living under their hellish rules and YOU are the better person despite their continued attempts to bring you down.

Remember, you're better than all of them.

If this is due to just life in general, don't give into despair. Things could always be worse. You could've been born in a shithole third world country like Liberia or Detroit for example. And while you might not be a guy, you're still a straight white girl. I mean that's ALMOST hitting all the top privilege! And even if you do ever get fat and nasty, you can STILL take advantage of your situation by getting hordes of black dudes to do stuff for you!

Well that's all I can think of right now on the fly, but I'll leave you with this delightfully uplifting message from a wise philosopher…

[donteatpoop]

If this is because I left a pile of poop on your porch, you have no right to be upset. I stuck an American flag and a sparkler and lit that bitch before I knocked. Don't act like you didn't like it, I saw you pledge allegiance to it.

[Locke]

I think you need to find someone to mess with. That always helps when I'm feeling down. Ideally someone you don't like, or who at least deserves it, but I guess it could be anyone. Here are some things I've thought of:

Dig enormous holes in his yard. At the bottom of each hole, plant a small plastic shovel, preferably yellow.

Sign him up for lots of magazines and junk mail, or just find some and keep dropping it off. Have delivery food from every place in town sent to his place on Wednesdays.

Find some animals and set them loose on his property. Siphon his gas, replace with sugar. Potato in the exhaust pipe. Put his car up on blocks and sell the tires. Key the paint job. If locked, unlock. If unlocked, burglarize. Fill the interior with trash from a dumpster.

Print embarrassing fliers and distribute them to the neighbors. Once that's had time to settle in, poison and/or flood his yard. Drain the freon from his air conditioner. Cut his phone lines or hook in from outside and call Nigeria. Shut down and combo lock his power.

Follow that up with a flaming shit bag and some vandalism - always a classic.

Order termites, bees, and other pests from the internet and release them strategically.

Knock over his mailbox and just keep doing it. If there are trees in the yard, hang him in effigy. If not, stake him in effigy.

Don't forget his job, either. Call him at work, pretending to be from an escort service and/or someone he's having an affair with. Or a social worker, or a drug contact, someone he's molested on a bus - be creative. Send his co-workers creepy stalker letters with his return address on them. If you have access to illegal drugs, plant some in his car while he's there, and call the cops. That should help get him fired.

Sacrifice a goat in his yard, and spray the area thoroughly with skunk musk. Finish by burning the house down while he is gone (but loot the place first, and sell anything you don't want).

Repeat the above steps until satisfied. Then start on his friends.



...if you need more ideas, there's some stuff here that should help. On the other hand, if this is all too involved or subtle for you, just throw a brick through his window. That alone should be cathartic.

If this is because I left a pile of poop on your porch

It looks like DEP is already following my advice - so maybe you should start with him?

[Vesnic]

LOL you guys are really ace. I seriously lulzed all over myself and then when i was done I took a verrry long bath using that all-natural organic mud cure DEP was kind enough to leave at my door. Each of you in his own way really knows how to cheer a girl up, and since that's all you know how to do with a girl, I think it's great that you happen to be very good at it. Snort snort. Naw seriously though, I'm actually kind of touched in a very special way and there's a smile on my face now, which everyone tells me is a cuter look than my killer scowl. Thanks guys!