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  • Idiots who get paid to write badly

    Case 1: Slender Man attacks in Wisconsin are the result of bad internet culture not paying the proper respect to fictional monsters. Also known as: Little Girls Like Dollies, not Knifies.
    Purveyor of The Stupid: John Kass of the Chicago Tribune

    Many of you have probably heard of the recent attack in Wisconsin in which two middle-school girls attempted to murder their 12-year-old classmate by luring her into the woods and stabbing her multiple times in the legs, arms and trunk. The victim survived and is expected to make a full recovery, although surgery was required to treat her many wounds. This being America, the two young girls are going to be tried as adults. This being America, their baffling crime has been attributed by one conservative nimrod (well hey, if I’m a pinhead, I think I have the right to launch a two-syllable quasi-slur at the people I don’t like, too) to our culture, particularly internet culture, and extra particularly to the blurring lines between fantasy and reality and the gentrification of movie monsters, who would now just as soon marry you and cook you chicken soup when you’re sick as devour your immortal soul. The girls were apparently involved in a fiction-writing site (and we all know how dangerous and unsavory those are) specializing in horror and the development of that urban legend we all know and love and which has kicked our asses more times than we can count: the carb-conscious Slender Man. It seems the two little would-be murderers wanted to impress ole’ Slendy by offering up their buddy as a sacrifice.

    And here’s the part where I stop summarizing and make my point. To put it simply: there is nothing weird or new about a bunch of satanically-minded little girls going into the woods and trying to take out one of their own. This is just what happens when you’re a female teetering on the brink of puberty and living in a society which you’re just beginning to suspect doesn’t actually value you for your immortal soul. I am going to go ahead and make the argument that this treatment of the girls’ ghastly deeds is inherently and profoundly sexist because it treats a crime which can readily be understood in psychological terms (or indeed by anyone who has ever raised a tweenager or been one themselves) as aberrant, unnatural, so inconceivable on an individual level that it absolutely must be blamed on a larger societal ill. I don’t disagree that we live in a sick, sad world, but quite frankly no one would be making this sort of claim if two little boys had been involved. Men can commit violence on a far larger scale and there is a shocking amount of room allotted to ‘boys being boys’, yet when it’s revealed that females also have an intense capacity for cruelty and sadism, then there must be something unholy about the whole situation.

    This author made a somewhat disjointed attempt to explain his argument and to make it seem like more than the simplistic appeal to reason that it was by decrying our culture’s taming of fictional monsters, the de-fanging of the vampire in such pop-culture staples as Twilight to the point where the monster will not only not hurt you, he’ll even marry you. Making friends with monsters is thus the reason that these two girls wanted to impress Slender Man, because they thought maybe they’d be invited to the Slender family picnic if they cut up a virgin and left her for dead in his backyard, right? Wrong. Having been a little girl myself once, and a pretty twisted one at that, let me set this poor man straight: these girls love Slender because he is evil, because he will devour their immortal souls, because he is fond of killing. They never once mistook him for their benevolent Uncle Jimbo who takes them out for ice-cream even when Dad says no. They are responding positively, with unthinkable perversity, as members of the female sex who not only endorse violence, but who like to get their own hands blood-red from time to time.

    There’s a psycho-babble term for all this: folie à deux. It represents what is really likely going on here and what allows this crime to be comprehensible without recourse to either sexism or extreme generalization. A psychosis can be shared by two people in close association. Only one of the two need be truly fucked up, as the other can be merely impressionable and just go along with the crime. This phenomenon has been well-documented. I can think of two examples right away. For the male version, consider Boy A with Speidy…I mean Andy…I mean Andrew Garfield in a gut-wrenching turn before he was famous. For the female case, there’s the equally fantastic Heavenly Creatures with Kate Winslet just before she did Titanic. This movie was based directly on a real-life story, so clearly there is precedent and clearly this has existed for much longer than the internet.
    My sanity, my soul, or my life.

  • #2
    Thank you for sharing such enlightening thougths about the issue with such a small group of people.

    For real though, that was a solid report. You should publish this in a setting where a larger audience can read it.
    The organ is grinding but the monkey won't dance.

    Comment


    • #3
      Yeah I remember Heavenly Creatures. Fun pointless trivia, it was directed by Peter Jackson before he became the Lord of the Rings.

      That's not even the way you summon Slendy anyway. To be quite honest I've always sort of found that particular creepypasta/urban legend a bit overrated.

      Now Candle Cove on the other hand was the shit. Someone needs to make a movie about that.

      I don't know though, these girls just seem like another common example of everyone blaming society for criminal actions nowadays.

      For example that guy who recently shot up that sorority there's been blaming of everything to "rape culture" to "gun culture" and even the internet as some of the reasons why, when in the scheme of things he was just another loser who ultimately didn't know how to function on a somewhat civilized level.

      Speaking of that asshole, anyone actually watch the hilarious youtube videos of him bitching and whining about how he couldn't get laid? Christ, talk about a severe case of "Nice Guy Syndrome."
      Writing: It's more fun than a barrel of Ebola ridden monkeys!

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      • #4
        I'd never heard of the Slender Man before and had to look him up. Confused me throughout the article. Of course, now there will be copycat murders, interviews, crime novels, and if we're really lucky a cult. The forum user who created the Slender Man can cash in if he plays his cards right.

        Idiots who get paid to write badly
        I need to get in on this thing. I think I could be really good at blaming crimes on internet memes, and it's not like we're going to run out of either anytime soon.
        Last edited by Locke; 06-27-2014 at 12:16 AM.

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        • #5
          Originally posted by Locke View Post
          The forum user who created the Slender Man can cash in if he plays his cards right.
          There are already video games about Slenderman and I think there's supposed to be movie talks so I assume the creator is already making something from it.
          Writing: It's more fun than a barrel of Ebola ridden monkeys!

          Comment


          • #6
            Originally posted by donteatpoop View Post
            Thank you for sharing such enlightening thougths about the issue with such a small group of people. For real though, that was a solid report. You should publish this in a setting where a larger audience can read it.
            Thanks, Poop, that's a good suggestion, though I'd always rather share anything I might have to say with a small group of discerning people than with a large collection of idiots. If the world at large won't appreciate my own particular brand of twisted wisdom (as they almost always don't), then I can always count on IS seeing things differently, or at the very least having a fabulous way of telling me why I'm an asshat! Thanks, though.

            Originally posted by End Master View Post
            Speaking of that asshole, anyone actually watch the hilarious youtube videos of him bitching and whining about how he couldn't get laid? Christ, talk about a severe case of "Nice Guy Syndrome."
            Whenever anyone calls himself a "nice guy", I head for the hills as fast as I can. There is no bigger red flag (well, except maybe for an active crack addict with a pipe in his mouth and a needle stuck in his arm trying to do something unholy to my big toe). Seriously, every self-proclaimed "nice guy" I've ever known has been SUCH a microdick. I actually had to shake one violently free of his delusions, saying: "You know you're not really THAT nice, right?" It seemed to rock him from his foundations, yet he persisted in seeing my criticism as a badge of courage. He could finally join the ranks of the bad-asses, which is exactly where he'd always wanted to be anyway, the dipshit. Oh well.

            So anyone else have examples of morons spreading their un-wisdom to the masses or to the small interest groups who will actually listen to them? As Locke suggested, this is a really ripe field of possibility!

            I'm gonna have one helluva hangover to sleep off tomorrow, but that is not actually germane to the topic, which I began when I was stone-cold sober earlier today. There's really no reason why you need to know this. Just to be sure that I'm still the same fun-loving party fiend I always was? Yeah! I love you all!

            JOHN KASS IS AN ASSHOLE!
            My sanity, my soul, or my life.

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            • #7
              You need an action item for your FACE.

              Case Two: Bitchy Resting Face (BRF), also known as "resting bitch face" or, much less commonly, "resting asshole face" in men, and what you can DO about it. Because we all know faces are verbs just waiting to happen.
              Purveyor of The Stupid: Dr. Anthony Youn, plastic surgeon and The Today Show, plastic brain implants.

              Those of you with your fingers on the pulse of modern pop culture have probably heard the term "bitchy resting face" or something similar, used to denote an unattractive expression in some women's faces, making them appear angry or mean without any apparent cause.

              Broken People uploaded a satirical video in the style of a public service announcement, which later went viral and was picked up by, of all things, the Today Show. In predictably hamfisted style, the Today Show referred to the BRF as a "phenomenon" and a "syndrome", consulting seriously with a plastic surgeon about what women can proactively do should they be struck by this terrible affliction. Plastic surgeons really are the used car salesmen of the 21st Century, aren't they? They'll say anything, to anyone, utilize any degree of prevarication, dissimulation or just plain old-fashioned lying in order to sell their product. The only difference between them is that a car is actually useful.

              The Today segment ran with the bitchy resting face as a straight news story serviced by the requisite expert and sense of dramatic tension attainable only by heavy-hitters like Savannah Guthrie. Now if you also happen to share your first name with a sunny Southern plantation crawling in bougainvillea and willful amnesia, then you probably can't relate to the problem of having a disgruntled countenance. That this phenomenon has also been specifically linked to Females in Thought makes it very exotic indeed, as we all know thinking too hard gives you wrinkles.

              Besides the anger and despair this kind of shit instills in me, it also makes me wonder, wonder so hard that my eyebrows actually tie themselves together in a sailor's knot. I ask myself, What's next? Where does this finally end? If it's not my weight, then it's my breasts, if not my breasts, then it's my body hair, if not my body hair, then it's just my maddening fucking face refusing to smile when Mr. Man snaps his fingers. On an intellectual level, I just don't get it. I hope one of the smart men in the house can help my little brain grapple with this, because to me it seems like there is actually overlap between Perfect Boobs and Heinous Hell-Boobs. Perfect ones are a size A through DD, while undeserving ones tend more to be sizes A through DD, thus creating a terrible Busty Paradox tearing at the fabric of the universe itself like an overstretched jegging, expanding and expanding and EXPANDING until we are all swallowed up whole in a gaping black hole of Pulchritudinous Destruction! This is a known entity. Just ask Stephen Hawking, who is reputed to be an expert on the subject.

              I get it. It is not okay to be a woman. No matter what I do or how I feel or look or am, there will always be a significant part of myself for which I should be deeply sorry and ashamed, and because of which I should put myself at an even greater economic disadvantage than I already experience as a woman, just so other people don't have to suffer the pains of me being me.

              If you hate women this much, why don't you just put all of us under the knife and sew on a prosthetic penis? I have a sneaking suspicion that the moment I get one of those, it will suddenly cease to matter whether or not I make funny faces when caught red-handed in some hot n' heavy cogitation.

              The videos are linked below. There is also an article in the Daily Mail (big surprise) further attesting to the, like, total legitimacy of this terrible problem:

              Broken People: Bitchy Resting Face (PSA satire)

              Today Show: Do you suffer from bitchy resting face?

              Dr. Youn Presents the Grin Lift!

              Oh, and there's one more thing that keeps bugging me, something which came up right at the beginning. That word. What was it? Oh, right. Satire. Satire. Something sounds so familiar about that damn word, but I can't quite put my finger on it. For some reason I feel like this one word might hold the key to the whole bloody mess. Wait for it. Wait for it...
              My sanity, my soul, or my life.

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              • #8
                Originally posted by Vesnic View Post
                I hope one of the smart men in the house can help my little brain grapple with this
                I think your best chance is Locke, he's usually a little more thoughtful on these matters.

                Personally though I've never been one for excessive surgical augmentation, it tends to make the person increasingly weirder looking.

                I mean I can see it if like your face got ripped off by a rage infected chimp, but when its for the usual vanity cosmetic reasons everyone goes overboard with it and you get people with mannequin face skin, beach ball tits and puffy balloon lips. (The unnatural puffy lips thing is just ugh)

                Never heard of resting bitch face though. I would think something like that would be AFTER you got plastic surgery since like I said you end up getting people with those stone wall mannequin faces that don't show expression.
                Writing: It's more fun than a barrel of Ebola ridden monkeys!

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                • #9
                  I love you guys. ^_^

                  I am familiar with this affliction, however, in a totally non-satirical way. It's sooo fun when people continuously ask you why you're mad when you're just fucking going about your business.

                  Ah, who needs the outside world, anyway.

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    It's sooo fun when people continuously ask you why you're mad when you're just fucking going about your business.
                    "Hey, what's wrong?" "Are you okay, sir/dude/man/bro?"

                    I get that a lot, even from random people. Good to know I can fix it with plastic surgery, though, thanks. Since it's turning into a syndrome, maybe we can get insurance to cover it.

                    there will always be a significant part of myself for which I should be deeply sorry and ashamed
                    You're not going to find this image amusing, but I happened to have it, and I do. Take it however you want, I'm just going to post it.



                    I'm not trying to argue the finer points of feminism, but it got a chuckle out of me.

                    Plastic surgeons really are the used car salesmen of the 21st Century, aren't they? They'll say anything, to anyone, utilize any degree of prevarication, dissimulation or just plain old-fashioned lying in order to sell their product.
                    This is Stalking Cat.





                    I have a bunch of photos of people who do this to themselves, not sure why. Anyway, I guess he was a normal guy at some point, but his guru got him in touch with his spirit animal, and he decided to be a cat. The metal things are where his whiskers go in, and he's got claws, surgically shaped ears, and a robotic tail that fills out the look. Or he did, anyway; he killed himself at the end of 2012.

                    On the plus side, I think becoming a cat cures Resting Bitch Face.
                    Last edited by Locke; 06-07-2014, 09:56 PM.
                    Last edited by Locke; 06-27-2014 at 12:16 AM.

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                    • #11
                      Huh, didn't know Stalking Cat killed himself.

                      I remember seeing him on some documentary about piercing and tattoo culture. He said he had no use for the white man's religion.
                      Writing: It's more fun than a barrel of Ebola ridden monkeys!

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                      • #12
                        Originally posted by Locke View Post
                        You're not going to find this image amusing, but I happened to have it, and I do. Take it however you want, I'm just going to post it.



                        I'm not trying to argue the finer points of feminism, but it got a chuckle out of me.
                        Well I can guess what the argument would be from a feminist perspective because it would be similar to their argument that's always trotted out when sexism is talked about in the comic book industry.

                        Female images tend to be designed more for the pleasure of men rather than for something to the girl to aspire to for their own sake, so they're either sexualized for guys to ogle or in Barbie's case they're a "guide" for girls to become because that's what GUYS like.

                        However, when you've got a guy like He-Man or Superman or any other guy running around in a loincloth/spandex though he's primarily designed as a male power fantasy rather than a body image for dudes aspire to (AKA to feel bad about themselves.)

                        Guys usually don't spend their time thinking "Man I wish I was ripped like Batman." they're too busy focusing on Batman kicking everyone's ass and THEN wishing they could do that. How Batman looks isn't relevant to a guy since there's tons of examples in society (like James Bond for example) where you don't have to be impossibly built to be a bad ass.

                        (Insert feminist tirade of how this continues to perpetuate misogynistic rape culture patriarchy here)
                        Writing: It's more fun than a barrel of Ebola ridden monkeys!

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                        • #13
                          Originally posted by End Master View Post
                          (Insert feminist tirade of how this continues to perpetuate misogynistic rape culture patriarchy here)
                          End passes to Ves. Ves catches. Yep, I can do the tiradey bit, although I have to say that was a very good assessment you just made of the different sets of expectations between Barbie and He-Man, especially the bit where you mentioned that there are several different varieties of male ideal whereas women pretty much have Barbie or...someone who looks very much like Barbie. I suggest too that everyone look at those pictures again. I'd argue that they are both pretty equally ridiculous. It's just that He-Man is more in-your-face obvious whereas Babs is literally disappearing. If you look closely at her body, at the proportions of the arms and the neck to the torso, it is just as unnatural as the steroid king and much harder to attain because, while there's always anorexia, taking drugs and lifting weights is probably easier at the end of the day. I wouldn't wish either of their livers on anybody, though.

                          As for the misogynistic rape-culture patriarchy, it is everywhere, all the time, entrenched simultaneously at many different levels. This is why it is both valid and totally useless to isolate a crime like the murders committed by that self-pitying little shit-for-brains in California and say, "See? He is the outgrowth of a society gone mad!". Well, yes he is, in the sense that many of his assumptions come from his immediate surroundings, where women are porn objects more than anything else. He was so clearly obsessed with money and status, that it really wasn't hard to see him as the victim of one slick car ad too many. The kid was a total tool, and specifically a 21st-Century tool with all the accompanying hang-ups and blind-spots, and yes, overt sexism is a part of this picture. I actually read a good deal of his self-published novel and the guy never really moves beyond being the direct product of the various inputs in his life. He had a lot and was relatively privileged, but because he didn't have it all, he felt like a loser. And tragically, his personality or his psychopathy was such that he had to drag other people down with him. Unfortunately, the question can never be more than hypothetical: what would this guy have been like ten, twenty, thirty years ago? Would he have somehow fared better? There are just too many layers here to be able to answer that question with any authority or certainty.

                          The problem with focusing on cases like his, though, is that such violence is still largely the exception and it's not therefore this type of case that should be studied if people are interested in changing the way women are perceived or just the way people treat other people in general these days. We are certainly ethically and morally challenged, but this means something different than what most people assume. It means we have lost our emotional literacy, our ability and willingness to understand our own or others' subjective states. If we really think that "improving" the moral fiber of our society involves taping up people's mouths so they can't express themselves or even ask any but the most superficial grunt of a question, then we're clearly missing the point of what it means to readjust society's moral compass. It's not about taking things away, but about adding things: adding meaning where it's been stripped from us, adding compassion where it's become uncool or just completely been forgotten, adding the time and the space and the quiet that every human mind needs in order to not be completely overwhelmed by all the noise, noise, noise. And rather than focusing on the most gruesome cases (which is in itself a symptom of the larger disease: our inability to find points of interest in anything less than an explosion of human evil), we need to return to the mundane, to the casual cruelties and easy excuses which should be neither casual nor easy. In my own personal experience, I have found it increasingly difficult to function as a woman in this world, and that is the result of a hundred little slights and cuts rather than one large disaster. Yes, Barbie has something to do with it, but the second we focus exclusively on her, we lose the other several thousand factors. Rather than listing all these factors, we need to go to a deeper level where we address attitude, state of mind, and the most basic assumptions that people make about what is acceptable and what is hurtful. People don't like to hear this because it's singularly unglamorous and it has a lot to do with education which means sorry, parents, but you have to take responsibility for your own kids. It's not exciting and headline-grabbing, but if our media was worth anything at all anymore, it would nonetheless dare to tackle any number of these alarming issues at a more thoughtful and effective level. People can also take some responsibility for themselves and their own behavior. Again, it's the little things, the small concessions or at the very least just stopping and thinking for a second. I don't expect men everywhere to drop what they're doing, say the mea culpa and spend the rest of their lives atoning for sins both real and imagined. That feeds right back into the duct-tape approach which I find so stupid and self-defeating. Instead, it would just be really nice if certain guys, at certain times, would hesitate a moment before feeling quite so free to pass any sort of comment they like about my body, if they would examine their own thinking when they just assume that my bad mood or even my bitchy resting face must be the result of my period or hormonal problems, if they would make just a small imaginative jump and ask themselves once or twice: what would that feel like if it were me?

                          ...and I don't mean how great it would be to feel yourself up if you were suddenly turned into a girl, although I concede that it is a pretty rockin' superpower!
                          My sanity, my soul, or my life.

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                          • #14
                            Originally posted by Vesnic View Post
                            ...and I don't mean how great it would be to feel yourself up if you were suddenly turned into a girl, although I concede that it is a pretty rockin' superpower!
                            I dunno, as much as I like pussy, I don't think I'd want one for myself.

                            The upkeep on one is horrendous. There's douches, special soaps, bottles of vinegar... what the hell are you ladies doing? Making a salad down there?

                            Not to mention all the shaving and waxing. Personally I'd be like fuck all that and just walk around with something that required a weed wacker to find. I'm not trying to look like an anime lolicon just for the pleasure of some dude who probably sees his mom's face in every woman he fucks. They can eat my hairy fucking bush or take a goddamn hike.

                            I'd probably do better in the lesbian community I guess. Get me one of those lipstick lesbians who likes getting it from the back with my strap on dick.

                            Yeah, let's go with that.
                            Writing: It's more fun than a barrel of Ebola ridden monkeys!

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                            • #15
                              Originally posted by End Master View Post
                              The upkeep on one is horrendous. There's douches, special soaps, bottles of vinegar... what the hell are you ladies doing? Making a salad down there?
                              Ahahaha! Actually, though, the received wisdom nowadays is that douches really aren't very good for you, as they disturb the natural habitat of the swamplands. Every vagina is basically equipped with its very own Roomba and is usually good at sorting itself out, doing its own spring cleaning, clearing the cobwebs, avoiding the cat, etc.

                              Originally posted by End Master View Post
                              I'm not trying to look like an anime lolicon just for the pleasure of some dude who probably sees his mom's face in every woman he fucks. They can eat my hairy fucking bush or take a goddamn hike.
                              Sing it, sister! If only all the ladies were so sure of themselves to tell partners (especially the ones who expect everything but do none of their own maintenance) exactly where to put it (the nearest door jamb). I think you would make an awesome angry lesbian!
                              My sanity, my soul, or my life.

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