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Coitus Machina

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  • Coitus Machina

    Write- 7
    Plot- 9
    Enjoy- *9
    Theme- 8

    I... well, I expected nothing less from DEP. Once again, the story is set in a fantastic setting, where we only skim the top layer. I frequently forgot there were no human men. I kept expecting to see squicky scenes involving other owners and/or other robots. Have we not gotten that far yet? It's kinda weird that Andrew is the only robot in the story.

    I am curious about where some of these story threads will lead, although I guess it's possible that all roads lead to the resistance, and the only real difference is how much death and carnage you make along the way. Or I suppose there could eventually be a revolution...

    I was surprised at how many rooms had a large number of choices- especially considering how many of them seem similar. But, I guess you know what you're doing. Or, if you don't, you're doing a pretty good job of keeping the loose ends under check.
    Skimming the top layer is a good way to describe my story starts. If I ever finished any of them, we would plunge very deep. The ideas are somewhere in my head, but I spread myself too thin between my many stories.

    I actually considered using more robots but I figured they'd be pretty uncommon out on the streets. Robots stay in the house, fuck shit and clean shit. That's about it. So most of the manufacturing Andrew models were sent back from the recall, and of those who were not sent back and were affected by the defect I'd imagine pretty much none are in the same of miles of one another.

    But had this contest been open longer, say five to ten years; I would have fleshed more of the background story out so that it all made more sense.

    As for the many-choiced rooms, with the exception of one or two per room; most of them were intened to lead to death scenes or be looped together.

    Writing Style: 8/10

    Very little spelling/grammar errors I noticed. Story had an excellent flow to it and I enjoy how the author is so descriptive, even during the *ahem* naughty bits. I actually felt sorry for Andrew the android.

    *Plot/Creativity: 8/10

    Love the premise of this story. A utopian society ruled by women who use man bots simply for menial tasks and sex. Genius. The lack of an ending is my complaint here. The story has a couple of interesting options where you can join a resistance against the utopian society or return back to Alice. I think both options would be interesting to expand upon. When I couldn’t read on any longer, I was quite disappointed. That, however, is the mark of a talented author, which you are. Keep going with this story please.

    Enjoyment: 9/10

    From start to finish I was grinning like an idiot. Suffice it to say this story entertained the hell out of me. I wish it was longer and more fleshed out, but what a journey you took me on so far. Oh the many adventures a renegade sex bot could have…So many delicious options. Hats off to you sir, for such an enjoyable read.

    Theme: 8/10

    Best use of theme was non-human protagonist. Andrew is a great non human character, full of all the complexities of being a robot and slowly gaining individuality. It’s a classic sci-fi theme, but one that works well for a talented writer such as yourself. The utopia theme worked to serve as a background for why Andrew was created and needed, but I felt this could have been fleshed out a bit more. The last theme was difficult for me to decipher, but I realize it was cybernetic revolt due to Andrews’s actions. Good use of the theme, but once again it could have been fleshed out a bit more. Why exactly was the problem occurring in Andrew models? Were all other Andrew models destroyed or had some escaped destruction? Overall this was a well written romp through the mind of a sex robot and I hope you continue the story to its satisfying conclusion.
    Glad you enjoyed it. There were 4 themes in my story, I remember counting them out as I wrote. Utopian, Non-human Protagonist, Cloning (not a central plot point, but there are no men yet they do reproduce), and Dystopia (the underground, which is almost not even mentioned in the story at all until the end of two of the paths).

    But yeah, sorry for the sudden dead ends. I plan on writing on this one for real. But then, I say that about almost everything I write.

    As for the details on what was malfunctioning in the Android models, some day I'll write it in there; but just to accommodate your curiosity I'll skim over it. The Andrew models were a popular model because they were the one of the first designed to adapt to their masters needs and desires on an emotional level. Past Companion Bots could be programmed and commanded to do shit for you but the Andrew028-B could actually adapt so that the Master didn't have to command the bot anymore. So when Alice cries, Andrew comes to comfort her, hugging and bringing her some tissues and shit; where-as before she would have had to say "Andrew, come hug me and bring some tissues and shit."

    They were also the first companion bot to programmed built to last the years; this was accomplished through a clever bit of coding that gave them self-preservation inclinations that included making certain that their master was pleased with them (which also kind of blends with the above) so that they would not be sent back for a replacement (since they were satisfaction guaranteed for like five years or something.

    They adapted to well. The survival instinct, coupled with their understanding of emotions; leads to the 'awakening' so to speak.

    Andrew 028-B adapted too well.

    Writing - 9/10
    *Plot/Creativity - 18/20
    Enjoyment - 9/10
    Theme - 8/10

    I also very much liked this story and read all of the pages, so far. I feel a little bad, because I like his lazy filler pages the most (run like a motherfucker, motherfuck). The writing was solid and emotionally detached, which seemed really fitting for the Andrew model, but there were a few weird spelling mistakes (ridiculous doesn't have an e in it). The plot seemed like it was kind of bungled together from a bunch of different Scifi movies, so not a lot was new, but I still liked all of it and how it meshed together. I really did enjoy the story. I wish I could have actually killed the shit out of Alice, she is kind of a huge raging bitch tits. Um, and the theme made really good use of a futuristic setting that's just similar enough to day to day life to be unnerviing.
    I'm glad the distant emotions were picked up. I was constantly rewriting dialogue and description from his POV because I didn't want it to sound too human. As the story progresses he will become more in touch with his emotions. But anyway, thanks for noticing that.

    I spell like crap. This happens most commonly when I should have typed it in Word and copied it into the story. (by the way, "unnerviing"? really?) Winky face.

    I understand you've likely seen the tropes in various movies and what-not, that's why they were on the list. They are tropes. Seeing them elsewhere is kind of what that means. Jerkface.

    Really though it's the "bungled" comment that irks me more than the "hey i saw that somewhere else" nonsense. Bungled? I didn't think it was bungled. If anything I think i revealed shit a bit too slowly. But maybe I'm just not seeing it. Whatever though, I respect your (very wrong) opinion. To each their own and all that shit.

    Writing Style: 7
    Plot/Creativity: 8
    ***Enjoyment: 6
    Theme: 6

    The story idea is quite an interesting one. The writing style was good and flowed easily, with very few mistakes. I found it interesting to see how mankind apparently treats robots. A sexbot is, at least, a different take on the sci fi genre - at least in the sorts of things I read. (I never actually thought anyone would take up the suggestion of a sexbot. You'd think I would know better by now).

    I tend to not have very much interest in stories slanting towards the erotic side, which is more of a personal taste than a reflection on a writer. Still, I read to where the rooms ended because the plot was interesting enough once I got to the part where the reader-character was acting differently to the programming.

    There were, however, a few rooms that were clearly put in place to act as fillers and weren't nearly as well-written as the first lot of rooms. I know it was to make the story eligible for the contest, but I'm afraid it did detract from the rest of the story. And there were many questions that I found had been left unanswered.

    If there were more rooms and more explanations as to what was going on, I'd mark it much higher.

    Oh - and regarding the themes. The only one I could tell was the non-human protagonist. There were probably others, but I didn't notice them (which is probably more down to me than the writing).

    So... good attempt, but I would have liked to see more.
    To be honest, I was going sex robot before it was added to the list. I kind of cringed when I read that, but liked the idea too much to throw it away.

    I've never been into erotic reading either (except during puberty when I found a copy of a book full of Dear Penthouse letters), and except for a few vague overviews of sex (like in Ducky Park, Paco Valdez, and Brothers) I've never actually written it out. But I felt it was necessary given the purpose of Andrew. Besides, I went through pain staking detail to write the erotic parts as non erotic and mechanical as I could. I still don't think I quite hit it right.

    See comment above for the themes.

    I'm curious as to which rooms you deemed 'filler'. Aside from the couple of nonsense "to be expanded upon in the future" rooms, that is. So you're probably wrong about that. lol. Just kidding. Seriously though let me know.
    Last edited by donteatpoop; 02-11-2012, 09:22 AM.
    The organ is grinding but the monkey won't dance.

  • #2
    Writing Style: 7*
    Plot/Creativity: 7
    Enjoyment: 8
    Theme: 7

    This is another example of a story that would have been much more competitive if only Mr. Poopyface had bothered to complete it, or complete half of it, or complete a third of it. I didn't look at the page count initially, so I received a nasty shock when I stumbled upon a dead end just as the story was getting juicy. All the plot pieces were in place to make this a truly thrilling romp with lots of sexy-fun thrown in to make things muy caliente, but all that self-abuse must have tuckered the poor fellow right out before he could get too far.

    There is a sad underside to all of Poop's writing, and this is something that I wouldn't trade for all the gold of Antium. Or some place golden. I liked how the option to shut down and give up kept popping up as though to reassure the poor reader, "Yes! Suicide is an option!" and that even in such hokey adventurey stories as sci-fis tend to be, there still exists the inescapable psyche and its tendency towards depression. The description of his shut-down process and gradual loss of memory was some pretty effectively heavy shit thrown into the midst of all the clitoral stimulation and blasting ass in search of that big F-word, Freedom.

    As usual, Poop's grammar and syntax and all that stuff is pretty fucking sloppy, and way more sloppy than it should be for a writer of his caliber. He just doesn't seem to care that this kind of shit knocks off points that don't have to be knocked off and make him look sort of rough-necky to the uninitiated. But I get the feeling now, 6 years after making Mr. Poop's acquaintance, that he just doesn't give a hootin' or a holler. That's cool. You won a contest, so it's not like you're short on glory or anything. But still. Lazy sot.

    Of all the writers in this year's contest, Poop is the least likely to slip into mind-numbing nerdism, focusing on dull details that no one cares about and forgetting to add little things like three full dimensions to his stories. What so many sci-fi writers don't seem to realize is the fact that you can't move into the fifth dimension if you haven't yet gotten beyond two. The drive to dive right into the obscure is often indicative of a desperate bid to cover up a poor grasp of the mundane. Nobody makes the mundane interesting like Poop does. Not that sex robots are exactly run-of-the-mill, but his stories are always rooted firmly on the ground with both feet, or however many feet they might happen to have.

    Seriously, though, Poop, you need to get your shit together. You need to finish your shit. You need to edit your shit. You gave such exquisite care to the first two or three pages, but by the end you were reduced to referring to "bewbs" and using ungodly numbers of exclamation marks. And this from the guy who hates smileys. I know these are just place markers, but still...insert a grammar enema; wait five minutes; lose the shit; become the kewlest guy in town!
    The option to shut down was in there more as an echo of Andrews' programming than a self-destruction option; but I guess that works too.

    Yeah, the grammar... I suck at it. I sometimes suffer from style over substance abuse too.

    I had stupid little details that might never matter in there, but chose not to waste the readers time by explaining it. Glad that mattered to someone other than me. The 'food bank leftovers' for instance; kind of speaks for itself I suppose. This is how the poor are fed, leftovers. They are delivered by a "food belt" that runs between houses (going underground between homes) is a large surface that takes and delivers meals. Whatever, it's hard to explain in detail, but you get what I'm saying I hope. Dumb shit like that. Like how Andrew runs his self-clean. Who cares? All you need to know is that it happens.

    Writing: 10, Well written, didn't find mistakes, that or I wasn't paying attention.

    Plot: 5, Just a machine facing some problems, not so good.

    Enjoyment*: 1, Not a fan of porn, plus the story was not good at all.

    Themes: 1, Don't see the themes, even if they are there, they don't matter to the story.
    In all honesty, this was my favorite review. The area that I feel I did the worst on was rated the highest, and for everything else the reviewer admitted to not bothering to read or 'not a fan of porn' (though I'm guessing he still beat off to it).

    Yes, I said you didn't read it. Cause if you had you'd have picked up on something other than "just a machine facing some problems". Lol. That's the best review of all time. Thinking about changing my description of the story to that. In actually you could apply that statement to nearly every story ever written.

    Just a ____ facing some problems.

    Oliver Twist: Just an orphan facing some problems.

    Julius Caesar: Just an emperor facing some problems.

    All the Sherlock Holmes: Just a detective facing some problems.

    Tale of Desperaux: Just a mouse facing some problems.

    Debbie Does Dallas: Just some cheerleaders facing some problems.

    [edit per dreamshell]Diary of Anne Frank: Just a Jew facing some problems.

    The list goes on. You should contact Roger Ebert. I bet he'd pay top dollar for a blanket line like that. If you'd submitted that as you're story you'd have gotten all 10's from me.

    Any additional comments, questions, or suggestions are welcome as well.
    Last edited by donteatpoop; 02-24-2012, 06:28 PM.
    The organ is grinding but the monkey won't dance.


    • #3
      You actually might have a point on that last review... maybe it's such a sophisticated troll effort that it actually went over my head at first. The first sentence says that either he didn't find mistakes, or he wasn't paying attention. And since there are definitely mistakes, it's the latter, not the former which is true. And since he admits that he didn't pay attention, everything else that he says can be safely ignored instead of being scored and taken seriously.

      Originally posted by donteatpoop View Post
      But had this contest been open longer, say five to ten years; I would have fleshed more of the background story out so that it all made more sense.
      That's a lie, and you know it. No one ever seriously starts writing until a few months before the due date, tops.
      Originally posted by Ryan_DuBois
      Usoki, you're the crankiest asshole we know. Not that it's a bad thing, it just means that you smell funny and are best left hidden in darkness.
      And it's embarrassing when you make any noise at all.


      • #4
        Hmmmm, I'm going to go out on a limb and guess the last two comments DEP posted are from Ves and Zac.

        Pretty sure everyone can guess which is which.
        Writing: It's more fun than a barrel of Ebola ridden monkeys!


        • #5
          Yeah, sorry for being such an inconsistent asshole about your story, Poop. It's just that porn offends me. Anything relating to sex offends me. Sex is dirty. Boys have cooties!


          But yeah, I've taken to wearing Mormon chastity pants. Sex is wrong. You shouldn't do it. Neither should robots.

          1 for Sex!
          10 for Me!
          33 for Little Bo Peep!
          My sanity, my soul, or my life.


          Do Not Sell My Personal Information