Ves' IWT 10 Thread -- Traitors beware!

[Vesnic]

As I mentioned in the contest thread, a fair amount of planning actually went into this story, but I ran out of time in the execution, including on the one path which I developed.

I have often wondered what it would really be like to be a vampire, and how the mind would develop over centuries of existence. I'm always amused by vampire books/movies/shows where the teenage vamps act like, well...teenagers. Seriously? I think a vampire would stand out like a sore thumb in "normal" society, not just because he/she is extraordinarily pale or nimble or charming or orthodontically gifted or any of that other shit...they would just be weird as fuck, as the scientific saying goes. They would be strange in so many subterranean ways, you wouldn't even know where to begin. Living on the bottom of the ocean for a few centuries is just the beginning of my own personal vamp fantasy.

I'll demystify the story a bit, since I'm not feeling terribly enigmatic these days and this story was never meant to put Usoki in rehab for two months the way Todestrieb was.

My only request to you all: please hold off on rating my story on the site until I've had a chance to finish it. What I have right now is really just a fetus, and a non-viable one at that. I hope to develop it into a beautiful, fully fanged little monster before I present it to you again.

The deal with the chalices: each chalice grants a superpower on top of the basic vamp package deal, something extra which Drac hopes you will use to achieve some sort of enlightenment. Lord only knows how long HE'S been around. The whole Prince of Wallachia thing might in fact be a later-stage development for him...

(Blue, yellow and red aren't just primary colors, they're also the colors of the Romanian flag, FYI)

Chalices: with each ability comes a sacrifice, but they're not obvious (especially when the writer hasn't made enough rooms to make it terribly clear what the drawbacks might be)

Blue = Gain: ability to fly and have enhanced physical prowess. Lose: being well-grounded, a sense of reality, with the potential to go completely mad.

Red = Gain: ability to read minds and hearts. Lose: empathy. With red, you might very well start a war or be enlisted by a powerful entity, which you will assist in nefarious ways.

Yellow = Gain: ability to acquire all learning, to learn all languages. Lose: Depth and nuance. With yellow, you will probably wander from city to city in some sort of professorial trade, but you'll also probably be outsmarted by a child at some point.

All colors will struggle with faith, meaning and boredom. In each color there will be an "oops" ending (like jumping to the moon before you're ready) and at least one really, really bad ending.

The Great Ball at Drac's -- Dracula's Millennium Party is based in part on the "Great Ball at Satan's" from M. Bulgakov's The Master and Margarita. Certainly, some demonic forces are at play. No talking cats though. I fucking hate cats.

Assuming you have made it this far, Drac will pull you aside and tell you he has something special for you. He has been watching you all these years and thinks you should be rewarded. However, this will be your final gift from him, should you accept it. At this point, you are given the choice to try one of the other colors, with the caveat that you will be sent back in time and will not remember anything from the last five hundred and fifty years. If you have played through all of the colors or simply want to get on with it, then Drac will restore your memories to you and give you one final gift from his own being...which will remain a mystery for now. He will send you off in style with this new gift and won't even punish you if you choose not to have it, as he can also give you a quick, merciful death or grant some other wish that's within his powers. He's really a swell guy, if a bit weird, to be sure. He can never seem to remember just exactly WHO it is you remind him of. Oh yes, one more thing. The acceptance of this last gift from Drac will take your soul from you. The Faustian bargain will be complete.

Basically, I wanted to play on the idea that personal limitations (be they minor or massive) really don't have all that much to do with "shit you can do with a lightening bolt". I wanted to keep the narrative on a fairly personal level and explore how the "average Sorin" would develop (or not develop) given centuries and all sorts of bonuses with which to live his life. Maybe this would even raise a philosophical question or two.

Well, this is getting long, so I'll post the critiques and my responses to them on a double post (muahaha!) Feel free to comment, though I'll probably be in bed crying with humiliation.

Like my Daddy always said: "Honey, if you can't win at everything, then you probably don't deserve to live."

[Vesnic]

Interspersed with my comments in bold

Plot/Creativity 8
Enjoyment 9
Style 10
Theme* 9

I was a bit hesitant at first, when it began reading like a Russian War story, but it quickly took a turn to the Supernatural, and I was quite pleased with it from there. Your work is not for the casual reader *Casual readers don't fit into my very big britches*, and I wasn't sure how many heavy undertones this piece was going to carry. Not many at all, it would seem. *And ain't that a nice break? Or if there were, they went sailing over my head. *There might have been if I'd finished the damn thing* Either way, this had all of the excellent style and quality I've come to expect from you, without any of the deep and sorrowful pensive-ness that makes me mopey and philosophical for days afterward. *Hahaha, so glad I could entertain you without also fucking you up. I'm not as mean as I look. *

I'm not certain what you have planned for the other two chalice-bearers, but Blue definitely seems like it had the most up front potential for the contest theme. It did not disappoint, although I must admit there are large portions of the story where the actual plotline takes a backseat to imagery and characterization. *Yeah, my writing just seems to happen that way for the most part.* For someone who is nigh immortal, and could do any (physical) thing that he wanted to do, I never felt like my choices were being railroaded by the author. In my mind, that's characterization well spent. The party scenes are a bit odd to me, even overlooking the obvious point of "shit deadline", simply because the main character has spent so much time outdoors and away from civilation that he's basically a well-behaived barbarian. How Drac has managed to adore a creation he's only seen a handful of times is beyond me.*Yeah, good point. In the embellishments, it will be more clear that he's keeping an eye on you, sometimes through a visit from one of his servants, other times in other ways.

He was overpowered, yes, but he spent most of his time roaming around, doing his own thing. Aside from his carnie stint, we never really get a sense of how overpowered he is compared to others like him. Compared to humanity, sure- insanely overpowered. But Drac and the chalice bearers seem to be on his level- who knows how many other supernatural things are also at his level? *Well that was basically my revolutionary idea, that being overpowered would not necessarily lead someone to say, "Ah! Time to take over the world now!" They might in fact just want to commune with fish, at least for a century or two!*

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Long Hours, Endless Days by Ves


Writing Style: 9/10 A couple of grammar errors *My own personal favorite is "wall scones", which made me do a massive face-palm when I discovered it too late. Not that having scones growing on your wall wouldn't be total awesomeness!*and repeating words but overall very impressive. Great pacing, descriptive and generally chilling at points. Only complaint was that dialogue was a bit lacking, but that's to be expected when the main character is underwater or deep in the wild lands. Not much else to say.*Yeah, the blue path was meant to be the most introspective. The others will be a lot chatter (and probably meaner!)*

Plot/Creativity: 8/10 You have no idea how close I was to my story being about nearly the same thing as yours. Glad I went a different route because you would of blown me out of the water. I like how you used the historical inspiration for Dracula as the source of our heroes power, a nice touch. The path Sorin takes is an interesting one. Exploring ocean depths, the forests and ending up in a circus. I felt this was a unique path to send a newly christened vampire acolyte. I probably would have had him tearing up babies in rustic villages, so kudos for giving me a different perspective on the creatures of the night. *Hahaha thanks! As tempting as eating babies is, I just figured it'd been done enough already. And/or my maternal clock is ticking loudly.*

*Enjoyment: 6/10 I wanted to give you a higher score here, because what I read was pretty great. However, the story was pretty linear and didn't have many deviating paths that changed the outcome of the story. Rooms further into the story were obviously unfinished and took me out of this intricate story you were weaving. I will admit it was pretty funny though. “The Prince turns you into a sentient spaceship” Awesome. I wanted to see what would happen from drinking the other chalices' , but only the blue chalice was available. The rooms you had were descriptive and exciting, I guess like Sorin I craved more after I had a taste! *Don't worry, babe. I'll be back for more bites!*

Theme: 7/10 Sorin the vampire was definitely overpowered. Mofo could fly into outer space. Jeez. I docked points only because I felt the powers didn't really accomplish any sort of overarching goal. *But that's not in the rules, is it?* He just had the powers and was living his life. Not using the powers for good or evil really, he just had them and was just being. I felt like Sorin really had no goal in mind. He explored the great unknown, but he didn't seem to learn anything or if he did he became unable to communicate that with anyone else. A distant and cold character for sure. Fitting since he is a vampire. Sorin needed to be more ambitious in my humble and probably wrong opinion. *Yeah, sorry, don't agree with you there.*

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Ves
Long Hours, Endless Days
Writing Style: 10
Plot/Creativity: 7
*Enjoyment: 8
Theme: 8

Definitely a different kind of twist on the mundane vampire theme. It was sort of silly in places like jumping up to the moon and such *You try jumping to the moon and see how silly you feel!*, but given that we're dealing with overpowered characters that's to be expected.

Probably would've scored higher had more pages been written out like the first few had. Still, at least most of the short pages had an air of enthusiasm to them (And there was much drinking!) *Cheers!*

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Vesnic (Long Hours, Endless Days)

Writing Style: 9

Your prose is excellent. If you're a "slow writer" and you agonize over every line, I feel your pain - if you can more or less pound it out, I envy you. Your descriptions are intoxicating. I chose blue first, for the sky (fortunate, since apparently that's all there was).

Some of the lines that struck me:

You scoop up a handful of rich dark soil, breathing in its vibrant delights. This Earth is life. Pure life! Spotting a large lilac bush, you forget yourself entirely, throwing your newly muscled weight right into it, snapping stems and boughs and collapsing with them like a lover to the ground, laughing and nuzzling, gasping at the extremity of this beautiful, singular scent! Could the world really be this overrun with pleasures? You never knew!

You are alone on a beach, thrilling as the sense of newness again gladdens your heart.

The galaxy is your luxurious bed, hung with starry curtains and lulling you to sleep in whirling clouds of glittering dust and frozen possibility.

...life should be more like that. Except at peak moments, it isn't - but your prose evokes those memories, regardless; thanks.

*Wow, thanks for actually pointing these out to me. A writer doesn't always know whether she's hitting the mark or just being a twat.*

Plot/Creativity: 5

I don't know how to quantify the "creative" aspect here. I don't think you cared about the plot. *I did, it just didn't come out fully, as explained in my first post* To the extent that it exists, it services your prose. Your work tends to involve a surreal, dreamlike aspect anyway; this one borders on psychedelic. The "drink this, develop X power" is an old gimmick, which I would forgive, except that the plot it drives is abstract enough that the story has little focus.Well, I wasn't really picturing Alice in Wonderland here, so if that's the way it came off, then it's definitely something to work on. In my mind, the chalices were filled with blood, each infused with a particular quality, and the purpose of each being to create new abilities and provide new dangers, rather than to change you intrinsically (like shrinking to the size of a flower or something)*


* Enjoyment: 5.5

Again, my enjoyment is based mostly on those transcendent moments you've written. They're great. That's all I have to go on, though.


Theme: 7

The main character is satisfyingly overpowered. *Good. Now I think it's time I got myself a satisfying beer.*

Thanks everybody for the quality feedback. That's all a hack like me can ask for!

[BatCountry]

Yeah I feel like this story has some huge potential. What you got so far is great so it can only get better. I love how detailed and vivid your descriptions can be, I as a reader really appreciate that you clearly care about what you write down when you're being serious about it.


My rating is the second one by the way. Looking at the comments you posted I do think I probably should of given you a higher score on theme. I don't know, I guess I just wanted to see more powers and some sort of aspiration for Sorin. You only had the blue chalice option fleshed out as you have stated and now that I see what you are trying to do with the different paths, it makes more sense to me. He is just exploring the world, taking his time as no other could ever do. So in that regard, that is power. What he must of learned from centuries in the ocean, or anywhere else for that matter. Makes sense that he can't relate well with other people. I love the angle.



I seriously was very close to doing a similar story. Mine of course would of been horrendously violent and probably had some maddening sexual/homicidal moments in it. I love the idea of the vampire in general I guess. You can go so many ways with it, and I loved your unique take. I really hope you continue it in some capacity!

[Vesnic]

My rating is the second one by the way. Looking at the comments you posted I do think I probably should of given you a higher score on theme.

Well, trashing the person who's your closest competition is an effective method of cinching the lead!

Just one thing, Bat: please start using that wonderful perfect tense perfectly. "Could of"? Seriously? I don't deserve to lose to that.

[BatCountry]

I apologize for my forum postings not being up to snuff miss Ves. Obviously I meant should have, should've , or whatever pleases you. I write quickly and often write how I speak. Writing "should've" is awkward to me and it's a mistake I often make when writing quickly and not editing. I guess I don't feel that bad about it, but I understand your frustration in losing to a common dullard. So I fully accept my grammar, syntax, punctuation, whatever, will never be perfection on these forums or even my stories. You can all just consider yourselves lucky that anything I write is even legible.


Also, I hope you are kidding about me purposefully giving you a lower score on theme. I obviously had no idea how the votes would go. Honestly, any one of us could of won. My vote reflected what I thought in the moment. Looking at your comments today made me think perhaps I was too hasty in my judgement. I would never dock a score so I could win a (in reality) meaningless contest.

[Vesnic]

Oh those darn internetz, they just don't convey tone properly. My statement was meant to be "wryly droll". I wasn't seriously suggesting that you would bugger the contest in such a nefarious way. I know you have more integrity than that. Sometimes my speech is just so...diuretic...it can't be properly contained.

You don't really think I'd be so drippy as to rain on your parade in such a lugubriously uncharitable fashion, do you, pookums?

I'd never of done something like that.

[BatCountry]

Pookums? Oh for the love of all that is holy don't give me that nickname. That's all I need for the wandering barbarians of these forums to forever point and laugh at "Pookums". It's cute for sure, but AT WHAT COST MAN?!

Bad enough in the real world I'm known as Pooky at my job by various women folk. Don't need that spreading to the internet lands as well! Oh the shame and humiliation of being a lovable lug.


No, I did believe you were kidding but I have to be sure. Any hiccups like that would just cause our wedding to fall to pieces before it even has a chance to get off the ground! I like a servant wife who will never question my motives. I'm a hard man that way.

[Vesnic]

Happy IS-Day to you!
You burly pooky cooky gooky poo!
Happy VICTORY, hard BatCountry
You massive titanium screw!

[Usoki]

All in favor of making BatC's new nickname "Pookum the Barbarian"?

[Vesnic]

I say aye! PookyB in da' company!

[BatCountry]

All in favor of making BatC's new nickname "Pookum the Barbarian"?

...


...


You son of a bitch.

[Usoki]

Embrace the love, PookyB. Such nicknames are honors bestowed. It means that you're one of us. How do you think I became Usucky, the angry japanese midget?

[BatCountry]

. How do you think I became Usucky, the angry japanese midget?

The truth?

[Vesnic]

And how do you think I became Veshy, or, alternatively, Vessy McMessy?
Or alternatively ... oh, we'll leave that last one for another day.

[End Master]

Really, I liked this story more than the other two Ves submitted for the past contests.

I actually started with her story first because I went in thinking, "Okay I need to do this first while my mind is semi-focused because I'm going have to wade through a bunch of artsy writing, allegories, metaphors, and a bunch of other fancy stuff."

I was glad to find that it wasn't the case this time. It was a nice whimsical tale about a vampire who can jump to the moon!