Finally...

[Locke]

"Today is a good day, for spiders can not fly."

That's an oddly specific signature you picked, and I feel like I should tell you you're mistaken. Plenty of spiders can fly. They spin out strings of thread as long as twenty feet and float with them for miles at a time.

There's this one species of migrating spider in Brazil. At any given moment in those towns that end up in the migration path, there are thousands of spiders just falling out of the sky, landing wherever, and spinning out more web to have another go. It looks like this, except everywhere.



Anyway, you might want to consider the signature. It looked like you were thinking about keeping it, so I had to say something.

[Vulpes]

Hmm...so you guys did manage to find me a joke ruining asshole. I feel welcome already. ^_^

Regardless, the spiders can't fly where I am, so it's still a good day. And what does it matter? I mean, if anything, Endmaster's signature is more inaccurate than mine. Seriously, what kind of packaging company has the hazmat equipment necessary to stuff a bunch of diseased primates into a barrel. And, what purpose would cramming said "Ebola-ridden monkeys" into a barrel serve? Plus, it really goes without saying that writing is more fun than fever and internal hemorrhaging, unless you have some weird "bleeding on the inside" fetish.

[End Master]

Who said it was a packing company doing it for any useful purpose? It could just be some degenerate Liberian shoving Ebola ridden monkeys in a barrel for various reasons known only to him.

So while the the sig might be pointing out the obvious, it's not inaccurate. (Unless you're a really big fan on commiting suicide via deadly diseases or a bio-terrorist I suppose.)

[Malkalack]

And this conversation just went from "Odd," to "EndMaster" rather quickly.

[Locke]

it really goes without saying that writing is more fun than fever and internal hemorrhaging

That's true. Let's really look at the signature, though (given this community, it's kind of odd that no one's mentioned it till now).

I think we can agree that any measure of fun has to take place after the monkeys have been infected with Ebola, and packed in the barrel. I'm also going to assume that the barrel makes it through customs and gets delivered, without anyone having fun along the way.

To begin with, just watching the delivery guy roll the barrel up to the door gets a tick on the enjoyment meter. I don't have a lot going on in my life right now, so that's easily enough to get me interested. The process of signing for it is kind of boring, though, almost enough to negate the interest factor (especially if there are shipping charges).

Still, here we are, in possession of a barrel of Ebola ridden monkeys. I'm going to leave aside any schadenfreude with regard to the disease, since others have already mentioned it, but we don't even have to open the barrel to get the good times rolling.

End Master never mentioned what kind of wood (I'm assuming wood) the barrel is made of, whether there's any ventilation, or how many monkeys might be packed inside (and are they Rhesus monkeys? Capuchins? He's been pretty close-mouthed about this, all things considered).

Anyway, I can't think of much to do with an unopened barrel. Unless you get off on just pushing it around (I don't), it could be rolled down an incline and smashed on something, or used as a decoration. The latter choice relies on the aesthetic sensibilities of whoever shipped it in the first place, and given that they've sealed a bunch of diseased monkeys inside, I don't think there's a lot of hope there. Still - if you believe in feng shui - put it in the right place and it might help you channel some energy. Your day could conceivably get just a little bit brighter. I suppose it could also be used as a footstool, chair, or table, depending on the size.

At this point, we're going to open the barrel. Any fun to be had from this point forward will have to occur within the next month, before the disease becomes fatal. I'm going to discount the possibility of surviving, meeting the love of your life in the containment ward, and so forth. That said, a great deal depends on the condition of the monkeys. If they're healthy enough to run around and get into things, I'm sure there's enjoyment to be had there. After all, that's where the original saying came from. End Master explicitly states that the monkeys are ridden with Ebola, though - not merely affected by it, or carrying the disease - so if they are still alive, there's probably not much to be done with them.

Still, that does leave us the empty barrel. We could keep it open - use it as a storage container, a rain catch, or bob for apples - or reseal it and make use of it as a closed barrel again. Since we've removed the monkeys, the barrel will be significantly lighter, and should float. It can be placed in a tank of water and used as practice for a lumberjack competition. Or a pool toy.

TL;DR

We're going to use Occam's razor here. The value to be had from the monkeys is an unknown, but the barrel is more of a given, and you end up with the barrel any way you look at it. Let's forget about the monkeys. The fact that you end up with Ebola at some point is incidental to what happens in the meantime, anyway, and isn't relevant.

End Master's revised signature reads

Writing: It's more fun than a barrel!

which can't be proven, and is in many cases untrue. Think of the last time you filed your taxes. Hell, when I was a kid, I had to write "I will not throw rocks at people" a hundred times, and I hated it. It took me an entire day. The barrel would've been orders of magnitude more interesting.

I can only conclude that End Master's signature is nothing more than a lie he's been telling everyone since at least 2007, when he first signed on to the new forums. He should probably be ashamed of himself.

[End Master]

I can only conclude that End Master's signature is nothing more than a lie he's been telling everyone since at least 2007.

2005 actually.

Glad this was brought up though, it inspired a google search and I found another stalker not just using the sig but most of my profile in their "about me" section.

http://www.myth-weavers.com/member.php?u=116950

[Vulpes]

Hmm...it must be someone from CYS. Go figure.

[Drakoblare]

Wait, you seem a lot less of a fag in this post. You even used the "f" word when unprovoked? The fuck is wrong with you m8?

Anyway, I don't take kindly insults from the likes of you. Screw it, I'm joining the WC camp.

[mizal]

Oh look, James made an account.

I'm sorry I called you 'fox boy', James. It's just that you're clearly obsessed with them, and I thought pretending you were a literal fox tapping away at a keyboard was kinder than saying you were a furry who only cares about animals because you want to be able to continue using them as a masturbation aid.

[End Master]

Oh look, James made an account.

I'm sorry I called you 'fox boy', James. It's just that you're clearly obsessed with them, and I thought pretending you were a literal fox tapping away at a keyboard was kinder than saying you were a furry who only cares about animals because you want to be able to continue using them as a masturbation aid.

Don't bother Mizal, fox boy had a complete fucking meltdown over at CYS recently. Said a bunch of people were being mean to him and told everyone GOODBYE FOREVER (again).

Here's the lulz if you're interested.

http://chooseyourstory.com/forums/th.../message/14732

[mizal]

Oh my God, how did I miss all that, that's amazing.

Poor James. People on the internet...were mean to him??!? What an awful world we live in.

(Clearly suicide is the only answer.)

[donteatpoop]

Yeah, that's really not like people on the interwebz.