Ves Ranting

[End Master]

Fair enough, I think. So I draw tiffany getting fucked by a dog while she sucks off an old man.

I can't draw worth shit (save for stick figures) so I just wrote dirty stories about girls and showed them to people instead, including the girls I wrote about.

If I was attracted to her, she was usually having sex with me in the story. If I wasn't, then the girl was usually reduced to being some ugly crack whore type that got killed or something. I was equal opportunity though, I made fun of guys in my stories as well. Usually they were reduced to faggotry with each other or other some such loserdom.

For the most part everyone found them pretty funny, it probably helped that the audience was mostly black and they tend to have a better sense of humor about shit. (This was around the height of "Def Comedy Jam" so insult humor was pretty popular at the time) I got the most complaints from the few white girls in my school one whom got all upset and me and my notebook got hauled into the principle's office. where upon I got compared to Hitler and was advised to get professional help. Then my dad got called in and my notebook was handed to him and it was suggested he destroy it.

Naturally my dad being the cool dude he was did no such thing and handed it back to me when we got home. And told me not to get caught next time and I didn't. So I continued to write even more graphic stories about people while avoiding "The Man."

There was one guy who threatened to kick my ass if I continued to make fun of him, but despite him being three times bigger than me, I ignored him and continued anyway. He never did anything.

But it wasn't the stories that really got me the sexual harassment threats, it was the physical touching. In retrospect, it's sort of amazing I didn't get into more trouble with that, but it was sort of a trial and error thing. Some girls didn't give a shit and just let me do it, some threatened sexual harassment, and others just slapped me and moved on. I tended to avoid touching the ones who threatened sexual harassment due to the legal shit. The slapping though I could handle.

Oh and just for Ves here's a story where it was implied that I was going to RAPE some girl. I was in third grade at the time.

There was this girl that I liked and told her so in the typical way by writing her a note a passing it to her. The guy that was sitting between us read it and said "Are you sure you want me to give this to her?" and I of course said "Yeah!"

So she got the note and everyone around her laughed and she just had a look like "Why me?" In came the taunts of "Sitting in a tree...etc" Most of the taunts though were towards her though, I got some taunts as well, but it's really not too much fun to taunt someone when they agree with it.

Anyway my affections were not returned, a lesson I had not learned back in kindergarden when I insisted on holding another hapless girl's hand all the time and a lesson I obviously failed to learn when I was slightly stalking a girl in college.

But I liked her damn it and I was bound and determined that she was going to like me back, this meant of course me following her around a lot and telling her how much I liked her. I even joined violin class because she was joining it. And that ended up sucking because she ended up getting into trouble by getting an F on some homework paper and got kicked out of violin class before it even began and I was fucking stuck there!

Sadly, all good things must come to an end and she got transferred to another class for some reason, but I could at least still see her at lunch time when I got the opportunity.

What happened one day I didn't actually plan, I just sort of took advantage of the situation.

Basically I was chasing her around the school yard and some other guys who thought this whole thing was funny decided to step in and they managed to grab her for me. Naturally she was telling them to let her go, but they didn't. So seizing the opportunity I kissed her quickly while she tried to turn her face away (Just like the villain in the movies!) and ran off laughing thinking nothing more of it.

Yeah I got called in to the principal's office.

It was actually the vice principle who spoke with me and she wanted a complete run down of everything that happened. She started asking me if they held her down and if I got on top of her, etc. Even at that young age I knew what she was getting at, and while none of that happened (Everyone was on their feet the whole time) I decided I wasn't getting into trouble for any of this.

So I blamed it all on the other guys. I said they were sort of forcing me to kiss her (peer pressure!) even though I didn't really want to. So I got let off with a warning and told to stay away from her. I agreed and went on my way.

I don't know what happened to the other guys, but I assume nothing bad happened and it wasn't like they sought revenge on me. As for the girl, she wound up in my 4th grade class, but by that time the "thrill" was sort of gone and while there were still the occasional unwanted advances (mainly for cheap laughs) I wasn't really interested in her anymore since I found out she was always getting "Fs" and "Ds" on a regular basis so I wrote her off as an idiot that I didn't like anymore.

[ChubbyTeletubby]

My 8th grade year was spent in Puerto Cabezas, Nicaragua, a secluded port city on the Miskito Coast of Nicaragua.

An intriguing city, looking back. But I hated it at the time. Any one of you would have hated it too. Anyway, my dad, in an effort so "immerse me in the culture" sent me to a school there. There really aren't public schools, just private protestant and catholic schools.

This one was protestant of course. Sorry, ves.

Immediately, I was a celebrity. It was overwhelming. I literally had girls chasing after the piece of shit russian car my dad had purchased. The experience might have been enjoyable if I wasn't so......overwhelmed.

My year there was...quite something. Some of the stories are hardly believable, and I was a bit of a brat. I'm surprised I didn't get myself hurt.

My fridnd from america, who had come on the "mercy ship" my dad had been sent to nicaragua to prepare for

[ChubbyTeletubby]

Here's a pic, or two. How does sea turtle taste? Awesome! However I've always loved turtles and was horrified to watch these amazing creatures slowly dying on the beach, on their shells. I would write more but this phone is tooo small and spelling errors so rife. Throughout my posts due to the fact my fingers are too big for this gnomish keyboard

Stupid phone. God I hate writing on this phone but my computer is fucked right now. Anyway, my friend and I are walking along the beach and a guy comes running. Muscle bound, of course. In perfect english he says, "nice watch. Can I use it for a minute?" My pal hands over the watch, guy runs off.

I start laughing. He looks at me all pissed. I couldn't help it though.

So the next year I'm back in colorado. Freshman year, in total shell shock. And then isee val gendernalik. Burnette with blue eyes. I was entranced. I had a hard time making friends that year and no girls were into me.

So I focused my loneliness on val. Left her notes in her locker. Found her home address. Left notes on what I thought was her window. I forget what the notes said. I forget how it ended, but when she finally found out who I was I asked her if she wanted me to leave her alone. She said yes. I did.

But ya that was my only stalker experience. I wish I remember what the notes said. I think I was trying to be eloquent. Who knows. Who fucking knows. I was such a dork freshman year. That summer tho I totally changed. My girlfriend the next year was actually really fucking hot. Like, amazing. Made up for the masturbation fest that had been my 8th and 9th grade years. She's the one I lost my virginity too. Mmmmmmmm.....the memories.

[Vesnic]

Actually there ARE public schools in Central America, they're just all such rundown pieces of shit, it's easy to mistake them for body shops or dog pounds. I know this because I was a teacher at one of these aforementioned horrors for an entire summer.

I was very serious about the whole thing at first, right up to the point where I realized that this was all just a lot of white privilege bullshit and it was really quite possible I was doing them more harm than good by waltzing into their depressed little forgotten hell on the ocean, forcing my language down their throats for a few months, giving pompous know-it-all advice and then fucking off back to bigger and better things, like my elite little college in Boston. At that elite little college, I was asked to make a presentation about my experience at their annual conference which is always announced with the greatest of pompous fanfare, with many attending dignitaries and would-be donors. I said of my experience, in slightly more embellished terms, exactly what I've been saying here. I never again received any sort of largesse, grant, stipend or loan from my dear alma mater.

When I wasn't busy patting myself on the back or masturbating to thoughts of Uncle Sam, I was generally trying to avoid the town drunks (everyone with a dong), preparing the dad's insulin shots, getting glucose poisoning from the kool-aid they drank by the gallon to try to forget the fact that their water tasted like feces, delousing the dog, fending off the evil parrot who hated me, molesting turtles, trying not to fall into crab-infested crevices, contracting strange respiratory diseases, waking up in a cold sweat just seconds before hearing a gun fired and a pig squeal, having my underwear get soaked on the line by the daily fucking monsoons, trying to adjust to the fact that the "bathroom" and "kitchen" were in fact the same room, and nowhere did the ceiling meet the walls, taking in the sheer scary magnitude of the sky, watching the strange pink sunsets, getting caught up in mosquito netting that was already half-black from entrapped dead buggies, trying to remember that mixing malaria medicine with alcohol was NOT a good idea, swearing my head off in English and enjoying the fact that no one understood me, reading Lord Jim and having an almost supernatural experience as my life there seemed to parallel his, and, that greatest of themes from Lord Jim, feeling such staggering, staggering disappointment in myself. What was I doing there? Whom was I helping? Little Lydia was seven years old and wanted only to be by my side. She told me I was pretty, she stroked my hair, she drew pictures of unicorns and left them on my windowsill. Once she trudged through a dangerous thunderstorm in the pitch black of night from her little lean-to on the beach to my house on slightly higher ground, just to sit next to me and look at me for a few minutes. I wanted to walk her home, but my "sister" told me little Lydia "no vale la pena". She wasn't worth it. Here was the sweetest little girl I'd ever met or will ever meet, and all because of some provincial nonsense involving her drunkard father, the whole family lived in shame and no one saw what she was made of. That was ten years ago. Little Lydia is now 17 and who knows what's become of her. I certainly don't. Constancy is the greater part of love. What I did there was not loving, and I regret it and I wish I could apologize to everyone in that sad little town where the roads washed out and the buses tipped over.

[Vesnic]

Grotesque picture of dead turtle

Holy shit! That isn't an Olive Ridley, is it? The ridleys came to my beach in huge numbers called the arribada to lay their eggs and then trundle back out to sea. The town's only real source of income came from selling (a very limited quantity) of turtle eggs in big sand-packed bags to bars where they were renowned as aphrodisiacs, saving a few for the locals to scramble at breakfast, and then letting the rest hatch. They even had a hatchery and a resident biologist to make sure the whole thing went down smoothly. I participated in this process. I danced on the sand, harvested the eggs, packed them in bags, and made friends with the turtles. They're ugly motherfuckers, but I will love the tortuga lora till the day I die.

IT IS 100% illegal to harm these turtles!





My little school, where I "taught English" until the day I decided it would be more fun and productive to play games outside.





The sky never looked so enormous as it did on that wide lonely beach.





Early-morning harvesting of fresh eggs after the previous night's mass nesting.





A straggler finishes up her business.

[ChubbyTeletubby]

Yes it is an olive ridley. Amazing creatures. Itt is illegal to harm these turtles. However the slaughter ocurred, unabated, my entire time there. And probably still does. Everybody eats them there. Its something they've been doing for hundreds of years. Sad? Yes. Complicated problem with no real solution? Yes.

Puerto cabezas is as isolated as you can get, really. There's no paved roads in north eastern nicaragua. The airfield was built by the usa during the contra war of the 1980s. So its no completely isolated. There's also the dock.

We got there by boat.

Pretty fucking heart breaking, especially since it take hours for these turtles to die in front of your eyes.

[Vesnic]

Home sweet home! My "sister" Feti smiles sweetly from the kitchen and you can see the tortilla maker's about to get all fired up.





Lydia.

[ChubbyTeletubby]

Wow, Ves! Thanks!

I was on a backwater tributary of the amazon river, in a real wonderland. Butterflies the size of birds! Spider monkeys glaring at you in the trees. Sounds I will never forget. The sounds were almost more amazing than the sights!

And don't forget the river dolphins and piranhas!!!

Before my dad came to his senses, and put all his energy toward humanitarian work, we were straight up missionaries.

Spreading the good mews or news of christ. Gimme a break!

I was twelve at the time, and as we floated along through the black, life giving water in our canoe the leader of our group said god had spoken to him and I was supposed to be the one doing the "preaching" in the village we were approaching.

As the people stared at me with a mix of wonder and pure confusion, I delivered my "sermon". In english. It was a pretty low moment for me. I didn't want to do it but I had to.

What a joke! Who did we think we were? My dad later apologized. I'm glad he finally came to his senses before dengue fever took him.

[ilakassaa]

oh its great

nothing else needs

[Vesnic]

That dream must have really fucked me up.

I can see I'll have to go in lock-down mode tonight. Stay away from people, don't answer the phone, don't eat and don't think about the many sharp objects present in my bedroom.

"Hey baby, can you bleed like me?"

EDIT: I'm so sorry, little puppies! You deserve to live more than I do!

[ChubbyTeletubby]

Fuck those puppies!

They were probably diseased, anyway. The snakigator deserves to live, too. Such a rare and exotic creature. Much like yourself.

Well, the rare and exotic part. I don't imagine you have sharp dripping fangs.

Hey, make sure to leave a window open while you're in lockdown mode tonight so I can......

You know...

Thanks!

[ChubbyTeletubby]

Seriously, Ves....

Please don't do whatever it is you're thinking of doing. For your favorite teletubby. Please don't .

[Vesnic]

Caveat Emptor!

Okay, so I am really in need of some GURLFRENZ in my life! My online ladies aren't answering their chats and emails and the real-life ones are just...well, let's just say they're not around much.

So that leaves you lot.

I think that with a little work, a teensy touch here and there, a wardrobe fixeroo or two, you could all be transformed into my very own gaggle of gals, my henhouse, my clique extraordinaire!

Isn't this GR8 guys? I mean, GURLZ?

So, let's see, we've got the round girl in the yellow dress, the short Japanese lesbian, the redheaded roller-derby queen (Yes, the carpet DOES match the curtains!), the one who's only here because she's a friend of a friend, the slutty Latina (That's YOU, End!), the new girl who's still on probation, Amelia Earhart and the skinny one who's hated by the fat one because she's, duhhhh, skinny!

Okay, ladies, here's my little quandary du jour. I bought what I thought was going to be a fun and flirty summer frock from a website called ideeli which specializes in cutting-edge fashion at a discount. IDEALLY, the product in hand should at least vaguely resemble the photograph which made me want to buy said product in the first place, n'est-ce pas? But what arrived in my mailbox today is a paper-thin totally sheer little polyester shift MADE IN BLOODY CHINA with a fault on the back and all rumpled and ugly and stuff. My dear intelligent ladies, please compare said image (which for some reason I can't get in the proper rotation...oh well, I'm just a dizzy dame!) with the picture from the site, which you can see with your very own little peepers, is pictured with a lining. Is this not misleading? How was I to know I was only getting half a dress? I am so, like, angry and shit. I wrote these people and told them they don't know balls about customer service and I want my money back! Or, better yet, they could give me a free coupon for something better and more expensiver because they, like, totally owe me! Piffle!



The sad reality.



The dreamy ideal.

Okay, now that we've hashed this out, let's all go out for chocotinis and talk about BOYZZZ!!!

Tee hee!

[End Master]

Well I can't be of too much help, seeing as I know nothing of fashion, but yeah I'd say you should definitely get your money back. It doesn't even look similar to the dress below, it looks more like one of those see through night gowns. (At the angle I'm looking at it from anyway)

[Vesnic]

it looks more like one of those see through night gowns.

Perhaps you do know something of fashion, End. That's exactly what I thought when I tried it on, especially without the "belt" tied. That's another misnomer: the "belt" is just a little strip of the same crappy material to tie around the front. I actually thought for a minute that maybe I could use it as sleepwear, but the drape is pretty ugly and shapeless, so blech.

You're a slutty Latina. I'm sure you can tell me where to go in the Bronx for a cheap dress, a blonde wig and falsies!