Tales from our collective past

[End Master]

Wow. That's one shitty work place you have.

Your user name has never been more appropriate.

[Vesnic]

I think I might have just pinched a small loaf in my pants. I was out on my daily constitutional, this time headed to the Mickey D's on the corner to get something slimy to help celebrate the World Cup when all of a sudden, I felt the need. But I was blocks away from home and blocks from a toilet so I just sort of clenched and hoped for the best; but that might not have been enough. It seems that taking industrial doses of laxative in a last-ditch effort to lose a few pounds before one's birthday is not actually the best idea in the world. Who'da thunk it, right?

Even chicks have to poop, and cute chicks too. I am still a cute chick, by the way, even if I do act these days more like a silly old goose.

In the eternal words of Swift:

Thus finishing his grand survey,
Disgusted Strephon stole away
Repeating in his amorous fits,
Oh! Celia, Celia, Celia shits!


Oh, and one more thing. I never counted on the hallucinogenic properties of poop pills, but they're actually quite powerful. Last night my dreams were full of vampires and homoerotic starbursts of full-frontal femmes fatales sticking their icy crown points into the tender white flesh of my throat. But I digress.

Poop is in. Sex is out.

[End Master]

I remembered this girl in third grade peed while sitting at her desk and it spilled over onto the floor underneath. Fortunately it was the end of the day, so we were all going home anyway, but I couldn't stop laughing the whole time I was running to my locker.

Her friends were sort of mad at me for laughing at Monique's bladder plight, so they pushed me as I was running and I slipped and slid across the smooth school floor still laughing the whole time. I had on heavier clothing due to it being winter at the time so it didn't hurt (Kind of fun actually), but I just couldn't stop laughing though until I walked out the school.

[Vesnic]

Today as I stepped off the bus, the driver said, "Bye-bye Hot Stuff".
As the rumbling double-decker disappeared down the road, I threw up all over the sidewalk.

[Locke]

...would it be better if he'd said, "Take a hike, fugly"?

Or is the issue that the bus driver himself was not attractive, and it troubles you that you appeal to unattractive bus drivers?

[dreamshell]

There is, perhaps, a middle ground scenario between these two wherein the driver either made some comment of general goodwill and kindliness without regards to his perception of her attractiveness, or else shut the hell up altogether.

I know, it's a stretch. But certainly we're all familiar with the idea of fantasy here.

It is also possible the two events were entirely unrelated. Maybe Ves has recently contracted a covert strain of Ebola that's snuck its way into whatever weird Eastern European hellhole she seems to reside in. Cue comment she considers markedly contrary to how she's feeling, followed by physical evidence (i.e. vomitus) in support of her opinion. Comedy gold.

[Locke]

There is, perhaps, a middle ground scenario between these two wherein the driver made some comment of general goodwill and kindliness without regards to his perception of her attractiveness.

See, that's what I think actually happened. The driver saw Ves get on the bus. He could tell she was having a bad day, and the whole time she sat there, he was racking his brain for something to cheer her up, some compliment that would make her afternoon just a little bit more bearable.

Maybe it was a short bus ride, maybe he just wasn't that good at it. Hell, he's a bus driver. I hate to generalize, but they aren't known for their sense of poise and sophisticated ways. Anyway, he did the best he could. At the last moment, when it was clear he was out of time, he said the only thing he could think of, hoping it would strike the right note.

He complimented Ves on her appearance.

She left this part out of the story, but I imagine she said something really hateful, or shot him a glare of disgust or spat in his direction as she stepped out onto the street, before he could even try to make it right.

The driver watched sadly in his mirror as the bus pulled away, but Ves saw him, stuck her finger down her throat, and vomited all over the sidewalk. He probably wanted to stop and help her even then, but he couldn't risk his job, or the corresponding welfare of his wife and children.

I like to think someone was there to console him for trying to do the right thing.

Ves doesn't say what happened afterward either, but I sort of doubt she stopped to clean up the unsanitary mess she'd just made. The bus driver seems like a decent guy at heart, so I think it continued to bother him for the rest of his shift as he agonized over the other things he might have said or done. When he finished waiting in the bread line, he went home to his wife and children, where they prayed together for Ves over their simple meal.

Meanwhile, Ves stalked away from the scene, snarling at anyone who got too close. She bought a bottle of Perrier to cleanse the taste of vomit from her mouth as she walked home, where she logged onto the forum to post her biased lies, expecting all of us to approve and not call her out on the truth.

[donteatpoop]

Guys, guys, guys...

Clearly the bus driver was talking to someone else.

[End Master]

Clearly the bus driver was talking to someone else.

Probably this guy.



Oh Harvey comics and your hilarious child-friendly occult endorsing protagonists!

[Vesnic]

It is also possible the two events were entirely unrelated...Cue comment she considers markedly contrary to how she's feeling, followed by physical evidence (i.e. vomitus) in support of her opinion. Comedy gold.

Aaandd the award goes to dreamshell, but thanks all the same guys, for this valuable lesson in the power of minimalism. I almost hate to give it away, but I don't want Dream to go unacknowledged here, so yes: I found the juxtaposition of a random and harmless compliment from the bus driver (lulz at you, Locke and Poop) with the little pile of unrelated sick I immediately thereafter deposited upon the sidewalk vaguely amusing enough to post here.

And no, I did not clean it up.

Edit: The award for speculative fiction, however, must go to Locke, whose portrayal of me as the golden bitch of my dreams can only serve as future inspiration and motivation.
And just in case...

See, that's what I think actually happened. The driver saw Ves get on the bus. He could tell she was having a bad day, and the whole time she sat there, he was racking his brain for something to cheer her up, some compliment that would make her afternoon just a little bit more bearable.

Maybe it was a short bus ride, maybe he just wasn't that good at it. Hell, he's a bus driver. I hate to generalize, but they aren't known for their sense of poise and sophisticated ways. Anyway, he did the best he could. At the last moment, when it was clear he was out of time, he said the only thing he could think of, hoping it would strike the right note.

He complimented Ves on her appearance.

She left this part out of the story, but I imagine she said something really hateful, or shot him a glare of disgust or spat in his direction as she stepped out onto the street, before he could even try to make it right.

The driver watched sadly in his mirror as the bus pulled away, but Ves saw him, stuck her finger down her throat, and vomited all over the sidewalk. He probably wanted to stop and help her even then, but he couldn't risk his job, or the corresponding welfare of his wife and children.

I like to think someone was there to console him for trying to do the right thing.

Ves doesn't say what happened afterward either, but I sort of doubt she stopped to clean up the unsanitary mess she'd just made. The bus driver seems like a decent guy at heart, so I think it continued to bother him for the rest of his shift as he agonized over the other things he might have said or done. When he finished waiting in the bread line, he went home to his wife and children, where they prayed together for Ves over their simple meal.

Meanwhile, Ves stalked away from the scene, snarling at anyone who got too close. She bought a bottle of Perrier to cleanse the taste of vomit from her mouth as she walked home, where she logged onto the forum to post her biased lies, expecting all of us to approve and not call her out on the truth.

Edit Edit: As for that little red devil, I didn't see him on Bus 1-6, though everybody seems to agree he is the spitting image of my own future spawn.

[Vesnic]

People are such enduringly bizarre animals. I was watching a dull movie and feeling annoyed by the young woman behind me who kept coughing and coughing in that resigned sort of way that makes you want to shake the person and shout "WHY ARE YOU HERE WHEN YOU KNOW PERFECTLY WELL YOU'RE SICK?!" Anyway, she kept coughing and coughing and I could feel my whole row tense up and start breathing in shallow little gasps because I guess we're all afraid of ebola or something. Anyway, the lady next to me, who had not so much as sniffled since she came in and who I'm willing to bet, despite being a good 20 years my senior, is probably in much better health, this lady actually took a cough drop out of her purse and...gave it to the TB case behind us? No, no of course not! She popped it in her own gob and I swear from the corner of my eye I could detect a real air of self-satisfaction and hear a sizable sigh of relief. I had no idea cough drops were actually preventive medicine. People, with their bizarre little rituals and their endless twitches and tics and compulsions...it's really just one long dance of crazy from sun-up to sundown, isn't it? Sometimes I feel such fear looking at all the reptile brains around me, wondering just how much of their total daily activity is in fact completely automated, how much they could do just as well after a lobotomy or two. Oh god, am I like that too? Another woman on the other side of me nodded off several times during the really overly long film, but I swear she was not the only person in that room who was fast asleep. People give me the creeps.

[dreamshell]

I've got a new job lately that has me dealing with masses of people at a time, so I've been in what is, for me, a novel position to notice this same sort of automaton behavior. It's a bit weird/amusing/unnerving to watch customers repeat the same patterns and phrases, blindly follow the leader or stir suddenly from their own thoughts when addressed. Sometimes their replies or greetings are pure reflex and nonsensical to what someone's said to them. I must admit this occasionally happens on my end, too, but at least I can argue it's due to exerting minimum effort for the sake of efficiency.

A coworker referred to all this as "sheepish" behavior, in both the sense of shyness when stirred unexpectedly from reverie and the general predisposition of people to conform with those around them. Pretty apt, but they say groups are much more predictable than the individual, anyway.

I guess I just hope these instances of absent-minded shuffling are more a product of specific situations rather than the fundamental state of humanity overall. But there's definitely something to be said for how much of a person's daily routine is functioning on autopilot. And it is uncomfortable to know I must fall prey to this same crowd-based monobrain at times, too.

[Vesnic]

You know, that's interesting. I don't think I've ever dealt with what you call "masses" of people at a time, but the job that I look back on with the most reflection was certainly the one where I had a rolling cast of characters to analyze and wonder at every day. I've noticed a marked increase in the hive-mind kind of behavior in say the last ten years or so, not that people were terribly independent before then. It just seems like the sort of thing that has endless space for expansion. I've found the one thing which people can't abide in public is stillness. Acting like a freak is all very well and good, but if you ever want to play a little game and do a little of your own research, try just not doing anything for an extended period of time in a public space. I don't mean putting on your best zombie impression or pretending like Colonel Mustard has just stuck a knife in your back in the billiard room. No no, just be...calm. Don't fiddle with your phone, don't play nervously with your shirt or your hair or your chair. Just be still, composed, self-contained. And hold that position for a few minutes.

Freaks them the fuck out every single time!

[Vulpes]

Well, a few years ago, I liked to go on long walks, especially in the evening, sometimes even after dark. I was living with my grandmother at the time, and she had this black cocker spaniel, who liked to follow me on these walks. Well, one night, I went out for a walk and he followed me. There was a car approaching, and I thought the dog, who was entirely black, was standing in the middle of the road, so I called him over to the side with me. Well, little did I know, he was actually safely on the other side of the road...until I called him. Needless to say, the dog got hit, and I was left guilt-stricken.

[Locke]

On the one hand, that's unfortunate.