I am Dead

[IMNOTCHUBBYTELETUBBYLOLJK]

Well I am rooting for you. If I could help somehow I would but I am stuck dealing with my own bullshit. You are definitely in my thoughts and prayers and I really feel for you. I've had to walk long distances before so I can relate to how it feels. You just soldier on. Just soldier on. At some point you just...like you said, you become numb and you just are marching like a robot.

I know this going to be a hard time for you but you seem like a very strong woman so just keep on truckin'.

[donteatpoop]

Get to Texas in good health and a sound mind and get your kids. They're the most important part. Sorry your mom is a coke whore. Also that your ex-bf is such a douche bag.

[Bucky]

You have a plan to get back, correct?

[IMNOTCHUBBYTELETUBBYLOLJK]

Plans are a luxury of the rich and the sellouts and the squares. The beautiful people. The rest of us just have to get by on a day by day, animalistic survival basis.

[IMNOTCHUBBYTELETUBBYLOLJK]

I know animalistic isn't a word but it should be, by God.

[IMNOTCHUBBYTELETUBBYLOLJK]

Survival on this level is almost a WORK OF ART. While the rest of America drowns in its boring debt and stress and monotony. Drones. Worker bees. No individual thought. No notion of what it is to truly SCRATCH for survival. Just CONSUMING. With no true concept of who they are. They've never looked at themselves in the mirror and truly seen their soul. It's a circus, modern America. A circus of drones and phones and consumerism. God Bless the USA

[IMNOTCHUBBYTELETUBBYLOLJK]

So God bless you, screaminginside, you are a strong woman who is truly a goddess. Fighting for your kids with no one on your side but fate. Nothing is more noble.

[screaminginside]

Just wanted to let yall know... I made it safe and sound and in one piece. Thanks for the support. I am driving down the final three hours with my aunt. We are picking my kids up on the 25th. Woohoo! Cant wait to grab them up and hug them and tell them that everything will be okay. We have literally nothing.... but as long as we are together, we will be just fine.

[IMNOTCHUBBYTELETUBBYLOLJK]

Thanks for the update. Thanks for making me smile.

[IMNOTCHUBBYTELETUBBYLOLJK]

It's funny how tears turn into steely resolve. It takes about a week or two. It's emotional chaos until then. But finally you START to become centered. These God damn bodies. I should thank God above I'm in good health. I should be writhing on the floor like gollum. I'm okay. Jesus Christ I don't think I've ever cried so many tears. And Ves prolly wont talk to me for another ten years.

Oh well.

Sorry? Ves?

*gets pummeled to death*

Sorry.

*dies*

[screaminginside]

Dont you love when people talk about you and dont seem to care whether you can see what they are saying or not?

For anyone who may be reading this thread from a link on another website... Just leave me alone please. I already have enough going on. Yeah, I post personal shit online. Who freaking cares?!? I need a support system somewhere... i need somewhere to vent. Judge me as you will and leave me be. Im freaking tired... I am so tired of people judging me when they dont even know me. yeah, i have alot of drama in my life... but did I do anything to deserve it? no. cant help I seem to be some kind of drama magnet. i hate freaking drama. but what I hate more is being judged! Only God can judge me and everyone else can shove it! (sorry, had to vent...)

[screaminginside]

The stares.The stares are starting to get to me. Eyes staring out of the darkness, condemning me to my fate. What have I done to deserve it? Doesnt matter. The judgement is still there, whether I deserve it or not. I'm used to ridicule, disrespect, shame... It doesnt faze me as it used to. I dont care anymore. I'm numb inside, no feelings left. I have nothing left but myself. They cant leave me be. They want to take away the only thing I have left: my pride. Go ahead. Have at it...

My pride is gone. All I can do is write. Try to distract myself from the pain inside. I cant even cry anymore. The pain consumes me, beckoning me, becoming me... I AM PAIN. I am dead inside. Poke my carcass with a stick and leave. Just go away.

And this is why I have few friends... A friend doesnt judge you, doesnt condemn you, doesnt abandon you in your time of need. A friend stands by you matter what and offers you support and encouragement. They tell you that everything will be alright, even though you doubt anything will ever be alright again.

so go ahead. stare at me. examine me. poke me. you will never truly understand what its like to truly be alone. but im not scared. im not ashamed. somehow I still have my faith. i have my few friends. and I write. it helps me to get by. it is what gets me through each day. so leave me be and let me write. thanks.

[IMNOTCHUBBYTELETUBBYLOLJK]

So PLEASE judge me, as well, as my carcass rots here on the ground. As the vultures pick at my eyes. PLEASE judge me. I need a judge. Do me the favor. Judge me while you play with your phone. Judge me. Condemn me. Sentence me to death, PLEASE.

[donteatpoop]

Did you just give us permission to poke you?

[IMNOTCHUBBYTELETUBBYLOLJK]

Yes. You can poke me in the ass, DEP. That's always been a given. That's always been the FOUNDATION of our friendship. That's just me. Screaminginside is another matter entirely.