IWT 7: Epilogue (Ratings!)

[End Master]

Not sure why everyone else thinks you're JJJ, but in my case it's mainly because I've seen JJJ post long ass critiques of stories over at CYS. So much so, that he'll actually split up the comments into two posts to get every little detail about what he felt was wrong and right with the story. You tend to be pretty detailed as well, but it still felt more like a JJJ comment.

Like I said though it was ONLY the statue comment that threw me, since I've never really seen JJJ throw around crude analogies in his serious detailed comments whereas the old IS Charm has certainly rubbed off on you and while you don't do it as much say me, DEP or Chubby, you do throw around the amusing obscene scenarios at times.

[donteatpoop]

(despite all the bitching, you did well yazz. thanks for putting it together. hope your gay busride was fun)


Mystic Elevator.


6/6/6

The writing style is distracting at times, sometimes there were lots of unnecessary words, could have used a second-read

over. Just as I was getting into it, there was an abrupt end and I never felt any kind of resolution.


1. Grammar - 7

2. Plot/Creativity - 7

3. Enjoyment - 7

It seems like I remember reading part of this somewhere before, but either way I really enjoyed it, even though it felt more

like a 28 Days Later inspired thing that actual 'Urban Fantasy'. Though, I guess zombies are technically fantasy too,

so...uh, nevermind. The
writing was good, I especially liked the little bit of humor tossed in the intro chapters before everything went to hell. I

happen to like traditional zombie stories, and several scenes were nicely creepy, but (and I feel like I'm saying this in my

comments for pretty much EVERY story) both main paths felt like they got cut off by the deadline just as they started to

really get going. I hope you decide to continue this sometime.


Spelling/Grammar: 10
Plot/Creativity: 9
Enjoyment: 9

I can't find much to criticize about it other than I got more of a horror vibe from it rather than an urban fantasy one.

Other than that it's a solid story.


Grammar: 8
Plot/Creativity: 8
Enjoyment: 8

I like where this was going, but none of the endings were particularly satisfying. The office branch is my favorite, as well

as the most fleshed-out, and I’d like to see more of what happens after the main character joins up with Johnson to go

undercover. Overall, there’s some lack of clarity about what’s going on and who these people from the alternate dimension are

or why the main character is thought to be dead (I guess his double who’s native to the alt. universe was killed).

Nonetheless, it was very fun to read and I’m confident that expanding on it later will lead to more explanations and more

substantial story arcs.


Grammar 10 – I didn’t spot any bloopers.

Enjoyment 9 – This had the hallmarks of a story that can have you doubting which is the character’s true reality by the time

the plot runs its course, one that starts to get you thinking. In particular I liked the narrative style. It flowed well and

was a pleasure to read.

Plot / Creativity 8.5
I liked the plot. The path where the hero goes to work and takes the elevator up was the most intriguing and in my opinion

the most well developed. The foreshadowing worked well, and the way things gradually got a little bit weirder with each

choice really built up the tension.

There were three distinctly different paths (that I found), and what interested me was how and each had its own separate mood

and narrative style. It really felt like these were three completely separate stories. I had the feeling, however, that the

Down elevator and the Stay at Home stories were a little rushed, but have the potential to shine through with a little TLC.


Grammar: 7
Plot/Creativity: 9
Enjoyment: 10

This story is so odd, yet so awesome. The portal to a new world is pretty much a dead, battered horse by now… but I don’t

mind seeing it again, because the jaded white-collar guy makes it interesting. It’s also unusual (from what I’ve seen) to

have a magical world be so twisted and dark- but then, given that you’re the author, I’m not at all surprised.

I did appreciate how the story moves into three different paths based on the central story concept, based on your initial

choices. One for the evil entering his world, one for him entering the evil’s world after it has taken hold, and one for him

taking the place of his lizard counterpart. It’s a nice variety, and it makes for almost three completely different stories.

I would have liked to have seen more about the Elevator Illuminati type organization that was hinted at, but perhaps that’s a

part of the unwritten sections.

And, of course, I simply must comment on the Rocky and Bullwinkle style of page titles. It’s a nice injection of humor-

especially amidst the sections of the story that are otherwise completely dark, gruesome, and devoid of hope.


Grammar: 8.5
Plot/Creativity: 7.5
Enjoyment: 8.7

Your grammar is pretty good. Not quite as good as Usoki’s; MRH would probably give you a 5 or something, but that’s still

high. “Mystic Elevator” is a good piece all around, but the grammar is better than I expected (of course, the stories of

yours I’m thinking of are all pretty dated).

You lose some points for Plot/Creativity. If the elevator theme hasn’t been done outright before, there are plenty of

variants (I felt a little HOID in there), and they aren’t your garden variety flesh-eating zombies, but the monsters don’t

particularly stand out, either. It is very well-written, though, and you come off better for that in the Plot category than

you otherwise would’ve.

This story really shines in terms of its ambience. I got a deliciously creepy vibe as I read through it, and your Enjoyment

rating earns a few points just for that. You put a lot of effort into the details; I like the repeated references to the ten

extra minutes, the sarcastic flavor, and the raw treatment of office life. You earn an additional two tenths of a point for

the AMM nostalgia reference, and your description of the Scottish stout (that, and it’s a good excuse to mess with Ryan’s

head). The phrase “metal spoon” is an odd personal favorite of mine, so I’m glad that got in there, intentionally or

otherwise. I love how oblivious you are to the whole thing throughout (office building daze, I guesss). You seem to have a

pessimistic view of society (epitomized in the character of Joe and the firing of the security guard), like myself, and I

sympathize.

You might like Thomas Dish’s story “Descending,” as it has similar overtones in some ways (probably online somewhere).

“You walk over to the brown haired, average looking and average sized Jim and try to figure out what the hell his deal is.

You go for the direct approach.

“What’s your deal?” You ask.”


Grammar: 7.5
Plot/Creativity: 9.5
Enjoyment: 9

This was my favorite story entered. I liked how there are three different sub-stories that all seem way different. Especially

the twilight zone stuff in the white-collar setting was cool. And I liked the "joke about fellatio" part. All the humor was

good.

I noticed a lot of grammatical errors, but without those, this story really was almost perfect. Hopefully it will take the

win.

[JJJ-thebanisher]

Sorry guys, I was the first one. Right now, it's smack-dab in the middle of midterm mania and I don't have a lot of time. (Physics midterm in 3 hours lol). Also, you're all as good or better than me at writing, so it's not like I need to lay down the basics or anything. Most (or all) of the faults you have are due to rushing to finish the contest, not lack of ability. Over at CYS when I'm giving really long critiques, it's because the people I'm giving them to don't understand the absolute basics of interactive fiction. But again, really sorry about the short critiques. Next time, I'll give a lot more feedback.

[donteatpoop]

In all cases, I am the one who weighted plot. So if there is a star by plot, it was me.

Thanks for the feedback. A lot of Mystic Elevator is clear in my head. Their not zombies, they're flesh eating sentient carnivors from another dimension. They've found a portal between worlds and have destroyed several different dimension/worlds. I can understand how they came off as zombies, though. The world destroyed is my favorite branch but it needs fleshed out like crazy, and that branch may seem familiar if you've come upon the few rooms I wrote for Apoth's HOID.

Anyway, if there is a story I'm going to work on; it'll be one of three. Mystic Elevator, Paco Valdez, and Brothers.

But lately I've been focusing on writing a novel version of Arena, and honestly that's where most of my effort has been going.

All solid stories though. Great contest. I still thought Katies was the best, I dunno... I think I just dug on the fairytale narrative style and how quickly everything progressed. That said, I only read ore's path... Though I think I read every option in his story.

End, let us know what the theme is for the next one when you're ready.

[Crunchyfrog]

So JJJ was 1, eh? Wow, thanks for the compliment 3J!

So that jigs things around a bit.

Third guess... should be getting easier now...

1. JJJ (Confirmed)
2. Mizal
3. Endmaster (Confirmed)
4. DEP
5. Dreamshell (Confirmed)
6. Usoki (Confirmed)
7. Ryan
8. Locke

[Locke]

Okay, that's got the entertainment value covered, so I might as well go ahead.

It's nice that you think I'm not an asshole, End. I guess you're mostly right, but I've been a member long enough that it comes out in my posts occasionally. And Crunchy, I'm disappointed. You still put Ryan at #7, when I explicitly referred to him in my review for DEP's "Mystic Elevator."

In fact, I think all of you thought Ryan wrote my reviews except Katie. I gave everyone except her an "MRH score" somewhere in the Grammar category; I left her out as a nod to tact, given the history, figuring it'd been long enough that I could use his name for a mutual laugh with everyone else (though I apparently forgot End's long-standing vendetta).

[Hi! My name is: Katie]

In fact, I think all of you thought Ryan wrote my reviews except Katie. I gave everyone except her an "MRH score" somewhere in the Grammar category; I left her out as a nod to tact, given the history, figuring it'd been long enough that I could use his name for a mutual laugh with everyone else (though I apparently forgot End's long-standing vendetta).

You are ever the gentleman.

[Usoki]

In fact, I think all of you thought Ryan wrote my reviews except Katie.

It occured to me sometime earlier today that, since you had been shifting through old threads for MRH things, it was entirely possible that 7 could have been you- especially since they were longer, which would better explain the time it took you to write your critiques. But I was away from my computer, and, anyway, it was more of a thought than a concrete guess. 's what I get for agreeing with End, I guess. XD

I guess that puts Ryan at either 2 or 8, then. Probably 8. It would make sense that he never sent critiques to himself, so of course they would appear at the end.

I would argue that the crudeness is more influenced by male dorm college humor more than anything else- but I will freely admit that such crude humor is a classic staple around here, and it's definitely a part of the site's charm. Where else can one feel no guilt about being so blunt and offensive?

[donteatpoop]

Usucky, for clarification: the 'rushed' comment wasn't about the story being sloppy or anything, I was referring to the tempo. Page 2 and I was already posessed by a demon and met a vampirate and an angle. It kind of all just happened real real sudden. It was like "hi, i'm in highschool. those chicks are kind of hot. BAM! BATTLE! [strike]NINJANGELS[/strike] SAMURANGLES! VAMPIRATES! DEMONS AND SHIT! WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON??!??!??!?!.


Still though, great story.
Just left me a little dizzy is all.



edit: the 'not fully realized' part though... I'm not really sure what I was talking about there. Ha. I was drinking a bit a the time. I remember thinking it was something.

[End Master]

Fuck, I never guess right.

If we're going in order though I'm guessing Mizal is number 2 (Who was my first guess for that number!), she sent in her ratings after JJJ who is number 1. Then me, DEP, Dreamshell, Crunchy, Usoki, Locke and Ryan.

So I'm guessing here's the final list for me.

1. JJJ
2. Mizal
3. DEP
4. Dreamshell
5. Crunchy
6. Usoki
7. Locke
8. Ryan

Well at least I got DEP correct.

[Crunchyfrog]

And Crunchy, I'm disappointed. You still put Ryan at #7, when I explicitly referred to him in my review for DEP's "Mystic Elevator."

Nope... I'm still not convinced... :P

And yep, End, you're right this time. I'm surprised I wasn't more easily guessed. Being the uninitiated noob that I am, my ratings were presented in a distinctly different way from everyone else.

[End Master]

Well, you mentioned your comments were brief, but they turned out to be actually longer than most. So, I figured number 5 was Locke since it was long and written with an air of politeness to it and out of all the "old members" on here, he's probably known as "the nice one." Though Ves (another old member) really didn't like him for some reason. Lol.

In retrospect, the word "niggle" probably should've tipped me off though, I've heard it used more by people from England than over here in the US. Probably due to the overly sensitive inevitably jumping to the silly cries of "YOU'RE RACIST!" for using the word.

[mizal]

Yes, mine were the #2 comments. (Are we still calling Ryan an asshole for no real reason? If so, Ryan, you are an asshole for not randomizing the feedback.)

I feel like I should probably explain how I came up with my scores since the grammar rating was mentioned a couple of times. I always have a difficult time tacking a hard number to subjective things like 'enjoyment', so with all the categories I just started at an average of seven and then added or subtracted points based on anything that caught my attention. I stretched the definition of 'grammar' a bit to be more like 'general writing style', so I could add or take away points based on more than just typos, for instance if a story felt rushed in places or had a particularly awesome scene.

[Usoki]

...I stretched the definition of 'grammar' a bit to be more like 'general writing style'...

Oh, well- okay, that makes a lot more sense. I'd believe that. In fact, I'd agree completely.

...and yes, I've always found it irritating that the person who sorts the ratings can't even be bothered to shuffle the order each time, let alone try and make the formatting consistant.

[donteatpoop]

Oh, well- okay, that makes a lot more sense. I'd believe that. In fact, I'd agree completely.

...and yes, I've always found it irritating that the person who sorts the ratings can't even be bothered to shuffle the order each time, let alone try and make the formatting consistant.

If you've got that kind of time, perhaps you should the rating poster person for the next one.