IWT 7: Epilogue (Ratings!)

[Hi! My name is: Katie]

Critiques for Uncertain Fortunes

7/7/6

Lots of potential for enjoyment but it ended abruptly (was that the theme for this contest? haha) and I never felt the satisfaction of a good ending.


1. Grammar - 7

2. Plot/Creativity - 7

3. Enjoyment - 7

The third person point of view was an interesting change of pace, and I liked the almost fairy-tale feel to Ore/Fee's story, I just wish you'd had time to expand on it more. Some of the chapters were very, very short, but for the most part I liked what I did read. The
evil path that was the most fleshed out was a really interesting take on a necromancer character and got seriously creepy toward the end, and I'm assuming the royal path will explain more about his mother and just where his powers came from. I hope you keep adding to this after the judging is over.


Spelling/Grammar: 10
Plot/Creativity: 8
Enjoyment: 9

Well can't really go wrong with starting off with a baby still attached to his dead mother's corpse. I liked it quite a lot due to some of the gruesome bits, though it was a somewhat linear and short.


Grammar – 9
* Plot/Creativity – 9
Enjoyment – 10

Okay, okay lesson learned. Don’t fuck with graveyard frequenting freaks. Damn. Ore is one fucked up little guy. This was a well told story, finely crafted. Most of the pages were relatively short but they were well written and told a lot in those few words. Shit, I didn’t even notice until four or five rooms in that the story was written in 3rd person! It’s pretty rare that a 3rd person story works. What’s more, I’ve always despised ‘plot options’ (choices that control the story more than the character) but fuck, you made that work too. You took the two most difficult/annoying/despicable aspects of interactive fiction and somehow made them work. Fuck you Katie, I’m jealous now. Dammit. Good story. Really. I knew you could write, but damn…


Grammar: 9
Plot/Creativity: 7
Enjoyment: 8

I wasn’t so sure about this as it was starting out, but took quickly to it. The downside is that there’s really only one story and no real choices to make in it, but it’s a good one, anyway. I’d enjoy seeing more of the-boy-as-Ore’s life in the city, as well as the-boy-as-Fee’s life as a prince. The bit about living a privileged life ending in poisoning was amusing, though of course I’d love for that branch to be expanded. Write more, please.


Grammar 10 – There was nothing that tripped me up here.

Enjoyment 8.5 Though written in the style of a fairytale story, the sinister overtones came over well. I like the ironic edge to the choices near the beginning, where ‘for blood’ leads to a life in which the boy has more control over his fortunes, and ‘for justice’ leads to a less fortunate life. It’s a strong junction between two completely different stories, even the naming of the boy.

Plot 8.5 I found the storyline of Ore engaging, but felt that it lost its lustre from the time he moved to the city. Although the branches that lead him to life as a prince in the castle had not yet been cultivated, they promise to be as engaging as the Ore story.


Grammar: 9
Plot/Creativity: 6
Enjoyment: 8

I can see why you were hesitant to release this; but for what it is, I rather like it. The mysterious cursed powerful orphan is a dead horse, sure, yet there’s something enjoyable about the way you approached it. I enjoyed the way all of the decisions boiled down to choosing between two abstract concepts. It allows the reader to control the story, but at the same time it’s vague enough that the reader cannot directly micromanage anyone’s actions.

I really enjoyed seeing Ore develop into the twisted figure- his powers are odd, yet intriguing. I’m not sure what he plans to do with a closet full of souls and a town full of golem-esque people, but… Ehh. I’m sure some of the other routes, if/when completed, will be just as amusing. Especially the prince route, since I’m assuming the child will have the same powers, even though his name and upbringing will be different.


Grammar: 9
Plot/Creativity: 7
Enjoyment: 7

From your forum posts, I was expecting rather less. Where have you been all this time, and why haven’t I seen more of your writing? I think you hurried a little, but this is still lush and full of painstaking detail. If you enjoy writing, I hope you keep doing it.

Grammar isn’t perfect, but still quality; Usoki edges you out, but only by half a point. I like the plot so far, and particularly your choices (the wording really sparks the imagination, ‘NEXT PAGE” aside, and makes me want to keep reading). I enjoyed it. If you’d spent more time on it, I think you might’ve won this one.



Grammar: 8
Plot/Creativity: 6
Enjoyment: 6

The grammar was pretty solid and I liked the initial premise. Overall, the story just didn't really pull me in, though. I just didn't feel anything for the characters. Still the writing was pretty solid and some of the things in the plot were interesting.

If the story were longer, I probably would have gave it 7s in the plot and enjoymeny categories.

[End Master]

I won’t even bother guessing who wrote what this time, since I ALWAYS get it wrong.

1
7/9/9
Not on the same level as his other stories but still really awesome. Had a 'teen drama' feel to it at times but the characterization and business aspects of the story more than made up for it. Contest winner for sure.

2
1. Grammar - 5
2. Plot/Creativity - 9
3. Enjoyment - 9
Congrats on having the largest, most complete story in the comp. As much as I enjoyed the others, it got really frustrating running into a bunch of dead ends just as things started to get interesting, so it was great having several plotlines here that all actually went somewhere. That said, there were a few places (especially in the beginning) where the writing felt a little rushed and sloppy, which while not really that big a deal, seeing how this was put up so far in advance of the deadline it seems like there would have been time to polish it a little more. But obviously that wasn't enough to hurt my enjoyment of the story as a whole, which was the usual mix of funny and twisted and sad I've come to expect from your writing. I wouldn't go so far as to say Innkeeper was my absolute FAVORITE out of everything you've done, but you've never written a story I wasn't impressed by in one way or another and this is no exception.

3
Grammar – 6
* Plot/Creativity – 10
Enjoyment – 8
Worst editing job of all your stories, End. Tons of instances where words are typed twice or sentences are misworded (room 87762 for instance where you wrote: I mean I mean you were right, I dumped all this stuff on to you suddenly –an- The point is, I want you to know is I’m here for YOU now). These were throughout the story and off-putting in many cases.

Despite this I was still enraptured in the story, rooting for characters, and engaged in the plot. I thoroughly enjoyed almost all of the story. A few instances where I felt streamlined (like picking which barmaid to ‘work the streets’, no matter what it was Rita who ended up doing it). Ultimately though, well done story, up there with some of the better ones from you. Honestly, great plot, great character development as well.

4
Grammar: 8
Plot/Creativity: 8
Enjoyment: 10
I really like this one. All the detail put in with the supplementary info is great, and the characters mostly all feel alive and distinct. Sometimes things stick out as too crude or contemporary for the setting, but otherwise it’s rich and captivating. I also like how there’s plenty of endings to get, so the story gets to go on some pretty divergent tangents, such as working with criminals, hiding monsters with adventurers, or infiltrating a rival business.

5
Grammar – 9 There were a number of spelling and punctuation errors in this piece, and places where the paragraphs could have been broken up into smaller segments to make it easier to read. However relatively speaking, taking into account the sheer size of this work, the occurrence of grammatical and formatting errors was low.

Enjoyment – 9 Each path seemed to have a unique ending to it, despite some of the text being recycled. There seemed to be a never-ending number of branches to this story.

Style-wise, the fantasy side to this story was subtle, and narrated in a way that it sounded completely natural. This was an ordinary guy, trying to make a success of his life, and all the extraordinary stuff was purely incidental.

The writing was consistently of a high standard. My one niggle, however, was that in places it sounded a little too matter-of-fact for the subject matter it was dealing with.

Plot/Creativity – 10 There is no doubt you are a skilled CYOA story-writer. The developed path had several distinct sub-plots and endings to it, and although each was quite different from the others, even featuring different characters and motives, (great how Tom and David popped up in one of the sections) the theme of keeping the Inn going and getting qualified as a doctor while avoiding being sucked into a world of crime and zombies ran strong through all of them. Getting the debts paid, funding the college work, making the Inn a success and getting the (right) girl at the end is one tricky path to pick.

6
Grammar: 8
Plot/Creativity: 8
Enjoyment: 8
The narrative structure from Necromancer is very apparent- but I appreciate this, as I’ve always liked that form. It’s nice to see how some of the small decisions can subtly affect the events in the character’s life. That being said… this story felt slightly lacking. It was a huge, monstrous piece… yet there really wasn’t any one memorable story arc. Well, okay, I lie- the zombie doctor bit was classic Endmaster. But other than that. The entire story just kinda… lays there. There is absolutely nothing impressive or epic about this piece. It’s one evil twin plothook away from being a soap opera. Maybe it’s that the choices are small and minor. Maybe it’s that the focus of the work is limited, and so it’s hard to get excited. Or maybe some of the key plot elements are just helplessly mundane. Whatever it is… this story left me wanting. I read it, and I enjoyed it, but once I walked away I forgot quite a fair bit of it.

It doesn’t help that Innkeeper is surprisingly lacking in its quota of interesting characters. The guy in denial about his family is hilarious. Both of the med school professors were interesting. Wendy’s children were great. Every single other character felt more like a plot tool than a real person. Frank was lackluster, Rita never quite reached the attitude that she was described as having, the succubae did absolutely nothing, despite their promising status as poorly-controlled evil demons, and Eliza was a complete nothing.

It was hard for me to choose which non-crime ending I liked best, because neither Eliza nor Cindy had any more personality than a photograph. He might as well have married a statue with a sex-hole for all I really cared.

7
Grammar: 8
Plot/Creativity: 8
Enjoyment: 9
Your grammar is basically good, though Usoki beats you hands down, and DEP just barely edges you out (8.5). Your MRH score is a 2 (the mistakes you do make are like nails on a chalkboard to him, so that’s a base score of four, and two points off because he’s spiteful and doesn’t like you).

The plot is excellent, as always, though not especially original for you (I don’t remember if you said anything explicitly, but it could easily take place in the same universe as Legend). I did feel a little in certain places (I felt for the barmaid you could take as a girlfriend), but of your serious pieces, this has some of the least emotion (The shelter/love interest of Ground Zero, several bits of Paradise Violated and Primal, and of course the two Necromancer stories come to mind).

Still, the storytelling is epic and varied; you always keep me reading. I felt it drifted off focus once you left the Inn toward the end of some paths, but that didn’t really hurt Enjoyment much. I’m a hypocrite for saying this, but I wish you’d write more. Entertaining stuff.

8
Grammar: 7.5
Plot/Creativity: 8.5
Enjoyment: 8

This was my second favorite out of everything entered. It was a typical EndMaster story with lots of rooms to explore and great character development. I think its weak areas were grammar and I think the description was lacking a bit, but still managed to pull me in.

The premise wasn't my favorite, but it still ended up being interesting.

[End Master]

Fuck it, I'll (poorly) guess anyway

1. No idea. Dreamshell? Might be Crunchy or Mizal.

2. It could be Mizal since she said she was a BIG grammar Nazi and didn't have large comments. I'm getting a "female vibe" from it, so I guess it could be Usoki. Lol. EDIT: On a third look at this comment, I'm starting to think there's a good chance that this one is Usoki. (I misread part of the comment and thought the person said this was their favorite story of mine, when they actually said it wasn't their favorite.)

3. I'm getting a DEP vibe from this one. Though could be Usoki with the grammar comments. (Just a quick mention, that "I mean" bit you mentioned was intentional. Stuttering, bumbling and dialog pausing of the character and all that, but I should've put an ellipsis or something there)

4. No idea. Dreamshell? Might be Crunchy or Mizal.

5. Getting a Locke vibe from this one. It's thoughtful without trying to be offensive. Lol.

6. This one has gotta be JJJ or Usoki. I'd almost lean completely towards JJJ, due to the mention of the enjoyment of the "evil path" (which he said made it feel more like my other stuff) but fucking a statue with a sexhole comment sounds more like something Usoki would say.

7. Only Ryan would be an ASSHOLE enough to mention MRH in his comments to me. Also this one sounds like him anyway. In fact this is like the only one I'm betting I'm right on.

8. No idea. Dreamshell? If not then Crunchy or Mizal. (You three are sort of getting lumped together because you're new.)

EDIT: Okay final guess (Really this time)

1.Dreamshell
2.Usoki
3.DEP
4.Crunchy
5.Locke
6.JJJ
7.Ryan
8.Mizal

[Usoki]

Sorry, End- I was six. I actually did not bother to comment upon grammar at all this time around. I didn't feel like being that anal-retentive jerk who beats multiple dead horses scattered around bushes. I read everything through, and assigned a grammar score based on how jarring the errors were. I'm surprised you connected the statue comment with me- it's a bit more crude than most of my other ridiculous examples.

8/7/6
There were some novel ideas but I never felt immersion because it couldn't decide if it was a comedy or a serious adventure.

Short and to the point. I'm guessing Dreamshell. And for the record- it is comedic, and it is an adventure, but it certainly isn't serious. Who's to say it can't be a comedic adventure?

1. Grammar - 7
2. Plot/Creativity - 7
3. Enjoyment - 7
This was a fun, silly story, but sadly it was much too short, and like some of the other entries seemed to cut off just as it was ready to really get rolling. The whole idea of demoninjas and samurangels had me chuckling and I loved the explanation of what was possible with the other planes. After the sticky-note fight I was looking forward to seeing just how ridiculous the summoned weapons would get but, again, the whole thing had to be cut off too soon for of the deadline.

Mmmm... tough, but I guess I'll go with Mizal. Incidentally... a 7 for Grammar!? Not to be all MRH about this, but... really? What was your idea of a ten? Were you trying to apply grammar rules to my dialogue, or what?

Spelling/Grammar: 10
Plot/Creativity: 7
Enjoyment: 7
For whatever reason this story didn't really grab me, and it was pretty linear so it loses a few points there. I didn't get an urban fantasy feel from it, but I suppose the plot is okay and despite the shortness of it, some effort in the overall writing was put into it.

I... cripes, this is hard, a lot of you said the same thing. But it's short, so I'll guess EndMaster and move on. I had a lot of problems figuring out how to approach the "urban" part of urban fantasy. In the end, I settled for non-human characters with love interests, since that's what the Wiki emphasized.

Grammar – 9
* Plot/Creativity – 8
Enjoyment – 8
Still love Usucky’s style; laid back, sardonic, and yet somehow still innocently
optimistic. Great comment on the vampire powers changing with each new trashy novel; that had me laughing.
Creative use of the link options, especially in ‘continue’ type scenarios. I liked that he used it when the scene seemed to shift.
The Samurangle and Vampirate were some eye-rollers. Seriously Usucky? Seriously. Haha. Itwas humorous though. I liked the way Sonja and Cassidy played off of each other, good character rapport.
Copy and paste issue I assume, both Viking and Cowboy take you to a Viking room.
All in all it seems like a great start to an entertaining quirky story. Quite enjoyable but there were a few spots where things seemed rushed or not-quite fully realized. This is definitely one that I’d be interested in reading more of, especially a more polished version.

Usucky? This must be DEP. I'm glad you enjoy the placement of the room breaks- I tended to put a fair amount of time into choosing where to place them. Overly long rooms are almost as offensive as two sentence rooms. I'm curious what you considered rushed or unrealized- otherwise, I don't see myself going back over it.

Incidentally, that just might be the greatest description of my writing style I've ever seen. I appreciate it greatly.

Grammar: 10
Plot/Creativity: 8
Enjoyment: 8
Well, choosing between the two girls leads to identical branches (outside of a few differences in the tarot reading), but I like this all the same. It’s a silly idea, but fun, and I’d like to see more of it. The Viking branch would probably be my favorite.

Ehh...JJJ? Those few differences in the tarot readings took a good two-three hours to write. I took enough effort to look up readings so that the five-card format is real, and to browse through a bunch of card meanings to find a set that will provide active foreshadowing to the parts that don't exist yet.

Grammar - 10 The grammar I couldn't fault. This was well laid out, spelling and punctuation was consistent.
Enjoyment - 8.5 - A light-hearted take on a subject that could have been as equally well-written as a dark fantasy thriller. The introduction to Blaine in the first room was well narrated and the encounter with the two girls during the fight and afterwards was amusing.
The path that had been finished was well executed (pardon the pun) and the colour imagery I thought was particularly well done. Despite this, I found the info-dump from the girls a little difficult to follow – and although I suspect that it was intended to be confusing, it lessened the enjoyment factor for me.
Plot/Creativity 8. - Plotwise, so far the choices are fairly restricted, but if the already written rooms are anything to go by, promises to be an amusing and enjoyable adventure.

I'm going to guess Crunchy. It could be a dark thriller- but certainly not in my hands. By this point, I've all but given up on trying to write anything truly serious. It simply does not flow as fast, as easy, or as skilled from my pen. Keyboard. Whatever. I am curious what was difficult about the info dump- it was meant to be brief, not confusing. Though, perhaps it would get answered better later in the work, by example.

Grammar: 9.5
Plot/Creativity: 7.5
Enjoyment: 7.5
Your grammar, as always, is impeccable; MRH would be proud. If anything could make him come back to the forum a third time, it is this piece (so if we ever see him around, that’s on you). I found several slippages, justifying a half-point drop from your otherwise perfect 10, but I had to work for it.
“Daybreak” is possibly the most “creative” entry. Unless you’re ripping off something really obscure, I’ve never seen anything like it. However, you have a lot of repeat text hanging around. I’m sure the story eventually diverges, but based on what you’ve got now, no matter which girl you choose, you end up with essentially the same thing; I have to dock the piece a few points for limited “plot” (innovative as what you have is).
Finally, your score for Enjoyment is basically high. I like the chemistry between Blaine and the girls. Your fight scenes so far are spot-on, and the thought of a bunch of people running around throwing post-its and so for at one another is amusing. I definitely want to see how this plays out. The concept (demoninjas, samurangels, etc) is slightly silly and stretches suspension of disbelief for me, but you pull it off with style.

Decimal points and an MRH reference? Ryan. I'm glad that the fight scene worked for everyone- one of the things that I've been slowly learning over the years is that fights are pretty much impossible to write. Nobody wants to read a blow-by-blow; it's boring. I was apprehensive about this scene- but it's short, it's silly, and it doesn't focus on any one camera angle.

Yes, the story will eventually branch out into multiple endings; one where you complete the job with your chosen skill set, and one where you complete the job AND get the girl that likes the skill set you've chosen. In my mind, it's set up like a dating sim- too many wrong choices, and you won't get enough relation points to win the girl at the end of the story. You can't make them both happy, so pick a girl, and see it through if you want the best endings.

Grammar: 10
Plot/Creativity: 7
Enjoyment: 6
Didn't notice any grammatical errors (as usual) and the story was pretty creative. You certainly have a knack for balancing plot, dialogue, and description. If it were longer, it probably would have been a serious contender. I had to take a couple points off for shortness/linearity, though.

I couldn't decide between JJJ, Locke, and Mizal. But, this comment is last, so I'm going to guess it was submitted last by Locke, since I don't give Ryan credit for the foresight to shuffle these around. It does sound like a Locke thing to say. I'm glad you think there is a balance- I am in constant fear that I'm writing too much dialogue and not enough description.

Linearity is definitely one of my main issues. I know it, and I'm aware of it, but I never remember how serious it is until I see something like DEP's Mystic Elevator, which is really three stories that just happen to start the same way. I threw in the yes/no question, an obvious trap, simply because I was starting to realize just how linear it was getting. The scene at the bowling alley will help- there will be ways to lose no matter what the skill set you have. Those ways to lose will even take more than one room to die- something I don't always do.

And, I must admit there is something to be said for a certain linear consistancy to reality- some things are true no matter what choice you make. I would hate myself if, say, Cassidy's identity as a vampirate depended on your tarot choice. The Father in Rentyre is always a jerk, no matter what choices you make throughout the evening. The protagonist has nothing to do with those decisions. And if that creates a more linear story, then, well, it's a sacrifice I'm more than willing to make.

[Crunchyfrog]

The feedback is awesome. Thank you!

Not only does it confirm where I suspected where the weaknesses were, but it has also pointed out things I hadn't noticed before, and totally agree with.


One person rated my grammar a 6 - I'm not sure whether this might be due to the difference in US/UK spelling or my clumsy attempts to emulate 18th century dialogue. (or both!) However I'd be very grateful if I could know some examples by PM where it didn't work - it'd be a great help. No worries if you'd prefer not to, though.

I do intend to continue developing this story, and will be taking all the feedback into consideration as I write. I'll also be going back and editing the existing rooms.

Thanks again!

(Oh, and should I be posting the feedback here, or is it optional?)




Edits to add:

EDIT: Okay final guess (Really this time)

1.Dreamshell
2.Usoki
3.DEP
4.Crunchy
5.Locke
6.JJJ
7.Ryan
8.Mizal

Wrong!

[End Master]

Should've went with my instinct that the statue comment was the identifier. Got Crunchy's wrong too I see. Well, I'm still confident I got Ryan's comment right.

Yeah, you guessed mine. I think I might've been harsher on it because I liked your last two contest stories a lot better. Though I was sort of grading slightly harder than I normally do in general, which still isn't that bad since I gave everyone 10s for grammar. Going by my own low scores in that category, it's no wonder I don't catch any mistakes anyone else might make.

Up until the announcement I thought DEP might win since Ryan sort of implied that he was in the running, though I still like Ryan's story the best. His story and Crunchy's to me felt the most like "urban fantasy". Katie's felt like urban fantasy, but it suffered from being linear as well. DEP had a cool story, but it felt more like horror.

Basically when I knock off points for "linear" I usually mean the number of "1 path" rooms in a story. It isn't really a problem if you've got a large story, but it gets more noticeable the less rooms you have. Even more so if you have several of them in a row.

I also try to take into consideration the amount of writing you have in the room. If you've got something like the equivalent of 4 pages on there, well even I try to break it up at that point and will split the writing into another room. Though again I really try not to have several "1 room paths" in a row. Probably just my own personal restrictions I go by.

I don't knock off points if you have the "same outcome with slightly different changes" for choices. I don't even consider stories with the "2 choices, one leads to death" to be linear since you're still getting a choice there and most of the original CYOA books did that. (Plus I do both of those things, so I'm hardly in a position to judge)

[Locke]

should I be posting the feedback here, or is it optional?

We all find it entertaining, particularly if you try to figure out who wrote what, but it's understandable if you want to keep the commentary to yourself, and definitely optional. Nobody's going to show up at your house and put a gun to your head, in any case, except End, and that's less about failing to live up to some standard, and more that stalking and killing people are just his things. Like Chubby with drugs and obscenity, or Apoth with numbers, or Ryan and his assholery (I guess Usoki will have to find some other quality to justify his existence now).

Megaman, Drums, and MRH, as the forum pariahs, have trolling and general dislikability, child sex robots, and grammar as their characteristics, respectively.

[Crunchyfrog]

We all find it entertaining, particularly if you try to figure out who wrote what, but it's understandable if you want to keep the commentary to yourself, and definitely optional.

Okay then!

1
9/8/7

So much potential but cut too short, I was really getting into it when it ended abruptly. Per capita, this was the contest's best story but it lacked any sort of conclusion.

I thought this was Endmaster as there had been talk about his very brief critiques. But then he said he graded everyone 10 with the grammar, so uhm, I don't know.


2

1. Grammar - 8

2. Plot/Creativity - 8

3. Enjoyment - 8

I remember reading part of this on the other site awhile back and enjoying it then, so I was glad to see it expanded some and hope you continue adding to it in the future. One of my favorites in the comp even though I felt the 'magical' stuff didn't mesh as well with the mind-bendy time travel stuff at the heart of it, or at least wasn't expanded upon enough. Lizzie was an amazingly compelling character in the brief times we got to see her, so I'm hoping there's SOME way to save her through the aformentioned mind-bendy
time travel stuff. I'm looking forward to seeing Alf come into his own a bit once he gets over being bewildered by everything, but, like most of the stories this time around, I felt like it all got cut off by the deadline just as it was about to really get rolling.

Could be Usoki, could be Mizal or Ryan, because if I recollect correctly, all have mentioned they had a peek at its other incarnation. But I'm guessing most likely Usoki.

3

Spelling/Grammar: 10
Plot/Creativity: 9
Enjoyment: 8

This story was creative and it succeeds with the urban fantasy feel. Also glad to see that newest writer here has produced something of quality.

Ah. This could be Endmaster. Brief two-sentence critique, 10 for grammar. Check. Check. Am I right?

4

Grammar – 6
* Plot/Creativity – 7
Enjoyment – 7

Strange. Definitely strange. I like the narrative, but there were quite a few editing/grammar/spelling errors that drew me out of the story. The door handle insect robot type thing was strange as well. I was intrigued. First path I took I was given the egg without ever finding out what it meant, waking up in a hospital. It was interesting to read the descriptions of the future from the eyes of the past. Well done there. The story reads rather cryptic for me. I can’t seem to really make heads or tails of what’s really going on in the story and that put me off a bit. I think this story is one that could develop wonderfully as it continues, but it isn’t quite there yet.

Uhm, I really have no idea. I'll just have to wait and see if something pops into my PM box...

5

Grammar: 10
Plot/Creativity: 8
Enjoyment: 8

This story seemed to have the second-most branches to it, which is good. However, it is a bit hard to understand at parts, probably due to the gimmick of portraying modern-ish things from Alf’s perspective. Nevertheless, I’d love to read more about this and find out more about Lizzie’s group as well as Tharrithon.

Mizal. Assuming Number 2 is not Mizal.

6

Grammar: 9
Plot/Creativity: 9
Enjoyment: 8

Given that anything in between the Renaissance and modern times usually gets cut out entirely, it was nice to see the effort you put into creating a believable, peasant-y starter setting. There were definitely a lot of small details which really sold the time period. There were a lot of choices- so many my initial reaction was that you couldn’t possibly keep track of them all. But to my surprise, you handled it quite well; You keep track of all of the small variables, and edit small bits of narration so that the story leads to one of three places- with the wizard, and the future with or without Ned.

Time travel gets used quite a bit, so I’m glad this doesn’t come off as ‘yet another time travel story’. That being said, the machine is a really complicated device, and though I understand that Alf is not supposed to understand how it works… neither does the reader. I can’t really visualize it well, other than it has semi-opaque walls, and a detachable knob that makes a door appear. Then you start describing tendrils and levels, and needing to crank it or needing to flip the cylinder to access the right buttons… I get lost. There’s so much specific detail that I’m completely unable to make a big picture.

The conflict confuses me a bit. Several of the characters announce a war between humans and magical fey creatures… but there are no examples of this strife. It seems less of a war and more of a Mexican standoff. Or maybe just complete indifference toward each other. Either way, it’s hard to see what direction this story will take once Alfie takes a cause.

Hmmm. 3J, I'm going for 3J....

7

Grammar: 9
Plot/Creativity: 8
Enjoyment: 7


Like Katie, your forum presence led me to expect less from you. You clearly put some effort into this, and I’m interested to see how it develops. Your grammar is excellent (MRH score: 4.5), and the plot so far is well fleshed out. I didn’t think I’d enjoy reading about an 18th century barrow boy, but you surprised me. Very strong first entry.

With all this talk of MRH, I'm going to have to go with Ryan. What is MRH, anyway?


8

Grammar: 10
Plot/Creativity: 7.5
Enjoyment: 7

The grammar was near-perfect and writing was really good. I guess my main qualm was that the plot just didn't really pull me in. Still, this was a very worthy and creative entry, so I had to rate it pretty high. Hopefully it does good.

I was getting more interested in the story toward the end, when it switched from 18th to 21st century.

(Also, there is a loop error that leads to the main character meeting the guy from the bar twice.)

Gah. Who knows!


So here's my first guess - which has a lot of randomness attached to it due to my newbness:

1. Dreamshell
2. Usoki
3. Endmaster
4. DEP
5. Locke
6. JJJ
7. Ryan
8. Mizal



(Edits to add)

Grammar - 10 The grammar I couldn't fault. This was well laid out, spelling and punctuation was consistent.
Enjoyment - 8.5 - A light-hearted take on a subject that could have been as equally well-written as a dark fantasy thriller. The introduction to Blaine in the first room was well narrated and the encounter with the two girls during the fight and afterwards was amusing.
The path that had been finished was well executed (pardon the pun) and the colour imagery I thought was particularly well done. Despite this, I found the info-dump from the girls a little difficult to follow – and although I suspect that it was intended to be confusing, it lessened the enjoyment factor for me.
Plot/Creativity 8. - Plotwise, so far the choices are fairly restricted, but if the already written rooms are anything to go by, promises to be an amusing and enjoyable adventure.

I'm going to guess Crunchy. It could be a dark thriller- but certainly not in my hands. By this point, I've all but given up on trying to write anything truly serious. It simply does not flow as fast, as easy, or as skilled from my pen. Keyboard. Whatever. I am curious what was difficult about the info dump- it was meant to be brief, not confusing. Though, perhaps it would get answered better later in the work, by example.

Right!

[Locke]

Given the asterisk, I think you're right about DEP.


MRH is MichaelRayHolt, a former member (I'm pretty sure he's left the forum for good, anyway). There was a lot of drama, some of which was even before my time (I started posting just before this version of the forum came into being, in mid-2007).

Drama aside, he's known mostly for his obsession with perfect grammar, surpassing even Usoki (a Caesar, perhaps, to MRH's Hitler: a grammar despot, no doubt, but lacking the swastika, Jew-bashing, and other trappings of overt Nazism).

His stories are probably still up on the main site.

EDIT: Wow, I forgot how it ended.

[End Master]

Crunchyfrog got my comment right.

Well if Usoki is comment 6 then JJJ might be 2 instead or even 5, but I know Locke said he agonized over scoring the stories and making comments so I figured he wrote something long and 5 would qualify.

Of course I'm probably completely wrong about both of them.

[Locke]

Of course I'm probably completely wrong about both of them.

About mine, anyway. I'll tell you which I wrote sometime tomorrow; someone else might post in the meantime, and I'd hate to deprive myself of the entertainment value.

I just spent awhile crawling nostalgically through some old threads. There are quite a few gems:

Of course all poetry should rhyme or else it's just the gibbering of a monkey trying to desperately grasp the concept of the English language! Why the very thought of such idiocy makes my great belly wobble with laughter! Suckacop!

Why I myself have written iambic pentameter verses that equal the great William Shakespeare! I've impressed many southeast Asian ladyboys on Craig's List with my 180 IQ and mastery of language skills! Fwpaya!

The subject is incidental; it's just an example of various things that have been making me laugh this past hour. It's nice to see I'm not the only one in the world keeping these hours, heh.

[Sven Smokevich]

Bit of a turnaround from when I first came ‘back’ to this site. A day passes and there are quite a few posts to catch up on.

Anyway, here’s so people know which reviews were mine. For the most part, I was very easy to please, so look for the higher ratings:

Katie: Mine’s the fifth rating you posted.

EndMaster: #4.

Usoki: I was the fifth rating you posted (I mentioned the tarot cards).

Crunchyfrog: Also 5 (I’m seeing a theme here…).

There’s two left and since Ryan knows which rating is mine as he’s the one who I gave them to, if DEP wants to know, I’ll happily answer.

[Crunchyfrog]

Okay!

So I got Endmaster right. If Dreamshell is 5, then Locke can't be. And I don't think Locke is 1. Going on what I can glean from other posts, I'm now thinking that Locke might be 4.

I'm also beginning to think that 1 is not a newbie. I'm convinced it's not Usoki or 3J, and Ryan has been identified by the MRH comment. So I'm going to guess that DEP is 1.

*shuffles names* Here's my second guess...

1. DEP
2. Usoki
3. Endmaster (Confirmed)
4. Locke
5. Dreamshell (Confirmed)
6. JJJ
7. Ryan
8. Mizal

[Hi! My name is: Katie]

My (probably incorrect) guesses.

1. Usoki?
2. Locke?
3. End.
4. DEP
I was toying with this idea of giving the collective consciousness of the crowd power as opposed to having the character make all the decisions.
5. Dreamshell- thanks
6. JJJ
By the time I started working on the Prince's line, I was running really short on time. I didn't finish putting in rooms to meet the 20 room rule until the last hour.
7. Ryan?
I'm not sure when I'll have a chance to go back and add on to the story, that's not really my strong point. Ore/Fee both have this unusual power that eventually defines the way they interact with the people around them. In Ore's case events have not unfolded to give him authority, but with his power he can command it. For instance, with his closet full of souls, he can overthrow an unjust ruler or become a hero defending the city from invasion. As Fee he could become king, or he could be sent into exile by his cousin. As Ore the jeweler's miraculous child he could lead the people in a revolt against the cruel guards that plague their daily lives. At least one story line was going to develop into a fantasy dystopia. I had a lot of different endings sorted out, but alas time was more foe than friend this year.
8. Crunchy?
9. Mizal?

[Usoki]

Okay, people- all of the comments are in order. Just like Apoth, Ryan has posted all of the comments in a set order. Once we figure out that order, you simply need to skip yourself, and that's that.

Every. Single. One of you. Keeps thinking that I'm JJJ. I'm not sure how I should feel about that. XD

Ryan, Crunchy and I are all near the bottom- I still think Locke is last. DEP and End are more at the top, though we won't have a full grasp until either Shell, Mizal, or JJJ weigh in.