IWT 7: Epilogue (Ratings!)

[Crunchyfrog]

So JJJ was 1, eh? Wow, thanks for the compliment 3J!

So that jigs things around a bit.

Third guess... should be getting easier now...

1. JJJ (Confirmed)
2. Mizal
3. Endmaster (Confirmed)
4. DEP
5. Dreamshell (Confirmed)
6. Usoki (Confirmed)
7. Ryan
8. Locke

[donteatpoop]

In all cases, I am the one who weighted plot. So if there is a star by plot, it was me.

Thanks for the feedback. A lot of Mystic Elevator is clear in my head. Their not zombies, they're flesh eating sentient carnivors from another dimension. They've found a portal between worlds and have destroyed several different dimension/worlds. I can understand how they came off as zombies, though. The world destroyed is my favorite branch but it needs fleshed out like crazy, and that branch may seem familiar if you've come upon the few rooms I wrote for Apoth's HOID.

Anyway, if there is a story I'm going to work on; it'll be one of three. Mystic Elevator, Paco Valdez, and Brothers.

But lately I've been focusing on writing a novel version of Arena, and honestly that's where most of my effort has been going.

All solid stories though. Great contest. I still thought Katies was the best, I dunno... I think I just dug on the fairytale narrative style and how quickly everything progressed. That said, I only read ore's path... Though I think I read every option in his story.

End, let us know what the theme is for the next one when you're ready.

[JJJ-thebanisher]

Sorry guys, I was the first one. Right now, it's smack-dab in the middle of midterm mania and I don't have a lot of time. (Physics midterm in 3 hours lol). Also, you're all as good or better than me at writing, so it's not like I need to lay down the basics or anything. Most (or all) of the faults you have are due to rushing to finish the contest, not lack of ability. Over at CYS when I'm giving really long critiques, it's because the people I'm giving them to don't understand the absolute basics of interactive fiction. But again, really sorry about the short critiques. Next time, I'll give a lot more feedback.

[donteatpoop]

(despite all the bitching, you did well yazz. thanks for putting it together. hope your gay busride was fun)


Mystic Elevator.


6/6/6

The writing style is distracting at times, sometimes there were lots of unnecessary words, could have used a second-read

over. Just as I was getting into it, there was an abrupt end and I never felt any kind of resolution.


1. Grammar - 7

2. Plot/Creativity - 7

3. Enjoyment - 7

It seems like I remember reading part of this somewhere before, but either way I really enjoyed it, even though it felt more

like a 28 Days Later inspired thing that actual 'Urban Fantasy'. Though, I guess zombies are technically fantasy too,

so...uh, nevermind. The
writing was good, I especially liked the little bit of humor tossed in the intro chapters before everything went to hell. I

happen to like traditional zombie stories, and several scenes were nicely creepy, but (and I feel like I'm saying this in my

comments for pretty much EVERY story) both main paths felt like they got cut off by the deadline just as they started to

really get going. I hope you decide to continue this sometime.


Spelling/Grammar: 10
Plot/Creativity: 9
Enjoyment: 9

I can't find much to criticize about it other than I got more of a horror vibe from it rather than an urban fantasy one.

Other than that it's a solid story.


Grammar: 8
Plot/Creativity: 8
Enjoyment: 8

I like where this was going, but none of the endings were particularly satisfying. The office branch is my favorite, as well

as the most fleshed-out, and I’d like to see more of what happens after the main character joins up with Johnson to go

undercover. Overall, there’s some lack of clarity about what’s going on and who these people from the alternate dimension are

or why the main character is thought to be dead (I guess his double who’s native to the alt. universe was killed).

Nonetheless, it was very fun to read and I’m confident that expanding on it later will lead to more explanations and more

substantial story arcs.


Grammar 10 – I didn’t spot any bloopers.

Enjoyment 9 – This had the hallmarks of a story that can have you doubting which is the character’s true reality by the time

the plot runs its course, one that starts to get you thinking. In particular I liked the narrative style. It flowed well and

was a pleasure to read.

Plot / Creativity 8.5
I liked the plot. The path where the hero goes to work and takes the elevator up was the most intriguing and in my opinion

the most well developed. The foreshadowing worked well, and the way things gradually got a little bit weirder with each

choice really built up the tension.

There were three distinctly different paths (that I found), and what interested me was how and each had its own separate mood

and narrative style. It really felt like these were three completely separate stories. I had the feeling, however, that the

Down elevator and the Stay at Home stories were a little rushed, but have the potential to shine through with a little TLC.


Grammar: 7
Plot/Creativity: 9
Enjoyment: 10

This story is so odd, yet so awesome. The portal to a new world is pretty much a dead, battered horse by now… but I don’t

mind seeing it again, because the jaded white-collar guy makes it interesting. It’s also unusual (from what I’ve seen) to

have a magical world be so twisted and dark- but then, given that you’re the author, I’m not at all surprised.

I did appreciate how the story moves into three different paths based on the central story concept, based on your initial

choices. One for the evil entering his world, one for him entering the evil’s world after it has taken hold, and one for him

taking the place of his lizard counterpart. It’s a nice variety, and it makes for almost three completely different stories.

I would have liked to have seen more about the Elevator Illuminati type organization that was hinted at, but perhaps that’s a

part of the unwritten sections.

And, of course, I simply must comment on the Rocky and Bullwinkle style of page titles. It’s a nice injection of humor-

especially amidst the sections of the story that are otherwise completely dark, gruesome, and devoid of hope.


Grammar: 8.5
Plot/Creativity: 7.5
Enjoyment: 8.7

Your grammar is pretty good. Not quite as good as Usoki’s; MRH would probably give you a 5 or something, but that’s still

high. “Mystic Elevator” is a good piece all around, but the grammar is better than I expected (of course, the stories of

yours I’m thinking of are all pretty dated).

You lose some points for Plot/Creativity. If the elevator theme hasn’t been done outright before, there are plenty of

variants (I felt a little HOID in there), and they aren’t your garden variety flesh-eating zombies, but the monsters don’t

particularly stand out, either. It is very well-written, though, and you come off better for that in the Plot category than

you otherwise would’ve.

This story really shines in terms of its ambience. I got a deliciously creepy vibe as I read through it, and your Enjoyment

rating earns a few points just for that. You put a lot of effort into the details; I like the repeated references to the ten

extra minutes, the sarcastic flavor, and the raw treatment of office life. You earn an additional two tenths of a point for

the AMM nostalgia reference, and your description of the Scottish stout (that, and it’s a good excuse to mess with Ryan’s

head). The phrase “metal spoon” is an odd personal favorite of mine, so I’m glad that got in there, intentionally or

otherwise. I love how oblivious you are to the whole thing throughout (office building daze, I guesss). You seem to have a

pessimistic view of society (epitomized in the character of Joe and the firing of the security guard), like myself, and I

sympathize.

You might like Thomas Dish’s story “Descending,” as it has similar overtones in some ways (probably online somewhere).

“You walk over to the brown haired, average looking and average sized Jim and try to figure out what the hell his deal is.

You go for the direct approach.

“What’s your deal?” You ask.”


Grammar: 7.5
Plot/Creativity: 9.5
Enjoyment: 9

This was my favorite story entered. I liked how there are three different sub-stories that all seem way different. Especially

the twilight zone stuff in the white-collar setting was cool. And I liked the "joke about fellatio" part. All the humor was

good.

I noticed a lot of grammatical errors, but without those, this story really was almost perfect. Hopefully it will take the

win.

[End Master]

Not sure why everyone else thinks you're JJJ, but in my case it's mainly because I've seen JJJ post long ass critiques of stories over at CYS. So much so, that he'll actually split up the comments into two posts to get every little detail about what he felt was wrong and right with the story. You tend to be pretty detailed as well, but it still felt more like a JJJ comment.

Like I said though it was ONLY the statue comment that threw me, since I've never really seen JJJ throw around crude analogies in his serious detailed comments whereas the old IS Charm has certainly rubbed off on you and while you don't do it as much say me, DEP or Chubby, you do throw around the amusing obscene scenarios at times.

[Usoki]

Okay, people- all of the comments are in order. Just like Apoth, Ryan has posted all of the comments in a set order. Once we figure out that order, you simply need to skip yourself, and that's that.

Every. Single. One of you. Keeps thinking that I'm JJJ. I'm not sure how I should feel about that. XD

Ryan, Crunchy and I are all near the bottom- I still think Locke is last. DEP and End are more at the top, though we won't have a full grasp until either Shell, Mizal, or JJJ weigh in.

[Hi! My name is: Katie]

My (probably incorrect) guesses.

1. Usoki?
2. Locke?
3. End.
4. DEP
I was toying with this idea of giving the collective consciousness of the crowd power as opposed to having the character make all the decisions.
5. Dreamshell- thanks
6. JJJ
By the time I started working on the Prince's line, I was running really short on time. I didn't finish putting in rooms to meet the 20 room rule until the last hour.
7. Ryan?
I'm not sure when I'll have a chance to go back and add on to the story, that's not really my strong point. Ore/Fee both have this unusual power that eventually defines the way they interact with the people around them. In Ore's case events have not unfolded to give him authority, but with his power he can command it. For instance, with his closet full of souls, he can overthrow an unjust ruler or become a hero defending the city from invasion. As Fee he could become king, or he could be sent into exile by his cousin. As Ore the jeweler's miraculous child he could lead the people in a revolt against the cruel guards that plague their daily lives. At least one story line was going to develop into a fantasy dystopia. I had a lot of different endings sorted out, but alas time was more foe than friend this year.
8. Crunchy?
9. Mizal?

[Crunchyfrog]

Okay!

So I got Endmaster right. If Dreamshell is 5, then Locke can't be. And I don't think Locke is 1. Going on what I can glean from other posts, I'm now thinking that Locke might be 4.

I'm also beginning to think that 1 is not a newbie. I'm convinced it's not Usoki or 3J, and Ryan has been identified by the MRH comment. So I'm going to guess that DEP is 1.

*shuffles names* Here's my second guess...

1. DEP
2. Usoki
3. Endmaster (Confirmed)
4. Locke
5. Dreamshell (Confirmed)
6. JJJ
7. Ryan
8. Mizal

[Sven Smokevich]

Bit of a turnaround from when I first came ‘back’ to this site. A day passes and there are quite a few posts to catch up on.

Anyway, here’s so people know which reviews were mine. For the most part, I was very easy to please, so look for the higher ratings:

Katie: Mine’s the fifth rating you posted.

EndMaster: #4.

Usoki: I was the fifth rating you posted (I mentioned the tarot cards).

Crunchyfrog: Also 5 (I’m seeing a theme here…).

There’s two left and since Ryan knows which rating is mine as he’s the one who I gave them to, if DEP wants to know, I’ll happily answer.

[Locke]

Of course I'm probably completely wrong about both of them.

About mine, anyway. I'll tell you which I wrote sometime tomorrow; someone else might post in the meantime, and I'd hate to deprive myself of the entertainment value.

I just spent awhile crawling nostalgically through some old threads. There are quite a few gems:

Of course all poetry should rhyme or else it's just the gibbering of a monkey trying to desperately grasp the concept of the English language! Why the very thought of such idiocy makes my great belly wobble with laughter! Suckacop!

Why I myself have written iambic pentameter verses that equal the great William Shakespeare! I've impressed many southeast Asian ladyboys on Craig's List with my 180 IQ and mastery of language skills! Fwpaya!

The subject is incidental; it's just an example of various things that have been making me laugh this past hour. It's nice to see I'm not the only one in the world keeping these hours, heh.

[End Master]

Crunchyfrog got my comment right.

Well if Usoki is comment 6 then JJJ might be 2 instead or even 5, but I know Locke said he agonized over scoring the stories and making comments so I figured he wrote something long and 5 would qualify.

Of course I'm probably completely wrong about both of them.

[Locke]

Given the asterisk, I think you're right about DEP.


MRH is MichaelRayHolt, a former member (I'm pretty sure he's left the forum for good, anyway). There was a lot of drama, some of which was even before my time (I started posting just before this version of the forum came into being, in mid-2007).

Drama aside, he's known mostly for his obsession with perfect grammar, surpassing even Usoki (a Caesar, perhaps, to MRH's Hitler: a grammar despot, no doubt, but lacking the swastika, Jew-bashing, and other trappings of overt Nazism).

His stories are probably still up on the main site.

EDIT: Wow, I forgot how it ended.

[Crunchyfrog]

We all find it entertaining, particularly if you try to figure out who wrote what, but it's understandable if you want to keep the commentary to yourself, and definitely optional.

Okay then!

1
9/8/7

So much potential but cut too short, I was really getting into it when it ended abruptly. Per capita, this was the contest's best story but it lacked any sort of conclusion.

I thought this was Endmaster as there had been talk about his very brief critiques. But then he said he graded everyone 10 with the grammar, so uhm, I don't know.


2

1. Grammar - 8

2. Plot/Creativity - 8

3. Enjoyment - 8

I remember reading part of this on the other site awhile back and enjoying it then, so I was glad to see it expanded some and hope you continue adding to it in the future. One of my favorites in the comp even though I felt the 'magical' stuff didn't mesh as well with the mind-bendy time travel stuff at the heart of it, or at least wasn't expanded upon enough. Lizzie was an amazingly compelling character in the brief times we got to see her, so I'm hoping there's SOME way to save her through the aformentioned mind-bendy
time travel stuff. I'm looking forward to seeing Alf come into his own a bit once he gets over being bewildered by everything, but, like most of the stories this time around, I felt like it all got cut off by the deadline just as it was about to really get rolling.

Could be Usoki, could be Mizal or Ryan, because if I recollect correctly, all have mentioned they had a peek at its other incarnation. But I'm guessing most likely Usoki.

3

Spelling/Grammar: 10
Plot/Creativity: 9
Enjoyment: 8

This story was creative and it succeeds with the urban fantasy feel. Also glad to see that newest writer here has produced something of quality.

Ah. This could be Endmaster. Brief two-sentence critique, 10 for grammar. Check. Check. Am I right?

4

Grammar – 6
* Plot/Creativity – 7
Enjoyment – 7

Strange. Definitely strange. I like the narrative, but there were quite a few editing/grammar/spelling errors that drew me out of the story. The door handle insect robot type thing was strange as well. I was intrigued. First path I took I was given the egg without ever finding out what it meant, waking up in a hospital. It was interesting to read the descriptions of the future from the eyes of the past. Well done there. The story reads rather cryptic for me. I can’t seem to really make heads or tails of what’s really going on in the story and that put me off a bit. I think this story is one that could develop wonderfully as it continues, but it isn’t quite there yet.

Uhm, I really have no idea. I'll just have to wait and see if something pops into my PM box...

5

Grammar: 10
Plot/Creativity: 8
Enjoyment: 8

This story seemed to have the second-most branches to it, which is good. However, it is a bit hard to understand at parts, probably due to the gimmick of portraying modern-ish things from Alf’s perspective. Nevertheless, I’d love to read more about this and find out more about Lizzie’s group as well as Tharrithon.

Mizal. Assuming Number 2 is not Mizal.

6

Grammar: 9
Plot/Creativity: 9
Enjoyment: 8

Given that anything in between the Renaissance and modern times usually gets cut out entirely, it was nice to see the effort you put into creating a believable, peasant-y starter setting. There were definitely a lot of small details which really sold the time period. There were a lot of choices- so many my initial reaction was that you couldn’t possibly keep track of them all. But to my surprise, you handled it quite well; You keep track of all of the small variables, and edit small bits of narration so that the story leads to one of three places- with the wizard, and the future with or without Ned.

Time travel gets used quite a bit, so I’m glad this doesn’t come off as ‘yet another time travel story’. That being said, the machine is a really complicated device, and though I understand that Alf is not supposed to understand how it works… neither does the reader. I can’t really visualize it well, other than it has semi-opaque walls, and a detachable knob that makes a door appear. Then you start describing tendrils and levels, and needing to crank it or needing to flip the cylinder to access the right buttons… I get lost. There’s so much specific detail that I’m completely unable to make a big picture.

The conflict confuses me a bit. Several of the characters announce a war between humans and magical fey creatures… but there are no examples of this strife. It seems less of a war and more of a Mexican standoff. Or maybe just complete indifference toward each other. Either way, it’s hard to see what direction this story will take once Alfie takes a cause.

Hmmm. 3J, I'm going for 3J....

7

Grammar: 9
Plot/Creativity: 8
Enjoyment: 7


Like Katie, your forum presence led me to expect less from you. You clearly put some effort into this, and I’m interested to see how it develops. Your grammar is excellent (MRH score: 4.5), and the plot so far is well fleshed out. I didn’t think I’d enjoy reading about an 18th century barrow boy, but you surprised me. Very strong first entry.

With all this talk of MRH, I'm going to have to go with Ryan. What is MRH, anyway?


8

Grammar: 10
Plot/Creativity: 7.5
Enjoyment: 7

The grammar was near-perfect and writing was really good. I guess my main qualm was that the plot just didn't really pull me in. Still, this was a very worthy and creative entry, so I had to rate it pretty high. Hopefully it does good.

I was getting more interested in the story toward the end, when it switched from 18th to 21st century.

(Also, there is a loop error that leads to the main character meeting the guy from the bar twice.)

Gah. Who knows!


So here's my first guess - which has a lot of randomness attached to it due to my newbness:

1. Dreamshell
2. Usoki
3. Endmaster
4. DEP
5. Locke
6. JJJ
7. Ryan
8. Mizal



(Edits to add)

Grammar - 10 The grammar I couldn't fault. This was well laid out, spelling and punctuation was consistent.
Enjoyment - 8.5 - A light-hearted take on a subject that could have been as equally well-written as a dark fantasy thriller. The introduction to Blaine in the first room was well narrated and the encounter with the two girls during the fight and afterwards was amusing.
The path that had been finished was well executed (pardon the pun) and the colour imagery I thought was particularly well done. Despite this, I found the info-dump from the girls a little difficult to follow – and although I suspect that it was intended to be confusing, it lessened the enjoyment factor for me.
Plot/Creativity 8. - Plotwise, so far the choices are fairly restricted, but if the already written rooms are anything to go by, promises to be an amusing and enjoyable adventure.

I'm going to guess Crunchy. It could be a dark thriller- but certainly not in my hands. By this point, I've all but given up on trying to write anything truly serious. It simply does not flow as fast, as easy, or as skilled from my pen. Keyboard. Whatever. I am curious what was difficult about the info dump- it was meant to be brief, not confusing. Though, perhaps it would get answered better later in the work, by example.

Right!

[Locke]

should I be posting the feedback here, or is it optional?

We all find it entertaining, particularly if you try to figure out who wrote what, but it's understandable if you want to keep the commentary to yourself, and definitely optional. Nobody's going to show up at your house and put a gun to your head, in any case, except End, and that's less about failing to live up to some standard, and more that stalking and killing people are just his things. Like Chubby with drugs and obscenity, or Apoth with numbers, or Ryan and his assholery (I guess Usoki will have to find some other quality to justify his existence now).

Megaman, Drums, and MRH, as the forum pariahs, have trolling and general dislikability, child sex robots, and grammar as their characteristics, respectively.

[End Master]

Should've went with my instinct that the statue comment was the identifier. Got Crunchy's wrong too I see. Well, I'm still confident I got Ryan's comment right.

Yeah, you guessed mine. I think I might've been harsher on it because I liked your last two contest stories a lot better. Though I was sort of grading slightly harder than I normally do in general, which still isn't that bad since I gave everyone 10s for grammar. Going by my own low scores in that category, it's no wonder I don't catch any mistakes anyone else might make.

Up until the announcement I thought DEP might win since Ryan sort of implied that he was in the running, though I still like Ryan's story the best. His story and Crunchy's to me felt the most like "urban fantasy". Katie's felt like urban fantasy, but it suffered from being linear as well. DEP had a cool story, but it felt more like horror.

Basically when I knock off points for "linear" I usually mean the number of "1 path" rooms in a story. It isn't really a problem if you've got a large story, but it gets more noticeable the less rooms you have. Even more so if you have several of them in a row.

I also try to take into consideration the amount of writing you have in the room. If you've got something like the equivalent of 4 pages on there, well even I try to break it up at that point and will split the writing into another room. Though again I really try not to have several "1 room paths" in a row. Probably just my own personal restrictions I go by.

I don't knock off points if you have the "same outcome with slightly different changes" for choices. I don't even consider stories with the "2 choices, one leads to death" to be linear since you're still getting a choice there and most of the original CYOA books did that. (Plus I do both of those things, so I'm hardly in a position to judge)