IWT 7: Epilogue (Ratings!)

[Crunchyfrog]

The feedback is awesome. Thank you!

Not only does it confirm where I suspected where the weaknesses were, but it has also pointed out things I hadn't noticed before, and totally agree with.


One person rated my grammar a 6 - I'm not sure whether this might be due to the difference in US/UK spelling or my clumsy attempts to emulate 18th century dialogue. (or both!) However I'd be very grateful if I could know some examples by PM where it didn't work - it'd be a great help. No worries if you'd prefer not to, though.

I do intend to continue developing this story, and will be taking all the feedback into consideration as I write. I'll also be going back and editing the existing rooms.

Thanks again!

(Oh, and should I be posting the feedback here, or is it optional?)




Edits to add:

EDIT: Okay final guess (Really this time)

1.Dreamshell
2.Usoki
3.DEP
4.Crunchy
5.Locke
6.JJJ
7.Ryan
8.Mizal

Wrong!

[Usoki]

Sorry, End- I was six. I actually did not bother to comment upon grammar at all this time around. I didn't feel like being that anal-retentive jerk who beats multiple dead horses scattered around bushes. I read everything through, and assigned a grammar score based on how jarring the errors were. I'm surprised you connected the statue comment with me- it's a bit more crude than most of my other ridiculous examples.

8/7/6
There were some novel ideas but I never felt immersion because it couldn't decide if it was a comedy or a serious adventure.

Short and to the point. I'm guessing Dreamshell. And for the record- it is comedic, and it is an adventure, but it certainly isn't serious. Who's to say it can't be a comedic adventure?

1. Grammar - 7
2. Plot/Creativity - 7
3. Enjoyment - 7
This was a fun, silly story, but sadly it was much too short, and like some of the other entries seemed to cut off just as it was ready to really get rolling. The whole idea of demoninjas and samurangels had me chuckling and I loved the explanation of what was possible with the other planes. After the sticky-note fight I was looking forward to seeing just how ridiculous the summoned weapons would get but, again, the whole thing had to be cut off too soon for of the deadline.

Mmmm... tough, but I guess I'll go with Mizal. Incidentally... a 7 for Grammar!? Not to be all MRH about this, but... really? What was your idea of a ten? Were you trying to apply grammar rules to my dialogue, or what?

Spelling/Grammar: 10
Plot/Creativity: 7
Enjoyment: 7
For whatever reason this story didn't really grab me, and it was pretty linear so it loses a few points there. I didn't get an urban fantasy feel from it, but I suppose the plot is okay and despite the shortness of it, some effort in the overall writing was put into it.

I... cripes, this is hard, a lot of you said the same thing. But it's short, so I'll guess EndMaster and move on. I had a lot of problems figuring out how to approach the "urban" part of urban fantasy. In the end, I settled for non-human characters with love interests, since that's what the Wiki emphasized.

Grammar – 9
* Plot/Creativity – 8
Enjoyment – 8
Still love Usucky’s style; laid back, sardonic, and yet somehow still innocently
optimistic. Great comment on the vampire powers changing with each new trashy novel; that had me laughing.
Creative use of the link options, especially in ‘continue’ type scenarios. I liked that he used it when the scene seemed to shift.
The Samurangle and Vampirate were some eye-rollers. Seriously Usucky? Seriously. Haha. Itwas humorous though. I liked the way Sonja and Cassidy played off of each other, good character rapport.
Copy and paste issue I assume, both Viking and Cowboy take you to a Viking room.
All in all it seems like a great start to an entertaining quirky story. Quite enjoyable but there were a few spots where things seemed rushed or not-quite fully realized. This is definitely one that I’d be interested in reading more of, especially a more polished version.

Usucky? This must be DEP. I'm glad you enjoy the placement of the room breaks- I tended to put a fair amount of time into choosing where to place them. Overly long rooms are almost as offensive as two sentence rooms. I'm curious what you considered rushed or unrealized- otherwise, I don't see myself going back over it.

Incidentally, that just might be the greatest description of my writing style I've ever seen. I appreciate it greatly.

Grammar: 10
Plot/Creativity: 8
Enjoyment: 8
Well, choosing between the two girls leads to identical branches (outside of a few differences in the tarot reading), but I like this all the same. It’s a silly idea, but fun, and I’d like to see more of it. The Viking branch would probably be my favorite.

Ehh...JJJ? Those few differences in the tarot readings took a good two-three hours to write. I took enough effort to look up readings so that the five-card format is real, and to browse through a bunch of card meanings to find a set that will provide active foreshadowing to the parts that don't exist yet.

Grammar - 10 The grammar I couldn't fault. This was well laid out, spelling and punctuation was consistent.
Enjoyment - 8.5 - A light-hearted take on a subject that could have been as equally well-written as a dark fantasy thriller. The introduction to Blaine in the first room was well narrated and the encounter with the two girls during the fight and afterwards was amusing.
The path that had been finished was well executed (pardon the pun) and the colour imagery I thought was particularly well done. Despite this, I found the info-dump from the girls a little difficult to follow – and although I suspect that it was intended to be confusing, it lessened the enjoyment factor for me.
Plot/Creativity 8. - Plotwise, so far the choices are fairly restricted, but if the already written rooms are anything to go by, promises to be an amusing and enjoyable adventure.

I'm going to guess Crunchy. It could be a dark thriller- but certainly not in my hands. By this point, I've all but given up on trying to write anything truly serious. It simply does not flow as fast, as easy, or as skilled from my pen. Keyboard. Whatever. I am curious what was difficult about the info dump- it was meant to be brief, not confusing. Though, perhaps it would get answered better later in the work, by example.

Grammar: 9.5
Plot/Creativity: 7.5
Enjoyment: 7.5
Your grammar, as always, is impeccable; MRH would be proud. If anything could make him come back to the forum a third time, it is this piece (so if we ever see him around, that’s on you). I found several slippages, justifying a half-point drop from your otherwise perfect 10, but I had to work for it.
“Daybreak” is possibly the most “creative” entry. Unless you’re ripping off something really obscure, I’ve never seen anything like it. However, you have a lot of repeat text hanging around. I’m sure the story eventually diverges, but based on what you’ve got now, no matter which girl you choose, you end up with essentially the same thing; I have to dock the piece a few points for limited “plot” (innovative as what you have is).
Finally, your score for Enjoyment is basically high. I like the chemistry between Blaine and the girls. Your fight scenes so far are spot-on, and the thought of a bunch of people running around throwing post-its and so for at one another is amusing. I definitely want to see how this plays out. The concept (demoninjas, samurangels, etc) is slightly silly and stretches suspension of disbelief for me, but you pull it off with style.

Decimal points and an MRH reference? Ryan. I'm glad that the fight scene worked for everyone- one of the things that I've been slowly learning over the years is that fights are pretty much impossible to write. Nobody wants to read a blow-by-blow; it's boring. I was apprehensive about this scene- but it's short, it's silly, and it doesn't focus on any one camera angle.

Yes, the story will eventually branch out into multiple endings; one where you complete the job with your chosen skill set, and one where you complete the job AND get the girl that likes the skill set you've chosen. In my mind, it's set up like a dating sim- too many wrong choices, and you won't get enough relation points to win the girl at the end of the story. You can't make them both happy, so pick a girl, and see it through if you want the best endings.

Grammar: 10
Plot/Creativity: 7
Enjoyment: 6
Didn't notice any grammatical errors (as usual) and the story was pretty creative. You certainly have a knack for balancing plot, dialogue, and description. If it were longer, it probably would have been a serious contender. I had to take a couple points off for shortness/linearity, though.

I couldn't decide between JJJ, Locke, and Mizal. But, this comment is last, so I'm going to guess it was submitted last by Locke, since I don't give Ryan credit for the foresight to shuffle these around. It does sound like a Locke thing to say. I'm glad you think there is a balance- I am in constant fear that I'm writing too much dialogue and not enough description.

Linearity is definitely one of my main issues. I know it, and I'm aware of it, but I never remember how serious it is until I see something like DEP's Mystic Elevator, which is really three stories that just happen to start the same way. I threw in the yes/no question, an obvious trap, simply because I was starting to realize just how linear it was getting. The scene at the bowling alley will help- there will be ways to lose no matter what the skill set you have. Those ways to lose will even take more than one room to die- something I don't always do.

And, I must admit there is something to be said for a certain linear consistancy to reality- some things are true no matter what choice you make. I would hate myself if, say, Cassidy's identity as a vampirate depended on your tarot choice. The Father in Rentyre is always a jerk, no matter what choices you make throughout the evening. The protagonist has nothing to do with those decisions. And if that creates a more linear story, then, well, it's a sacrifice I'm more than willing to make.

[End Master]

Fuck it, I'll (poorly) guess anyway

1. No idea. Dreamshell? Might be Crunchy or Mizal.

2. It could be Mizal since she said she was a BIG grammar Nazi and didn't have large comments. I'm getting a "female vibe" from it, so I guess it could be Usoki. Lol. EDIT: On a third look at this comment, I'm starting to think there's a good chance that this one is Usoki. (I misread part of the comment and thought the person said this was their favorite story of mine, when they actually said it wasn't their favorite.)

3. I'm getting a DEP vibe from this one. Though could be Usoki with the grammar comments. (Just a quick mention, that "I mean" bit you mentioned was intentional. Stuttering, bumbling and dialog pausing of the character and all that, but I should've put an ellipsis or something there)

4. No idea. Dreamshell? Might be Crunchy or Mizal.

5. Getting a Locke vibe from this one. It's thoughtful without trying to be offensive. Lol.

6. This one has gotta be JJJ or Usoki. I'd almost lean completely towards JJJ, due to the mention of the enjoyment of the "evil path" (which he said made it feel more like my other stuff) but fucking a statue with a sexhole comment sounds more like something Usoki would say.

7. Only Ryan would be an ASSHOLE enough to mention MRH in his comments to me. Also this one sounds like him anyway. In fact this is like the only one I'm betting I'm right on.

8. No idea. Dreamshell? If not then Crunchy or Mizal. (You three are sort of getting lumped together because you're new.)

EDIT: Okay final guess (Really this time)

1.Dreamshell
2.Usoki
3.DEP
4.Crunchy
5.Locke
6.JJJ
7.Ryan
8.Mizal

[End Master]

I won’t even bother guessing who wrote what this time, since I ALWAYS get it wrong.

1
7/9/9
Not on the same level as his other stories but still really awesome. Had a 'teen drama' feel to it at times but the characterization and business aspects of the story more than made up for it. Contest winner for sure.

2
1. Grammar - 5
2. Plot/Creativity - 9
3. Enjoyment - 9
Congrats on having the largest, most complete story in the comp. As much as I enjoyed the others, it got really frustrating running into a bunch of dead ends just as things started to get interesting, so it was great having several plotlines here that all actually went somewhere. That said, there were a few places (especially in the beginning) where the writing felt a little rushed and sloppy, which while not really that big a deal, seeing how this was put up so far in advance of the deadline it seems like there would have been time to polish it a little more. But obviously that wasn't enough to hurt my enjoyment of the story as a whole, which was the usual mix of funny and twisted and sad I've come to expect from your writing. I wouldn't go so far as to say Innkeeper was my absolute FAVORITE out of everything you've done, but you've never written a story I wasn't impressed by in one way or another and this is no exception.

3
Grammar – 6
* Plot/Creativity – 10
Enjoyment – 8
Worst editing job of all your stories, End. Tons of instances where words are typed twice or sentences are misworded (room 87762 for instance where you wrote: I mean I mean you were right, I dumped all this stuff on to you suddenly –an- The point is, I want you to know is I’m here for YOU now). These were throughout the story and off-putting in many cases.

Despite this I was still enraptured in the story, rooting for characters, and engaged in the plot. I thoroughly enjoyed almost all of the story. A few instances where I felt streamlined (like picking which barmaid to ‘work the streets’, no matter what it was Rita who ended up doing it). Ultimately though, well done story, up there with some of the better ones from you. Honestly, great plot, great character development as well.

4
Grammar: 8
Plot/Creativity: 8
Enjoyment: 10
I really like this one. All the detail put in with the supplementary info is great, and the characters mostly all feel alive and distinct. Sometimes things stick out as too crude or contemporary for the setting, but otherwise it’s rich and captivating. I also like how there’s plenty of endings to get, so the story gets to go on some pretty divergent tangents, such as working with criminals, hiding monsters with adventurers, or infiltrating a rival business.

5
Grammar – 9 There were a number of spelling and punctuation errors in this piece, and places where the paragraphs could have been broken up into smaller segments to make it easier to read. However relatively speaking, taking into account the sheer size of this work, the occurrence of grammatical and formatting errors was low.

Enjoyment – 9 Each path seemed to have a unique ending to it, despite some of the text being recycled. There seemed to be a never-ending number of branches to this story.

Style-wise, the fantasy side to this story was subtle, and narrated in a way that it sounded completely natural. This was an ordinary guy, trying to make a success of his life, and all the extraordinary stuff was purely incidental.

The writing was consistently of a high standard. My one niggle, however, was that in places it sounded a little too matter-of-fact for the subject matter it was dealing with.

Plot/Creativity – 10 There is no doubt you are a skilled CYOA story-writer. The developed path had several distinct sub-plots and endings to it, and although each was quite different from the others, even featuring different characters and motives, (great how Tom and David popped up in one of the sections) the theme of keeping the Inn going and getting qualified as a doctor while avoiding being sucked into a world of crime and zombies ran strong through all of them. Getting the debts paid, funding the college work, making the Inn a success and getting the (right) girl at the end is one tricky path to pick.

6
Grammar: 8
Plot/Creativity: 8
Enjoyment: 8
The narrative structure from Necromancer is very apparent- but I appreciate this, as I’ve always liked that form. It’s nice to see how some of the small decisions can subtly affect the events in the character’s life. That being said… this story felt slightly lacking. It was a huge, monstrous piece… yet there really wasn’t any one memorable story arc. Well, okay, I lie- the zombie doctor bit was classic Endmaster. But other than that. The entire story just kinda… lays there. There is absolutely nothing impressive or epic about this piece. It’s one evil twin plothook away from being a soap opera. Maybe it’s that the choices are small and minor. Maybe it’s that the focus of the work is limited, and so it’s hard to get excited. Or maybe some of the key plot elements are just helplessly mundane. Whatever it is… this story left me wanting. I read it, and I enjoyed it, but once I walked away I forgot quite a fair bit of it.

It doesn’t help that Innkeeper is surprisingly lacking in its quota of interesting characters. The guy in denial about his family is hilarious. Both of the med school professors were interesting. Wendy’s children were great. Every single other character felt more like a plot tool than a real person. Frank was lackluster, Rita never quite reached the attitude that she was described as having, the succubae did absolutely nothing, despite their promising status as poorly-controlled evil demons, and Eliza was a complete nothing.

It was hard for me to choose which non-crime ending I liked best, because neither Eliza nor Cindy had any more personality than a photograph. He might as well have married a statue with a sex-hole for all I really cared.

7
Grammar: 8
Plot/Creativity: 8
Enjoyment: 9
Your grammar is basically good, though Usoki beats you hands down, and DEP just barely edges you out (8.5). Your MRH score is a 2 (the mistakes you do make are like nails on a chalkboard to him, so that’s a base score of four, and two points off because he’s spiteful and doesn’t like you).

The plot is excellent, as always, though not especially original for you (I don’t remember if you said anything explicitly, but it could easily take place in the same universe as Legend). I did feel a little in certain places (I felt for the barmaid you could take as a girlfriend), but of your serious pieces, this has some of the least emotion (The shelter/love interest of Ground Zero, several bits of Paradise Violated and Primal, and of course the two Necromancer stories come to mind).

Still, the storytelling is epic and varied; you always keep me reading. I felt it drifted off focus once you left the Inn toward the end of some paths, but that didn’t really hurt Enjoyment much. I’m a hypocrite for saying this, but I wish you’d write more. Entertaining stuff.

8
Grammar: 7.5
Plot/Creativity: 8.5
Enjoyment: 8

This was my second favorite out of everything entered. It was a typical EndMaster story with lots of rooms to explore and great character development. I think its weak areas were grammar and I think the description was lacking a bit, but still managed to pull me in.

The premise wasn't my favorite, but it still ended up being interesting.

[Hi! My name is: Katie]

Critiques for Uncertain Fortunes

7/7/6

Lots of potential for enjoyment but it ended abruptly (was that the theme for this contest? haha) and I never felt the satisfaction of a good ending.


1. Grammar - 7

2. Plot/Creativity - 7

3. Enjoyment - 7

The third person point of view was an interesting change of pace, and I liked the almost fairy-tale feel to Ore/Fee's story, I just wish you'd had time to expand on it more. Some of the chapters were very, very short, but for the most part I liked what I did read. The
evil path that was the most fleshed out was a really interesting take on a necromancer character and got seriously creepy toward the end, and I'm assuming the royal path will explain more about his mother and just where his powers came from. I hope you keep adding to this after the judging is over.


Spelling/Grammar: 10
Plot/Creativity: 8
Enjoyment: 9

Well can't really go wrong with starting off with a baby still attached to his dead mother's corpse. I liked it quite a lot due to some of the gruesome bits, though it was a somewhat linear and short.


Grammar – 9
* Plot/Creativity – 9
Enjoyment – 10

Okay, okay lesson learned. Don’t fuck with graveyard frequenting freaks. Damn. Ore is one fucked up little guy. This was a well told story, finely crafted. Most of the pages were relatively short but they were well written and told a lot in those few words. Shit, I didn’t even notice until four or five rooms in that the story was written in 3rd person! It’s pretty rare that a 3rd person story works. What’s more, I’ve always despised ‘plot options’ (choices that control the story more than the character) but fuck, you made that work too. You took the two most difficult/annoying/despicable aspects of interactive fiction and somehow made them work. Fuck you Katie, I’m jealous now. Dammit. Good story. Really. I knew you could write, but damn…


Grammar: 9
Plot/Creativity: 7
Enjoyment: 8

I wasn’t so sure about this as it was starting out, but took quickly to it. The downside is that there’s really only one story and no real choices to make in it, but it’s a good one, anyway. I’d enjoy seeing more of the-boy-as-Ore’s life in the city, as well as the-boy-as-Fee’s life as a prince. The bit about living a privileged life ending in poisoning was amusing, though of course I’d love for that branch to be expanded. Write more, please.


Grammar 10 – There was nothing that tripped me up here.

Enjoyment 8.5 Though written in the style of a fairytale story, the sinister overtones came over well. I like the ironic edge to the choices near the beginning, where ‘for blood’ leads to a life in which the boy has more control over his fortunes, and ‘for justice’ leads to a less fortunate life. It’s a strong junction between two completely different stories, even the naming of the boy.

Plot 8.5 I found the storyline of Ore engaging, but felt that it lost its lustre from the time he moved to the city. Although the branches that lead him to life as a prince in the castle had not yet been cultivated, they promise to be as engaging as the Ore story.


Grammar: 9
Plot/Creativity: 6
Enjoyment: 8

I can see why you were hesitant to release this; but for what it is, I rather like it. The mysterious cursed powerful orphan is a dead horse, sure, yet there’s something enjoyable about the way you approached it. I enjoyed the way all of the decisions boiled down to choosing between two abstract concepts. It allows the reader to control the story, but at the same time it’s vague enough that the reader cannot directly micromanage anyone’s actions.

I really enjoyed seeing Ore develop into the twisted figure- his powers are odd, yet intriguing. I’m not sure what he plans to do with a closet full of souls and a town full of golem-esque people, but… Ehh. I’m sure some of the other routes, if/when completed, will be just as amusing. Especially the prince route, since I’m assuming the child will have the same powers, even though his name and upbringing will be different.


Grammar: 9
Plot/Creativity: 7
Enjoyment: 7

From your forum posts, I was expecting rather less. Where have you been all this time, and why haven’t I seen more of your writing? I think you hurried a little, but this is still lush and full of painstaking detail. If you enjoy writing, I hope you keep doing it.

Grammar isn’t perfect, but still quality; Usoki edges you out, but only by half a point. I like the plot so far, and particularly your choices (the wording really sparks the imagination, ‘NEXT PAGE” aside, and makes me want to keep reading). I enjoyed it. If you’d spent more time on it, I think you might’ve won this one.



Grammar: 8
Plot/Creativity: 6
Enjoyment: 6

The grammar was pretty solid and I liked the initial premise. Overall, the story just didn't really pull me in, though. I just didn't feel anything for the characters. Still the writing was pretty solid and some of the things in the plot were interesting.

If the story were longer, I probably would have gave it 7s in the plot and enjoymeny categories.

[Ryan_DuBois]

yeah for real, post the critiques. Congrats, Endmaster by the way. I thought Katie was gonna win this one though.

What, and miss out on all the great whining that was sure to follow?

(Admittedly I didn't expect that much of it, but still found it quite amusing!)

In any case, your friendly neighborhood ASSHOLE has just finished and critiques have been sent out to everyone (some people have them on their main site accounts because of the word limit). Random lines between sentences and all (because then they are more assholish).



As for me, it looks like I've managed to deeply upset some of the long-standing members (wasn't even trying this time!) so I'll take that as my cue to go on another hiatus. If anyone felt I was being too mean to them or something, it was all in good fun. Good luck to everyone in the 8th IWT!

(Please return what's left of my soul.)

[Sven Smokevich]

Yeah, I'm dreamshell. And I'm a guy.

Congrats to everybody.

[Crunchyfrog]

Congratulations End!

And I'm relieved I didn't disgrace myself either on the first one. Looking forward to seeing what the critiques are like.

[JJJ-thebanisher]

Congrats End!

[Locke]

Well, that makes sense then, I guess. I was really hoping I'd be able to gloat about this one, too, to compensate for some of the double mega extra SHAME I'm suffering tonight. That is a lot of shame, you know? If we assume that the "double" and "mega" are 2x multipliers, and the caps make each term twice what it would normally be, that's 34 standard loads of shame you've weighted me down with this tournament, enough for my extended family. I may just kill myself, since it is the only honorable way out (if each SHAME takes a year to revert to neutral, I'll be forty (plus or minus a few years) before it runs out, assuming I keep my nose clean in the meantime). Now I know how convicted felons feel.

Dreamshell is the current Sven, but since his (her?) account may never be approved, we might as well just resign ourselves to having Sven here forever. Sometimes the blackface just doesn't come off.

[End Master]

Going through the posts in the IWT Thread, I'm seeing the following people voted:

Crunchy
DEP
End
JJJ
Locke
Mizal
Ryan
Sven (who is the current Sven anyway?)
Usoki

So nine people, but only Katie got 9 votes.

Katie thinks that since she didn't vote that's probably why she got nine and everyone else got eight since if she had voted we would've all had the same amount of votes too, because we don't vote for our own stories.

EDIT: Katie proposes that you just ditch her lowest ratings to fix it. Lol.

I propose that if it turns out that Ryan fucked up the scoring we can always add RETARD FAILS AT MATH on top of his ASSHOLE title.

[donteatpoop]

Yeah, and run them again in a way that results in me winning? lol. (also, what is the difference between overall and final? I'm a bit confused on what all of those numbers up there mean.)

In the end, End will still win I'm sure. A recount would be cool so we can see the finer details.

Congrats to EndMaster with the gold, Donteatpoop (that marvelous bastard) on the silver, and CrunchyFrog with the bronze.

Really, every story I read was kick ass. Glad to have been a part of this one, great bunch of stories to read through.

[Locke]

I was adding up the scores to post some results by category, but there's something wrong here. I'm not sure if these are typos or actually figured into the calculations, but does anyone notice how Uncertain Fortunes, for instance, has nine ratings in each category instead of the usual eight?

I don't know whether there are other irregularities, since I wasn't looking for them, but do you maybe want to run those numbers by us again?

[donteatpoop]

So what you're saying, Yazzman, is that you don't think you can take the approximate 2 minutes it would take to coy and paste everyone's comments into a post? Definately diserving of the title 'asshole'. Thanks for running shit, thouh.

edit: also, what the fuck? I'm the only one that weighted anything other than overall enjoyment?????

[End Master]

It's the power of negative thinking.

Man, it's a good thing most people weight enjoyment, I would've severely lost if people weighted grammar. (A 5? Yikes!) In fact this list would probably be completely reversed with Usoki winning if that was the case.

Here's some traveling music for Ryan for his big gay bus ride:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=85gO8...eature=related