Hello, everybody

[Jargner]

Hrmm...... Rushed......... *Looks over his story* Could you tell me how it seems rushed? I'd like to improve it. Also, it takes place in 2008.

[ChubbyTeletubby]

I dunno, man. It's just rushed.

Let the other brilliant minds here give their ten cents. Mine don't mean shit.

It's just rushed. That simple. Didn't draw me in. Give us a little more physical description of the city. A little more background on the protagonist.

The dialogue isn't particularly interesting either. I did, however, enjoy this:

"What the fuck do you want?" He spouts.
"I work here, boss."
"You do?"
"Yeah."
"Alright, clean the shit."

Just nitpicking. Being honest. Do your own thing. Fuck what I say.

[Jargner]

Yeah, I guess you're right, I'll describe more about the city, but I prefer to let the protagonist be the reader. Y'know, a few details, but not much more than that. I'll be sure to ignore you after this, though.

[Vesnic]

I agree with the Teletubby. In these harried modern times, I tend to be a stickler for little details like "plot", "character development" and "story".

[Jargner]

Alright, I updated the introduction and the history page about the protagonist, tell me what you think.

[ChubbyTeletubby]

Well...

Slow down there, pilgrim. Again, don't rush it. How about you give us a week? Do your own thing.

In the end all that matters is that YOU had a good time writing this world into existence.

I CAN tell you this, however. You need to make the world seem real, if you want to draw the reader in.

Little moments matter, sprinkled throughout. Little moments.

And again, nothing I say matters. Just unbiased opinion here. Again, welcome aboard.

Stay awhile.

[Jargner]

Hrrm..... Yeah, though it's hard to stay here with the teletubby staring at me. I guess I should only add new rooms every couple days, no need to rush it........

[Usoki]

What we mean by 'rushed' is that ten/fifteen minutes of movie action is happening in a matter of sentences. And at the bottom of each room is a life-changing choice. It seems like every decision in the protagonist's life is super important, and internal. I'm half expecting to choose to eat eggs for breakfast only to end up as a double agent helping the police fight the mobs. If you were to expand it, you would want to put more details to the fight scenes, and maybe even split rooms from those details. Do you hide behind the counter, or try and disarm him? Stuff like that.

But, personally, you seem like a cheery, happy guy trying to write a dark, gloomy story. It's not working well. The mood of the piece is so light hearted I can't take the story seriously. Between the short descriptions and the simple word choice...it feels like a happy piece. Which makes the profanity and the content seem really out of place.

Also, you're spineless. You've bent over backwards to appease every suggestion that's come your way as if they were law. Care to stand up for your decisions?

[End Master]

I'm half expecting to choose to eat eggs for breakfast only to end up as a double agent helping the police fight the mobs.

Lol.

The other branch could be if you choose cereal for breakfast you get recruited by the Yakuza instead.

[Vesnic]

And here we thought you might have had potential. It would seem you're finished already, Jargner. There's nothing for you to do now but throw yourself into a tar pit.

[Jargner]

Alright then, to be kind, fuck you guys. Fucking assholes. Bend over backwards. Shove a dildo up your ass. Motherfucker. Usoki, I've read your suggestion and have decided to implement it, also, I'm not bending over backwards for anyone, I'm taking suggestions, considering them, and implementing them if they make fucking sense. I'm not bending over backwards. Now shut the fuck up.

[Vesnic]

Hmmm, well you do use the apostrophe correctly most of the time, so you're back in my good graces.

[Jargner]

Bah, I'm deleting the story, and making another one. I've read it, and it fucking sucks. It seems too fake, plastic. No emotion, like a fucking robot. Also, End, I've decided to resume the Pyromancer idea, in a different setting. Thank you kindly for making me see that I can't write stories with these themes. I can't make a dark, gritty story without making it seem fake. So thanks for that, really. No, this does not make me spineless. I now know how much the story seems fake. Most dangerous city in the world, bah.

[Usoki]

Alright then, to be kind, fuck you guys.

Much better! Welcome to the site. You listen, you accept feedback, but you're not a spineless lemming. You're fully capable of standing up for yourself when the time comes. And the liberal usage of profanity doesn't hurt either. XD You, I can see sticking around.

[End Master]

Also, End, I've decided to resume the Pyromancer idea, in a different setting.

Actually I thought that’s what you were going to do in the first place. I said in the PM to go ahead with your Pyromancer idea, but just to create your own setting for it since you’ll feel like you accomplished more that way.

Just remember to avoid the pitfalls of the guy I told you about who was "inspired" by Legend.