Ves Ranting

[Vesnic]

I'm still all tuckered out from mindfucking my doctor last week.

Doc: (smiling sleazily) So, Ves, why don't you stay here and not go away?

Me: Hmm yeah, maybe. Hey, why didn't you ever tell me about that mindfulness program you have going?

Doc: Because you were leaving, and, uh...

Me: You just didn't want the others to get jealous of me since I'm such a yoga goddess.

Doc: (blushing visibly) Wow, how can I respond to that one? Um...can you wrestle too?

Me: Yeah, I can wrestle.

Doc: I bet you can't beat me at arm wrestling.

Me: You want a bet, little man? I'll take you right here, right now.

Doc: How much are you gonna bet?

Me: Ten bucks.

Doc: I'll give you a hundred if you win.

Me: You're on! (proceeds to lie on the floor on her stomach. Doctor joins her, facing her in the same position. They put their arms up.)

Doc: Ready?

Me: Ready. Grrrrrrr....grrrrrrrrrrrrr...

Doc: You gotta try harder than that.

Me: (checking to make sure cleavage isn't falling out of shirt) I give up.

Doc: (pushes her hand down to the floor, pinning it there for an extended period of time) Awww, you lost.

Me: (getting back up) It looks like I owe...

Doc: I don't want your ten bucks. How about we go get coffee instead?

Me: Okay, but I got a ride from my old man today.

Doc: Oh...um...you know, you really should leave your house with all the alcoholism going on.

Me: (smiling devilishly) Yeah, I know. Don't forget the prescription!

Doc: How many do you want?

Me: 120.

Doc: Okay. So you're going through your old stuff?

Me: Yeah, there's so much of it. I'm uncovering a lot of memories.

Doc: (smiling sleazily) Embarrassing ones? Look at you blushing!

Me: I'm spent from all your brute strength.

Doc: Letters from old lovers?

Me: Maybe, but I'm not embarrassed of them.

Doc: (gives intense tight hug) Well, if you don't find anyone in Boston, I'll still be here.

Me: You mean you'll take me back?

Doc: Yeah, I'll take you back.

Ahhh, the great game of mindfuck. I could play it aallllll day long. I have other versions of this same game, including the Ex-Neurosurgeon, Dead Ex-Boyfriend, Spanish Professor and Priest editions!

[ChubbyTeletubby]

What the Hell was that? A Disney special?

Give us something JUICY.

Jesus Christ. At least jerk the man off.

[Vesnic]

But this is called mindfucking! Hence, the physical act of jerking-off does not factor into it. I feel bad for the male gender. From all accounts I've gotten, you fellas are incapable of the great art of mentalbation. I used to get through those long hours in the library by taking a "study break" every now and then. I honed my abilities till it got to the point where I could think myself into an orgasm after only 15 minutes of concerted fantasizing. I didn't have to lay so much as the tip of a fingernail anywhere south of my border. 15 was a great age.

[ChubbyTeletubby]

We mentalbate all day long. I mind fuck every woman I see always. As long as she got tits she's fair game. The actual act of spilling my sperm isn't that great. It's like 'UHH! Uh. uhh...' Now get away from me, bitch.

Oh, and here's a towel. Shut up bitch I aint using no God damn condom just be glad I didn't cum all up in your skanky ass you filthy slut. Rub it in or something. This aint nothing like the pornos I watch. RELISH it bitch. RELISH my sperm.

Then comes the crying and 911 dialing.

[Leblanc4prez]

Mentok: Mindfucking. Oh nononono. I will not allow the use of my powers for such a thing. Because I "MENTOK THE MIND TAKER" demand it.

[Vesnic]

I just doubledosed on doubledose Vic. I hope it doesn't fuck up my respiration too bad.

[Leblanc4prez]

Shippo: I like marshmellos..... and whiskey.

[Vesnic]

Home Sweet American Healthcare

-Hmm, now that I've moved, I should probably get a new primary physician.

Ring ring...

-Hello, Porkus and Piggly Medical Associates. This is Kim. How may I help you?

-Hi, Kim. I would like to set up Dr. Nolan as my PCP if I may.

-Unfortunately, Dr. Nolan is not accepting new patients at this time.

-She's not? But my insurance's website said that she is accepting new patients.

-No, not at this time. Sorry.

-But maybe...

Dialtone

-Shit!

And then, after much internet perusing...

-Ok, I'll try this one instead. It's really far away, but I could always take the train I guess.

For English, press one. Para español, oprima el número dos.

-The Spanish ones always sound happier, but I'll go with 1.

Your call is important to us. Please stay on the line and someone will be with you shortly.

...5 minutes later...

Your call is important to us. Please stay on the line and someone will be with you shortly.

...5 minutes later...

Your call is important to us. Please stay on the line and someone will be with you shortly.

...5 minutes later...

Your call is important to us. Please stay on the line and someone will be with you shortly.

-You already said that, dammit!

We're sorry, but no one is available to assist you at this time. Please try back later.

-FAHCK YOOOOOOO!!!! I need my vaccine, dammit! I'll call back my old doctor and see what he suggests.

Thank you for calling Cesspool Medical Group. We are closed today because of inclement weather. Please call back tomorrow. If this is an emergency, hang up and dial 911 at your convenience.

-Aw, fuck it.

pops a pill

[Leblanc4prez]

I Invented voilenc you vile venomous little bitches!
Vain, Vicodin, *imatates chainsaw* Vrnnn, vrnnn, vrnnnnnn!

[apotheosis]

They should really make high level pain killers over the counter.

[Leblanc4prez]

The Cake is a lie!

[apotheosis]

Do you think a human being would be capable of killing themselves with nothing but a fork and some time? (10 hours at most)

[ChubbyTeletubby]

I would have to say yes.

Intriguing question, apoth. I like the way your mind works.

[Vesnic]

All it takes is a couple well done jabs to the eye. You hardly need ten hours for that.

[End Master]

I was thinking a few jabs to the jugular. Probably quicker than the eye.

Are we talking a proper fork or one of those plastic ones? Might take a lot longer with a plastic one.